Am I getting old?

Am I getting old or have I always been this strange?

Since it's my birthday, I want to do something really fun tonight and eat something really good for dinner.

After much contemplation this is what I decided on:

Dinner: tomatoes and cottage cheese, potato chips, and Peanut Butter M&Ms for dessert

Fun: 7-8pm go to the gym and watch the new episode of NCIS while I'm on the treadmill. Then be in bed with a good book by 9.

Yes, I'm totally excited about this. What is wrong with me?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Another reason I love to sing

When approached with the right attitude beautiful songs never get old. Each time we sing a song, we bring to it all that we have experienced since the last time we sang it. The technical growth reveals new beauties in the voice. Our life experiences bring new depth to the interpretation. I just sang a song that has been in my rep for more than 15 years and it was a totally new experience. I love that!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Deeper learning

You know what's sad is when you get so busy that you don't even take the time to ramble nonsensically on your blog. I started this post and got all of 2 sentences in before getting distracted by something else. But, I think this is worth coming back to.

In my Yang style Tai Chi class, since we know the whole form (Yang 24) now, we have started working on flipping it--doing everything to the right that we learned to the left. It is an interesting challenge, and it takes the learning to a new level. Sometimes by the time I get to class on Monday nights, my brain is ready to shut down. I know that some of the moves I learned purely kinesthetically, just watching the teacher and imitating her. As I try to flip it, obviously, the body feels it differently since it is a different hand or foot moving, so this really gives me a chance to go back and involve some analytical learning as well. And I'm finding that the better I get at flipping the form, the better I am the first direction.

For years, I've been talking to my students about using as many learning modes as possible. We obviously want to focus on whatever our individual strengths are, but if we use multiple learning methods, we know the material better. For example, if I was memorizing "I Enjoy Being a Girl", I would pick up most of the words just from listening to it and singing it several times. If draw pictures, I'll remember even more. If I make up silly actions (way more exaggerated than you would use to perform), I'll be even more solid in my memorization.

I've also found that there are times when we think we have learned something, but later realize that we just weren't ready to take it to the next level yet. Learning is very much influenced by how ready we are to learn whatever it is we are setting out to learn.

It's also true that sometime we understand things at an unconscious level before we really process it consciously. In writing my novel this past month, things came to the surface that I hadn't considered before. And in analyzing some symbolism (that I didn't even intend as symbolism) I learned something pretty profound.

I cannot imagine a life without learning. I crave it. I need it to exist. And life is more than happy to provide all the opportunities I need.

Another adventure over, at least for now

Today is the first weekend after NaNoWriMo and to be honest I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I woke up this morning and wanted to go right to the computer to start writing as I did every non-work day in November. There are lots of things I should be doing, but I find myself wanting to write. The story is done, but there are places that I could go back and fill in a little more, especially near the end where I was just trying to get to the end of the story. But part of me also needs to be away from this story for awhile.

So, that was all a bunch of rambling nonsense about moving on after NaNo. NaNo teaches you to write, to just get the words out and not worry about editing. Obviously, I'm still stuck in that mode.

Here is some information about what I accomplished during November.

This shows my writing progress for the month of November. Yellow is a little higher than the daily goal, and orange is a little lower. Reds are exceptionally bad days and greens are exceptionally good days. As you can tell, I write best(or most prolifically) when I have big chunks of time. Although they encourage you to shoot for 1667 words a day and do develop a habit of writing daily, it just doesn't work for me. I achieved my goal, but did it in a way that works with my ADD brain. You can fight it, or you can embrace it.

To see a graph of my daily word count totals, you can go here.

I got off to a rough start this year, and there is a lot of crap that needs to be cut, but I'm very proud of what I was able to accomplish this year. I actually finished the story and I wrote 26,600 more words than I needed for an official win.

Now, I'm going to work on catching up on all the things I put off because writing was important or fun, or both.

People who inspire us

I had a different post planned for today, but this is the one I need to write today.

I'm thankful for people who excel in their fields, for people who dream big dreams, and for people who challenge and inspire us to be the be the best we can be.

I was 16 when James Cagney died. I had not yet felt the loss of close friends or relatives, but when he died, I felt like I had lost a family member. My dad was a big Cagney fan, and I loved old movies. Cagney had made me laugh and cry. He was a "hoofer" and one of the best. I admired his skill as an actor and as a dancer.

Today when I read the news of Anne McCaffrey's death, I felt a similar loss. I fell in love with her book, particularly the Pern series, and I've read nearly everything she's written. My own style and subject matter is very much influenced by hers. She hasn't done much writing in recent years, and most of that has been in collaboration with someone else, but while she lived, there was always hope of a new adventure to entertain, teach, and inspire. It really is the end of an era, but also a chance for those of us that have been inspired by her to pick up the torch. It's our turn to move the genre forward and open it to new audiences.

AARP just gave Jane Goodall the Inspire Award and I'd just like to say that she is definitely an inspiration, and not just to retired people. She is a beautiful woman who is continuing to make a difference in the world. I've never really understood people that stand in line for hours to see a celebrity and get the chance to get an autograph, but she is a woman I might do that for. I sincerely hope I one day will get the chance to see her in person. If you don't know her, first of all, what planet do you live on? Secondly, you should read her book Reason for Hope. It's amazing.

I'm also thankful for the less famous, but equally inspiring people in my life. And it's not just in big ways that they inspire. Sometimes it's sharing a quote, or a song, or a personal experience. Sometimes it's making me look at something from a fresh perspective. And many times, people don't set out to inspire me, but they are just there and by being who they are they give me the inspiration I need for that moment.

So my challenge for you and for me is this: 1. Thank someone who inspired you and 2. Put yourself in the right places and situations that you can serve as inspiration for someone else.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Dealing with Depression

A conversation today got me thinking about what I am really thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am thankful that I no longer live each day in the depths of depression.

Do you know that there are a lot of "d" works related to depression? Debilitating, despondency, despair, darkness, dejected. I was really tempted to do the longest, most obnoxious alliteration ever, but as I mentioned on FB awhile back, overdone alliteration cheapens the message. And I want my message today to be one of hope. And hope is one of the most valuable things we can have. The hope that perhaps there would be something better in my future helped me survive a lot of really dark times.

Until you have lived with it, you can never really understand depression.

It's one thing to be feeling lazy and not want to take a shower. It's something else entirely when you don't feel like you have the energy to shower or when you've gotten to the point where you really don't care if you shower.

It's one thing to feel blah and sorry for yourself and not want to do anything. It's something else entirely when you feel totally numb and can't make yourself do anything.

It's one thing to think that you could do better. It's another when you think that you will never be able to do enough or be good enough.

But the good news it that I know it doesn't have to last forever. Don't misunderstand me. It's not as if I never get depressed anymore. I just know how to deal with it now and how to not let it consume my life. I will be on medication for the rest of my life to deal with this. I also work to adjust my diet, exercise, meditation, and outside commitments to help me get through the minor bouts of depression that still pop up occasionally.

The paths that lead us out of depression are as unique as each individual that suffers from depression. I found my path, but there are a lot of really wonderful people in the world still looking for theirs. But it's there. I know it is. Have hope and know that you are not alone.

My life today is so different from where it was several years ago. Every once in a while, I'll have a bad day and then I'll remember when everyday used to be like that. I am happy. I am really happy. And all things considered, that's pretty amazing.

Good things about winter

1. No bugs to clean off the windshield.
2. Flannel sheets and a huge pile of blankets. I love the feel of my flannel sheets and wish they weren't so hot or I'd use them in the summer too. And I love the feeling of being buried under several heavy blankets. If I wasn't so cheap, I'd turn the AC way up in the summer and sleep this way year round!
3. Adding sweaters (and therefore layering) to my wardrobe means I don't wear the exact same outfit too often.
4. ????

Help me here people. I know I had at least one other item. There has to be something else good about winter. My aunt suggested I move to Florida. It's not realistic for me right now, but for the next few months, I might just dream.
-- Posted from my iPhone

Goodbye Dark Chocolate M&Ms

Last night at Tai Chi, my nose was running a lot. I was also having trouble breathing which has never been an issue when doing Tai Chi.

Today, I've sneezed about 5,000 times and used 10,000 Kleenexes. People around me have been sick, but this definitely feels more like an allergic reaction than a cold. At first I thought it might be something in the sweater that I am wearing for the first time this season. But now, I'm not so sure. The sweater is not connected in any way to last night's issues.

So what is the common factor? I hate to say this. I wish it wasn't so. But the common factor is Dark Chocolate M&M's. I had some last night before class. I ate a few on my way to school. I had several (OK, several handfuls) with my lunch, after which I had the most sneezing, runny nose and watering eyes problem of the day. That's what gave it away. The symptoms were going away, so I just used the last few to test my theory, and sure enough, the allergy symptoms just increased.

I guess I just have to switch back to Peanut Butter M&Ms that don't make me sneeze (or quit completely, but that's a little extreme don't you think?)

-- Posted from my iPhone

Random insights and revelations

I should be asleep now, but when you eat dark chocolate m&ms after 9pm and use diet Dr. Pepper to take your night time pills, you just don't go to sleep easily. So, I decided to blog about some of my recent "lightbulb" moments.

Friday night I took a book with me to read while I waited for the choir concert to begin. The book is The Way of Qigong by Kenneth S. Cohen. I loved these two sentences:
"The foundation of qigong is song, relaxation and tranquility. Instead if making an effort and doing more, it may be important to do less."

First of all, I've known about the concept of song for quite awhile now. And I understand that the spelling of the word being the same as the word for a piece of vocal music is completely coincidental, but I still like to think of them as related. My best moments of singing are the ones where I find relaxation and tranquility. Song creates relaxation and tranquility in my life. Over the past several years, I have also learned that I was physically working way too hard to try to sing correctly. I'm learning that be doing less, I can often achieve more.

The next quote (from the same book) reminded me of Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." Neither God nor Qigong will make our troubles go away, but we can find peace in the middle of the tempest.
"Taiji means the balance point between yin and yang, the place of stillness amid change. Finding the Taiji state of mind is equivalent to finding what Thoreau called 'the witness self,' an aspect of the self that is untouched by life's turmoil and that can be accessed during times of difficulty."

Here is one of my favorite quotes and I believe it 100 percent:

"Writing is an act of hope. It is a means of carving order from chaos, of challenging one's own beliefs and assumptions, of facing the world with eyes and heart wide open."

--from The Writer's Idea Book by Jack Heffron

Writing is how I figure things out. I learn when I write. Usually I it's when I'm blogging or journaling, but occasionally, I learn something from writing fiction too.

A character in my novel (yes, the one I am currently writing) said something quite profound and I didn't realize it until I reread it later. She was trying to justify her actions and explain to my main character that it's all about power. Everything we do is about power. My main character is the leader of this group and therefore has power, but Trish pointed out a few other ways that Alanna seeks power. I won't quote the whole passage, but one of the things Trish tells Alanna is that she (Alanna) is a fixer. She's always trying to make things better for people. And fixing is power.

When I reread that, it hit me. I'm a fixer. I want people to be happy. And in many cases, it has transformed situations where I felt powerless. The danger comes when the fixing is more about me than about others. I think that this is what Trish was accusing Alanna of, making the situation better to make herself feel better, not really to help the other people.

Today, the Dalai Lama's tweet says,"Compassion is a feeling from deep in the heart that you cannot bear someone else's suffering without taking steps to relieve it."

I'm rethinking power. I'm not sure I really need it anymore, at least not in the way I used to view it. But that doesn't mean I need to stop being a fixer. I just need to fix because I feel compassion so strongly that I have no other choice but to make a difference.

It's Been a Good Week

This week:

1. I did something brave. Two brave things actually, but no I'm not brave enough to share what I did with the world.

2. I did something I didn't want to do, but needed to do. (But I still have a giant "I Don't Wanna" to tackle).

3. I did something extremely time consuming but very rewarding.

4. For one day of my long weekend, I found a balance between working and resting.

Not bad. I think I'll need to try all of those things again soon.

NaNoWriMo anyone?

The new site just launched for nanowrimo.org and now the fun begins. Officially the writing starts on November 1st, but things start to pick up in the forums in October as people share what they are doing to get ready. And what am I doing to get ready?

I'm trying to decide if I can really pull it off this year. So lucky you, you get to read my personal debate. On the plus side, maybe as I try to convince myself, I'll convince you to.

1. NaNo often leads to sleep deprivation, neglect of friends and family, a messy house (because who wants to take the time to clean when you have a writing deadline?), and doing just enough at work, but skipping the "extras". Yeah, I should be concerned about that, but let's look at my life currently: sleep deprived, no social life beyond FB and my colleagues at work, messy house, and weeks behind in my planning and organizing the studio. So I guess I can't use these excuses. How much worse can it get?
2. My social life actually improves during November as I make the time to go to write-ins and spend time with people that understand my serious obsession.
3. Creativity gives me energy. I often feel better in November even though I'm busier.
4. I can't decide what to write about. I can't really use that excuse since my best year so far is the novel I wrote when I started 10 days late and had no idea what I was writing about.
5. I'll have to haul my computer to and from school everyday. Yes, it's heavy and adds to my shoulder tension and pain when I carry it too much, but I suppose it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I pull out the rolling back pack again.
6. I've been encouraging other people to do this, and they won't be happy if I drop out and leave them to make the journey alone.

I know there were a few other reasons why I shouldn't do NaNo, but I can't remember them right now, so it looks like the good things outweigh the bad.

My author name/username is robinejm, so look me up on the site and let me know where I can find you. And please, please, please join me in this crazy, life-changing adventure.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Time Wasters

Yes, the Internet and all the cool things there can really be time wasters. But today I want to talk about the serious wasters in our lives, the things that have been wasting the time (or money or energy) of humans for millenia.

For example:
1. Having to go to the bathroom. Yes, I do know that it serves an important biological function by helping remove waste from the body, but seriously, what a waste of time.

2. Eating. While sometimes enjoyable, with the time spent preparing, eating and cleaning up after our meals we could accomplish major things.

3. Travel. When do we get "beam me up" technology?

4. Shopping. OK, there are some people that enjoy this, but I'd be perfectly happy if clothes that look good on me just magically appeared in my closet.

5. Shaving. Couldn't we just opt out of this. No, I don't want expensive hair removal. I just want to check a box and hair doesn't grow any more.

And as long as we're on the subject of what I really want, how about one of those machines from the Jetsons where you walk in one side and come out the other just seconds later showered, shaved, dressed etc?

What do you hate wasting time on?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Negotiations

It used to be that when I had a Fibromylagia flare-up or got sick that I would think or say, "My body hates me." I don't believe that anymore. Over the years, I've learned that pain, fatigue, and illness are my body's way of reminding me that I need to take care of myself. My body lets me know if I'm pushing myself too hard, eating the wrong things, or not getting enough rest. Now that I understand what my body is saying, I can usually make adjustments and get back on track fairly quickly (although sometimes not as quickly as I want).

One of the big things I'm learning as I get older is that "doing my best" means doing my best without compromising my physical, emotional, or spiritual health. When I was younger, it just meant that I should push myself harder. If I wasn't dead, I could do more. To be honest, that philosophy helped me accomplish some amazing things, but I was miserable. Not just woe-is-me misery, but feeling-like-I-might-die-but-I-couldn't-possibly-be-that-lucky misery.

But I'm over that. Like I said, I now listen to my body and make the necessary changes and I'm much happier. Most of the time. This week started with a fibromyalgia flare-up. I called in sick for the Parent Open House and went to bed early. For the next few days, I made sure to take my meds, do relaxation exercises and get to bed early so my body had plenty of time to recover. I was managing the flare-up fairly well. I thought my body and I had come to an agreement about how hard I could push myself this year.

I was wrong. My body starts out with little reminders like pain and fatigue. When it doesn't get what it wants, it increases the intensity or throws in something else. So when my attempts at slowing down my life were not enough,my body took the next step and weakened my normally strong immune system just enough for me to get the Back-to-School cold. I felt it starting on Friday morning, and hoped that I was wrong or that a few immune system builders would help keep it away. By the time I left work on Friday, I knew I had lost the battle. I stopped at Target to get the supplies I would need to get me through the weekend. Then I went home and started treating the cold symptoms instead of trying to fight it off.
This is the nastiest cold I have had in a very long time. I've been through almost 4 boxes of Kleenex since Friday night. I'm resting. I'm getting lots of liquids. I'm doing nasal sinus irrigation. I'm doing Qigong exercises to strengthen my immune system and my lungs, and clear my sinuses. I'm taking meds to ensure that this doesn't turn in to a sinus infection, an ear infection, and bronchitis, which used to happen regularly whenever I had any respiratory illness. I'm trying to figure out what other things my body wants from me because I have to work on Monday. Recovered or miserable, I need to be there. Yes, I'm self-employed and can take time off whenever I need to, but I don't get paid sick days. If I miss and I don't want to give up the money, I have to make it up at a later date. How do I make my body understand this? Dear body: I know you liked the summer schedule, but that schedule doesn't pay the bills. I can come straight home from work and go to bed early every night, but I have to be functional at work. So get over this, OK. You have until 6am tomorrow.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Side-effects

I'm lying in bed waiting for the allegy meds to kick in. I'm glad I have them, even though it means I'm going to be a little groggy and super dry most of the day. Neither side-effect is helpful when teaching voice lessons, but they are preferrable to the alternative which is blowing my noise for 3 minutes every 5 minutes to remove the gallons (maybe a slight exaggeration) of snot.
I'm also waiting for pain meds to start working. I only take them in the day time when the pain is bad enough that I'm willing to risk being nauseated and dizzy for a few hours.
I won't take you through my entire list of drugs, but hopefully you get the point. Anyone out there who preaches no meds, has never been miserable enough to need them. Generally I agree that singers should avoid anti-histamines if possible, using sinus rinses and other "natural" methods of keeping the airways free of allergens. But I would never tell someone to never use them, because they live in that body. They know how it responds, and they know what they can endure. I like my doctor's philosophy. He says that all drugs have bad side effects, but some if them also do something good.
Right now, I have two friends with cancer. One is doing chemo and radiation treatments determined to suffer whatever is necessary to beat the cancer. The other friend is halfway through her chemo, has never wanted it, but reluctantly agreed to it, and is considering stopping it. At first, I couldn't understand her perspective. She'd really rather gave cancer that a few months of torment? Her answer is yes, she'd rather have the cancer. The other day, when I was telling my mom about my friends, she said that if she was diagnosed with cancer, she might choose to just let it run it's course and live the rest of whatever time she had as fully as possible. It kind if surprised me, but once again reminded me that healing is not the same as curing, and each individual has to choose the path that is best for them. Only that person knows what it is like to live in that body, so only he or she can decide what is best for that body.
I'm glad that I live in a time when modern scientific medicine and ancient healing tecniques offer many options for coping with my challenges. I'm also working hard to remember to share what I know has worked for me, without implying that it is the one and only solution for everyone.



-- Posted from my iPhone

Funerals

As a musician, I get the opportunity to share in some of the most joyful and some of the saddest days in people's lives. Today I played for the funeral of a 5 year old little girl. It was an interesting experience as we tried to honor and respect the religious and cultural differences of those in attendance, and there were some major differences.



The viewing/visitation was held just prior to the funeral in another room at the church. I had been asked to play some quiet music on the piano there until just before the funeral. To be honest, I think that some people were uncomfortable with me there, but I know others felt comforted by the music. Sometimes it was just me and the little girl alone in the room. The piano was right by the casket, so I was witness to the sorrow and mourning of many individuals. As a stranger, I couldn't do much to comfort them, but through music, I created a place of peace for them to say goodbye.



There were two beautiful things that I really l loved. First, as I got to the chapel, those already seated were having a pre-funeral funeral, with singing and speaking. I didn't understand the language, but I felt the love. Second, no one that spoke at the funeral stood alone. (Even the Bishop had a translator at his side.) The others had one or more friends or family members that came and stood with them, holding a hand, touching a shoulder, giving love and support. There certainly aren't any rules about not having extra people there, but we generally think of the pulpit as a "one-at-a-time" place and the speaker somehow becomes isolated and set apart from the congregation. I loved seeing one woman who had had a particularly difficult time during the viewing, come up to stand with the mother as she spoke. I don't know their relationship, but I could see the love.



Sitting in this funeral made me think once again about what I want my funeral to be like. Long ago, my father told us that he wanted to be buried in a pine box, and he wanted "Ghost Riders in the Sky" and "Happy Trails" for the music. I'm not sure if he ever got Mom to commit to that. She believes that funerals are for the living. (She does have her own funeral program planned, however. But, I might need to get the updated version since I know that at least 1 person she wants to participate is much older than she is.)



Anyway, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but here are the things I would like to have.

1. No organ prelude music. I want congregational a cappella singing before the funeral. Mormons might not know what to do, but I'm sure they'll pick up
on it. Some awesome call and response stuff would be great too. And don't just sing the slow funeral songs.

2. I want a brass quintet to play "Amazing Grace".

3. Musical numbers or hymns should include, "Though Deepening Trials","Lead, Kindly Light", "How Firm a Foundation" and the Richard Walters arrangement of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". OK, yes, the first two are slow, depressing funeral songs, but I like them. I'd also like Nancy Pratt to sing "Guide Me to Thee" She knows which arrangement.

4. Lots of music, a few people sharing memories, minimal sermonizing.

5. I would love some Dixie land jazz as postlude, but that might be pushing things a bit.

6. Mormons don't do wakes, but our family does the next best thing. After the funeral and burial, the family gathers for a meal and lots of visitng. I want that. And it's totally OK if they don't even talk about me. I miss the huge gatherings we used to have for Grandma Finlayson's birthday. Since her death, we don't get together as much. For my funeral, I want everyone that can make it to be there and share memories of their childhood, their families, and the things that make us who we are.



Funerals are a time to mourn, a time to celebrate a life, a time to re-assess our own goals and desires. This little girl brought joy to the lives of all who knew her. I'd better start living my life so that they can say that about me, because in the end, nothing else really matters.



-- Posted from my iPhone

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday. And of course, although it's been on the To-Do list for a week, I didn't get the card sent. Actually, if I ever got a card of any kind sent to my parents before the date of the event, they wouldn't know how to deal with it. Mom would think I had been replaced by a pod person from the planet Mars. It would cause all sorts of trouble, I'm sure. But since I can't get my act together enough to send cards, I try to call and/or send an e-card. Or like today, I blog and send a link.

Mom is the normal one in the family...kind of. There is the issue of her Warner sense of humor. It's totally warped, and none of us with Warner blood can escape it. But really, who would want to. It makes life a lot more fun.

My mom loves words. Her love of words and her sense of humor mean that I always have someone to share awful (or wonderful) puns with. However, she is also the grammar queen and although newer rule books allow it, she would correct that last sentence saying, "Never use a preposition to end a sentence with." We used to watch the local news out of a small town in Idaho and she would have to jump up and get her dictionary to check and see if the newscaster had pronounced a word correctly or used it correctly. (Usually Mom was right and the people on the TV were wrong.) It was lots of fun, really, and educational for all of us too. One year, my dad gave her an unabridged dictionary as a gift. She was totally excited about it. How nerdy is that! I love it, love her, and love that monster dictionary. (Can you put me down for that in the will?)

Speaking of strange gifts, one year my mom's friends and my dad's co-workers gave Dad a really bad time about the gift he gave Mom. She came to his defense saying that the chain saw was exactly what she wanted. And it was true. Yes, she likes pretty stuff (see my Hyacinths post), but she's very practical. They needed a chain saw, she needed a gift, money was short...it was the perfectly logical choice.

Mom knows how to make the best of whatever she has to deal with. She thinks that we were traumatized by some of the events in our childhoods, but some of those hard times are my favorite memories. One year we ran out of heating oil before the end of the winter and didn't have money for more. We closed off the rest of the house and basically lived in the living room, kitchen, and bathroom, heating that space with space heaters and whatever heat the oven generated while in use. It may not be one of her favorite memories, but to me, it was an adventure.

My mom could also make tasty food from whatever cheap ingredients she had. I haven't made these in years, since I now have serious issues with what goes into hot dogs, but I loved these dishes as a kid.
Recipe #1: Roll hot dogs in mustard and then in corn flake crumbs. Bake in the oven.
Recipe #2: Slice hot dogs length-wise and fry them in BBQ sauce. Stir in cooked macaroni and more sauce.

(Just in case you are wondering, she can make real food too.)

My mom does have a couple of weird food things. She can buy a chocolate bar or ice cream and eat a little at a time through the week. How is this even possible??

My mom is probably the person most responsible for me becoming a musician. She is a singer, pianist, and music teacher and I grew up surrounded by music. In fact, because I heard it so much, I was singing in Italian before I knew the ABC song. She also made my music lessons a priority. I know that there were times that the money could have been used for other very important things, but she found a way to pay for my lessons.

My mom set a wonderful example of the importance of life-long learning. She is super intelligent and curious. How many people do you know that read Einstein for fun? We joke that my dad knows more useless trivia than anyone else we know, but I'm betting that Mom could give him a run for his money. And truly, no knowledge is useless. It just gets filed away until you encounter a situation where you need it. From my mom, I learned a love of history, especially British history. Mom and I had a plan to take a trip to England for the year that she turned 50 and I turned 30. (Maybe we started with 40-20. I can't remember.) Anyway, neither one of us has been able to afford it so we haven't been there yet, but someday we are going together. The joke now is that it will be when we are 100 and 80 and I'll be pushing her wheelchair.

I have been incredibly blessed to have 2 very open-minded, compassionate parents. My mom is a seeker of truth and know that truth comes to many people. She shares what she believes and listens and learns from the beliefs of others. When I bought my tickets to the Dalai Lama events in MN last spring, I sent her an email because I knew she was one of the few people that would understand how excited I was. She once commented that she wished Pope John Paul II was still alive because she would like to hang a trio of pictures of him, the Dalai Lama, and Thomas S. Monson and call it her wall of heroes. I told her she should do it anyway. These men radiate love and that's the kind of people that are her heroes.

Because my mom is only twenty years older than me and I was always very mature (that means nerdy, responsible, couldn't understand dumb kid stuff)some people thought we were sisters. Mom says sometimes she was the mom and sometimes I was the mom (yes, I did have some bossiness issues). We took care of each other, we worried about each other, we went to shows and concerts together. We've been known to start singing the same tune at the same time, in the same key and the same place in the song. Neither one of us can draw to save our lives, but when we are a team for Pictionary, we beat my artist dad and brothers. We can recognize each other's sad attempts at art. I can't remember who said it first, but it has been noted that sometimes we share a brain. And if I'm going to share a brain, I can't think of anyone better to share it with than my wonderful friend, my mom.

Happy Birthday, Mom! Start saving those pennies for England.

Learning NOT to Multi-task

My name is Jeannine, and I am a multi-tasker.

I'm on Week 1 Day 2 of my 10 week "Making Healthier Choices" plan. Right now, I'm not eliminating all the "bad" stuff and forcing myself to do "good" stuff, I'm just making little changes.

So, today after a LONG day of teaching, I let myself stop and get pizza on the way home. "Wait a minute!" you say. "How is that a healthier choice?" Here is where the healthier part comes in. I tend to do other things while I eat. I can accomplish a lot while I'm eating a meal. To be honest, I can't remember the last time (before tonight) that I ate a meal without doing several other things. The big problem with that is that then I tend to overeat...a lot. My healthy choice today was to eat my pizza, but just eat my pizza. I couldn't do anything else.

It was hard. I mean really, really hard. I even had to take a break to read the mail. Yeah, I know that technically that means that I didn't eat the whole meal without doing anything else, but the important part is that I didn't eat while I was doing something else.

In our culture, multi-tasking is praised and seen as a skill to develop if you want to really go places in the world. In many ways, multi-tasking has allowed me to achieve things that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. But...I think that there is something to be said for being completely focused on one thing, being fully present, and slowing down.

There is a time and place for multi-tasking, but I think I spend too much of my life there. I've found recently that I'm even starting to multi-task my Tai Chi. "Check your breath. Check your alignment. Keep your heel down. Feel that weight shift." Yes, I do need to tweak all those things, but I also need to sometimes just do the form. Move it, feel it, observe it, be present. Then surprisingly, several of those other issues that I was trying to fix all at the same time kind of fix themselves.

My dinner experiment was tough, but I think I'm going to keep doing it for at least one meal a day. Be present, enjoy the food, and stop when I've had enough.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Where the Music Comes From

I have a student working on Lee Hoiby's "Where the Music Comes From" and we had a wonderful discussion yesterday about what we think the words meant to the composer and what they mean to each of us.

This is a pretty good recording, although she doesn't sing it quite the way I would. (Each singer brings their own life experiences to the music, which of course, would make her performance different from mine).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lacnk2cwElU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

You can read the text here:
http://stephanieadrian.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/lee-hoiby-where-the-music-comes-from/

A while back, I wrote a post about some of my theme songs, songs that have given me courage and strength over the last 20 years. Those songs include "Hold On" from Secret Garden, "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, and "I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles. I think "Where the Music Comes From" is my current theme song. (Glenda will be so proud that I've finally got an Art Song as a theme song. And you should remember that I recently posted about 3 of the most beautiful pieces ever written and 2 were Art Songs and the other was an opera aria.)

Just that list provides insight to where I've been in my journey. "Hold On" was a reminder from a dear friend that even when it seemed like the world and my health were conspiring against me, I could ride out the storm and still succeed. "Defying Gravity" was when I finally quit letting the world (and my health) get to me and I decided to push the boundaries and do what was right for me. "I Am What I Am" was about accepting and loving myself and giving up worrying about what the rest of the world thinks.

"Where the Music Comes From" is the essence who I am, who I've always been, the person that was trapped under all that other garbage. It is peace, but it's also a hunger, a desire to connect with the beauty all around, to the oneness of all that is. I want to grow. I want to feel. I want to love.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Tonglen practice

For years, I have been using deep breathing with visualizations for meditaion, relaxation, and pain relief. The general idea is that with each inhalation, you bring in health, peace, joy, relaxation etc. I often use the imagery of light and energy flowing into whatever part of my body is experiencing pain or tension. With the exhalation, you then release the pain, tension, negative emotions, etc. It is actually quite powerful and effective and recommended not just by spiritual guides and practioners of alternative medicine, but allopathic doctors and psychologists as well.

A few months back, I attended two events featuring the His Holiness the Dalai Lama and a Tibetan medical conference, where I was introduced to the concept of Tonglen practice. I must admit, that I only know the very basics of this, and I'm just beginning to understand it's immense power, but already it is having a huge affect in my life. You can read a little more about it here:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen

At first, this seemed very strange to me. Tonglen practice was completely opposite of the strategies I had used previously. Inhale the bad stuff and exhale the good stuff? How would that make me feel better? Plus, my mind is still far too accustomed to Western thinking and duality. If something is the opposite of another thing that we have identified as right and good, then then new thing must be wrong and bad. I love the Chinese concept of yin and yang. Both are necessary for wholeness, and each contains a seed of the other. I can choose to inhale light and exhale pain, or I can inhale suffering and exhale compassion, depending on the situation and my goals. What I've found is that I love Tonglen meditation, and in some ways it is even more powerful than the more "traditional" breathing imagery. I inhale suffering, but the process of converting it to compassion to be exhaled purifies it. I grow stronger, and strangely, more peaceful as well, by taking on the suffering of others.

I started out with little things and small changes. Because of my ADD and fibromyalgia, it is difficult for me to sit through church and stay focused. We are encouraged to come not just with an attitude of seeking spiritual nourishment, but with an attitude of "How can I serve those around me?" Because I don't stay for Sunday School or the social gatherings that happen once a month after church, I don't have a lot of opportunities to reach out to others while at church. The service I attend does not involve much participation of the congregation or interaction with other members. But, I can focus on the pain and suffering of those around me and inhale that and exhale compassion. If nothing else, my love for them grows, and I am more focused during the meeting.

Recent health challenges of family and friends have given me more opportunties for Tonglen practice. I send messages of encouragement, but I can't always be there to help them through the rough times. I like to think that breathing in their suffering and breathing out compassion for them helps their healing. But even if it doesn't, it increases my love for them, and I believe that love is incredibly powerful and has no boundaries of time or space.

Yesterday as I waited at a stop light, I had another opportunity to apply my new Tonglen practice skills. The light was red, and there were several people waiting to make right turns, which is legal at this intersection if there is no oncoming traffic. Someone a car or two back evidently determined that the first car had missed some good opportunities to go, and therefore, honked their horn to show their disapproval. This totally annoys me, even when I'm not the one being honked at. If you are not to first person in line, you really don't have a clear view of the oncoming traffic. Plus, you have no idea how long it will take that first car to get moving and up to speed. Only that driver knows. So, of course, I became frustrated and upset at the honker and immediately felt the physical responses to that negative emotion. My heart began to beat faster. My muscles tensed. The flight or fight response kicked in and I was ready for a fight. I try to avoid road rage and usually think things like, "Let it go," or "Think positive thoughts," but this time I decided to do a little Tonglen practice instead. As I focused on the suffering of the annoying horn honker, I realized that there may be other reasons beyond rudeness and impatience for his or her behavior. Perhaps there was a family emergency that the person was in a hurry to deal with. Maybe they were late to an appointment due to other complications beyond their control. Maybe they had just had a crappy day and were taking it out on someone else. These thoughts did not justify their behavior, but they did help me to move away from being so judgemental. I still felt protective of the person in the car that they honked at, but I no longer felt the anger or frustration at the offending party, just a renewed commitment to be more understanding of situations when I don't know all the details (which is pretty much all the time). It also was the deepest, slowest inhalation I had done all day, and I'd been teaching voice lessons all day, so that says a lot. That's the thing about inhaling suffering, it is never hard to find, or in short supply. (If you are not aware of the suffering in the world, read this post:
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=5879 and learn a little.) Although love and light and peace are also never in short supply, sometimes it's harder to let enough in for a good deep breath of it.

I'm still a baby when it comes to Tonglen practice and I have much to learn, but what I know and what I've experienced so far have changed me and my responses to the world. Ultimately, Tonglen practice is not just about changing how we think or feel about others, although that us extremely important. What is most important is that compassion drives us to action, to say or do things to help lessen the suffering of ourselves and others.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Summer Vacation

During my summer, I teach a much lighter load and enjoy long weekends nearly every weekend. Some years, I also get to travel to conventions, reunions, or to see family. But I rarely do anything that I would really call a vacation. This weekend, that changed. I did something totally fun that didn't have any work or family connections. After 15 years in MN, I finally spent a weekend at a cabin up north. And I loved it.

We arrived about 3pm on a warm, sunny afternoon and then went swimming in the lake.

Later, I sat at the kitchen table and tried to read, but I was totally unable to focus on the book. The gentle movement of the trees in the breeze, the delicate features of the hummingbird at the feeder just outside the window, and The Muldau playing softly on the radio created an intense moment of peace and beauty that I didn't want to abandon for a formulaic novel.

After dinner we went for a boat ride around the island. The island and lake are beautiful and I loved being on the water.

We walked back down to the dock to watch the amazing sunset. Once again, my iPhone camera doesn't show things exactly as I saw them, but I still really like these pictures.













The lake inspired me to write and as I was writing, and later as I was trying to fall asleep, I finally figured out the big missing pieces to a story I wrote ages ago. There is still a lot of work to be done on it, but at least now I know what I am doing.

The second day there was rainy and cold, so I didn't get to spend more time in the water, but I really enjoyed the day anyway. We did Tai Chi. We read. We went for a walk. We put together a puzzle. We talked.

Good company, wonderful food, and a beautiful location plus reading, writing, swimming, and Tai Chi created the perfect vacation for me. Now I'd better post this and get ready to go back to the real world of work.

Today's profound thoughts

Just in case you were starting to think that I have amazingly deep and profound thoughts all the time, I've decided to share a little of what normally goes on in my brain.

I am a reader. I don't even really try to read, but I notice things and read them whether I want to or not. Today while stuffing my face with potato chips, I happened to read the bag:
"MADE WITH ALL NATURAL INGREDIENTS"
First of all, if we're not supposed to type in all caps because that is like yelling at someone, why do companies use all caps on their labels?
Second, though I appreciate their efforts to avoid all that nasty artificial stuff, I'm eating potato chips. If at this moment I really cared about putting only the best in my body, I wouldn't be eating potato chips. There are no "healthy" potato chips. Some just kill you slower than others.

Then turning to the back of the bag, I see "It all starts with farm-grown potatoes" and "farm-grown potatoes" is in bold.

Number 1, I am from Idaho and should probably know the answer to this question, but help me out anyway. Can potatoes be grown in greenhouses? I thought the options were a farm or a garden.

Number 2, Why are they emphasizing farm-grown? Is that supposed to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? There are some wonderful farms, and some farms do horrible things to the environment (and the food they grow). Which kind of farm did these potatoes come from?

Yes friends, these are the kind if thoughts that fill me head most days. I'm so glad I have all of you to occassionally inspire me to deeper things.

-- Posted from my iPhone

The power of music

Yesterday's Hyacinths post got me thinking about the power of music. Today I'm sharing a clip from my favorite opera where music causes us to share in a character's despair and determination, and hopefully through that be moved to take action to see that no one else lives through that. Then there is a clip from one of my favorite movies where a character uses music to hold onto beauty and hope, and to avoid despair.

Magda in The Consul is my dream role and this amazing aria is one of the reasons I love this opera. The other reason I love it is because it is real. Yes, these characters are fictional, but the things they face are not. No specific time or place is given as the setting. It was written during the Cold War, but this story is still happening all over the world. Politics and bureaucracies and petty differences keep us from seeing that real people, real lives are at stake. Magda ends the aria with these words: "Oh! the day will come, I know, when our hearts aflame will burn your paper chains. Warn the Consul, Secretary, warn him. That day neither ink nor seal shall cage our souls. That day will come."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIB9cGlLkm0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The next clip is from Shawshank Redemption and pretty much explains itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKPVDjEkC0c&feature=youtube_gdata_player
-- Posted from my iPhone

Hyacinths

I brought my laptop home, but somehow left the power cord at school, so I'm blogging from my phone again. When I get to a real computer, I'll embed the YouTube videos or change them to links. For now, just do the old -fashioned cut-and-paste into your browser.

My mom enjoys spending time making her home beautiful. As you know if you've ever been to my house, I'm a total failure in that department. It's not that I don't want a beautiful home, it's just that I don't want to spend the time and money to do it. I was explaining this to my mom and she quoted one if her favorite poems.

"If, of thy mortal goods, thou art bereft,
And from thy slender store two loaves
alone to thee are left,
Sell one & from the dole,
Buy Hyacinths to feed the soul"
-Muslihuddin Sadi,
13th Century Persian Poet

I love the idea. We all need beauty in our lives and nourishing our souls through beauty is as important as nourishing our bodies with food. But, I'm a bread addict, and hyacinths can cause irritation to people like me with sensitive skin.

Seriously though, being able to see and experience beauty is essential to our well being. My house might not be beautiful, but I see beauty every day. I have to be really careful about driving at sunset, because sometimes I get so caught up in the breath-taking view that I forget to pay attention to driving. I'll pull over at random times to take pictures of trees or flowers. I crave beauty and I have to get me fix every day.

Here are 3 of my "hyacinths" from this week. OK, to be honest, it hasn't just been this week. These are songs I come back to frequently. The ending of the first one brings me to tears every time. The other two are definitely in the top ten most beautiful songs ever written. These songs speak to me. They tear at my soul and make me feel whether I want to or not. They may not have the same effect on you, but find the songs, or the art, or whatever beauty that exists that makes you feel something beyond yourself and keep it close for those times when you need "hyacinths".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC0qzrGA0MI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQZep0kWD9Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfXJ72qZftA&feature=youtube_gdata_player




-- Posted from my iPhone

10 things I've Never Done

Today a friend posted something on Facebook and said something like "it was even more awesome than hp7.2." I wondered what new computer/software/gadget release I had missed. A few hours later I figured it out--the new Harry Potter movie. Most of my "cool" friends either went to the midnight showing or will see it this weekend. I've never been to a movie on opening weekend. Usually I wait until it's at the cheap theatre or on DVD. If I do make it while it's at the first run theatre it's usually a few weeks into the showing and there are at most 20 of us in the theatre. I don't like crowds, and I don't function well enough late at night to ever enjoy a midnight movie. And all that got me thinking about things that most of my friends do quite regularly that I've never done. So here's my list of 10 things, and no, my life is not empty or pathetic without them. I'm quite happy, thank you.

1. I've never been to the midnight opening of a movie.
2. I've never been to a rock concert. (The closest I've been to anything like that has been concerts by Linda Eder, Mandy Patinkin, and Riders in the Sky. BTW, those were three separate concerts, they didn't all perform together, although that would definitely be interesting.)
3. I've never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld.
4. I've never been to NYC to see shows.
5. I've never been to LDS General Conference in Salt Lake City.
6. I've never had a desire to sing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (but it is pretty awesome to have friends in the choir.)
7. I've never had any piercings; even my ears are unpierced.
8. I've never dyed my hair (but I did use colored hair gel and had numerous perms in the 80's.)
9. I've never been to Mexico.
10. I have never even come close to using all the minutes and texts allowed on my cell phone plan (and I have the cheapest plan available.)
Bonus one--I've never spelled theatre with er at the end instead of re. Call me a snob and maybe a movie place should be er, but if it has a stage, it deserves the best, most proper spelling.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Learning at my own pace

I very clearly remember that when I was in elementary school I really wished I could go to a school where I could learn at my own pace. There were many areas where I felt held back by the other kids who were progressing at an average rate. There were also some things that I wanted and needed more time on to feel like I really knew and understood.

As a student, and as a teacher I have been frustrated by deadlines. "All students should master these skills by this date" just doesn't work for me. Voice lessons gives me a little more freedom to help the student see that the journey is more important than the destination, but still I have to deal with getting kids ready for an audition or contest by a certain date. And these kids really want to do these things.

I have had several students over the years with sincere desire and a great work ethic that simply are not yet vocally ready for what they want to do. And it's not their fault or mine. They will get there eventually, but probably long after these current opportunities have passed.

It's not just school where we see this. Even at church, there is the pressure of a "deadline". We are reminded to always put things in an eternal perspective (in the big picture, does it really matter that your friend got in the musical and you didn't), but at the same time, we get one lifetime to get it together, and if you don't, too bad for you for all of eternity. Sometimes it makes me want to believe in reincarnation where I keep getting chances until I get it right.

I don't have a solution for learning at your own pace in formal education or religion, but I have found a wonderful gift in Tai Chi. I have found a place where I can learn and grow as fast or as slow as I need to. There is no perfection in Tai Chi. There is always something to work on and improve. How many new moves we learn may be dictated by how quickly the class is picking up on it, but there is no piece of paper stating that we must get to such and such a point by a certain date. And if the overall learning pace is slower than mine, then I can use the extra repetitions to take it to a deeper level. I never feel like I am wasting time or being held back. If the overall pace of the class is a little faster than mine, then I do the best I can to get the overall shape and know that I will have time to improve later. I am not articulating this well, but what I'm trying to say is that for the first time in my life, I am really enjoying something (and hopefully improving too) without the pressure of deadlines or competition or having to be perfect. I'm simply doing what is right for me right now. And it's wonderful.



-- Posted from my iPhone

Nerd Alert

I put up wallpaper today. Kind of. It's paper and it's on the wall, but it's not for the purpose of beautifying my home. In fact, I had to take down 3 nice pictures to put up the paper. It's kind of a long story, but here's the short version: I am a major nerd.

Read on if you are not surprised by that and would like more details.

In the fall of 2003, my friend announced at bookgroup that she would not be attending the next meeting because she would be participating in NaNoWriMo and trying to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. It sounded fun, but I put it in the "not for me right now" pile and let it go. But it didn't let me go. On November 10, I registered and then went on to win. (That means I wrote more than 50,000 words.) Also, although there are gaps that I need to fill in, I finished the novel in the sense that I got to the end of the story. Kind of.

It has a great ending, but one that begs for a sequel. So...since 2003, I've written big chunks of 4 more novels in this series, plus 2 short stories, plus a few pages of 2 more stories (or maybe they'll turn out to be novels too), and I have ideas that I want to explore in at least 7 more stories or books.

A couple years ago I was involved in a writing group. Several people in this group have since had stories or novels published. I had a great time and enjoyed being with them, but I couldn't really get excited about preparing my novel for publication. I decided that I didn't want to take the fun out of writing. It fed my soul, and I needed that, not the grueling and stressful acts of editing, rewriting, and revising. Granted, it may that I'm just too lazy to do the hard part of the writing process. But the point is, I decided to just keep exploring this world and these characters. I mentioned at one meeting that maybe I'm not writing several novels. Maybe I'm doing the world building for one major epic that would make James Michener's best look like a little book. Today, I'm pretty sure it's not just one book. I'm also pretty sure that I'm still exploring and trying to figure out the answers. There are questions that arise in the 2nd book, that every subsequent book or story has been trying to answer. I've found a few answers, but the characters are still revealing their world to me. And more questions arise with each new story.

My writing is not autobiographical, but my characters deal with situations and issues that I am dealing with at the time. In the first book, Holly struggles with pain, frustration and depression that are closely linked to her work and her gifts. I wrote that at a very difficult point in my life. If I had an awful day, I would come home, sit at the computer, and give Holly something even worse to deal with. Writing about her struggles helped me cope with my own. I found peace when she did. My roommate commented on how happy I was because of the writing.

This crazy bunch of stories about this world and these people keep calling to me. Some years I've written other novels for nano, but these people won't let me go. I can't go more than a year or so without at least rereading and jotting down notes for where I want to go in the future.

That's what the "wallpaper" is for. I have notes saved on my phone; I have a notebook with spidergraphs and lists; and of course, I have the stories themselves. But I need to be able to see it all at once--to put all these people and events on a time line, to draw line connecting people and describing relationships. And the best notes on a computer will not do that. (and I hate flipping back and forth between a million different pages) To be honest, I don't think the hall wall is big enough, but I need to rearrange the bedroom and move furniture in order to use the big wall there. Since I still haven't finished the closet cleaning project yet, I'm going to wait on the rearranging. The hall will give me a place for a first draft and I can always copy or enlarge later.

I guess it's better than giant posters of the blueprints for the Enterprise (which I think are totally cool, but I would never decorate with them), but I think a wall of story notes definitely earns me nerdom.

-- Posted from my iPhone

My Dad

My dad is...what’s the best way to put this...unique.  I was tempted to use words like weird, crazy, warped, bizarre, etc., but not all my readers (all 3 of you) know that in my family, those words are compliments.  He’s not perfect, but his is an incredible man that really means a lot to me.  

Of course my mother played a major role in helping me become the person I am today (and she’ll get a post for that on her birthday since I missed Mother’s Day), but the older I get, the more I realize just how much my dad influenced who I am and what I love.  

When I was trying to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up (before college, not last week), I knew that I it would involve either teaching or medicine.  Today I am a teacher and I’m starting on a path to become a healer.  

My dad didn’t start his teaching career until I was a teenager, but he’s always been a teacher.  Kids are drawn to him. Maybe it’s because he is just a taller, balder, grayer version of them.  My dad never forgot how to be a kid.  And he never forgot the challenges of being a kid.  He’s tough on his students, but then know that he cares.  And sometimes he’s been the only person that they felt did care.  I couldn’t help but be a teacher; it’s in the blood on both sides of the family.  But I’m grateful for the example he set in really caring for the individual student, not just their ID number and test scores.  I hope my students know how much I worry about them when they have troubles and how much I rejoice with them when they succeed.  

As I mentioned, I’m on the path to becoming a healer (more details at a later date) and I think I got that from my dad too.  He’s had first aid training and was always the go to guy when anyone in the neighborhood got hurt.  To be honest, I’m not really sure how extensive his knowledge is, but we knew that he could take care of whatever happened.  And I think that trust and and the ability to put an injured person at ease did a lot towards helping the healing to begin.  

Dad claims that I got my musical talents from my mom, but I know some of it came from him too.  He played the trumpet in high school and helped my brothers out when they were learning trombone and drums.  It may not be what he spends his free time doing, but I refuse to believe that he is not musical.  

Speaking of free time...my dad works until he is ready to drop and then watches TV and reads to relax and recharge.  And his choice of TV shows, books, and movies reflects who is is and certainly shaped my personal philosophy. 

My dad is a sci-fi fan and we’ve seen many shows together.  We watched Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Kahn so many times that we could quote all the best lines.  Of course, with his super brain, that only one viewing; I took a few more to get it.  But it’s not the quotes that formed my beliefs, but the concepts I learned through countless episodes and movies:  there are always possibilities; the color of your skin, your gender, your political affiliations do not determine your value; family is worth sacrificing for, and that family may include people that you have no legal or blood connection to; those we perceive as the enemy can become our trusted friends, etc.  

But enough about sci-fi.  Let’s get to the really nerdy stuff: comic books.  You know, I didn’t really appreciate them as a kid.  Comic book collecting was just something Dad did.  I don’t know all his reasons for loving them, but here are a few things I’ve learned from comic books and super heroes:  we all have alter egos and hopefully the public persona and the private persona both work for good in their own ways; we all have things that make us strange and different (and I wish I had some mutant superpowers) and it’s those quirky things that allow us to serve mankind; we all need wardrobe updates occasionally, but drastic changes can make other people uncomfortable.  

When we would watch Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris movies, I remember being impressed by their skill, but it wasn’t really my thing.  But now I have found my thing, and surprise, it is based on the martial arts.  I have issues with violence, and as much as I respected the discipline of the martial arts, it is still fighting and that bothered me.  Tai chi, however, is based on the same moves, balance, and discipline, but is a form developed for promoting health, not for battle.  So once again, my dad and I have a lot to talk about.  

Just to be clear, my dad is not a violent man; he just enjoys beat-em-up movies.  My dad is actually one of the kindest most, loving men you will ever meet.  He will never be a rich man because he can’t see people or a program in need and not do something about it.  I don’t know how many thousands of dollars he has spent over the years getting things to help his scouts.  They didn’t have enough tents, so he bought some.  When my parents needed a new car, he bought a mini-van to make scouting trips easier.  (Their kids were all adults when they purchased their first mini-van.) My dad will literally give you the shirt off his back.  Well, maybe not the shirt, but he did take off his brand new coat and give it to someone he thought needed it more than he did.  

I think part of my dad’s incredible character comes from the heroes of his childhood:  The Silver Screen cowboys.  Roy Rogers and Gene Autry wore the white hats and there was never any doubt that they would do the right thing.  Yes, I love me some Jack Bauer, and I know that unfortunately our world is much more like the world of 24 that any setting of a Roy Rogers movie, but still I miss knowing that there is a right choice and our hero will make it.  Plus, I’ve never heard Kiefer sing, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be as good as Roy or Gene.  

My dad’s favorite scripture is Isaiah 49:31: “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings of eagles; they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.”  

He believes it.  He lives it.  

One day my mom made a comment that the Isaiah verse was Dad’s favorite, but Job 27:5 is who he is:  

“...till I die I will not remove my integrity from me.”  

Of all the amazing things I have learned form my dad, this one is the most important.  

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!  I love you!

More Love

I'm blogging from my phone today, so I can't make nice pretty links, but copy and paste these into your browser and you'll still go to the right places.

Love has been on my brain lately. You might remember this post on unbiased compassion.
http://notquitewhatyoudexpect.blogspot.com/2011/05/unbiased-compassion.html

Today I read this post
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=5010
and I'm thinking again about what it really means to love others.

A couple of years ago, I was asked to do "More Love" by the Dixie Chicks for a wedding. We ended up not doing it after all, but in the process if preparing it, I grew to love it. I loved the message, but I also loved it because it reminded me of the bride's father. He is one of the most loving, compassionate people I have ever met, and I think he passed this on to his children. Yes, it was about the couple that was getting married, but I think it was also their world view. We have our differences, but the most important thing is the love we share.

You can read the lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dixiechicks/morelove.html

or watch and listen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BBDpvPbdjc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

-- Posted from my iPhone

I love to cook

I love to cook, and I'm good at it too. I just don't do it very often. But when I cook, I really cook. Today I made zucchini bake, potato soup, minestrone, and a yummy macaroni casserole that I've yet to name.

Last week, I went nuts at Aldi. In addition to bags and bags of canned goods, frozen veggies, and pastas, I bought way too much produce. It wasn't really too much. I just didn't cook/eat at home as much last week as I had planned to. Tuesday through Friday of this week are total craziness, so I knew that if I wanted to use this stuff I'd better do some cooking today.

I started out with the potato soup. I used my recipe for potato corn chowder, but made a few adjustments including adding carrots and celery. It turned out really well.

Then I used the onions, red pepper, green pepper, zucchini and tomatoes for the zucchini bake. I let it cool and then put it over pasta to make indivdual
meals.

I needed to use up the rest of the zucchini and pasta and some more of the celery, so I made up my own minestrone recipe throwing together some canned beans and tomatoes with some spices and frozen vegetables. I wish I had paid attention to how much if everything I was using, because the final product was amazing.

I had another green pepper to use, plus some green onions that wouldn't last much longer. A box of mac and cheese, a can of diced tomatoes with chilies, frozen corn, and some sharp cheddar cheese were added and I had a casserole.

And now I have freezer meals for quite awhile.

My mom's mother was a wonderful cook. I think sometimes my mom felt that she wasn't as good a cook as her mother, but my mother taught me a lot about creative cooking. My mom was a creative cook mostly out of necessity. We had some really lean times when I was growing up. It's hard to find variety when you have to keep coming back to the same really cheap basics. My mom could make delicious meals with hotdogs as the main ingredient. I do not like hotdogs, but I would eat those dishes.

I don't do much experimenting with hotdogs in my cooking, but I do enjoy seeing what I have and trying to make something tasty from it. And the more I do it, the better I get.

-- Posted from my iPhone

I am an iPhone camera

I crave beauty. I've been stopping the car at random places to jump out and take pictures of beautiful flowers, trees, clouds, etc. People think I'm crazy, but I can't help it. Everything is so beautiful right now, and I want proof for those days when it seems there is nothing beautiful in the world.

The funny thing is that the pictures don't really show what I was seeing, but they are beautiful too. Sometimes it's a little frustrating when my camera phone can't capture what my eyes can. But, it's limited focus and the fact that it doesn't see light in the same way my eyes do, creates stunning effects. If I had a good camera, I couldn't get these pictures. I don't know how to create this, but my less than fantastic camera does and can.






















Sometimes it's easy to get discouraged when my limitations and imperfections get in my way. But I'm also thankful for them. They make me who I am. There is incredible beauty in my life,not in spite of the difficult things, but because of them. And my limitations and imperfections sometimes let me see beauty that other people miss. I am an iPhone camera.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Curiosity

I was going to just post some quotes about curiosity on FB, but a friend recently complained about a quote as a status, so to spare her, I'll blog about them instead.

I just got the summer catalog for Learning Life, courses offered through continuing education at the U of MN. I've been to a few of their classes/events and loved them. I think they are targeted towards retired people/senior citizens, but that doesn't bug me at all. I like hanging out with smart people regardless of their ages. Anyway, the catalog came. They are offering some amazing "Curiosity Camps" and I wish I could attend them all. They filled the blank spaces between course descriptions with quotes about curiosity.

This one is my favorite:
"My own curiosity and interests are insatiable."
Emma Lazarus, American poet

That so perfectly describes me. There are very few things that don't interest me. I will never run out of things I want to learn more about.

Here's another great one:
"Curiosity was framed. Ignorance killed the cat."
Anonymous

I might have to frame that one.

And finally, from Walt Disney:
"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we are curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."


-- Posted from my iPhone

Why I'm not a fan of seafood

I've never really liked the taste of seafood, plus when served, it too often resembles what it looked like alive. I'm not a vegetarian, but I do have issues with the whole eating animals thing.

Yesterday at the Tibetan Medicine Conference, someone asked the panel about how Tibetans view the vegetarian diet. An important part of Tibetan medicine is identifying your constitution and then making choices about your food, activities, etc. based on that. Some people need a high protein diet and some need very little in the way of animal proteins. One of the panelists (an MD that uses aspects if Tibetan medicine in her practice) commented that Tibetan Buddhists do not each much fish. According to her, Buddhists see the taking of a life as something serious and 1fish feeds fewer people than 1cow. I almost laughed, not because it was a ridiculous concept, but because I've thought that my entire life, and thought I was completely alone. I won't eat shrimp because it takes several lives to make 1meal, but I do eat beef because many people can be fed by that one animal.

Maybe I was a Tibetan Buddhist in a former life. :)



-- Posted from my iPhone

Unbiased compassion

Today I skipped church and spent the day with the Dalai Lama (and a few thousand other people). A concept that came up repeatedly was that of unbiased compassion. I'm not going to write about what he said as much as I want to explore what it means to me.

We hear a lot about unconditional love. I could write for hours just on what love means, but I'm not going to today. Lucky you. Unconditional obviously means without conditions. I will love you regardless of what you do or say or think. You ate the last cookie. I love you. You robbed a bank. I don't like what you did, but I still love you. You were responsible for genocide. God's gonna make you pay, but I love you.

Unbiased compassion might sound like the same thing, but I see subtle differences in this approach that I think make a huge difference in our personal peace and the peace of the world. I love this definition of compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it. Isn't that really what we are referring to when we talk of Christ-like love? And then when you make that compassion unbiased...wow!

As you know, I'm a dictionary nerd and I don't just read the definitions that obviously fit the
context in which the word was used. The verb form of bias means to give a settled and often prejudiced outlook to. If our compassion is biased we have judged whether or not that person is worthy of our compassion. But here's the cool definition: to apply a slight negative or positive voltage to (as an electron-tube grid). Totally wrong context, but it prompts deep thoughts. Positive versus negative energy and we choose based on how we feel about that person and their beliefs and actions. Unbiased compassion, on the other hand asks that we not only avoid judging others, but that we also recognize them as children of God (or the universe or the same creator). And because of that we want to serve them and alleviate their suffering.

Some people just radiate love. His Holiness the Dalia Lama is one of them and that's why I wanted to see him today. And now I have a lot of things to think about.

I'm going to leave you with a beautiful text that touched me. My favorite line is, "Enthused by wisdom and compassion". Love it!!!! But that's a post for another day

With the wish to free all beings,
I shall always go for refuge
To the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha
Until I reach the heart of awakening

Enthused by wisdom and compassion,
Today in the Buddha's presence
I generate the mind for enlightenment
For the benefit of all beings.

As long as space remains,
As long as sentient beings remain,
Until then, may I too remain
And dispel the miseries of the world.

It Takes Time

I am loving my new journey of learning Tai Chi. And I am amazed (though I probably shouldn't be) and how many similarities there are between this and studying/teaching voice. When I first began my Master's degree in vocal performance, my teacher had me read Brenda Ueland's book If You Want to Write. She said to just substitute sing whenever Ueland said write. The book is amazing and has influenced me both as a writer and a singer. In Dr. Paul Lam's latest newsletter, I found an article and a link to a video that once again reminded me how closely related the things that I love are.

The article is actually the text from Brenda Hum's talk that she gave at a Tai Chi Conference. "What does the Spirit of Tai Chi Mean?" is a beautiful exploration of what Tai Chi can do for us as individuals and as a group. If you substitute the word music, you could give this talk at a music educators' conference. Please read it. All I can add is AMEN!



The video of Marty Kidder's talk is hilarious, especially as he shares "code" phrases for how to encourage your students and what the teacher might really be thinking. Students--I just want you to know that I've been using these phrases for years, and not because you are clueless, but for the reasons he states at the end. The pursuit of any worthy goal takes time and discipline and a willingness to risk and even embrace failure in order to learn.

Someone recently asked me about my interests and activities and I mumbled a few things and then felt like I must live a pretty boring life. I think she just caught me at a bad time. The truth is, I live a pretty amazing life. I love to explore--places, ideas, feelings. I read a lot. Lately it's been more news and blogs than books, but I can't stop reading. I love watching plants and animals and people. You can learn so much from quiet observation. I love music, tai chi, and writing and those 3 interests alone could provide a lifetime of learning and challenges. I'm not perfect, and I don't have to be to really enjoy them. The mastering of any skill or art takes time, and even the greatest masters never stop learning and practicing.

Live and Love

I've discovered that when I type using the tiny touch keyboard on my iPhone, because the keys are so small, the o and i often get mixed up. Often I try to type that I love something and end up saying that I live it instead.

Is it really a mistake, or my subconscious telling me how important it really is? Do I live in a way that reflects the things and ideas that I love? Do I love the way I live?

I mix up of and if too, but I don't really have any profound thoughts about that.
-- Posted from my iPhone

I love Tai Chi

Not wanting to bore my friends with the same status I've used a million times before, I've tried not to post "I love Tai Chi" as my FB status after every class, but I know I think it frequently. And today, I love it so much that it is my blog title, not just a status.

Once again, Saturday offered too many choices of good things, but I chose the one that I really needed--World Tai Chi and Qigong Day at Normandale Community College. I saw demonstrations of many styles and forms of Tai Chi (and participated in the demo of one form). There were also breakout sessions, a group meditation, and an amazing drum performance. I left energized and excited and educated about my future with Tai Chi and Qigong.

But before talking about the future, I need to share a little of the past. I first became interested in Tai Chi years ago when it was introduced as part of a class on Sociology and Health that I took from Dr. Aho at Idaho State University. The entire course was amazing, but I was particularly interested in Chi and it's place in Chinese health and society. For years, I casually looked for a Tai Chi class that fit my budget and schedule, which basically meant that it was all just wishful thinking. Then late in the fall of 2009, I decided that it was time to do something for me. During what was probably a mini-manic phase (because I actually thought I had the time and money), I called and made an appointment for a massage, signed up for Mini-Medical School at the U of MN, and enrolled in a Tai Chi class through our school district's Community Ed.

Technically, I'm morbidly obese (according to weight charts, although blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. are all at normal levels). Plus, I'm not the most coordinated person in the world. (We still laugh and wonder how I can play the organ which requires both hands and both feet all working together, when other things like learning to drive a car with a clutch were really hard). I love to dance, but it takes me a long time to learn the steps, and the directors and choreographers usually did a good job of hiding me in the back. Also, every gym/fitness class I ever took in high school or college was always the most stressful course in my load. I was a brain, and my physical lack of coordination, ability, etc. destroyed any joy I may have gotten from the experience because I was worried about my GPA being ruined because I was a clutz. (Did I mention that I frequently walk into walls?)

So, that huge rambling paragraph was just to illustrate the fact that although I was excited to finally explore Tai Chi, I was also a little frightened. Luckily, I happened to find one of the best Tai Chi instructors and programs.

I started with the Sun 31 form in January of 2010 and discovered that I could really do this and I loved doing it. I had only planned to do the one session, but I couldn't quit. In the Spring, I fell and broke my arm. (It was not a sports injury. I couldn't even blame it on the icy MN winter. The clutz stepped in a whole and fell). Because of the break, I missed a few weeks of class, but then when I was healed, I started attending twice a week to make up the missed classes. Twice a week was even better! I was definitely hooked.

Linda asked me to be her teaching assistant for the Sun 41 class in the fall. (41 is the form currently endorsed by the Arthritis Foundation and is very similar to the form I had already learned). I jumped at the oppotunity to get another hour of Tai Chi for free. This year has been awesome as I've polished my skills at Sun 41, learned Yang 24, and started learning the Fan Form.

One of the reasons that Linda's classes have been so good for me is that she is really good at reminding you to find what feels good for your body. It's not a competition; you don't have to meet certain proficiencies by a certain date; you just learn the basics and gradually refine it as your skill level and strength increases. This will probably sound bad, but I think that one of the things that allowed me to thrive in this class is that there were real people in the class, dealing with weight issues, health problems, and coordination challenges sometimes worse than my own. And Linda helped each of us to find how Tai Chi can best work for us.

Last year, as I was leaving class, another student commented on how graceful I was doing Tai Chi. Part of me laughed, but another part was super excited. I've been called many things, but I don't think I had even been called graceful. (I have the heart of a dancer, but even when I was thin, my body was not proportioned correctly. And if course there was that little balance/coordination issue). I came home and sent a message to my college dance instructor/choreographer knowing that he'd think it was as funny as I did. Last week, another student used the word graceful referring to me. Tai Chi is good for my self-esteem!

Seriously, it is good for my self-esteem. Actually, the last decade has been good for my self image. I used to be super critical of myself, and I'm learning to really like me, just the way I am. Yes, I really do need to lose weight, but I'm more comfortable in this body than I was in my 140 pound college body. I like who I am, and I find myself being less and less critical of this body, while at the same time making choices to make it better. On a bad day,I might have a thought or two about having my huge backside to a group of people in an exercise class, but even then, I just turn and do my thing and forget about it pretty quickly. My size doesn't get in the way of me helping these people to learn Tai Chi.

And today, my size actually helped someone and helped her to see that she can do Tai Chi too. Linda invited me to do the demo with the Normandale classes and instructors. I'm pretty comfortable in front of our class now, but this was an audience of strangers, and although I would be in a big group, it was a group of people I didn't know. I figured I'd be safe if I stayed in the middle, and when we lined up in the hallway, I tried to position myself so that I would be in the middle. Unfortunately, I ended up on the side, so there were people in front and in back of me, but not to the right. On my right was the audience. It should not have been a big deal, but performance anxiety did get in the way a bit. I didn't do anything really wrong, but I didn't get into it as much as I wanted to. I got through it. The best part of the day though was during a break when someone from the audience came up to talk to me. She thanked me for doing the demo and said how nice it was to see a queen size person up there doing it. She is not as large as I am, but she had taken a class previously where she had been made to feel like she shouldn't be there because of her size and joint problems. She was so careful as she phrased it, not wanting to offend me by saying I was fat. I wish I had gotten her full name and contact info so I could really thank her. I've loved helping Linda teach her classes, and this comment from a stranger today simply reinforced my desire to learn more and eventually teach Tai Chi. I want people to see that you can make healthy choices and do things that are good for your body even if you don't have a perfect body.

I teach voice lessons to students of a wide range of talent and skill level. Of course I love the super gifted. Who doesn't? But what I love most about teaching is seeing the students progress from wherever they are. Yes, it's great when your student wins a competition or is chosen best in site at contest, but it is also extremely rewarding, sometimes more so, when the kid that couldn't match pitch is now singing in tune 80% of the time. Some teachers would be frustrated by that other scary 20%, but I see how far the kid has come and feel great joy and satisfaction in that.

Tai Chi is "exercise", but it is primarily about promoting health by increasing the flow of Chi. Chi is energy. One of the speakers today called that energy unconditional love and said we are all born with it.

One of my voice teachers described the voice as a glowing ball of light (and I've told this and adapted it so many times, that I'm not sure where her imagery ends and mine begins. Sorry) We are all born with it. Some are big; some are small; some are brighter than others; but we all are born with a beautiful light. But life covers that light with layers of other stuff until sometimes the light is not visible at all. Voice lessons are not about "building" a voice. They are about gradually peeling away the layers to reveal the light and beauty beneath them.

Every time I think of a ball of energy when doing Tai Chi or Qigong, it looks exactly like my voice ball of light. Coincidence? I don't think so. I think they are one and the same. I have always felt called to help people find their voices. This new Tai Chi adventure is not a new path for me. It is simply more exploration with new terminology. And it is another way that I can make a difference in the world.


-- Posted from my iPhone