Perspective

"How Firm a Foundation" is one of my favorite hymns.  For years, it has given me comfort and encouragement, reminding me that I have someone in my corner.  Many of the verses are clearly from God's perspective.

Fear not, I am with thee;  oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.  

Recently I've been thinking about how we are God's hands here on earth.  We are the ones that do his work.  When each of the "I" statements becomes about me personally, rather than just God watching out for me, it reminds me of my responsibility to reach out to others, to be the aid that they need.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand

And it isn't just about about helping others.  It's about standing with them, mourning with them, bearing their burdens.

For I will be with thee,

It's about holding them near, caring for them, lifting them up.

Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.  

The final stanza is a beautiful promise that God will never forsake us.  It's also a reminder of the kind of person I want to be--the person that never turns away one in need.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake.
 

Click here to read all 7 verses.  

My Favorite Christmas Songs

It's time for my Top 11 Christmas Songs list.  (It was just going to be 10 and then I found something else.) I reserve the right to change my mind at any time, because that's how I work, but today, these are the songs that I love and that speak to my heart.

There are certain sounds that just make Christmas real.

I'm old enough that Bing Crosby, Andy Williams, and Perry Como are still the voices of Christmas to me.  Some of the most beautiful Christmas music is choral music.  

If I was stranded on a desert island and I could only have one Christmas recording it would be Chanticleer's Sing We Christmas.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Silver Bells

This song has some special memories because my mom and I used to sing it together.  

White Christmas
Christmas just isn't Christmas without Bing Crosby singing White Christmas.



The Christmas Song
It's been recorded by nearly everyone, but since my students have no idea who he is, I'm including the recording of this song by the man that wrote it, Mel Tormé.



And if you are a music nerd and haven't seen this yet, it is a must watch video.

Christmas Like a Lullaby

This song is actually fairly new to me, but I love it.  We listened to a lot of John Denver when I was growing up, especially on car trips, so he is an old friend, one I listen to frequently.  

Thankful

This song is not necessarily a Christmas song, but Josh Groban recorded it on his Noel album.  I was just introduced to it this year when a student brought it in to sing at her voice lesson.  The words spoke to me, especially considering all that has occurred in the last few months. "It's up to us to be the change."

Breath of Heaven

Amy Grant's beautiful song lets us feel Mary's doubts, fears, and faith as she ponders her destiny as the mother of Jesus.  

Christmas Lullaby

This beautiful song is from Jason Robert Brown's Songs for a New World.  It takes us one step beyond feeling what Mary felt, like we hear in "Breath of Heaven", to becoming like Mary.  You can read the text here.  

In the Bleak Midwinter
This beautiful poem by Christina Rossetti has been set by numerous composers.  The tune that most will recognize is the Gustav Holst setting as performed here by the Choir of King's College, Cambridge.  You can read the full text here.



Here's is the Chanticleer recording.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

I first fell in love with this song when I found Patrick M. Liebergen's arrangement for solo voice and an obligato instrument. You can buy the book here, or sheet music here.  We often sing only a verse or two of this, but those verses we sing are from a much longer poem found here.  The melody itself is haunting, but this setting is particularly beautiful.  I didn't think I could possibly find another that I loved as much, and then I heard this recording by the Piano Guys.  

Silent Night
Written original for solo voice and guitar, arrangements have appeared for possibly every instrument and ensemble. Go here to read the verses that we don't often hear.  Here are a couple, one in the original German, and one arranged for orchestra, choir, and congregation.



 

What are your favorite Christmas songs and recordings? Please share.  

Songs of Hope

I'm in the process of planning the music for church for the next few months.  As I flipped through the hymnbook, I found 3 songs that I absolutely love that we don't sing very often.  One of the reasons we don't sing them often (even when I'm choosing the hymns) is that people comment that they are depressing or that they are funeral songs.  While appropriate as funeral hymns, that's not what they are.    They are hymns of hope and light, hymns of encouragement, hymns of peace.

"Lead, Kindly Light" is one of my favorite texts and melodies. This arrangement by Mack Wilberg lets us hear the Light (yes, with a capital letter) that is in this song.  You can read the full text here.



Eliza R. Snow's beautiful poem "Though Deepening Trials" does speak of trials, ills, and tribulations, but it also proclaims, "press on, press on"and "lift up your hearts" and "ye shall have peace".  Seven verses are printed in the LDS hymnbook.



"Each Life that Touches Ours for Good" is a lovely hymn that is very appropriate when dealing with the loss of someone you love.  I think that message is bigger than one of comfort.  I think it is a reminder of how God works through his people.  The song is also a challenge to be one of those people that touches other lives.  It doesn't have to be big.  I can be as simple as a smile.

More Winter Beauty

The Facebook page of Dancing Tree Spirits has been sharing stunning pictures of winter nature scenes.  Check them out here.

All the beauty of winter, and I don't have to get cold to enjoy it!

Blessed Are the Peacemakers. I Hope.

I have a gift.  It really is a gift even though for most of my life, it has caused me a lot of pain.  I've decided that instead of letting it keep hurting me, I need to embrace it and use it for good.

The news and Facebook and Twitter tell me that there aren't many people like me left in the world.  I'm really hoping that is not true.  Because what the world really needs now is more people like me, or maybe just for those of us that have suffered with this gift to step up and reach out.

I have the unique gift to be able to see and understand both sides of any argument.  Seriously. Test me. Maybe it should have been obvious when in Jr. High I chose to do a paper on Hitler.  I am in no way condoning any of the atrocities he committed, and genocide is about as far as you can get from my philosophy of love and compassion for all.  But...I also saw a man that had been deeply hurt. Does it excuse his actions?  Absolutely not. However, I did feel his pain.  I felt the pain of a nation that had been beaten.  I saw how easy it would have been to follow this leader, one who actually did a few good things and was determined to make his country a world power again after the loss of World War I had crushed them.

My gift has caused a lot of pain and anxiety in my life.  Election season alone nearly did me in.  In the past two weeks, two other events have shaken my Facebook world.  I'm purposely being vague here, because I don't want people searching for these topics and finding my blog and leaving nasty comments.  (I'll probably get enough of those from my paragraph on Hitler.)

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago,  a church launched a new website about a certain minority group.  I felt that it was a step in the right direction.  A small step, but a very good thing.  But some of my friends didn't see it that way.  And I get it.  They were very hurt by the policies and cultural practices of the church during the 70's, 80's, and 90's.  They see it as too little too late.

Then, some lovely women I know created an event to open a dialogue about issues that concern them.  Whether or not this is the right way to start the dialogue, they put themselves out there, embraced the vulnerability that is necessary for true connection...and were viciously attacked.  Although some good conversations have grown out of it, there has also been a lot of hatred--name calling, threats of violence, even one documented death threat.  I just don't get this.  It is so completely foreign to me that I don't know how to deal with it.  This was my FB status a couple of days ago, and it was the only way I knew to address all my feelings of frustration from the last several months.

I'm grateful that I have friends that are so passionate about what they think and believe. I just sometimes wish that some of them could take a little more time to discuss the issues and try to understand the other side rather than just condemning them or resorting to name calling and threats of violence. The fact that you have not experienced something does not mean that no one has ever had to deal with it. The fact that you haven't felt it doesn't mean that no one else feels that way. Empathy and love, people. That's all I'm asking.

Today, I have a new plan, well at least the beginning of a new plan.  People are yelling so loudly that they are not listening.  People are so afraid of being hurt or losing something that is important to them that they can't see or feel what the other side sees and feels.  I refuse to continue to sit quietly watching people I care about destroy each other.  It's time to be a bridge.  It's time to be a peacemaker.  It's time to listen.  It's time to help others see what I have seen.  

I love this post from Shannon Hale.  You should also check out the other post she references.

Finally, watch this video.  Then really think about it.

COLD

Tuesday I wrote about darkness.  Today, I'll write about why cold gets a bad rap.  And it's not just the temperature.  As a culture, we've chosen to call a respiratory infection a cold.  When a disease gets named after you, you are either brilliant or hated, or maybe a little of both.

When I reference my favorite book on the planet, I see almost an entire column dedicated to synonyms of the word cold.  And four of the other lines in that column are for cold-blooded (which continues on the next page.)  We seriously have a lot of words to use when we talk about cold.  How many of them do not automatically have a negative connotation?  Not many for me.  Most speak of misery, death, anti-social tendencies, and boredom.  But does cold have to be bad?

Cold preserves.  Think about what refrigeration does.  It allows us to keep foods for longer than would be safe if we left them out at room temperature.  Cold slows the growth of organisms that can be harmful to us.

Cold reduces inflammation, soothing injuries.

OK, I'm out of good things about cold.  And I need to buy more sweaters.  Is it summer yet?

Happy Birthday to Me

It's my birthday, but other than lunch with my co-workers, I'm not really doing anything special.  It's the story of my life.  My birthday is often on a day when I have several other things to do.  During the 40,000 years I spent in college (undergrad and grad school), it always seemed to fall during finals week.  Today I taught 13 voice lessons, took care of some business stuff, and I'm going to the musical that my high school students are in.  I was supposed to go Sunday, but that performance was cancelled due to snow.  So here I am.  14ish hours at school on my birthday isn't so bad.  On the plus side, I did take a tai chi break today and practiced the form for the class I'm subbing for on Saturday.  Yes, it's work, but it is a different kind of work and helps me focus and relax, so it was wonderful.

Tomorrow is a light day (all I have to do is get the car fixed, write a convention session proposal, pay my taxes, teach one lesson, clean my house, and get a massage), so maybe I can fit in some fun birthday celebration then.

I'm tired and rambling.  Signing off now.

Winter Beauty

Winter isn't all bad.  I couldn't have seen this in the summer.

Or this.

And there is nothing quite like the pastel pinks and oranges of a winter sunrise against the soft blue of the sky.  Sorry.  No pictures of that.

Tai Chi and Lieder

This definitely counts as a "not quite what you'd expect" moment.  

Last night I forgot to take my CD player to tai chi class.  Not a big deal.  I had my computer with me and I had a Deuter album on iTunes that I really like to listen to while doing tai chi.  You can listen to samples from each of the tracks with the link to amazon, or you can get an idea of what the whole thing is like from this. 

So, I got to class, turned on the computer, started the music, and then greeted the students as they arrived.  Class went very well, and we were just getting ready for one final run through of the form, when suddenly the Deuter was over, replaced by another German.   

I've been sharing tai chi principles and even some of the forms with my voice students.  It's actually been quite helpful.  I just never expected to share Dietrich Fischer-Diskau with my tai chi students.  

The Darkness of Winter

What is it about the human mind that makes us think that if opposites exist, then one must be good and one must be bad?  What makes us think that opposites are really all that opposite?

As part of my "learn to love December and winter" plan, I've been thinking about darkness.  Why do I assume darkness is bad?  Darkness can be good.  Darkness can focus our attention on where the light is.  Why do you think they dim the house lights in a theatre or concert hall?

Darkness can make us pay more attention to our other senses.  In the dark, you rely much more on touch or sound than you might if you had the sense of sight available.  Does darkness scare us because it can hide the unknown?  It shouldn't.  It only hides from us what we would normally see.  There are other ways of knowing.

The darkness of winter brings a time of rest, a time of introspection.  I recently read that darkness is not the absence of light, but the absorption of it, meaning that the darkness gives me a chance to explore that light deep inside of myself.  I can nurture that light until it is once again ready to reveal itself.

I still rejoice in a day of sunshine, but I'm learning to see the beauty, value, and inspiration of the darkness.

Snow

Today we had the first major snow storm of the season.  In the morning, I thought it was lovely.  As we got closer to noon, I started worrying about getting to the school for the 2PM performance.  I like snow, just not on the roads, in my driveway, and on the places I need to walk.  As I thought about snow and winter, and my goal to find something good about it daily, I found this article that compares snow to knowledge from God.  Do I get picky too picky about when and where I want to receive my knowledge?  Do I only want it at times and places that are convenient for me, or am I open to that gift whenever it shows up?

Attitude Adjustment

I hate December.  To be fair, some years are better than others, but so far, this is not one of them.  Winter is not my season.  It's cold.  It's dark.  It's slippery.  I drink gallons of water, but my skin still dries out.  I use super-duper-heavy-duty-can't-get-any-stronger cream, but my heels and finger tips crack.  I put on lip balm and lotion at least once an hour.  I become the queen of static.  I fry the display on the thermostat when I forget and touch it before I touch some metal to get rid of the shock.  

There are too many things to do in December.  Parties.  Shows.  Recitals.  Concerts.  College recommendation letters.  College audition recordings.  Shopping for Christmas presents.  Planning for January events.  Basically, I just want to crawl in bed between my flannel sheets and under my four heavy blankets,  and just stay there until Spring.

I've decided that I don't want to hate December or winter anymore, so every day, I am going to find something to like, or something that brings me a little inspiration or peace.  Plus, I'm going to post about it.  My updates may show up here, or on Facebook, or on one of my other blogs, but I'm committing to changing my attitude, at least for a few minutes a day.  I can do this.

Today, I shared the FB post of an author I adore, Anne Lamott.

Vulnerability

I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately.

I teach about vulnerability in voice lessons.  Singing is about taking chances.   Kids have issues with performing sometimes because singing is so intimate.  I'm not saying that playing for a piano or flute recital won't scare you, but if you make a mistake while playing an instrument, you can always blame it on the instrument.  "This piano is stiffer than the one I'm used to playing on" or "The key stuck".  At the very least, you have an instrument to hide behind.  But not with singing.  It's you on that stage with nothing between you and the audience.  Even if there is an problem with instrument (your voice), it is still part of you, and therefore YOU had a problem.  And in our current world, particularly in the arts, anything less than perfection is failure.

Vulnerability is essential to singing. Singing, real singing, is about baring your soul for the world to see. It's trusting them to see the beauty through the flaws.  It's trusting them to know that sometime the beauty is the flaw.  It's trusting yourself enough to let the beauty created by the poets and composers carry the performance, and not getting caught up in what the listeners think about you.

A few weeks ago, a friend made a reference to these videos in a Facebook conversation.  I've done quite a bit of reading about vulnerability and shame, so I thought, "That's nice.  I'll come back to that later."  After multiple friends shared these videos, I decided that maybe the universe was trying to tell me something.  One watching was not enough.  Next time, I'm sitting down with a paper and pencil and taking notes.  Yes, the videos are that good.  





My third recent encounter with vulnerability was reading the book The God Who Weeps.  In a few days, my book review will be up on my new book blog.  One chapter is specifically about God's vulnerability.  God feels our pain and sorrows and frustrations.  God chooses to love us, and because of that love he opens himself to sympathy and empathy, and weeps with us.

When I was a child, I was taught that we could become as God.  If we lived this life well, we would eventually become gods and goddesses ourselves.  To be honest, this has always bothered me.  My heart weeps for this world, and this world is not my creation and these people are not my spirit children.    I invest a lot in my students and it is hard for me to see them struggle.  I don't really want to watch billions of my children hate and kill each other.  I just don't think I could live with that kind of vulnerability.  I think I would have to be a god like so many people today have decided that our God is:  one who sets things in motion, but then turns his back, unwilling or perhaps unable to do anything about it.  I would have to separate myself to prevent the pain.

I am extremely empathic and sympathetic.  I've built walls, not just to protect the core of me from the outside world, but to protect me from being overwhelmed by the pain and suffering.  Over the last several year, I have become much more open to letting the world see the real me.  On that level, I think I'm getting good at vulnerability.  The walls that protect me from the pain and suffering of the world aren't solid brick.  They have doors and windows that I can open to let it in at the small doses I can handle.  At this point, I don't know if I am supposed to be learning to open the doors and windows wider and more often, or if I am supposed to take down the wall completely.  What I do know is that love and connection can't get in or out through the brick walls.  Moving through the open windows and doors (and maybe even taking down the wall) is the only way that compassion can work.  And I believe in empathy and compassion, so maybe it's time to explore more vulnerability.

A Change in the Pattern

Several months ago I wrote this post about what had become a pattern in my life--I push myself too hard and then my body rebels as its only option for getting what it needs.  A new pattern is beginning to emerge.  My body decided that it doesn't need to sacrifice itself any longer.  It has recruited all things electrical and electronic to get me to take care of myself.

First, my car battery died--four times.  As I waited for someone to come jump start the car and as I sat at the shop waiting to see what was wrong with it, I had some wonderful opportunities.  I saw snow softly falling and then the sun coming out at its brightest.  I felt the sun against my skin as I did tai chi and qigong in my driveway.  I read a wonderfully inspirational book as I sat at the car shop. And I took time to breath and enjoy the every day beauty around me.

Second, my phone freaked out and totally froze up.  I didn't have time to fix it right away, so I just let people know to email or message me on FB instead of calling or sending texts.  Unplugging from my phone for a couple of days was wonderful.  I did get it fixed, but I value the time that I had for other things because I wasn't constantly checking my phone.

Third, my smoke alarm/CO detector keeps beeping at 30 second intervals to tell me that there is a malfunction.  No, it's not telling me there is a problem, it's telling me that it isn't working well.  Maintenance was out and did something to it on Saturday, so I'm hoping I won't have the weekly beeping anymore.  Seriously, 3 weeks in a row(the events were almost exactly a week apart) the thing would beep and I would go take it down, take out the battery, put the battery back in, and put the thing back up. I was just about to say that this was the one electric/electronic event of the last few weeks that I couldn't see a benefit to, but then I remembered that one time while I was there, I got to meet my neighbor.  My furnace room is actually under my stairs and accessed through a door right by the door to his apartment.  I've seen him before and probably waved a time or two, but we hadn't really met.  So it was nice to meet and have a short chat with him.

Fourth,  my internet has been so slow and temperamental.  I think it's probably an internet provider issue, rather than really one of these energy related events, but whatever the cause, it gave me a chance to do a little reading while I waited for things to load.

I'm happy that my body no longer feels it necessary to remind me to slow down.  Now I just have to start listening the first time energy fields/electronics tell me there is an issue.

Perfect Authentic Cadences, Closing Movements, and Life

I'm the kind of person that takes extreme satisfaction in finishing something.  And I hate to begin if I won't be able to find a satisfying resolution.

When I'm working on a new song, I like to start at the end and work backwards so that I can always feel like I have a strong ending.  And if the song ends with a Perfect Authentic Cadence, life is even better.  Admit it, nothing feels as good as ending (a song or a practice session) on a strong V I with the tonic in the highest voice.  OK, maybe it's just me.

I had a little epiphany this morning as I was driving to work.  Last Monday we started a new group of students in the Sun 41 class that I am the teaching assistant for.  We spend about a third or half of class doing exercises that serve both as warm-ups and instruction in the principles of tai chi.  They we teach a new section and polish and refine what we know.  After working the new group through the first few movements, the teacher showed them closing movement (which is really easy to do) and said that wherever you stop while doing the form you can add this to end it.  And this morning, I thought of how I need to find a closing movement that allows me to let go and do something else in real life even if I haven't finished the form or found my PAC.

As an all-or-nothing personality,  I've had to work very hard to do things in little chunks.  Right now, with my health issues and my schedule, I have to be able to do a little at a time and be satisfied with that.  There is no other option.  But it is so hard.  It's hard not to beat myself up when I can't finish a project right away.  And it's hard to listen to my body when it says it's had enough, but my brain wants to keep going.  So, I'm now on a search for a form of PAC or closing movement to use in everyday life.    Maybe I'll just start with singing a nice Sol Do or doing the actual Sun closing movement.

Homing

I'm in a book group that is currently reading Clarissa Pinkola Estés amazing book, Women Who Run with Wolves:  Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype.  Chapter 9, "Homing:  Returning to Oneself" is my favorite chapter so far.  Maybe because this chapter itself felt so much like coming home.  It was a new way of looking at the old and familiar, and it was a much needed reminder.

Estés begins each chapter with a myth, fairy tale, or story and then takes it apart, exploring the deeper meanings that it holds.  I knew I would love this chapter because it begins with selkies, and I have had a fascination with those stories for years.

(While searching for a free picture of a selkie that I could add to this blog, I found this beautiful digital painting by Elizabeth Sherry.  To me, it perfectly captures the longing for home, the sea.)

(Here is a stunning picture I found of a seal.  Now I really need to quit looking for something free I can put here and just write.)

In her introduction to her literary version of the story, Estés says,

"The story tells about where we truly come from, what we are made of, and how we must all, on a regular basis, use our instincts to find our way back home."

Estés gives examples of how we lose our pelts.

"The soul-skin vanishes when we fail to pay attention to what we are really doing, and particularly its cost to us."  (page 286)
"The issue is not about these energic cash withdrawals themselves, for these are an important part of life's give and take.  But it is being overdrawn that causes the loss of the skin, and the paling and dulling of one's most acute instincts.  It is lack of further deposits of energy, knowledge, acknowledgment, ideas, and excitement that causes a woman to feel she is psychically dying. (page 288).

We lose our pelts when we give continually, but have no season of replenishment.  We lose our pelts when we do what we think we should do rather than trusting the voice within in us telling us what we need to do.  We lose our pelts when we hold back instead of taking the steps that will move use forward.  We lose our pelts when we isolate ourselves from our soul-selves.

"So, in a hunger for soul, our own ego-self steals the pelt." (page293)

I love her discussion of the ego and the soul-world.  It is too long to copy here, but read through pages 291-293.  It made me wonder if perhaps her description of this struggle between ego and soul is what Mormons mean when they talk about the natural man.  This makes much more sense to me than how I have previously interpreted that scripture.

On page 306, Estés lists numerous ways we can return home, recharge.  In church, we may talk of filling our lamps.  I really think we are talking about the same things here, just using different terminology.  What is home?  It's not just what happens after we endure all the mess of this life.  It is a place that we can go to here and now to give use strength for what happens in this life.

"Home is a sustained mood or sense that allows us to experience feelings not necessarily sustained in the mundane world:  wonder, vision, peace, freedom from worry, freedom from demands, freedom from constant clacking."

Some of us may need to return home more often, or stay longer in order to cope with our daily lives.  And by daily, intentional return to home, we also bring a little of that world back with us.

Like the selkie kept from the sea for seven years, if I do not feed my soul by returning to my home, I too will become weak, crippled, and blind.

Discussion questions:

In what ways do you lose your pelt?

What is the voice that calls you back to the sea?

How do you return home?


My answers:
The most common way I lose my pelt is by trying to live according to other people's ideas of what I should do.  Too often, I stay too long on the land because that is what other people expect of me.

I don't listen very well, so often I miss those gentle calls in the night asking me to return to the sea.  Instead, I don't often go to the sea until an illness or injury drags me there.

I know where home is.  I know how to get there.  Beauty (nature, art, music), simplicity, reading, writing, and quiet are the keys for me.  A nature walk, or closing my eyes to listen to the sound of a favorite song, or listening to my own breathing can take me there.  I'm one of those people that has to go home often, which means I need to make more time both for the long spa day approach and for the quick little escapes.

Options

Sometimes when it seems that nothing else could possibly go wrong, you have little ah-ha! moments.  Last week, I spent one evening in Urgent Care getting a leg injury from the week before checked out.  The next day, I day I developed laryngitis, and by the day after that I had no voice at all.  I had lots of reasons to be down and depressed, but I wasn't.  I'll admit I was slightly concerned, but my worries led down a different path this time.

Anytime a singer or voice teacher loses her voice, there is cause for concern.  And the suddenness of the onset had me worried a little, but I was pretty sure I knew what had happened, and a quick call to the doctor's office confirmed it.  The asthma meds I was taking because of the cold I had at the beginning of the month had caused the laryngitis.  One more drug to add to the list of things that I can't take.  After discontinuing the use of that medication, my voice started to come back and although it's not at 100% yet, I'm sure it soon will be.

But in those moments when my brain was asking, "What if it never comes back?" I didn't have my usual response.  I am a voice teacher.  That's what I do.  It's who I am.  It's what I spent years training for.  If I can't teach, basically the only other things I am qualified for are minimum wage jobs.  And in the past, that fear of not being able to teach and sing has sometimes been overwhelming.  But this time, it was different.  Singing and teaching are things I love, but they are not all of me.  It is not my entire identity.  And there are other career options that I could see myself re-training for.

The world is a lot less scary when you don't feel trapped.  Possibilities and options give hope through the tough times, and I'm so glad I could see them this time.

The good news is that I can still teach and I can still sing.  The good news is that I now also know that even if I couldn't do those things, I would still be OK and other doors would open for me.  AB told me that years ago.  I believed him.  I saw it in his life.  But now I know it is true in mine.  I wish I could call him and tell him that I finally get it.

The pattern

I wrote most of this post a few days ago, but didn't actually get around to posting it.  And now I know why.  Because there was another part of the pattern that I hadn't included, and I didn't realize it was part of the pattern until today.  My body has one other thing it does to get my attention--I trip and/or fall causing injuries that slow me down.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Here is the original post:

The pattern

I've been through this cycle enough times to know exactly how it will go, so why do I keep getting caught in it? First, I get a little stressed because I have overcommitted myself.  My body gives me a gentle warning to back off.  Sometimes it comes in the form of more pain and tension.  Sometimes the warning is fatigue.  Sometimes it is brain fog.  

When I don't listen and I don't slow down, my body starts creating combinations of brain fog, pain, and fatigue, hoping to get me to rest.  But, my life is intense, and I don't always listen.  Plus I've always had that personality that can keep pushing through a difficult situation.  I'm determined (or as some people may say, stubborn).  I don't give up easily.  And neither does my body.  

When the gentle, and not so gentle reminders are ignored, my body does the only thing left in it's arsenal.  It declares, "If you don't choose to rest, I will force you to rest."  Then it sends my immune system on vacation and leaves my open to whatever virus is most prominent at the time.  If I'm lucky, it's just a cold, and I can cut back on activities to get some needed rest and recuperation, but I can still get through work.  If I've really annoyed my body, it opens the door to things that involve vomiting, diarrhea, and general body aches that you know won't kill you, but you wish they would.  Then I just have to stay in bed until it's all over and my body decides to forgive me.  

So if I know about this pattern, why do I keep letting it happen?  

I'm starting to learn that I can't really do everything I think I can.  I'm fully capable of doing any of the projects I'm involved in, but I just don't have the energy to do all of them.  So I've decided to back off.  People say that you shouldn't make major life decisions when you are going through a rough time. But I believe that that is when you make the most honest decisions.  When I am in a great mood and have lots of energy, I think I am capable of conquering the world.  But really, I live more of my time in the sick/tired mode, so it makes sense to set up my life for what I can accomplish on my worst days.  

So starting today, I am breaking my pattern.  I'm lightening my load.  And I'm committing to slow down whenever I get the early warning signs, rather than waiting until I am so far gone that I have to stay in bed.  I'm also committing to better energy management, using the energy I have wisely, and taking the time to recharge.  

Simple Goals

It's been one of those weeks.  You know, the ones where you can only deal with the next crisis and you don't have the time or energy to deal with planning anything beyond that.  I've stopped for take out or stopped at a grocery store every night this week.  Why?  Because I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I just get food for dinner and something to take for lunch the next day.  Before I go to bed, I check to see if I have a towel for morning and clean clothes to put on in the morning.  If I don't have anything, I throw a load in the washer and put the stuff in the dryer when I get up in the morning.

It works.  Sort of.  It definitely qualifies as Barely Sufficient (my new strategy for not doing more than my body can handle.)  But I can't live like this for forever, so here are my goals for next week.

Buy 2 dinners and 2 lunches with each take out or grocery store trip.

Wash 2 days worth of clothes (instead of whatever I will wear the next day and whatever else is in the hamper and similarly colored).

I can handle that.  Right?  Sure I can.  And if not, there are only a few more weeks of this craziness before I start my summer schedule and try to resume normal human life.

Song

Peace.  

Calm.  

Unity.  

Presence.  

Power.  

This is where I belong. 

These people are my family.  

I am safe.  

I would stay forever if I could.  

The pain, stress, and frustration of the outside world cannot touch me here in this warm cocoon.  

I breathe in life.  

I exhale love. 

I am light.  

I am One.  

I am All.  

This is my Home.  

Making It My Own

A few weeks ago, I had an online conversation with some people regarding the LDS Young Women Theme.  This theme is recited weekly by the girls (ages 12-18) and as you can see in the link, corresponds with the Personal Progress program where the girls set goals and do projects to help them learn about each of the values.  The conversation we had began as one women posted the theme, with her personal commentary of what she felt the girls are hearing too often regarding these values.  It was negative, but in many ways truthful.  I am at a point in my life where I am trying to find ways to reframe things that seem harmful, to see the beauty and truth and let go of the rest.  So, I sat down and wrote my own commentary and did my own editing of the YW Theme.  

This is not the exact version I posted in that conversation, but it is a version that I think my friends and family are ready to hear.  This is in no way intended as criticism of the woman who started the conversation (by the way, she liked my version), nor is it intended as a criticism of the Church or people who view things differently than I do.  I don't expect you to agree with me.  This is simply who am I right now, where I am right now, and where I want to go.  (Please see the link above to compare the theme with my version.)

I AM A DAUGHTER of my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, who love me, and I love Them. 

I WILL “STAND as a witness of God (I can have a personal relationship with Deity, and that relationship may be separate from my relationship to the Church) at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9) (By showing Christlike love in my everyday life, in everything I do, in every choice I make, I am a witness of God) as I strive to live the Young Women values, which are:

• Faith (I choose to believe that my Heavenly Parents love me and because I know that, I know that things can change and that things can get better.)
• Divine Nature (As a daughter of God, I have unlimited potential. )
• Individual Worth (Who I am right now is good enough.  Yes, there is always room for improvement, but my Heavenly Parents and I love me as I am at this moment, warts and all.)
• Knowledge (My constant quest for learning is not just a quirky personality trait.  This is what my Heavenly Parents want for me.  They want me to learn and know everything, and more importantly to know how to apply that factual knowledge.) 
• Choice and Accountability (It is my job and responsibility to  gather evidence, listen to guidance, study the possibilities, and make the choices that are best for me at this point in my life, even if it it contradicts the wishes of my church leaders or family.  Because I take personal responsibility for my choices, I can also take personal responsibility for the results of those choices.  I can embrace my mistakes and learn from them.)
• Good Works (I can choose to reach out to those around me that need assistance and love.  It is also my responsibility to choose to do this in ways that do not cause harm to me.  If my cup is empty, I cannot give to others, so good works begins with taking care of my own physical, spiritual and emotional needs.)
• Integrity (I am striving to create a unified whole with my life.  My actions align with my beliefs.  I am OK with showing who I really am, even if it is not who others want me to be. ) 
•  and Virtue (I can choose to hold myself to high standards.  I can live a life of honor, a life that is moral and ethical.)

I BELIEVE as I come to accept and act upon these values, I WILL (live a more Christ-like life that benefits not just myself, but those around me as well), BE PREPARED to strengthen home and family (make the choices that are right for my family and our unique circumstances), and  make and keep sacred covenants (promises made between me and my Heavenly Parents.)

The Power of Hymns

I'm reading Anne Lamott's Grace (Eventually) and found this wonderful line:

No matter that you may sing poorly, and fumble around with the hymnal, and sing the wrong words, the hymn expands to make room for all the voices, even yours.  

What a beautiful message, and I believe it is true.  I'm also a firm believer in the fact that music can open us to new ideas, and a new approach to old music can open windows of revelation.

Several years ago, I was listening to LDS General Conference online and heard them announce that the choir would sing, "Come Let us Anew".  A little part of me groaned.  I've always hated that song.  But the arrangement by Mack Wilberg made me listen in a new way, and by the end of the song, I felt as if I had been hearing it, really hearing it, for the first time.  It has now become one of my favorites.

I had a similar experience this year with "You Can Make the Pathway Bright".  I've always found it to be a little cheesy, but this time around it spoke to me.


A year or so ago, I had a beautiful dream that brought new meaning to an old hymn.  I've never been a huge fan of "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd", but the context from the dream changed everything for me.  It was no longer just a song about going out and bringing those sinners back, it became a song that truly helped me to understand the love that God has for each of us.  It became for me a song about reaching out to people as children of God, seeing them and treating them as God would, not judging them and calling them to repentance.  Today in church, this was supposed to be the intermediate hymn, but we had a special musical number instead.  The music was good, but part of me was disappointed that I didn't get to sing this hymn.


Our closing hymn today was "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go", which I've always heard as a big missionary song, or a "do what you are told" kind of thing.  But today I heard something different.  I could really say the words "I'll go where you want me to go", because now, for me, it means being open to the experiences that God wants me to have.  And it's not about someone else telling me what to do, but about me making personal choices based on personal revelation.


A hymn, like the Gospel itself, can "make room for all the voices".  And there is room in each hymn for each person to find what they need to hear, if they listen and sing with not just their voices, but their hearts as well.

Advertising on Vehicles

I've seen lots of advertisements on cars, trucks, and vans. Sometimes it's just the name of a company. Sometimes it's more--a slogan, or a motto. Either way, I do think it is good advertising. When given a choice, people tend to go with what they are familiar with, even when that familiarity is just seen a sign on the side of a bus several times a week.

But sometimes your vehicle says things that maybe you don't want it to. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I pulled to the stoplight behind and to the side of a vehicle that belonged to a home cleaning service. I always check those out because I dream of someday being able to afford to have someone else take care of my messy house. But, I quickly decided that I didn't need to add that company to my mental list. Why? Because the outside of the car was filthy. Now in all fairness, this is Minnesota in the winter and lots of yuck and crud gets kicked up on to the car from the road. My own dark green car looks awful. But, I'm not advertising for a cleaning company every time I drive my car. The color and condition of your vehicle does say something about your company. It's a lot like how I hate calling a new student to set up a lesson if I'm a little hoarse. The condition of my voice says something about my business.

Today, I read the back of a truck while we were stopped at a light, and because of what I read, I made a point of looking at the rest of the trailer and cab for company names. Here's what it said.

If it's...Honest.

If it's...Ethical.

If it's...Legal.

If it's...Moral.

That's our direction.

Love it! And what a nice reminder to the world, even if the people that see it are not your potential customers.

When the Ideal Isn't Reality

There is a lot talk these days, especially with the current political climate, about how things "should" be. The ideal is certainly something that we want to be working towards, but we also need the skills (and programs, support, money, laws, etc.) to deal with the reality of what is.

I worked with a wonderful voice teacher that taught me how to make intelligent choices about where and where not to breathe in a song. In a perfect situation, the composer has aligned text phrases with musical phrases that aren't too long to perform in one breath. In reality, what a poet has to say in one phrase of text may extend through two, three, or even four musical phrases. Or the musical phrase and the text phrase may match up, but be impossibly long for the singer. Or the musical and text phrases may not line up at all.

Even when you have that perfect musical/text match-up that works well within what the singer can do in one breath, problems can arise. I was sick for nearly a month before my last performance. My asthma means that breathing for singing is the last thing to return to normal. And being nervous will also change how your body uses the air, so you may have many "surprise" deviations from the breathing plan during a performance.

If we only teach a student where the ideal breathing spots are, we leave them vulnerable when they go into a situation similar to that last performance of mine. But I did just fine. And you know why? Because the same teacher that taught me how to make the best possible choice for a place to breath also taught me how to cope when that is just plain not going to happen. I think we do a disservice to our students when we only prepare them for the ideal and don't teach them how to deal with the less than ideal.

I believe that too many kids have sex way too early. I'm OK with abstinence being the ideal. But for many people it is not the reality. If all we teach is abstinence, we leave these kids vulnerable to pregnancy, disease, and heartbreak. I am a huge supporter of sex-education, ideally in the home, but since that is not a reality for a lot of people, it does need to be available elsewhere. For years I've toyed with the idea of selling condoms to parents to give to their kids when they have that talk. For the Mormons, the condom itself would say "CTR", Choose the Right, a phrase the kids have heard since childhood. We could do "WWJD" for our Evangelical Christian friends. The parents can say, "I think you should wait because (fill in the blank with your religious/moral view), but if you do have sex, please be safe." Then the kid carries it in a purse or wallet and has one final reminder from Mom/Dad/God before they make that big decision. It may encourage them to wait. Or it may just mean that they come home not pregnant and disease free. Are people really willing to sacrifice the lives of so many because ideally you shouldn't have sex until married, so we're not even going to talk about it and how to help the people that are having pre-marital sex?

Now that half of the people quit reading because they were offended, I'll continue on with one more example and this one is far less controversial.

I certified this weekend to teach Tai Chi. We spent a lot of time working on refining our own performance of the form and talking about how to work with the elderly and people with diseases and disabilities. We learned to model the form for our students, showing them the way it should be. We also learned that safety and comfort are more important than doing the movements the "right" way. We learned the ABC's of Tai Chi: Always Be Comfortable. We can help students adapt the form to make it more comfortable for their current physical condition. In the perfect world, we would all be thin, with joints and muscles that functioned properly, and brains that enabled clear thinking and memory. But if I only teach to that ideal, the people that need Tai Chi the most won't be able to do it. Heck, I wouldn't be able to do it.

One of the most beautiful things mentioned in the Tai Chi training was that Tai Chi is an internal art, not an external one. If we get caught up in the choreography we miss the real benefits. What the body does on the outside is a way of enabling the internal, but the mind is a powerful thing. If all a student can do is think about moving their hand, they still benefit.

I'm not opposed to teaching the ideal. In fact, I think it is important. We need to know where we want to go, what we want to achieve. But we also need to deal with the realities of the here and now. And failure to talk about that reality and find ways to cope with it leaves a lot of people in the dark, alone and afraid.

Weak Things Made Strong

I stayed home from church today to get some rest after my long week. But God, the Universe, and my own brain decided that I needed a little inspiration anyway. At a moment I least expected it, I thought these words, "I am willing to bear this burden if my doing so opens the door for other people to find what they need." I don't want to go into all the details of which burden I was considering. It's not important here. And even though the words in print look a little co-dependent, that was not the feeling at all. It was pure love.

Then I thought of two scriptures. The first is in Ether 12:27 in the Book of Mormon.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

I have always read that as meaning that if we become humble and teachable (and in this case, willing to trust in the Lord) we can overcome, even excel at the weak things in our lives. Perhaps that was the meaning Ether intended, but it made me think of Paul's words to the Corinthians. (For those of you that are not religious, simply substitute "Love" when it says "Christ". For the religious among you that think that is sacrilege, Christ is love, and love is the power through which all God does is accomplished.)

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My ^agrace is sufficient for thee: for my^bstrength is made perfect in ^cweakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may ^drest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in ^ainfirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in ^bpersecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am ^cweak, then am I ^dstrong.

I'm not sure that I'm at the stage of glorying in my infirmities, or taking pleasure in them, but sometimes I am thankful for them. The difficult things I've been through give me unique insights into the struggles of others. I am in a position to make a difference in a way that people who have not had my challenges cannot. My weakness actually gives me an edge.

I am strong because I am weak.