What Being a Liberal Mormon Means to Me

Last week, a firestorm erupted when Meridian Magazine published an article by Joni Hilton titled, "Are You a Liberal Mormon?"  Meridian Magazine has taken down the article and published an apology, but you can still read it (and commentary from John Dehlin) here. When I first posted the original link and my response, I expected a lot of fallout from my friends.  What I got instead was agreement, support, and intelligent comments and questions.

One question that arose is how do we define liberal Mormon.  I've had to think about this a lot, for several reasons.  First, although I do lean to the liberal side of things politically, I didn't want this to be about politics.  My liberal views are not just political ideology, they are part of what makes me who I am.  I can't separate the Mormon me from the liberal me.  More about the liberal stuff later.

Second, as I acknowledged in a few conversations about this, labels can be problematic.  They do set us apart from something, and I was having trouble finding ways to articulate my views about being a liberal Mormon without comparing them to something else.  (You still might get a little of this).

Third, the label of liberal is much easier for me to claim and share with the world than is the label of Mormon.  I have many dear friends who have been hurt deeply by Mormons and Mormon culture.  (Please note that I am referring specifically to people and practices, which by their nature will be flawed.  The true gospel is not.)  Claiming the label of Mormon is also difficult for me because it is a culture in which I do not feel like I belong. Because so much of what I think, feel, and do varies from "normal," "orthodox," or even "conservative" Mormonism, I am not sure that I have the right to claim this label.  But since I'm still connected to the church, and my experiences with the church have shaped my life, for the purpose of this discussion, I am going to claim it.

Fourth, the more I thought about what liberal means to me, the more I realized that many of my conservative Mormon friends would probably feel that those core beliefs are theirs as well.  There is more that connects us than separates us, and we have to find that, lock in to it, and let that be the beauty that pulls us together, that creates a space where we live in unity and with compassion.

Finally, as upset as I was by Sis. Hilton's post, it opened the door for some magnificent conversations.
You can find wonderful responses to Sis. Hilton's article here, here, here, and here.  Please take the time to read them all.  They will give you much more context of this issue than you will find in my own comments here.

As I thought about how to best express my views on this topic, the idea came to me that maybe I'm not a liberal Mormon.  Maybe I'm a Star Trek Mormon.

There are always possibilities.  

One of the things that Mormons believe distinguished their church from others is the idea of continuing revelation.  In fact, the 9th Article of Faith states,

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

We don't know it all yet.  What we know now are the things that have been revealed based on the people's questions, and the ability to hear and implement the the answers.  I don't think that all revelation comes as an instant directive from God unrelated to the needs and wants of those it affects.  I believe that most revelation comes when we struggle with a concept, when we have questions.  It comes when we share those questions and feeling with the people that can make a difference and ask them to inquire as well.  And then, the vessel or vessels must be prepared to receive that information.  I think that we all (including the Quorum of the 12 and the First Presidency) receive revelation through the filter of our own life experiences and culture.  Unless and until our desire to know is greater than our desire to stay with what we have always done and always believed, we will not be completely open to the full message that God is trying to give us.  

I believe that God will yet reveal many things relating to 

• Women's roles and opportunities to serve within the church.  
• Who our Heavenly Mother is and why we have no contact with her.  
• The role of women in the next life.  
• How our homosexual brothers and sisters, and our single brothers and sisters fit into the plan of salvation (which right now only acknowledges the value of heterosexual couples.)  

I believe that very little doctrine is set in stone.  Mormon doctrine is fluid. The book "Mormon Doctine" by Bruce R. McConkie was once thought to be the be all and end all of discussions on doctrine, and now the church says that these are the opinions of one man.  While including many good things, it also includes things that the church as a whole no longer believes.  This article released by the church lays out the position fairly clearly.

By embracing Spock's logic of possibilities, I can live with the things that bother me, while still asking for more information about them.

The core of my liberal beliefs is that every person is a child of Heavenly Parents, and has divine potential.  I cannot and will not choose my friends or choose who I will love and serve by going through a check list of commandments, guidelines, and policies to see if they meet the basic minimum requirements.  I cannot condemn what I do not understand (and if I'm condemning it at all, then maybe I need to look a little deeper.)

In Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Khan, as Kirk speaks at Spock's funeral, he says probably the most profound and loving words possible.

Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most...Human.

I can't think of better words that I would like to have expressed at my own funeral.  I was flawed.  I felt things deeply.  But I loved enough to put it all on the line for the people I cared about and strangers I maybe hadn't even met.  That's all.  And that is what being a Liberal Mormon means to me.

Being a Liberal Mormon means acting in a way that I can say in all honesty,

I have been and always shall be your friend.  

So that's it from the Star Trek Mormon for today.

Live long and prosper.  

NaNoWriMo 2013??????

I'm trying to make up my mind about whether or not I can really do NaNoWriMo this year. If I decide I can, do I push for a win (50,000 words) or just be happy that I took the time to write anything?

Reasons that NaNoWriMo will be hard this year

1. I have full time job teaching voice lessons.  I enjoy them, but they require a lot of energy and mental focus.  
2. 4 hours of tai chi classes and a one hour qigong class every week.  Sometimes I'm the teacher, sometimes the teaching assistant, and sometimes, I get to just be a student.  
3. Working with my personal trainer twice a week.  
4. NATS Student Adjudications the first weekend of the month will suck up most of my writing time for that weekend.  
5. An extra qigong workshop on the second Saturday means that it is pretty much a tai chi/qigong day and I won't get much writing in.  
6. Third weekend of the month starts with a Thursday workshop I'm giving.  Then on Friday I've committed to  go to a student's performance.  Saturday is an update for my tai chi certification.  

Summary, my days and evenings during the week are already pretty full.  I usually write a lot on the weekends, but this year, I have more weekend commitments.  

Reasons I should do it anyway and things that may actually help me

1. Writing feeds my soul.  
2. I actually already have a vague idea about what I want to write.  World building and character development for the main characters is already done since I've already written about this world and characters before.  
3. I want to discover who Jenna becomes after the amazing, transformative experiences she was having when I wrote about her last.  
4. I learn through writing.  I figure things out through writing.  I process and understand through writing, and I have a lot to process and understand right now.  
5. No school November 8.  Extra writing time!
6. I don't work at all the last 4 days of the month.  With the exception of my workout, I can pretty much write non-stop.  I've done 10,000 word days before, so I could use these days to make up for all the other times I can't write.  

I guess the real question is, "How can I not take this time to write?"  I have to do this.  I don't know if I'll win (it won't be the end of the world if I don't) but I need to try.  

I just found this awesome quote that totally explains why:

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.
~Thomas Merton

This Introvert's Version of a Perfect Day Off

On Wednesday when I mentioned to someone that I was excited for the long weekend, he asked what my plans were.  I've had this conversation before, but the answer came more quickly and with more conviction this time.  And for the first time, I felt like I didn't have to justify it to anyone.  It is what I want and what I need.  How other people spend their free time is up to them.  My free time is mine.

I was excited for the weekend because for a period of about 37 hours, I would have no commitments to anyone else and nothing that had to be done at a certain time.  I sleep when I'm tired.  I eat when I'm hungry.  If I don't feel like getting dressed, I stay in my pajamas.  My life is not ruled by the clock and I can listen to what my body needs and wants.  I might go somewhere today, if I feel like it.  I might do some reading.  I might clean the house.

Right now, I'm blogging and enjoying the sunshine.

Finding Light and Hope: Elder Oaks tells us to stand for principles

Here's the latest installment of my series Finding Light and Hope where I share the things that I found beautiful about each of the talks from the October 2013 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

You can read Elder Oak's talk here, or watch below.



Here are my favorite parts:

• Our theology begins with heavenly parents, and our highest aspiration is to attain the fulness of eternal exaltation. 

• ...we are also conscious that God’s plan is for all of His children and that God loves all of His children, everywhere. The first chapter of the Book of Mormon declares that God’s “power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth” (1 Nephi 1:14). A later chapter declares that “he hath given [his salvation] free for all men” and that “all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden” (2 Nephi 26:27–28). Consequently, the scriptures teach that we are responsible to be compassionate and charitable (loving) toward all men

• A teaching of President Thomas S. Monson applies to this circumstance. At this conference 27 years ago, he boldly declared: “Let us have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval. Courage becomes a living and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully, but as the determination to live decently. A moral coward is one who is afraid to do what he thinks is right because others will disapprove or laugh. Remember that all men have their fears, but those who face their fears with dignity have courage as well."

Finding Light and Hope: President Uchtdorf's Invitation to All

This is the second in a series of posts about LDS General Conference.  You can read the first post here.

President Uchtdorf is always one of my favorite speakers.  The man radiates love.  You know he cares about people.  You can read the text of the talk here or watch below.



If I could only share one quote from this talk, it would be this one:

Brothers and sisters, dear friends, we need your unique talents and perspectives. The diversity of persons and peoples all around the globe is a strength of this Church.

Sometimes people both in and out of the church think that we all need to be exactly the same in order to find strength and unity.  The truth of the matter is that the strength comes from diversity.

Other favorite quotes:

In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restoredby a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves.5

Some struggle with unanswered questions about things that have been done or said in the past. We openly acknowledge that in nearly 200 yearsof Church history—along with an uninterrupted line of inspired, honorable, and divine events—there have been some things said and done that could cause people to question.

And, to be perfectly frank, there have been times when members or leaders in the Church have simply made mistakes. There may have been things said or done that were not in harmony with our values, principles,or doctrine.
I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes.

I Learn and Understand a Little Differently and That's OK

I am a person that succeeds very well in situations that require regurgitation of facts.  I can memorize lists.  I can diagram.  I can outline. I can plug numbers into a formula.  All that served me very well in my K-12 years that were mostly about getting the right answers on tests. Application of information and the ability to really understand it, connect with it, and grow from it is harder.  For many years, a belief that there was one right way for everything kept me banging me head against the wall. Everybody else was understanding and feeling something, so that must be the right way.  But I felt nothing.  If you're a fan of musical theatre, listen to this, which pretty much describes how I felt, not in acting classes like the song describes, but in church.  (Plus, Lea Salonga is awesome!) (Also, don't try to be too literal attaching everything in the song to what I'm talking about here.)



That "voice from down in the bottom of my soul" led me to the things that helped me to understand those things that intellectually were easy for me, but I had no connection to.

A few examples.

Trust and Surrender 

It's not uncommon to hear people talk about trusting the Lord or surrendering to his will.  We are taught to do what we can and the atonement will make up for the rest.  (More on the atonement later.) Trust and surrender are extremely difficult concepts for me.  You know where I finally understood and applied it?  Singing.  When I sing for church, I totally let go.  I've done what I can.  I just let the message work through me and trust that people will hear and feel what their souls need at that moment. Unfortunately, bringing into other areas of my life is harder, but at least I have a model now.  I know what I am working for.

Feeling the Spirit

I can't tell you how many church meetings I have been to where afterward people were talking about how strong the Spirit was in that meeting.  And I sat there thinking, "Really?  Where was I?"  Then a few years ago, I had an amazing experience and suddenly thought, "This is what they are talking about!"  But it wasn't at church.  It was at a World Tai Chi and Qigong Day celebration.  I was feeling love, and the incredible energy and presence of the people there.  Later, I wrote a poem, posted it on my blog,  and purposely left the situation that inspired it vague.  It could be about church, or it could be about singing (and sometimes does fit for me for singing), but it wasn't about either of those.  It was about that first day I felt it and feeling it again at other tai chi events.  

Mormons talk a lot about a "burning in the bosom" as a sign of the Holy Ghost testifying of a truth.  Driving home from an incredible qigong workshop, I was thinking about a comment the instructor had made about how at one point his qi had been so strong that it felt like it was burning.  I laughed out loud as I finally made the connection to the burning bosom thing.  Qi is energy, life force, and it is strongest when we are in harmony and at peace with ourselves and with all around us.  Isn't that truth?  Why can't feeling strong qi be the same thing as feeling the Spirit?  

Prayer

Let me take a moment to share some ways that prayer has been a problem for me.  First, all the formalities get in the way for me.  If this is supposed to be about building a relationship with Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, why does it have to be so formal?  Most people would answer that it is formal to show respect.  I get that, but for me the formalities put up a wall between me and God.  My need to do it the right way (because I always tried to do everything exactly as I was instructed) kept me from true, heart-felt prayer.  

Second, people say to imagine that you are talking to a friend on the phone.  Uh... No.  I hate the phone.  I much prefer to communicate in person or through writing.  

Third, my own messed up brain sometimes speaks louder than God.  When God calls you names that you can't print in a family friendly blog and follows that with, "Talk to me after you've done all the stuff your leaders already told you to do," you can be pretty sure that it isn't God speaking to you.  

So I've parted ways with the formulaic prayer--formal address, thank, ask, formal closing, listen--and I'm doing it my way.  And my spirituality is growing in leaps and bounds.  

One  solution--a meditation during a qigong class.  Seriously, these have been some of the most spiritual and the most powerful experiences of my life.  And it's all because of the words that our teacher chooses as she leads us through the mediation.  The funny thing is, I bought a video that my teacher's teacher produced, and when she gives instructions about the meditation, she actually uses the word "prayer" and I totally disconnect.  It is not anywhere near as beautiful an experience as when my teacher leads us through the Kwan Yin Closing.  In Chinese folklore, Kwan Yin is the goddess of compassion.  No, you don't need to panic.  I'm not praying to another god.  But I love the stories of Kwan Yin and what she represents.   And this movement/meditation carries her name.  It takes about 3-5 minutes, but could be longer or shorter depending on need.  Except for the voice of the teacher, it is all silent.  

These are the parts of the Kwan Yin Closing that have taught me about prayer.   

I love thanking the people that have helped me on my healing journey. Taking that moment to reflect on where I am and who helped me get here is very powerful.  (Yes, I know I've used that word about 5,000 times in this post, but it is the word that fits the best.)  There are a few people and certain event that come to mind every time I do this, but often, something new surfaces, something else or someone else that I need to be thankful for.  

We send love and healing energy to someone we know who is in need.  We visualize that person as fully capable of dealing with whatever it is they are facing.  

We send love and healing out to the world, allowing it to go where ever it is needed most.  

We release ourselves to be of service to the world.  I love that word "release".  It's not pledge. It's not commit.  It's not challenge.  It is release and it is incredibly freeing and motivating.  

We send healing energy to the earth itself.  

Atonement

This is a big one, the central one actually in Christian churches.  And yes, I do understand that none of us will ever fully comprehend it all, but I didn't get any of it.  My heart didn't understand why it was necessary.  I could write a book about what I have been taught about the atonement, but I just didn't get it.  Maybe I still don't, but I've come up with a new definition (again, inspired by my non-church learning) that works very well for me with where I am spiritually right now.  

Atonement is empathy across time and space (Jesus' taking on all the pains and sins of the world while in the Garden of Gethsemane) creating a oneness, a wholeness, and a unity which enables us to transform any sin, weakness, pain, or sorrow into something better and stronger. The Atonement is empathy and transformation. It's that simple. Christ understood a sacred principle and showed us how to apply it.

Repentance

Again, I could write a book with all that I know intellectually about this, but there is no soul connection.    For now, I'm happy with using an approach that works well with singing and tai chi.  I'm not perfect.  There will be things that I do that are not quite what I would like them to be. First, I acknowledge what it is that I am doing well.  Then with presence, intention, and compassion, I try again.  That's it.  That is as far as I'm going with the whole repentance thing.  

If my life is not what you think it should be, have patience.  I learn some things very quickly.  And sometimes, things that are easy for other people to learn are very difficult for me.  I may take longer than most, and I may approach life and learning from a completely different angle than you do, but it's OK.  I am exactly where I need to be right now, doing exactly what I need to do.  

Finding Light and Hope: Elder Holland Talks about Depression

With this post I begin a new series (that hopefully I'll actually continue) sharing moments of light and hope.  My friend Stephanie at diapersanddivinity.com shared this list of quotes from General Conference and inspired me to make my own.  

When I shared my idea with a few friends, someone pointed out Michael Otterson's quote in this article.

General Conference is not to be understood through sound bites, especially when people take a sentence here and there and try to justify their own political agendas. That reflects a very poor level of spiritual maturity.

To Bro. Otterson and others who may not approve of my list, I say this,

Sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of spiritual maturity to find the little nuggets of good, hope, and beauty and to not become weighed down by those things that hurt our hearts or don't sit well with us.  

Sister Camilla Kimball spoke of putting those difficult concepts on a shelf. At this point in my life, I'm choosing to focus on the good.  I'm not putting things on a shelf.  I'm just letting them go and looking for the things that feed my soul.  

I didn't get a chance to watch any of conference this year because I was busy having another incredible experience with my tai chi family.  (I'll try to write more about that later.)  Luckily, all the conference talks are posted both as videos and written transcripts, so I can catch up on my own time.  And since I can watch them in any order, I'm starting with the talk that received the most positive response from my friends.

You can read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk here or watch it now.



My spiritually immature favorite quote is this:

We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!

Another favorite sound bite:

Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost.

I especially appreciated these words to both those who suffer and those who help them. So often the message at church is "Do more." I love that he acknowledges that some times we need to do less and "be still."

When you face “depletion depression,” make the requisite adjustments. Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.

If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait.6

Thank you, Elder Holland for the talk that so many of us needed to hear and have been waiting far too long to hear.  

What were your favorite parts of this talk?

Our Responsibility to Rescue: Another Perspective

The First Presidency Message in the October issue of the Ensign (an magazine published by the LDS church) is entitled Our Responsibility to Rescue.  The main article by President Thomas S. Monson is followed by other articles/activities to help teenagers and children apply these principles. There are some wonderful things in this Message and I will talk about those, but first I want to address some concerns about the concept of rescuing and how we do it.  The quotes here are mostly from one person, my friend Katrina Whitney, but I have heard these thoughts expressed over and over by people I love and care about that have left the church.

First, there are people that don't want to be rescued.  President Monson shares a story about a man who just needed guidance and encouragement to return to full activity in the church.  I do know people for whom this has been the case.  But it is not always the case.  For example, Katrina expressed these feelings:

I am not lost, lonely or breaking the commandments and hope I am not ignorant and I am FAR from apathetic.

Natalee Lance said:

I feel more happy, enlightened and at peace after leaving.

and this:

This is my glorious journey. Please respect that. It is even against the LDS doctrine that we should "save" anyone. That is between them and their god. And mine is 100% fine with where I am in my life.

People leave for many reasons, and some people do not want to be rescued and brought back into the church.  Some people are finding more happiness and are becoming more spiritual since leaving the church.

Three more things that are insinuated if you are no longer active is 1) you no longer have the companionship of the holy ghost 2) your dreams and ambitions cannot be fulfilled and 3) you no longer enjoy the gospel of Jesus Christ. Um, sorry, but there are plenty of people who have left the church who are able to have and do all of theses things.

Second, too often the "love them" approach that President Monson recommends only lasts until the rescuers decide that they are just are wasting time on this person who will never return and switch their efforts and love to someone else.  Or the love lasts until the person has returned to the fold, but then stops because they're in and everything should be OK then.  If we really want to love them back into the church, then we need to make a decision to love and serve them for the rest of forever, regardless of their activity or membership status.  Love that is used as a tool to get what we want is not really love.  It is only a strategy.

To be clear, President Monson in no way implied that we should limit our love to those we deem worthy of rescue.  And in this article, he has not advocated the shunning or cutting off of those who some see as apostates. But that does happen, and it happens with a frequency that is both shocking and distressing.

...it is important to dispell these lies about people who leave the church or are inactive-no wonder we are shunned, given the silent treatment, told we no longer have the light of christ or worse are in cahoots with satan. This is so damaging to our culture and to the relationships of those who are in part member families.

Third, we are all individuals and what is helpful for one person, might even be damaging for another.  We have to really get to know people and what they want and need.  We need to learn to speak the language they will understand.  My own experiences illustrate that well.  I am an introvert in an extrovert church.  We hear all the time about how having a responsibility will help people to grow in the church.  To a certain degree, that is true, but I've also had people put me on lists to substitute for someone on Sunday or go out with the missionaries because they think if I feel needed that I will want to be at church and my testimony will grow. Actually, the opposite happens.  I don't need more responsibility at church. In fact, that makes me resent it and not want to be there.

Both President Monson, and Josi S. Kilpack who wrote the article for the youth use variations on the word encourage when describing how friends helped people return to the gospel.  Again, how we encourage and the type of encouragement needed varies by individual.  Sometimes encouragement comes off as preachy.  Challenges to pray more or read the scriptures more sound like, "I know better than you what will make your life happy."  To be honest, even the "we're glad to see you back at church" comment sometimes rubs me the wrong way.

If you would like to know more about why people leave the church or how you can help them, please view the video presentation here.  The first 40 minutes covers myths regarding why people leave the church and survey results about why they really leave.  (Be warned, some of the doubts and concerns expressed might lead to your own crisis of faith or understanding those things might strengthen your testimony.  If you are at all concerned about either thing happening, skip this first section and go right to how you can help).  Starting at about the 40 minute mark, you can find very helpful information about what you can do if someone you love is doubting or has left the church.

Now, I want to return to the heart of what I believe President Monson's message to be:  love.  Although the main focus of this First Presidency Message seems to be on bringing people back to church, at it's core, it is about what President Monson does best: simply loving people.  That is why he mentions the sick, the elderly, and the widowed in addition to those who we think have strayed.  Here are a few beautiful quotes from President Monson:

...they can be succored and sustained by the hand that helps and the heart that knows compassion.

During the Master’s ministry, He called fishermen at Galilee to leave their nets and follow Him, declaring, “I will make you fishers of men.”2 May we join the ranks of the fishers of men and women, that we might provide whatever help we can.

...others return because loved ones or “fellowcitizens with the saints” have followed the admonition of the Savior, have loved their neighbors as themselves,4 and have helped others to bring their dreams to fulfillment and their ambitions to realization.

The catalyst in this process has been—and will continue to be—the principle of love.

May we extend to them the hand that helps and the heart that knows compassion. By doing so, we will bring joy into their hearts...

Yes, I realize that I left out the parts about bringing people back to the church.  It is partly because one of my goals right now is to cherish the things that bring peace to my soul and let go of the things that trouble me. It's also because there are so many people in horrific situations that really need and want rescuing that I have trouble investing my energy in this type of rescuing that many people don't even want.  I'm going to love people. Period.  If they then decide that the church is the path that will bring them the most peace and happiness, that's great and wonderful.  And if leaving is part of their necessary spiritual journey, I will support that as well and continue to love them and support them in the way that they desire.

In a blog I wrote over a year ago, I shared learning experiences I had with hymns.  Here is one story from that post:

A year or so ago, I had a beautiful dream that brought new meaning to an old hymn. I've never been a huge fan of "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd", but the context from the dream changed everything for me. It was no longer just a song about going out and bringing those sinners back, it became a song that truly helped me to understand the love that God has for each of us. It became for me a song about reaching out to people as children of God, seeing them and treating them as God would, not judging them and calling them to repentance.

The details of the dream have faded, but the feelings have not, and these images have not.  There was a huge community event that was something like a cross between a parade and a progressive dinner.  People moved though a series of churches, parks, businesses, etc. and at each location there was a performance or presentation.  But so many people were involved that not everyone could get started in this progression right away. The poor and those who identified as part of the LGBT community were forced to wait their turn in the dark, dirty, cold subway tunnels.  As we entered a church (not a Mormon one), I heard children singing "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd."  In that moment, experiencing this hymn in a non-Mormon setting, at a church that I knew to be very progressive and open to all, I knew that the song wasn't about getting people baptized and in the benches on Sunday morning.  It was about helping people to feel the love of shepherd.  It was about loving people enough to not make them wait in the dirty tunnels just because of the their bank balance or who they loved.

Finally, please listen to this beautiful song.  You can't tell me that this was written by someone who doesn't understand the gospel.  I think she understand the true gospel better than most.

I am called the black sheep
But I call on the lamb
I am called the black sheep
But I'm holding out my hand
And I will sing for you
For the deaf and for the mute
And I will stand with you
The outcast and the accused
A coin down the well
For the oppressed and the unblessed
A shawl for the shoulders
Of the cold who do not rest
And we will build a shelter
And we will gather in
The shunned and the trampled
We will all be whole again
And I will tread below
'Til we all are pulled above
And I come not by fire
But I come with a love
Pure as a black diamond
That can never be hushed
Pure as a black diamond
That can never be crushed

Yes, I am a Feminist

I'm a feminist.  And it's not as scary as some people might think.  Like any group, we have a variety of experiences and views.

If you haven't heard of Ordain Women, you probably will soon.  Ordain Women is a group of Mormon feminists that have decided that now is the right time to bring attention to women's issues in general and specifically to the need for ordination for women.  Not every Mormon feminist is involved in this movement, and many have concerns and reservations about it.  What I've seen though is that my feminist friends are sincerely interested in the experiences, feelings, and opinions of others.  They want to understand people with whom they may not agree.

This morning I read a blog post by a friend.  I appreciate her willingness to share her views and her positive experiences in the church, but I was concerned by her characterization of my feminist friends.  So I wrote this in response.

I appreciate your willingness to have this discussion. I think it is wonderful that the church has been such a positive experience for you. That is not the case for every woman. I know and love many of the women involved in this movement. They are not defiant. They are women (and men) earnestly seeking to know the will of the Lord. Many of them are active and temple recommend holders. Many of them have studied and prayed and received personal revelation that this is the course that they should take. The common arguments that motherhood equals priesthood or that women have the priesthood in the temple do not heal the deep wounds of inequality that they feel.

Revelation comes because people ask questions. That's why the church was restored through Joseph Smith. We have the Word of Wisdom because Emma had a concern that she took to Joseph who took it to the Lord. The majority of the revelations of the early church happened because someone needed more light and understanding and asked a question. Changes in church policy (and sometimes even revelations about new doctrine) happen when enough people ask questions and share their thoughts, and then the leaders prayerfully consider the best way to move forward. That opens the door for our Heavenly Father to reveal more to us.

I don't know what the end result of this movement with be. Some of my sisters hope that it does result in ordination for women. My hope is that it opens the doors for difficult discussions about what it means to be a woman in this church, and how people can feel more fully a part of the church. Women are not less in the true gospel, but in many ways, the current policies of the church make them feel that way. It is not Satan whispering in their ears that makes them feel this way. It is the well-meaning, but often misguided choices of other members and leaders.

If nothing else comes of this, I pray that we learn to listen more and love more.

I am a Mormon feminist.  These two scriptures form the foundation of my feminist beliefs.  

This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Matthew 22:38-40

...and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;  Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort...
Mosiah 18:8-9

Feminists are not evil, scary, monsters.  They are your sisters (and even your brothers).  I invite you to learn more about them, and if you need to disagree, that's fine.  Just do so with understanding and respect.  

Radical Self-Repect

This great post from AuntMarvel inspired me to write a post of my own. Read hers first, because I'm just going to write about what radical self-respect looks like in my own life.

Radical self-respect in my life means:

• Putting my health (physical, social, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) first.  I can only serve if I have something to give.  
• Setting a work schedule based on a realistic assessment of what my body can handle.  I'm no longer teaching voice lessons on weekends and I'm done with lessons at 5PM on weekdays so that I have the time and energy to do things that bring happiness to my life.  
• Not feeling guilty about needing time to rest and re-charge.  (Still working on this one.)
• Speaking my truth and living with integrity.  I used to be a different person depending on which group of people I was with.  Now my conservative friends know my liberal side, and my liberal friends know my conservative side, and the beautiful thing is, because they are really my friends, we can disagree and it's OK.
• Loving my body for what it can do, and not getting so frustrated about what I wish it was and could do instead.  
• Saying no when I know it just isn't going to work at this point in my life.  Plus, I'm giving up feeling like I have to justify my choices to other people.  
• Challenging myself to grow and improve, but at the same time, knowing that sometimes "barely sufficient" or "good enough for who it's for" is OK.  
• I don't have to do everything, and I don't have to do everything perfectly. When I was growing up, I was smart and I was musical, and I took pride in those things and in being the very best.  But, not being the very best scared me.  Anything that required physical coordination meant that I wasn't the best.  Gym class was the most stressful class of the day because I didn't want that thing I was horrible at to ruin my GPA.  I hated it because I wasn't the best at it.  Now, I'm a tai chi instructor and I'm working with a personal trainer and I can't tell you how much I love these physical things.  And it's because it's all about how they make me feel, not about being perfect, or achieving a goal set by someone else.  
• Knowing that what I look like, what I do, and what others think of me does not in any way change my value.  I am a person of divine origin with unlimited potential and I bring something beautiful to the world.  

What does radical self-respect mean to you?  

More Changes

A few months ago I wrote this post about all the growth, change, and transformation that has been taking place in my life.  And it hasn't stopped since then.  This is the year that challenges all my old thinking.  This is the year that makes me face my fears.  This is the year that I'm finally learning to use my voice.

I had huge plans for this summer.  And of course, you know that making plans is a good thing, because how can you totally throw the plan out the window if there wasn't a plan to begin with?  I had planned to do lots of reading and writing.  I had planned to save money and eat healthier.  I've done a little of all of those things.  But mostly I've launched another big, long term project.  I've had a blog about voice lessons and a Facebook group for quite awhile.  This summer it kicked into high gear with about 30 posts in one month.  It was great and wonderful and really helped me focus and prepare for the school year.  Now I just want to see if I can keep up with it and get more people to talk teaching.

I'm also exploring the possibilities of going into business with a friend. Right now it is probably at least a year off since there is a lot of planning and organizing and fund raising to do.  I'm not going to share more details yet, but if it happens, it's going to be a really good thing.  It will give me a chance to do more of what I love without giving up the things I'm doing now (hopefully).

Another change happened a few weeks ago when a friend committed suicide.  We actually haven't seen each other in a few years and mostly kept in contact by Facebook, but still it hurt.  And there was a lot to process beyond just losing her.  It brought up a lot of old stuff.

At my last doctor appointment, I told my doctor about some annoying but not serious symptoms. He has asked me to try an elimination diet to see if gluten may be part of the problem. So far it is going well.  There are a couple of things I still need to work out, but I'm getting the hang of it. Because I know that chocolate also causes problems for me, I decided to get rid of that too.  I think that I also have a few other food sensitivities, so this whole process might take awhile.

I also just started working with a personal trainer.  So far, I'm loving it, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep it up once school starts.  I'll just have to wait and see what my time, money, and energy situation looks like.

Next week is Freshman Orientation.  School starts the following week.  I'll be doing just after school lessons that week, and then I start my regular schedule the second week of September.  And then it's another wild ride through the school year.

I've changed some policies and will be requiring students to use my website more.  I do expect that that will be a little tricky.  I've also added a few more events this year for students.  My calendar is very full and very colorful since I've added colors for different kinds of events.  I'm also finally moving my primary calendar online.  I will still need paper reminders, but I think I've finally decided that online might be easier for keeping track of all that I'm doing.

Also in September I'll be a teaching assistant for 6 tai chi and qigong classes, plus prepping for the October Tai Chi for Energy workshop that I'll be taking from Dr. Lam.

This year of the Snake won't be over until Jan. 31.  What other growth, change, and transformation is waiting just around the corner?

Today's Adventure

Sometimes the universe has other plans.  Today I had what could have been a very bad experience.  But as you will see from my lists below, overall, the scales tip towards good.

Bad news:

• I had a flat tire today. 
• Although I'm quite capable of changing a tire, I just really didn't feel like doing it in a dress.  Plus I was just lazy.  
• It took over 7 minutes for anyone at Roadside Assistance to even answer the phone.  
• After that I had to wait at least 90 minutes before someone came.  
• My phone battery was lower than 50%, and because I didn't want to run it down, I didn't even check FB, or blog, or surf the internet while I waited.  

Good News:

• The flat tire wasn't quite as much my fault as I thought it was.  (Long story.)
• I had my cell phone with me, so it was easy to call Roadside Assistance.  
• Because it is part of my insurance, I didn't have to pay anything extra for the help.  
• Because I knew I needed to get to my spare tire, I cleaned out the trunk of the car.  
• I found my good gloves and hat that I hadn't been able to find all last winter.  
• I found my box of special pens (multiple colors and kinds) that I bought a few years ago for NaNoWriMo, but haven't seen in a couple of years.  It was like Christmas!
• I had plenty of change to walk across the parking lot and buy a water from the vending machine after I finished the water I had with me.  
• Plus, I found a 1946 nickel in my change.  I always keep coins that are older than I am.  It might not be worth anything, but it is fun to have.  This coin was in circulation before my parents were born.  
• I have been sunshine deprived lately, and it was a beautiful day to be outside.  The temperature was moderate.  The sun was shining, and there was a light breeze.  Plus, there were a bazillion birds around to watch.  
• When I was cleaning out the trunk, I found the Armor All wipes, so I cleaned the dash, the instrument panel, and I got all the disgusting stuff out of the cup holder.  My car looks so much better.  
• I also cleaned out the glove box and found two flashlights with dead batteries.  I guess it's a good thing I always have my phone with me to use as a light.  Must find new batteries tomorrow.  
• Since I had those awesome pens and a notepad, I did a little writing while I waited.  
• I planted some tai chi seeds.  I mentioned that I taught tai chi and the Auto Rescue guy said he was interested in learning more about it.  I told him a little, and then wrote down some places where he could find information about classes.  

Day 1 Gluten-Free

When I saw my doctor last week, we I told him that my digestive system had been even more temperamental than usual, so he suggested that I do a gluten elimination diet to see if gluten may be part of the problem.  I've done a lot of reading about Fibromyalgia and food sensitivities, and gluten is at the top of the list for things that people with Fibromyalgia might have issues with.  Some of the reading I've done suggests going off all the possible culprits at once and then adding them back in one at a time to see exactly what the issues are.  I suspect that I may also have intolerances for dairy, chocolate, corn, legumes, and nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers).  But eliminating all of that would mean totally re-working my diet and I don't have the time, resources, and patience to do that all at once.  So, I'm starting with the gluten and I'll see if that makes any difference.

The good news is that I used last week as a trial run and actually lost a couple of pounds.  I didn't go completely off gluten, but I did buy gluten free products for my lunches at work and I didn't do pastas or breads very much for dinners at home.  I found that I like the Amy's Rice Mac and Cheese even more than the regular version.  I also love their enchiladas, but they didn't like me back.  That could have been the corn, the beans, or the tomatoes.  Or it might just have been that my stomach didn't like anything that day.  I seriously have days that water causes digestive pain.

Anyway, today is Day 1 gluten-free.  I'll be keeping my food diary here, so posts will be pretty boring for awhile.  But blogging about the food is much easier than remembering where I put the notebook that I was writing things down in.

Breakfast this morning:  Pepper Jack Cheese and grapes

Singing and Healing

This really should be posted on my voice blog, but I'm in the middle of a series there and this is very off topic.  And I'm not sure how all the readers of that blog would respond.  I know my readers here (all 3 of you) and know that you will either be supportive, or if you think it is all crazy talk, you will still smile at me the next time I see you.  

I posted this in a FB group along with a link to info on the book The Enclyclopedia of Energy Medicine.  

I'm not sure exactly when or how, but I know that I am going to pursue becoming an energy healer as an expansion of my career. (I believe that the work I do with teaching tai chi and voice lessons is also healing.) I bought this book today and I had no idea there were so many options. I'm looking forward to learning more and seeing where my heart leads me.

A person asked me to share my thoughts on voice lessons as healing, and this was my response:

Not all voice lessons are healing, and I've had a few that were downright toxic. But, I believe they have the potential to be healing. I am working on making the lessons I teach healing by creating a safe, supportive, healing environment in which to learn. Learning to sing involves a lot of vulnerability, and vulnerability is part of being healthy (at least when we are not assaulted while vulnerable). Singing (good singing) is basically opening your soul for the whole world to see, touch, hear, and feel. It involves experimenting and finding what works best for your body. And that will involve making some mistakes and making some sounds that you would never want the world to hear. I give students a safe place to do that.
Music has healing properties. I believe that the music that speaks to us is music that literally resonates with our bodies and souls. I don't have all the answers yet, but I do think that the vibrations themselves are healing. This is one of the reasons I'm very interested in sound healing (using Tibetan singing bowls, tuning forks, the voice, etc.).

Anyway, I didn't want to lose these thoughts in the land of old FB posts so I put there here for now, where I can find them when I am ready to add this to that book I'm writing about teaching singing.  

Growth, Change, and Transformation

Never pray for humility.  It pretty much guarantees that you will have many experiences that will humble you.  I've also learned that daring the Water Snake to bring it on, might also be just a bit of a mistake.  I was ready for change, and I'm embracing the transformation, but there has been a lot of it to deal with.

We are currently in the Chinese Year of the Water Snake.  I'm not a real fan of snakes, but as I explored the symbolism, I found things I loved and decided to embrace this year, the snake, and all it would bring into my life.  I thought I was ready for this.  I feel like I've handled the change well, but I never expected the growth and transformation to come in the ways that it has.

With the exception of a short, vague post in mid-April, I haven't had the time, energy, and focus to blog.  Here's a quick review (not necessarily in chronological order) of all that has happened in my life so far during the year of the Water Snake, (in addition to the regular stuff like voice lessons and tai chi classes).

• Russ Smiley died.  He was my tai chi teacher's mentor and a leader in the tai chi community.  I had my TCA training with him and was hoping to study more with him in the future.  
• My cousin was assaulted.  He survived, but is now dealing with the effects of a Traumatic Brain Injury.  His recovery will be a very long process.  
• Glenda Maurice, my voice teacher and mentor, died.  
• Barbara Kierig died.  We were not particularly close, but she was a part of the voice community and will be missed.  
• My massage therapist, who has been the most important member of my health care team, found out that she can no longer use the space she has been using.  I still don't know if she has found any other options, or if she will be retiring.  
• I spent two and a half amazing days studying Soaring Crane Qi Gong with Ralph Dehner.  The insights and nuggets of wisdom I picked up during the breaks and discussion time were as transforming for me as the actual work we did.  
• I adjudicated at two different Solo and Ensemble Contests and was able to share some of the newest things that I am incorporating in my own teaching.  
• I took my TCA 2 certification class and was able to work with Ileana Ferrier and Linda Arksey.  I hope to have opportunities to study with both of them in the future.  
• Because of changes in my teacher's schedule, I will be doing more substituting for tai chi classes starting in the fall, and I'll be a teaching assistant for all the classes as well.  
• We celebrated another World Tai Chi and Qigong Day.  Each year when I participate, I am reminded of how much I love this tai chi community.  They are my people.  I have found my home.  
• My writing is calling to me again.  And it can't wait until NaNoWriMo.  So much of this story  parallels my own journey.  I couldn't revise it 10 years ago because I didn't know the things I needed to know to complete the story.  Each year I learn more and the pieces fall into place.  There are stories begging to be written, and the old stories are asking for revision and editing and maybe even sharing them with the world.  I'm currently re-reading the 10 related novels and short stories and the real work will begin shortly.  
• I'm presenting 2 different sessions at the MMTA Convention in June.  The first one is technology.  (Don't laugh.)  Actually, I'm leading a discussion about Music Teacher's Helper.  And I asked that it be very clear about that in the description.  I'm not spouting knowledge.  I'm facilitating sharing.  The second sessions is about using tai chi and qigong in the voice studio and I'm super excited about that one.  My study of tai chi and qigong has changed the way I teach and work with my voice students.  

All this since February.  What more will be revealed this year?  I don't really know, but for once, I feel confident that I am growing and transforming in just that ways that I need to and that I can handle whatever happens.  

Random Thoughts

Life has been life, and I have not had the time to really gather my thoughts for a coherent post lately.  But there are things I need to write, so I'm doing it today, even if it doesn't make much sense to anyone else.

Item 1
Yesterday I was listening to this and realized that except for the part about being in love with someone, it is exactly how I have felt about my life the last few weeks.

It has been a time of growth and awareness and amazing insights which hopefully I will have time to share more of later.

Item 2
For most of my life, I've been the exception to the rule.  I gained 100 pounds on a drug that has a side effect of anorexia.  I learn some things extremely quickly, and other things that seem simple to most people I struggle with.  I have to find how to make things make sense to me.  I had the thought the other day that I in certain aspects of my life, I am expected to be fine with getting the milk before the meat.  That is fine.  It makes sense.  But I think people have been trying to give me cow's milk when I was lactose intolerant.  Once I switched to almond, soy, or rice, the milk was fine, in fact, it was glorious.  In other words, I figured a few things out this week that I have struggled with my entire life, because people used language and images that makes sense to me.

How Firm a Foundation

It's been one of my favorite hymns for a long time, and I wrote about "How Firm a Foundation" in a post not too long ago.  You can read that here.  But it's been in my mind a lot lately, and new ideas keep surfacing.  It is time to write again.

I believe that a spirituality that is not constantly evolving, is in the process of dying.  One of the best ways for me to keep growing is to keep searching, looking beyond the things right in front of me to find other ways of viewing the world.  As I explore what's out there, I find a deeper, more meaningful approach to the things I have always known.

***WARNING:  This post is about things that may make you uncomfortable or that may even directly contradict your beliefs.  This is not about me trying to convince you.  It is about me stating what I have found and what speaks to me.

Although some sources point to Robert Keen as the author of this text, we don't really know for sure since when it was first published, in the space for the author's name there was simply a "K".  What we do know is that for a couple hundred years, this text, sung to various tunes has provided strength, solace, and encouragement to numerous people.

I remember one evening a few years ago when it spoke to me.  I was stressed and tired, and entered the church late after a long day of recitals at school.  My body hurt, but I wanted to be there.  To be honest, I don't remember any thing from that service, except for this song.  You can read all the verses here.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand...As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.  

That was what I needed to hear at that moment.

I've performed this song for three different church meetings in the last year, and each time it calls to me, asking me to dig deeper, to see more, to feel more.  In the post referenced earlier, I talked about how the song was no longer just about someone giving me aid, but how I can act, how I can be the one who is there to lift and strengthen.  And then someone asked us to share examples of how we see Heavenly Mother, or the Feminine Divine, in the everyday.  And suddenly, I saw her in this song.  Yes, these things can all be attributes of a male deity too, but I see and feel something different when I bring the feminine to this song.

The word "foundation" made me think of solid grounding on the earth.  Earth and nature are associated with the Feminine Divine.  She is also there grounding us because of our faith in Jesus Christ.

Succor.  Aid.  Relief.  Comfort.  Those are words that speak to me of a Heavenly Mother.  Succor literally means running under.  I love the image of a mother lifting a child to carry it through the dangers, "upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand".

Water and Fire.  Both life giving and potentially dangerous. We tend to read these verses more towards the danger, but I think they are also about the life-giving of our Heavenly Parents.  I see these two middle verses as the marriage of our Heavenly Parents and how they individually and collectively go about helping us reach our fullest potential.  In many traditions, water is feminine.  Water often symbolizes intuition, emotions, and the unconscious.  We have to go deep into the water (your body is mostly water), into ourselves, to find who we really are, to find our essence, our souls.  She will make the journey sacred.  She is there waiting for us. The fire is masculine, and I tend to think of it as outward refinement.  Heavenly Father won't let us be destroyed by it, but we can be purified by those things that happen to us, that come at us from the outside through no fault of our own.

The sixth verse speaks of an image that we have come to associate with Jesus Christ, that of carrying the lamb.  What I find so beautiful about this is that the image itself is full of symbols of the feminine, showing that Christ embodies the best of what we tend to think of as masculine and feminine qualities.  The lamb, a tiny helpless newborn.  The bosom, a place of safety, nourishment, peace.  Borne, carried, transported, but also the past tense of bear which means to give birth to. This verse speaks of Christ, but I cannot read it without also thinking of my Heavenly Mother.

In the seventh and final verse, I see Christ, my Heavenly Father, and my Heavenly Mother, but especially my Heavenly Mother.  I kind of see Mother Bear in this verse.  She is protective.  It is who she is.  It is what she does.  She's never going to walk away.

Is this what most people think of when they sing this hymn?  Probably not, but it's where I am today.  "How Firm a Foundation" is a call to me to be there for others that need lifting up.  It is a reminder of people, real people, that I can turn to when I feel too burdened to go on.  It is message from my Heavenly Mother reminding me that she too is there for me and always will be.

Making a difference

Sometimes you feel like you are just banging your head against the wall, accomplishing nothing, but causing more pain and frustration for yourself. Sometimes it's church. Sometimes it's work. Sometimes it's relationships. Sometimes it's the world.

But then there are those little moments that give us hope. A thank you when you least expect it. Words that give you insights, spoken by someone that doesn't even know what you are experiencing. A small success after a long battle.

Today, I found two reminders that our voices can make a difference.  First, this news from a group of women who would not stop asking for what they needed.

Then I read this beautiful post by a woman who was reminded of why she does what she does.

Who you are and what you do makes a difference!

 

Fibro fog and other frustrations

Life with fibromyalgia.  Basically, there are 4 types of days that I have as I live with this condition.

1.  Days when both my body and brain refuse to work correctly.  I'm tired, I hurt, and I can't think clearly.  I know I'm in trouble when I can't even focus enough to read a book.  Teaching is a battle.  I can do it, but it takes so much energy to stay focused through the fog that I just come home and crash.
2.  Days when my body wants to work, but my brain doesn't.
3.  Days when my brain is on fire, but my body can't keep up with all the brain wants to do.
4.  Those oh so rare days when my brain and my body both function well.

Sometimes I cycle through these and sometimes they just occur in any random order.  For more than a week, I've been struggling with both mind and body.  But then I gave myself 12 hours of sleep on Friday night, and by Sunday morning (actually really late Saturday night), my body wanted to work.  I actually accomplished more around the house than I have in a long time.  Now my brain is trying to wake up too.  There are glimpses of clarity.  Is it too much to hope that I'm moving into one of those times when I can think and do the things I want to?

13 Baby Steps for 2013

If you were in my house today, you could go into my kitchen and see New Year's Resolutions posted on my fridge.  I put them there so I could remember them and focus on them.  Sadly, it's the list from 2010.  The good news is that I am making progress on those goals.  I'm just moving very slowly.  I'm leaving it up for this year too because I think that I need reminders of many of those same things.  You can see the list here.  

This year is all about baby steps--setting small goals that move me towards where I want to be, and being happy with those baby steps.  That's not easy.  I'm smart, talented, determined, and impatient.  I want to be good right now.  But years of living with fibromyalgia have taught me that I don't really get to decide what I can do each day.  Sometimes my body decides for me and it is all I can do to go to work and go to a drive-through window to get something for dinner.  

So since I'm continuing my 2010 resolutions, instead of new resolutions, I have 13 Baby Steps that I will take this year.  Ideally these would be daily things, but part of working with baby steps is understanding that they may not be steady and consistent, but they are moving, and that it what is important.  The amount of time spent on these doesn't matter either.  

1.  Do one thing each day towards keeping the house cleaner.  This can be as small as putting my dishes in the dishwasher.  

2.  Check the mail more often.  

3.  Smile at someone for no reason at least once a day.  

4.  Read.

5.  Sing.  

6.  Listen.  

7.  Play.  

8.  Write.  

9.  Meditate.  

10.  Breathe.  With intent.  

11.  Move.  

12.  Connect.  

13.  Feel joy.  

Simple.  Small.  Purposeful.  I may not accomplish anything grand this year, but I hope to spend more time in self-care, more time nurturing the things that bring peace to my life, and more time sharing that with others.  

By the way, 13 is my lucky number so you can expect to see lots of 13 themed posts this year.