Will the real Jeannine please stand up

I have social anxiety (and a lot of other things whose acronyms I string together and lovingly refer to as my Alphabet Soup Disorder.) I deal with it a lot better than I used to and some people that I interact with regularly are completely unaware of it. But it is still there. And that means that it is really hard for me to start up a conversation with a stranger. Even in a group of friends, I often just sit back and listen. It also means that almost every word and action is accompanied by me wondering how those around me will take what I do and say.

I'm also not super touchy-feely. I don't always jump anymore when someone touches me unexpectedly and if I'm with a touchy-feely group, I can get through the hello and goodbye hugs just fine. But I'm not the one hugging everyone in sight. Not usually anyway.

But there are times when all of that disappears and I am someone else. Catch me after I've given a great performance and I'm all about hugs. I'll hug complete strangers. I just won NaNoWriMo and then made 5 or 6 hilarious, totally unedited posts on the forum. They were what I really wanted to say, not what I revised to make pleasing to the ears of my listeners (or eyes of my readers in this case.) If you get my brain going and I am intellectually excited and challenged, the quiet girl disappears and you can't shut me up. In all of these cases, I am still in or coming off of an experience of total flow. I love flow! When I'm working in flow, I am totally focused and thoroughly enjoy whatever it is I am doing. But I don't think the benefits end there. I think it actually changes my brain chemistry for awhile afterwards. I can't remember if Csikszentmihayli (you won't believe how many times I had to check to see that I spelled that correctly, and I'm still not sure, but I'm not going to check again) says anything about that in the book. I'll have to reread it and see. But I can't help but wonder if flow makes my brain more "normal". (Yes, I know there are no truly normal brains out there.) Is this who I am supposed to be? Is this who I would be if my brain always functioned like it should?

The flow and post-flow Jeannine is kinder, more affectionate, more honest. And I'm certainly more open. That's a good thing, but it kind of scares me too. Sometimes that part of your brain that shouts "Don't say that!" is right. Some things are best left unsaid, or unwritten. I'm also a little frightened of what I might do if the wrong person took advantage of one of those moments. When I first moved to MN I dated some real losers. (If you are my FB friend, you are not one of them, which will be obvious when you read the next part.) Their number 1 goal was sex. But they didn't get very far, because all their sweet talk and/or acting macho did nothing for me. There weren't many second dates and I don't think anyone made it to 3 dates. Years later when I was telling a friend about it, I jokingly said, "Those guys would have gotten a lot farther with a good intellectually stimulating conversation." It was funny. And true. And scary.

When I'm coming off of one of those great moments, my everyday walls and barriers that I usually put up to protect myself fall away. And I am happy to let them go. I don't need them. But what about those lines that I've said I won't cross? It was easy to avoid them when a wall stood between me and the line, but I'm afraid that without the wall I may lose track of where the line is. I may cross it thinking it is a remnant of the wall I just tore down.

Maybe I just crossed it. Maybe this is TMI.

The Grammar Police strike again

This morning I was listening to my John Denver station on Pandora as I worked. (And why do I hear Elton John and Jason Mraz on that station? That's another post entirely. Now back to the real topic.) I enjoy listening to music while I work. I've even learned to mostly turn off voice teacher mode so I can listen without critiquing. But I can't quiet The Grammar Police and their associates.

I actually kind of like Neil Diamond, although I'm not sure why. But "brang"?????? Really?!?!?! I know it had to rhyme with sang, rang, and sprang, but "brang" just hurts. I know I'm not the first to make this observation, but wow!!! --the pain it brang to us grammar sensitive folks. Other than that, "Play Me" is a great song.

Then there is James Taylor's "Song for You Far Away". Again, a singer I like, performing a pretty good song. The word "away" shows up at least 11 times, and every time he sang the second syllable correctly, but the vowel at the begining of the word was the same as the one in the second syllable. I'm not fond of a back and down uh-way, but ay-way is just wrong!

Finally, Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours". As I just read through the lyrics, a few other issues jumped out at me that didn't bother me as I listened to the song. My big question is, did he really mean "God-forsaken right" and there is some deep meaning there that I am missing (which I'm not so sure of since the song is kind of shallow) or did he mean "God-given"?

Enough complaining. Back to work.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Freezer meals

Facebook wouldn't post this first paragraph, so I was forced to write more and make it a blog post.

Two and a half hours, 3 grocery stores, $160 and numerous trips up and down the stairs hauling in and putting away the food. Now the fun begins! By Monday morning, my freezer will be filled with individual portions of ranch bean chili, hearty macaroni casserole, chili bake, chicken pot pie, enchiladas, creamy sweet potato and butternut squash soup, and a few other things I'll throw together with the leftover ingredients.

Tonight I made enchiladas and while they were in the oven, I put together the hearty macaroni casserole. But then it was dinner time and I had two meals ready, so I had to try a little of each. The enchiladas were good. I found just the right amount of spicy this time. I was a little nervous about the casserole since I've never used this recipe before, but it turned out great. The Italian style diced tomatoes really made it tasty. I think this one will be added to the regular rotation.

Tomorrow I will start with the ranch bean chili (another new recipe) and the chili bake (a chili based casserole that I made up). Both of those can go straight to the freezer. I love having a freezer, fridge, and cupboards full of food. The only hard part is deciding what to eat. I want it all now.

By the way, I was too full after dinner to try the Boo Berry or Franken Berry cereal. It will have to wait for another day.

Does anyone have any ideas why I love most chocolate things, but was not in the least bit tempted to buy Count Chocula? I know we had that at my grandparents' house too. Oh well, saved me from the calories and wasted money.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Seeing what we want to see and hearing what we want to hear

Yesterday after Tai Chi class, I went looking for some beautiful fall colors. This year I have seen more of what I would refer to as burned colors. There are yellows and reds, but they are dry and dull. I knew I had seen a few trees of the vibrant colors I love, so I went looking for more. I wanted pictures to remind me that they existed. This was the first picture I took.



I love it. It was exactly what I was looking for. I also love the reflection in the water and the blue sky and clouds above.

I took a few more pictures at this location and then went in search of more colors. I found a beautiful red bush that I wanted a picture of. I was using the camera on my phone and I haven't figured out how to zoom yet, so I got a lot more in the picture that just the bush.




I then noticed the trees on the right. Those branches were bare, but absolutely beautiful. So I took another shot to include more of those trees.



Only when I was at home deciding which photos to post on Facebook did I notice what this picture is really about. It's not a picture of the red bush, or the bare-branched trees; it's a picture of the shadows of the tree branches on the sidewalk. I didn't even see the shadows when I was there.

I learned (or relearned) two important lessons:
1. Even when the world seems dull or ugly, we can find beauty, exactly the kind of beauty we need at that moment, if we really look for it; and
2. Sometimes we get so focused on what we want to find, or expect to find, that we miss out on the beauty right in front of us.

It's been an emotional week. I have many friends that were hurt by President Packer's address and more specifically by how some of their Mormon friends decided to interpret it. But some of the people coming to their defense seemed to think that the only way to protect their friends was to demean and degrade the offenders and all of their beliefs.

I live in a difficult world. My liberal friends think I'm too conservative and my conservative friends think I'm too liberal. I work and associate with people that don't understand my beliefs. I go to church with people that don't understand what wonderful, Christ-like people my friends and co-workers are. I work in a field that for whatever reason seems to have a much higher representation of the LGBT popluation than most fields. I love these friends. They are good people working through the arts to make the world a better place. I love them and support them. I am happy that they are out and have found peace with who they are. The frustrations melted away this week when I heard the joyous news that one of these same sex couples is going to have a baby. They will be wonderful parents and the child will grow up in a home filled with love.

Yes, there is a point to my ramblings and these two seemingly unrelated topics are connected. We see or hear what we are looking for, or what we have the expectation of finding. People on both sides were expecting something from President Packer and they heard what they expected to hear. For some, disagreeing with what they thought they heard ruined any hope of finding the beauty in any part of Conference. I didn't watch conference, and the first reports I heard of it were of this controversial address. I'm moving slowly, but I am working my way through, looking for the beauty and trying to be open to the fact that beauty may exist even in the talks and concepts that I don't agree with or don't understand.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "I testify you are individually loved of God, you are central to the meaning of His work, and you are cherished and prayed for by the presiding officers of His Church. The personal value, the sacred splendor of every one of you, is the very reason there is a plan for salvation and exaltation. Contrary to the parlance of the day, this is about you."

Right at the very beginning of conference, I found what brings me peace. This is what I believe. When nothing else makes sense, I know that God loves me, and loves me as I am.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Oxygen

Tonight as I walked in to the Sun style Tai Chi class that I'm helping with, I heard the familiar click of a portable oxygen tank and couldn't help but smile. You might think that a little inappropriate, but I love that sound, because it reminds me of people and places that were very special to me.

When I was in college, I was having a very difficult time for lots of reasons, but the roommate situation was particularly difficult at one point. A dear, dear family took me under their wing and opened their home to me as a place where I could feel safe and and calm. I even ended up living with them one summer. The father was on oxygen and you always knew when he was home because you could hear the hum of the oxygen machine. That sound soon came to represent the safety and peace that I felt there.

Several years later, my grandmother had to be on oxygen and although I was saddened that she needed it, the sound didn't bother me, but instead brought back wonderful memories.

When I hear the click of a portable oxygen tank, I also think of another dear friend who had to be on oxygen towards the end of her life. When we first met, she wasn't on oxygen, but still had major medical concerns. One of the first things I remember was when she took the time to take me to one of my doctor appointments across town. She was always serving others.

I hope that no one else that I love ever needs to be on oxygen, but at the same time, I love those sounds, how they make me feel, and the memories of loved ones that they bring back.




-- Posted from my iPhone

Things I need someone to explain to me

Today I have too much free time, as will be obvious when you read this post. Actually, I have plenty to do, just no schedule, so I keep getting distracted by the dumbest things.

I need someone to explain these things to me, because as smart as I am, I just don't get it.

Fat free cheese--It feels and tastes like rubber. Is the idea here that you will give up cheese completely rather than eat this stuff?

Sugar free ice cream--First of all, the whole point of ice cream is the sugar. Secondly, the things they put in it to make it almost edible (taste wise, that is)are probably worse for you than just eating the sugar. Again, I ask is the idea here to get you to give it up completely?

If you have brands of no fat, no sugar foods (and I mean for things that usually contain fat and sugar) that actually taste good, please let me know.

Enough about food. Now we move to fashion.

Hoodies--Why do some people wear hoodies with the hood up even when it's not cold? Bad hair day?

Knee highs with a skirt with a slit up the back or side--I'm getting used to bra straps showing, but seeing the tops of your knee highs is weird. Am I wrong here?Pantyhose or tights-OK; bare legs-OK; knee highs where the tops are covered by your skirt or pants-OK; but unless they are socks and you're going for the school girl look, I just don't get knee highs that show.

And on to deeper things,

Trying to get the parking spot closest to the door when you are going to the gym. Huh?

Kids that have $3,000 worth of new school clothes, but can't afford a $20 book for voice lessons. I know, we have to
have priorities.

Back to food --
How do you buy chocolate chips to use to make cookies 5 days after the shopping trip? Can people really keep them hidden (from family members and themselves) for that long?

I really have to go do something productive now.

-- Posted from my iPhone

"To do what He is"

I've been reading a lot lately and the thing I love about reading several books at once is that little similarities pop up where you would least expect them. Last week I finished reading Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God: Book 1. I still have about 135 pages left to finish Abraham Joshua Heschels's God in Search of Man: A Philosophy of Judaism. While they both deal with man's relationship with God, they come at it from very different perspectives.

Heschel was a rabbi and one of the leading Jewish theologians and Jewish philosophers of his time. (On a side note, he also marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. in Selma.) His work is beautifully written and quite profound and enlightening. This is not, however, a quick read. This is a book where you read a few paragraphs or at most a chapter and then you have to stop and give yourself time to fully process everything he said. It's deep.

Walsch believes that he did not write his book, but merely took dicatation from God in answer to his own questions. He says, "...God was responding to my questions in direct proportion to my ability to comprehend. That is, I was being answered in ways, and with language, that God knew I would understand." This statement is actually what I also believe regarding personal revelation. It also accounts for the fact that Walsch's God has a sense of humor and occassionally makes slightly sarcastic comments. (I like this God!)

Sometimes these 2 books are almost completely opposite with regards to issues and doctrines. And sometimes, they are saying exactly the same thing, like in the passages I found in Heschel today. He says, "The Torah is primarily divine ways rather than divine laws" and "The plea is not to obey what He wills but to do what He is." We tend to think of the Torah as The Law of Moses, a complicated system of Thou shalts and Thou Shalt Nots. We teach that the law was given to prepare Israel for the higher law that Christ revealed. But it is not just about what we (or they) should and shouldn't do. It is about doing things the way God does and becoming as he is.

I love how Walsch (or God in Walsch's book) talks about this. In reference to the Ten Commandments, he says, "You shall know that you have taken the path to God, and you shall know that you have found God, for there will be these signs, these indications, these changes in you". He then explains each of what we refer to as commandments and how it would be impossible to do anything else if we are truly seeking God.

I really have trouble with the concept of obedience. Maybe it is because regardless of how I reframe it intellectually, my gut still hears, "Do what I said because I said so. End of discussion." Even though it may be the right thing to do, obeying because I should just doesn't work for me. I love the idea of learning about who God is, what he does, and how he does it and using that as the map for my journey--no commandments, just sign posts and commitments. You may argue that I'm saying the same thing, but it feels different to me. I am making a personal choice to do something that I want to do, rather than just doing what I'm told by someone who may or may not understand me and what us happening in my life.



-- Posted from my iPhone

Accompanists

I've been asked to speak to a group of music teachers in a couple of months about accompanying. I can go any direction I want, but it was suggested that I might want to include training young accompanists. As I considered what I want to talk about, I decided that it might be best to structure my comments using my own musical history.

As I started making a list of people, events, and experiences that helped me to learn to accompany, I made a somewhat unsettling discovery: I received the training and nurturing that I needed as a young accompanist because I went to schools that couldn't afford to hire professional accompanists and coaches, and the church I attended does not hire professional musicians. I was given opportunities as an accompanist because there was no one else to do it.

I now live in an area where schools and churches hire professional musicians. In many ways, this is a good thing. The quality of the performances is better, and musicians are able to make money doing what we have invested a great deal of time and money in learning to do. I believe musicians should be paid, but what opportunities for training the next generation are missed when we hire professionals? Is there a way to hire professionals, maintain a high level of artistry, AND give young people the opportunities they need to learn?

Then the question becomes why should we teach young people to be accompanists? If that is truly the profession they want, there are many wonderful collaborative piano programs at the University level. Do students need collaborative experience prior to college? What about those that won't be pursuing this as a career, those students whose adult musical experiences will be avocational at best? Should we teach them to accompany and if so, why? What purpose will it serve?

Although I do occassionally take an accompanying gig, this is not my main source of income. However, the experiences I have had as an accompanist have shaped who I am as a musician, teacher, and human being.

Here is one small example from my accompanying "career" that changed me in more ways than just making me a better accompanist. Weston Noble is a big name in the choral world, especially here in the Midwest. When I was a student, and the choir accompanist, at Idaho State University, he came for a festival or clinic, or some similar event. I don't really remember the details, but I remember how he changed my life. I've always been really good at "following", but he encouraged me to do more. He taught me to be open to the music and how to work with him collaboratively, not merely follow his beat pattern. I don't really even remember what he said, but it changed the way I viewed the music, the way I viewed the performance experience, and the way I viewed myself. For a big event like that, perhaps they should have brought in someone with better technique and more experience, but I am very glad they didn't. And because they didn't I learned about trust.

I will never play as well as my accompanist/coach. She is amazing. But does that mean that I shouldn't call myself an accompanist or that I shouldn't play for groups or soloist when I am needed? Absolutely not! Yes, we need amazing accompanists and coaches, but there are places in the world where those of us that are just pretty good can do just fine. There are even times when those who doubt their skills can be great.

Watch for future posts as I explore who we should teach to accompany and why.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Surrender

I have to tell you about an amazing woman I talked to today. She has lost over 130 pounds in the last 10 months. That's not the amazing part though. The amazing part is how. Yes, she had bariatric surgery, but that was the last thing she told me about. The focus of our chat was where she thinks the true success came from--total surrender and total obedience. She asked God to take away her desire for food and give her a desire for exercise. And because of her commitment and faith, that has happened.

Surrender was a choice that made sense. She had already chosen it in other areas of her life, and asked herself "why not this too?".

I love the idea of surrender, and I believe it works and can change lives. But, I'm not very good at it. Because I've had to take care of myself for so much of my life,it is really hard to rely on someone else, even God, to take care of me. To trust and let it go is hard. My friend's amazing weight loss is quite an achievement, but I'm more impressed with her surrender, her giving this problem to God and trusting that he will bring about what is best for her. Her faith is amazing and it is motivating, both for her and the people around her. What a great example!




-- Posted from my iPhone

Making a Difference

The August 2010 issue of Minnesota Women's Press (see www.womenspress.com) celebrates the 90th anniversary of women's right to vote. When I learned that it took over 70 years to get the 19th Amendment passed and the work that generations of women did to bring this about, it made me think once again about what I am doing to make a difference in the world. Is it enough? How much longer might it have taken if fewer women had spoken up? How much sooner might we have been given this right if more women had taken a stand?

With a few minor exceptions, I am healthier than I have been in over 20 years. The last several years have been about me focusing on the things that will bring peace and health to my life. I know I can't return to the overcommitted and stressful life I used to live, but is there room in my life to do something more to make a difference?

I love my current job, and don't see myself leaving it in the near future, but it was never my intent to spend my life here. This was a temporary job to pay the bills and help me gain valuable experience. The real dream, and the one that I still see at some point in my future is running my own non-profit arts school where all students, regardless of ability or financial situation, can have a life changing experience with the arts. I've seen a lot of kids miss out on these opportunities simply because there was no money to pay for them. I know teachers that only want to teach the best and the brightest because the are the most fun to teach and they make the teacher look good.

Yes, I do love it when one of my "stars" succeeds, but I know that some of my most rewarding moments as a teacher have been in seeing the growth in those students that some other teachers might label hopeless. And the growth I'm talking about is not just vocal. In my early years as a voice teacher, I had an adult student that was going through some major struggles and life changes. As we worked on a hymn we talked about what those words meant to her, especially with the situations she was dealing with. She chose to sing this song at the recital. Afterwards, an audience member (who is also a voice teacher) told me how touched she had been by this student's performance. Technically, it wasn't the best performance on the program, but because this woman sang from her heart and let us know what she knew, it was the most beautiful performance on the program. That is why I teach--to help students find the beauty and to help them know how to share it.

Last month I had a great talk with a friend, fellow voice teacher, and one of my teachers and mentors about my dream. At that point, I was really in the "I need to do more" mode. She reminded me of how important what I'm doing right now is. The students that I'm teaching now will take the things they learn (whether it is technique, discipline, music appreciation, or any number of things) and use them and share them throughout their lives. She made a difference in my life, and because she did, I am now making a difference in the lives of my students. OK, I will admit that some will leave my studio having changed very little if at all, but whatever influence I do have will continue to echo through generations.

In the past two weeks, I've heard from two different people (that didn't really stand out in my memory) that I had made a difference. They were still using tools that I taught them. Even more than the talk with my friend, these incidents reminded me of the difference I can make, that I do make, every single day.

But the question still remains--Is there more that I can do? Are there bigger issues that I can and should be taking a stand on? When is the right time, both in my life and in the history of the cause for me to become actively involved? Can I simply share what I feel and believe, or do my actions and how I choose to spend my time need to say something about what is important to me? Are rallies, marches, and hunger strikes in my future? How far am I willing to go, what am I willing to risk to make a difference?





-- Posted from my iPhone

To borrow or to buy

Anyone that knows me well knows that I love to read.






Anyone that has ever helped me move knows that I love books. (Strangely, after hauling boxes and boxes of books up and down stairs, these friends find ways to be too busy to help with the next move.)







Anyone that has seen the balance of my bank account knows that I need to limit the number of books I buy. There is no way I could afford to purchase everything I read. But I want to.

The good news is that the universe, my friends, and my family find ways to help me get my hands on those books.

First of all, I am blessed to live in an area with a fabulous library system. Libraries are amazing!
You can spend an afternoon wandering and browsing, or with current technology, you can reserve a book online and they will have it ready for you. You can be in and out in just minutes!

I now use the library for most of my fiction reading. I will occassionally reread a novel, but for most things, once is enough and getting the book from the library saves me a lot of money.

Non-fiction is trickier though, especially if it is something that is related to my work. When I read non-fiction, I like to read with my highlighter ready to mark up anything that is particularly interesting. Librarians don't like that very much! Book collectors and librarians think that books should have pages that are free from markings, food smudges, etc. Being the child of a book collector, I know how to read a book and have it still look brand new when I am done. I also understand the value of a signed or rare edition. As a teacher and learner, I know that the books that have really been understood and enjoyed are the ones that are written all over and are a little more beaten up from traveling everywhere with the reader while he or she was reading it. (Side note to music teachers--If your students' lesson books are pristine, you can pretty much bet on the fact that they are not getting enough use at home.)

So basically it comes down to this for me: If I want entertainment and/or escape, I can borrow the book. If I want to really get something out of it, I need to buy it.
Here's an example: One of the 3 books I am currently reading is Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God Book One. I had 2 reasons for getting this one from the library. First, I had no money, and second, because I'm a bit of a skeptic. I have no problem with the idea of personal revelation, but I am a little cautious when someone says, "God told me to tell you..." You'll have to wait until I've finished for my full review, but what is important in the context of this blog is that even though I don't buy into everything he writes in the book, there are several places that I loved and that gave me new insights into what I believe. If I'd been able to use a highlighter and a pen while reading, I might have received even more inspiration of my own. This might just be a book that I have to buy after I read it.

So, when I have to buy a book, where do I go? Usually the only time I buy new books is if I have a gift card from Barnes and Noble or Borders. Yeah for gift cards! I love used book stores. Here in the suburbs, Half Price Books (they have gift cards too!) is the only place I've found. Like the name implies, their books are generally half off the cover price. That's a good deal, especially when you find older editions and the cover price was $1.65. I also love their clearance shelves with books for $1 or $2.

There are a few other used bookstores in Minneapolis that I love but don't get to very often anymore. The thing I love about used book stores is that you have to browse and in doing so you often find gems that you weren't even searching for. The drawback is that their stock is limited. They might not have a copy of what I really want.

That is where online shopping comes in. I've used amazon.com for both new and used purachases, but my new favorite is half.com. I've found some great deals there.

It is possible to build a great personal library on a budget. Most of the books I own were purchased used.

Now is your turn to share. Do you buy or borrow or do a little of both? If both, how do you decide which thing to buy and which to borrow?


-- Posted from my iPhone

It's August! Yeah! (I think.)

It's August, and August means that there are a zillion things I wanted to get done this summer that I haven't done yet. There are still items on my "To Do" list from August 2009 that aren't done yet. But, overall it's been a great summer and I've had some awesome experiences.
I kicked off my summer with a presentation on memorization at the MMTA Conference in June. I had a great time preparing and giving it, and except for having more material than time (even though I timed it a couple of times the week before) it went very well. My nerves showed up in the form of dry mouth, so I took a lot of drinks, but other than that, I felt good about it and got some positive feedback.

Summer lessons started the next week. I have over 40 students registered for summer lessons, but because of camps, vacations, etc., I'm lucky to give 20-30 lessons each week. I love my summer schedule. Monday is my day. Sometimes I use it for doctor's appointments or other errands, sometimes I clean (I've been doing a much better job of keeping up with the cleaning), and sometimes I just read and/or waste time. I've had Tai Chi classes on Monday nights, so I never waste the WHOLE day. I have pretty full teaching days on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then do half days on Thursday and Friday, leaving some time for the business side of teaching. Like I said, I love my summer schedule. I just wish I could afford to have this schedule year round.

In early July I went to SLC for the NATS Conference. Here's a cut and paste from the blog I started about that, but never finished and posted:
I'm back from my trip and trying to get caught up on everything and get ready to teach lessons again starting tomorrow. Overall, I had a good trip. I didn't plan as well as I should have, so I ended up spending more money than I should have and I missed seeing some friends. But, the lack of planning also gave me some flexibility that was really nice.

I spent much of my time at the convention with my friend Elizabeth.

On Sunday, July 4, my parents picked me up and we went to a family picnic where I got to see relatives on my mom's side that I haven't seen in years. I really need to to a better job of keeping in touch. I just get so caught up in trying to survive my own life that I don't take the time to keep up with others.
After the convention I rented a car and drove to Soda Springs, ID to see my parents, niece, and other relatives.
End cut and paste.

I also made a quick run up to Rexburg to spend more time with Elizabeth.

While I was with my family, I helped with some of the cleaning of their house. The previous renters left the kitchen in a pretty scary state, so that's where I spent my hours. You would not believe the scary stuff I cleaned off of that stove. The kitchen cupboards were not much better. It made me want to come home and really clean my house because if for any reason someone had to come clean it for me, I didn't want them thinking thoughts about me like those I was thinking of the previous occupants. How can people live with that filth?

I had jet lag (or extreme lack of energy and motivation) for the first couple of weeks after the trip, but then I finally kicked it in gear and have really accomplished a lot the last few weeks. Which is good since there is so much I haven't done yet.

I was really going to get back to eating healthily this summer, but that kind of went out the window while I was on my trip. Sunday I'm going sugar free and low carb again. It's not about the weight (although I really need to lose some). I just feel a lot better when I'm filling my body with good things. I had an amazing salad for dinner tonight from the co-op salad bar. I love salad anyway, but all organic just tastes great.

Another thing I was going to do this summer is get back to going to the gym regularly. It hasn't happened yet, but on the positive side, I have been taking the Tai Chi class once a week and getting in 1-3 other sessions on my own at home.

There are always ay least a million things I want to do over the summer to improve my teaching and my business. I have lots of things I picked up at NATS that I want to work into lessons. I've already started with a few things and I'm getting very positive responses from the kids.

Another goal has been to find more ways to make use of Music Teacher's Helper. I used it last year to set up my studio website and started using it for calendaring and billing, but entering all the data was taking too much time. I'm starting to experiment with ways to enter things during the student's lesson, thus saving me some time. This week I've been typing up lesson notes during the lesson and then emailing them immediately when I reconcile the lesson. The only drawback is that I have to take my laptop to and from school all the time, or leave it there and be computerless at home.

School starts in a little over a month. I've set a goal to enjoy August and not get stressed out. At the same time, I want to see if I can maintain this level if high productivity so that I start the school year strong.





-- Posted from my iPhone



-- Posted from my iPhone

Goals

Yesterday while searching for some notes I need for a presentation on Monday, I came across some goals I set sometime between December 1997 and December 1999. They included a 5 year plan and a 10 year plan. Since both dates have passed, I thought it might be interesting to evaluate how I did and see how different my life is from what I expected then.

5 year goals
1. Begin concert career. Health problems and financial issues derailed this plan. However, even though I'm not performing regularly right now, I am practing regularly, singing better than I ever have, and enjoying the whole process a lot more.

2. Full-time job with benefits OR enough income from teaching and gigs to pay my bills and create my own benefits package. I'm trying hard not to laugh here. I currently am self-employed. I do make enough to pay my bills and buy basic health insurance. Retirement savings, sick days, and paid vacation, however, are things I can only dream of.

3. Washer and dryer. This might seem like a silly goal, but it became a very important one to me. The money and time saved by having access to free laundry in my own home has greatly reduced my stress level. Yes, I was able to make my hours sitting in the laundry room productive, but I can do so much more when I am free to do anything I need to while my clothes are in the washer. Since 1999, I have been lucky enough to live in rentals with a washer and dryer in my home.

4. If married, consider children. When I wrote these goals, I really thought that both marriage and children were somewhere in my future. I love though that I said, "consider" children. Even then, I understood the dangers and difficulties of bearing and rearing children while dealing with my health issues. By using the word "consider", I left open the possibility that children might not be a realistic plan for my life. Also, although a friend had encouraged me to consider being a single parent if I hadn't met Mr. Right by the time I was 35, the wording of this goal clearly indicates that I did not want to choose to be a single parent. I know many wonderful single parents, and I'm confident that if forced into single parenting through death, divorce, etc., that I could make it work. However, I have no desire to start the journey knowing that I would do it all alone.
At this point in my life, the reality is that neither marriage or becoming a parent is likely to occur. I did struggle with that for awhile, but I'm OK with it now.

5. Car payed off. Accomplished!!!!

6. All belongings in the same state. This is another goal that might need a little explaining. When I moved to Minnesota in 1996, it was with the plan that I would be here for 2 years and then leave. Consequently, everything that was not essential to success in grad school was boxed up and stored at my parents' house in Idaho. I found myself having to buy things I already owned, but didn't have access to. Or I purchased cheap replacements thinking I would only use them for a short time and then I could get back to my good stuff. My kitchen was stocked with pans, dishes, etc. from the dollar store when I had high quality stuff in boxes in another state.
In 2003, my parents moved, so I took that opportunity to go home and get my stuff. However, after their move, they found a few more things of mine that somehow we had missed before. Consequently, most of my belongings are with me in MN, but some of my life is now in storage in WA.

10 year goals
1. Established performing career. (Much laughter here). I wouldn't mind performing more, but a career as a performer doesn't really even appeal to me anymore. See #1 under 5 year goals.

2. Good job, or private studio. See #2 above. Although I don't have benefits, and my income fluctuates depending on many factors out of my control, I really do have a good job. The situation is perfect for me since I have the recruiting power and collegial support that comes with being connected to an educational institution, but I have the autonomy of a private contactor. This year, the poor economy hit my studio pretty hard, so finacially this year has been a struggle, but I feel like I did really good work and improved my teaching and my studio in many ways.

3. Children??? See #4 above.

4. Credit card debt paid off. While in grad school, I used my credit card way too much to fill in the gaps between what school and life cost and the income I had from financial aid and part-time jobs. I accumulated an obscene amount of debt. I am happy to report that through working multiple jobs and lots of 12 hour days, I was able to pay off the credit cards and my car in about 5 years. For several years, I didn't even use a credit card. Unfortunately, with the extreme reduction in my income this year, I used my credit card to fill in some of the gaps. Though I'm not paying off the full balance every month like I would prefer to, I am paying much more than the minimum. I hope that by cutting out a few things this summer and taking more students in the fall that I will be able to get out of this mess before it becomes too big to handle. Going back to the insane schedule I had while paying off the huge debt is not currently an option. Yes, I was making good money, but at a major sacrifice to my physical, mental, and spiritual health. One of my new goals is to try to find some kind of balance where I'm healthy and happy and free from debt.

5. Buy a house. This is still something that I would like to do, but the realities of my money situation have made this more of a dream than an actual goal. I simply don't have the funds for a down payment or to take care of all the home maintenance issues that are currently covered by my rent.

6. New piano--baby grand. (More laughter). I don't have the space or money for a spinet, much less a baby grand. Yes, it would be nice, but I spend so much time at school now that it is easy to just do my practicing there. I really don't need a piano of my own.

7. Begin retirement savings. See all the other statements about my lack of funds. I keep trying, but everytime I get a little money put away, an emergency arises and it just makes more sense to pay that off now and worry about retirement later. My current retirement plan is to teach until I am in my mid 90's and then drop dead during a lesson. (Or maybe right after a lesson so I don't permanently traumatize a student.)

8. New car. This plan has been revised. My 98 Saturn has over 120,000 miles on it and is still doing great. I plan to keep driving it until it completely dies, or the cost of repairing it exceeds the cost of a new car. The gas mileage is good, and why should I replace something that works just fine. Sure, it's not luxury, but it serves its function quite well.

I'm considering drawing up new 5 and 10 year plans for my life, and I may actually do it. But, there is another part of me that really wants to just relax and see what life brings.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Waiting

Sometimes I start to think that if I am not busy doing something that I'm wasting time. Using that logic, I've wasted a lot of time over the last month. Since I fell a month ago, I haven't really "accomplished" much. I do think that the accident triggered a fibromyalgia flare up. I've definitely experienced more pain and tension, even in parts of my body that were "unaffected" by the fall.

I've also been rating high on some of the warning signs of depression, which is also linked to fibromyalgia. It's not the "woe is me. My life is so miserable" kind of depression. It's the kind where all you want to do is sleep, but you don't sleep well; the kind where nothing can hold your attention; the kind where nothing motivates you. I've always been lucky that even in my worst times dealing with depression I have been able to make myself go to work and do my job, and I have been able to do that this time around too. But beyond that, all I've really done is read a couple of books (and I can't even focus enough to do that now) and watch Star Trek videos.

So what do a fibromyalgia flare up and depression have to do with waiting, you ask. Here's the thing: I often think of them as something to get through, to get out of, but I'm starting to realize all that they can teach me. And it's not just about how I need to take better care of myself, which I know already.

Sometimes these quiet times of accomplishing nothing are really times of openness--times to observe and collect information without needing to process it or use it immediately. And then when sufficient data has been stored, the connections begin to fall into place and the deeper meaning of it all becomes clear, without any real work on my part.

I believe in the power of fasting and prayer. I believe that they work because they alter our consciousness in a way that allows us to be open, to see things in a new way, to be guided by powers greater than our own. I think that in some ways, these mild episodes of depression work in a similar way, allowing me to process things differently, to quiet all the noise of the world and listen to what I need to do and be.

I've always had very vivid dreams, and last night I had one that brought everything that has happened these last few weeks into focus. I'm not one of those people that thinks that every dream has deep meaning, but this one did. It really helped me to see who I need to become and what I need to be doing with me life. And I know the dream wouldn't have occurred without the experiences of the last few weeks.

So yes, I do need to get up off my couch and clean my house, but I also need to know when not to fight this, when to just wait it out and be open to the revelation.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Broken bones and life lessons

I fell on Monday, caught myself with my left arm, and broke it. The good news is that the break is right at the elbow and it's a type of break that heals very quickly. I just have to wear a sling for 2-3 weeks.

Everything is complicated when you only have 1 good arm. So far I'm doing pretty well. I can still do most things. They just take a lot more time, patience and focus. In a way, that is good because it reminds me to be present and focus on what I am doing right at that moment. I'm also becoming much more aware of how certain movements and postures affect the bad arm.

Here are some of my major accomplishments in this one- handed adventure:

Chopped vegetables

Shampooed my hair-- but I did waste some shampoo figuring out how to make it work.

Flossed my teeth--OK, I did cheat a little. I'm not using regular floss. I bought those floss picks. I hate them, but it's better than not flossing.

Cut up meat.

Typed up this blog (and several emails) holding the phone in my right hand and typing with the thumb of that hand. That may not be impressive to those of a younger generation, but I've never been able to do it, and now I can because I must.

Isn't is funny how life works that way. We learn by doing what needs to be done.

Here are a few things that I need to figure out still:

How to put my hair up or in a pony tail. I wear it down most of the time at work, but I like to get it out of the way at home.

How to use a pepper mill. This has been tricky. I have been able to get some pepper out, but it has been really hard.

How to shave under my right arm pit with my right hand.

And here are the things that I just plain can't do and need to learn to live without for awhile:

Tai Chi

Playing the piano with both hands. For now, it's right hand alone.

Really, there isn't much I can't do if I'm patient, creative, and have enough time. And that's another life lesson.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Learner vs. learned

"In times of change, learners inherit the world - while the learned remain beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." --Eric Hoffer

I just found this quote and I love it. To me, this quote means that to know a lot is great and wonderful, but in order to really grow and thrive, we need to keep learning. Learning must be an ongoing process. We can't depend on the knowledge we gained last week, or last year. We have to keep learning the things that will help us right now.

To be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God. 2 Nephi 9:26
All the knowledge of the world is useless unless we can be open to new knowledge (from God or any other source) that enables us accomplish the things that are most important at that time. But, no knowledge is ever wasted. Everything we know provides a foundation for what we will learn in the future. Everything we encounter is colored by what we know.

One of the things I love about being a singer is that every time I sing a song it is different from any other time I have sung it. Each performance is colored by the new things I have learned about my voice and my life experiences. To expect or even desire to give a performance that is just like another is not only not realistic, it also will lead to stagnant, boring performances. Performances are fresh and engaging when we've practiced and learned all the details, but then allow ourselves to be open to the needs, emotions, and energy of the moment--to learn and experience as we go.

I am learned. I hope to always remain a learner.

I learned something new

Today, I learned that one possible cause of nasality is huge tonsils. A student was really struggling today and no matter what I asked her to do, we could not get rid of the nasality. Finally I sent her to the mirror to see what her tongue looks like in the ng position and what it looks like down. I looked too and realized that even with her tongue down, it is touching her huge tonsils and there is hardly any space back there.

Anyway, now I know to check tonsils when nasality is a major problem.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Meaningless Words

My 9th grade English teacher hated the word "nice". She said it was a meaningless word and there were far better words to use.

There are a lot of meaningless words in my life. But, it's not that these words have no meaning as much as the fact that I just can't connect with them. I can give you a definition, but it doesn't mean any thing to me. Unfortunately, several of those words are pretty big and important concepts at church. I could give a rather impressive lesson, quoting all the right definitions, reading the right scriptures, and helping others relate to the concept, and still feel no real connection to it.

This is the first in a series of posts about my search for personal meaning in these words.

This week's topic is grace. The part of the definition that I can connect with and understand is divine help or strength. I also love the fact that grace can also mean beauty and charm, as well as thanks. I found an article on grace that explained how all of those definitions are part of a larger whole. It also dealt with grace as related to salvation and whether or not we earn grace. My brain was about to explode, so I decided to come back to that later. (Funny thing-I've been reading 2 books on neuroscience this week and did just fine, but the Bible Dictionary and this other article on grace was more than my brain could handle.)

What I can appreciate and handle and understand today is this: Grace is divine help or strength. I've seen it, and I've felt it. I need it. Grace is beauty. There is so much of it in the world if we can look past the ugliness of bigotry and hate. Grace is thanks. I feel thankful.

My goal for this week is not to totally get it, but to see the kind of grace that I do understand in the things around me.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Filling Our Spiritual Lamps Through Scripture Study

A couple of months ago, I was asked to give a 5 minute talk on scripture study at an event in early March. I thought it wouldn't be too hard and immediately started brainstorming and writing my ideas on a list on the fridge. Then, about a week before the event, the person sent me an email saying, "Are you still able to talk about filling our spiritual lamps through scripture study?" My first thought was Yuck! Matthew 25.

I hate the story of the virgins and the lamps. Intellectually, I understand the principle that Jesus was trying to teach, but so many other things bug me about the story that sometimes it is hard to focus on that main idea. Even the idea of preparation for meeting the Savior at some point in the future bugs me a little.

Let me explain. For most of the first 35 years of my life, I endured and suffered through a lot, knowing that it was only temporary and that it would end. And of course, the difficult thing always did end, AND was followed by something else that I just had to get through. Finally I was tired of suffering through life in hopes of not suffering in the future and I decided that I needed things that helped me to be happy, healthy, and spiritually connected today, right now. So back to Matthew 25--At this point in my life, I cannot prepare for the Second Coming as some future event. I need to find ways to know Jesus Christ today.

So, I set out to try to find a way to tie in the topic of the meeting--Filling Our Spiritual Lamps--with something that makes sense to me. I thought about the lamp--What is its function? Why do I need it? Lamps give light. Light is something I need every single day. I could talk about filling our lamps in terms of daily inspiration and guidance. Instead of Matthew 25, my scripture focus became Psalms 119:105:

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

By the way, I really liked the way they chose to frame this topic for the meeting. The Relief Society president read from this talk.

Steadfast and Immovable, Always Abounding in Good Works

I really liked Elder Bednar's comments, especially since they fit so well with my idea of needing to fill my lamp daily for use now.

Here is the basic text of my talk, plus a really long list of possible ways to study the scriptures.

Being a Scripture Chase champion or clocking 12,775 hours of scripture study will not make you Christlike or guarantee your place in the Celestial Kingdom. Scripture study is not something we can check off on our "Checklist for Perfection". And if it is only another "should", it will be a source of guilt and frustration.

For me, filling our lamps isn't just about preparing for an event that will happen at some point in the future, or even about checking off an item on our "should" list. Filling my lamp is about finding the light and strength that I need to get through each day. Reading, studying and pondering my scriptures is a way of refocusing on who I am, what I believe, and what I want to do and be.

The motivation and desire to study the scriptures must come from within you. Others may encourage you or challenge you, but ultimately, what you receive from your scripture study depends on what you personally are seeking.

The worst thing that ever happened to my scripture study was when my stake president challenged us to read for 30 minutes every day. I became overwhelmed and discouraged. My regular scripture study fell apart because I couldn't find the time for a 30 minute session, so I just didn't do it. What made it even harder for me was that I really liked my stake president and knew that he was inspired to give us this challenge, which made me feel even more guilty about not being able to make it work in my life.

I recently added up all the little things that my doctors, therapists, and church leaders say are everyday essentials. It came to 26 hours. I can't do it all, and I'm starting to be OK with not doing it all, as long as I'm doing something and moving in the right direction.

Recently, my scripture study has improved as I've started to apply a concept that had worked very well in other parts of my life: I need to explore many different methods and approaches and then find the one that works for me. The tricky part is that the one that works varies depending on my current life situation. It is also essential that I remember that a little is better than nothing.

What follows is a list of scripture study possibilities. There is not one "right" way. Your right way is the one that helps you to find the light, peace, and understanding that you need at that moment.

• Memorize a scripture.
  o A person I know prints off a verse of scripture that speaks to him and takes it with him when he runs. He then spends his entire run memorizing and pondering that verse.
  o Write a favorite scripture on a Post-it, place it somewhere that you will read it often, and leave it there until you have that scripture memorized.
• Pair reading/studying with a task you do daily.
  o A woman I know brushes her teeth while she reads and says that her dental health and spirituality have increased.
  o I also know of people who read while they eat their lunch or during the bus ride to work.
• Journal or blog about your scriptural insights. Writing it down preserves those ideas and inspirations for times when you're not feeling inspired. (I had not intended to make this blog about spiritual topics, but I've been surprised at how often I want to write about something I am studying.)
• Read straight though one of the standard works to help you see the big picture and understand the context in which the concepts were taught.
• Study by topic.
  o Use the dictionary to better understand the meaning of the word.
  o Look up all the cross references.
  o Use the Bible Dictionary and Topical Guide.
  o See if the topic is covered in Preach My Gospel, Gospel Principles, Institute manuals and other church books.
  o Look for hymns that address the topic and study those as well.
  o For topic ideas, you can use articles from the church magazines, the Church News, and Mormon Times. You can respond to something that resonates with you, or something that you don't understand or don't agree with.
  o Search for related church materials at lds.org.
  o Google it. You can gain profound insights from people of other faiths. Even if what you find is not doctrinally correct, seeing another perspective can help clarify what you believe.
• While studying Preach My Gospel, Relief Society lessons, or Sunday School lessons, stop to look up the references and maybe even check the cross references on those.
• When pondering/studying a scripture, ask yourself 3 things: 1. What is the context in which this was revealed? What did it mean to the people at that time and place? 2. What does this mean to church members in general? What have the prophets and general authorities said about it? 3. What does this mean to me right now, in my current situation?
• Use the hymns as part of your study.
  o Hymns can provide insights.
  o Singing can help bring the Spirit.
  o Music can express what words alone cannot.
  o At the bottom of each hymn, you will find 2 scripture that tie in with the message of the hymn. You can also search for hymns by topic, or look for hymns related to certain scriptures.
• Make a list of "Feel Good Favorites" for days when your regular plan just isn't inspiring you. Keep that list in your scriptures.
• Mark up your scriptures.
  o If you've already underlined something you like, then highlight it or box it in a different color to indicate that it touched you more than once.
  o Write insights and related quotes in the margins.
  o Your scriptures are not a collector's item. These pages should show wear and have writing all over them and maybe even a little food that you spilled when you were eating and reading at the same time.
• Try reading the scriptures in a foreign language. This not only helps me stay focused, but I gain new understanding of both the language and the scripture as I ponder the words chosen for the translation.
• Some topics, parables, or verses may bother you. Don't let yourself get sucked into the frustration. You don't have to understand it all and love it all right now. Find one good thing you can take from it and move on, trusting that at another point in time you may find a way to make sense of it.
• Listen to the scriptures while you are in your car running errands, commuting, etc.
• Read online.
• Get a scriptures app for your phone.
  
  For further reading:
• Yoshihiko Kikuchi, “Opening the Heavens,” Ensign, Aug 2009, 34–38
• Russell M. Nelson, “Living by Scriptural Guidance,” Ensign, Nov 2000, 16–18
• L. Lionel Kendrick, “Search the Scriptures,” Ensign, May 1993, 13
• David A. Bednar, “Because We Have Them before Our Eyes,” New Era, Apr 2006, 2–7
• Julie B. Beck, “My Soul Delighteth in the Scriptures,” Ensign, May 2004, 107
• 2 Nephi 31:20
• 2 Nephi 4:15

ACDA Conference

Someday, I would like to have amazing professional enrichment events that don't cost more than I can afford and don't leave me exhausted and feeling unprepared for returning to work. But I know that that will never happen in my life time, so I just have to make the best of it.

Wednesday through Saturday of last week, I attended an amazing conference in Minneapolis. At this point, I think it was totally worth all the money I spent, but we'll see how I feel when I see the total amount I put on my credit card. In addition to hearing amazing music, I was able to attend sessions by Alice Parker (major choral arranger), Eric Whitacre (amazing composer), and The Real Group. If you don't know The Real Group, check them out on YouTube. They gave a fabulous concert on Thursday night, and also did a couple of sessions on Wednesday during Immersion Day. I really enjoyed their performing, but was also really impressed with them as people and as educators. The worst thing about the conference was that I couldn't attend everything. I know I missed several wonderful sessions either because I was in another session at that time or I was just too tired to go.

I'm also really worn out and my house is a disaster. I've been home only long enough to add to the mess, not clean it up. I could be cleaning right now, but I just don't have the energy. I did manage to wash the sheets and make sure I have clean clothes for tomorrow. That will have to be good enough.

The next week is a busy one as we prepare for All-State auditions on Friday. Sometime soon I've also got to do my taxes and get my info in for the presentation I'm doing at the MMTA Convention in June. At least I never have time to be bored.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

No, this is not a movie review. But the title was one of the things I thought about when reviewing my current situation.

The Good--I will not be wearing make-up for a few days. Those of you that only see me at church probably thought that I never wear make-up, but I really do on most days, just not on my days off work.


I hate almost everything about make-up. I don't like the extra time it takes when I'm getting ready. I don't like taking it off. It seems like an awful waste of money. I resent the fact that people judge you on your outward beauty, therefore forcing us to at least make an attempt at the world's idea of beauty. So you see, I find not wearing make-up quite freeing and empowering. Plus I feel a little rebellious since two of my voice teachers that I really respect made a point of telling me how important it is to wear make-up every day.


The Bad-- The reason I cannot wear make-up right now is because of an ugly patch of dry skin/rash stuff that reacts horribly to anything I put on it. 4 days without makeup cleared it up, and then wearing make-up on Monday made it worse again. Besides looking awful, it itches so bad that I'm about to go insane. The insanity and the fact that I look like death is starting to affect my teaching (although I'm not sure if it is in good or bad ways.) Kids are asking what's wrong, which is OK. They are also really trying hard to do what I ask this week. Maybe having them feel sorry for me is not a bad thing.


The Ugly--The red, scaly, swollen patches of skin, plus the lack of make-up really does make me look like death. This wonderful self-portrait, caught mid-blink, gives you an idea of what my colleagues and students had to look at all day.







Does everyone feel bad for me now? Here's a slightly more attractive shot. Don't you wish you were me?

Hard Hearts and Closed Minds

Today, I read this:
"And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word..." Alma 12:10

And being the articulate, thoughtful person that I am I said,"Well, duh!" If you don't let it in, you are not going to get anything from it. For the first time, I made the connection that hard hearts are closed minds, and hearts that are not hard are open minds. Sometimes we miss out on the greater portion of the word because we've already decided the one and only thing that it can mean and we close ourselves off to all other possibilities.

"I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little" 2 Nephi 2:30 (Italics are mine.)

We talk a lot in church about the "line upon line" part, but it seems like we interpret the "here a little" part as referring to different times. My personal belief is that it also refers to different places and sources. Are we willing to open ourselves to truth from a source other than an approved church manual? The gospel encompasses all truth, and I believe that that includes some things that we don't talk about at church.

"Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more!" 2 Nephi 28:27

Hopefully I won't offend too many people here, but I worry about people that read only their scriptures, or maybe books published by Deseret Book. Yes, there is a wealth of information and truth there, but there is amazing truth outside of that narrow focus as well. My testimony has been strengthened by reading the writings of Pope John Paul II, Mother Teresa, Jimmy Carter, Mary Baker Eddy and others. No, I don't agree with them on everything, but they have brought light and truth to my life. For me, 2 Nephi 28:27, in addition to addressing the issue of continuing revelation, addresses the need to look outside ourselves and the truths within an easy reach. It invites us to continue questioning and searching and growing. It invites us to open our minds and hearts to truth.

I should have seen this coming!

I've probably written this post before, or at least one very similar. And I'll probably write it at least a few more times before I finally quit being so stupid.

Fibromyalgia is my friend. It warns me when I'm doing too much and pushing myself too far. I've been majorly stressed since getting back to work after the holidays. There have just been too many things to do and not enough time and energy. To be honest, there have been a few good days here and there, but sometimes that's not such a good thing as I push myself even harder when I feel well.

Last week was pretty much a full fibromylagia flare up. The pain and tension were way up and the energy was way down. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it to someone that hasn't lived it. It's not just about being tired. Even fatigued doesn't quite describe it. I was so weak that a couple of times I wasn't sure I could walk. I did, but it took a lot of effort. Then there was Wednesday night while I was waiting for my takeout at Noodles. (No time to cook between work and meetings.) All I had to do was stand there and wait. I just about fell over and had to grab the wall to steady myself.

But my fibromylagia flare up isn't what this post is really about. The post is about me being stupid and not listening to my body's cries for rest. I'm on the planning committee for a major event that happens on Feb. 5. (Check out the website at www.voicesofhopemn.org). There were things that had to happen this week. I couldn't just put them off. So I did them. And because I failed to listen to my body's warnings, it had to take more drastic measures. It always does. When I don't listen to the pain and the fatigue and do something about it, my body resorts to its only other option in trying to get me to rest--it lets the germs take over.

Well, I got plenty of rest today because every time I got up to do something I felt like crap. The thing that really annoyed me was that when I was in bed, I didn't feel sick enough to just lie around wasting time. I did manage to accomplish a few things today, but none of the things that really needed to get done. I can probably allow myself most of Sunday to continue recovering, but once Monday hits, I have no choice. I have to work and get this stuff done. There are no times left in the schedule for make up lessons and I can't just refund the money since I really need it. The event will happen whether I get my stuff done or not, but the responsible part of me won't let me drop the ball at this point.

So either I get really healthy with my one more day of rest, or next weekend I'll be really, really sick. Why do I do this?

Tests and Trials

Nearly 2 years behind schedule, Boeing began a 10 month test flight program in December on their new 787 Dreamliner. A lot is riding on the success or failure of this plane. They have already received orders for 840 planes at an official cost of $150 million per plane. Boeing is a major employer in the Seattle area and many, many lives are affected by what happens at Boeing. The first flight was a success and everything went as planned. The second flight however had some minor difficulties with the landing gear. Did they label the 787 a failure and scrap the whole project? Of course not! They expected there to be some problems. That is what the test flights are about--to see how the plane performs under a variety of circumstances, and if it doesn't perform as expected, to keep tweaking it until it does.

The link below tells more about the second flight and also has some great quotes that I will be referring to.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/boeingaerospace/2010568452_secondflight23.html

So why all this stuff about Boeing? Today I had a mini-inspiration and Boeing's story seemed like a great way to explain it. Today in church, the person giving the Invocation said something to the effect of "we know this life is a trial," referring of course to our belief that this life is a test to see if we will prove ourselves worthy of all that the Father has to give us. As he said it though, my thought was "this life is a trial-run, a chance to see if we are ready for the real thing."

As I've mentioned before, I'm in the process of reframing a lot of what I learned at church as a child. I think that I ended up with a lot of ideas that weren't necessarily doctrine, or even what those teaching me intended me to get. We learn through the filter of our own personal experiences and personalities. I was born a perfectionist and a rule keeper. Everything was black and white. I do believe that this was part of who I came to this earth as, part of my personality, and not just what I was being taught.

To me, tests and trials were about judgement, pass or fail, good enough or not good enough. I was frustrated that people kept telling me to think about the eternal perspective and that the difficulties of this life didn't matter much in the context of eternity. Our lives were just a tiny point in the line of our existence. Then in the next breath, they would say that this life is our one chance. If you do well, you get the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. If not, well it doesn't really matter what happens if not, because if you are not in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, you have failed and will not be able to progress. You have one life and only one, and when you are dead there are no more chances to change. We are here to prove to ourselves, not all-knowing God, where we really belong.

Or at least that is what I thought they were saying to me.

The slightly more mature me sees trials and tests as learning experiences. Pass or fail is not as important as what you gain from the experience. It is in the process of getting there that we learn what we need to know. And so when I thought about life as a trial run, it just made sense. Heavenly Father has promised us all that he has, but he has to know that we can handle it. Life isn't a one time pass or fail. It is a series of test flights. Some are successful and some...well, not so much. Each of these flights gives Heavenly Father a chance to see where we are and what we need to become like him. It's not all or nothing. He's not going to scrap the project. He will (and we should) keep tweaking it and fixing the little things until all is as it should be.

Now for the quotes:

Aviation-safety expert John Nance, upon hearing a description of the problems based on recordings of the flight's radio chatter, said they sounded "pretty straightforward. ... These are things you always have on a test flight."

Did you catch that? "These are things you always have on a test flight." ALWAYS. Nobody is perfect. We should expect some mistakes and difficulties.

A company statement said, "It's important to remember that flight-test programs are conducted to identify and solve issues as they arise."

"To identify and solve issues," not to condemn, not to declare a failure, but to get to the heart of the problem and do something about it.

Here's another thing I heard in church today, "Heavenly Father doesn't expect you to be perfect, he expects you to try."

My latest binge food

I am happy to announce that I've done extrememely well avoiding that list of foods that I seem to have no control over. You remember them: cookies, cakes, candies, pies, french fries, white bread, potato chips. Basically, I've cut out all junk food and it really helps, but there is a deeper issue. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm stressed, like I have been for the last few weeks, my eating gets out of control.

I need comfort foods. Today it was blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese. I think I had enough today to count the blueberries as a serving of fruit. Scary, but true. Rationing doesn't work. If it's in the house, I eat it. So I guess, another beloved favorite is being added to the list of things that I can't bring home.

In a counseling session once, it was recommended that when I am eating emotionally, I should substitute a healthier food for the bad one. I do like carrots, but I'm sorry, they just don't cut it when you need something to calm you down. Carrots are not a substitute for potato chips or gold fish.

What I really need to do is get back to exercising every day and doing my deep breathing exercises. Both do a lot to help me keep my stress, eating, and weight in check. I know it. I just need to do it. The good news is that I went to the gym tonight. I didn't stay long, but I do feel better.

If you have ideas for great low-cal comfort foods, please let me know. I want foods that are warm, flavorful and creamy. I actually found a really good low-cal butternut squash soup that seems to satisfy that need for comfort food.

Baggage vs. Experience

Just reading the title of the blog inspired me. In the blog, the author talks about baggage vs. experience in terms of singing and teaching. I love the things she has to say, but I wanted to take it further and explore what those terms mean in my life and how they affect how I live. If you are interested in what she had to say, you can read her blog here.
Once More With Feeling: Baggage versus Experience

Baggage
--burdens that trap us in the past.
--things that weigh us down and keep us from moving forward.
--heavy.
--keeps us focused on our own problems.
--things we can't let go of.
--bondage.
--makes us fear the future.
--makes us victims.
Here are two great definitions from the dictionary--"superfluous or intrusive things or circumstances", "outmoded theories or practices."

Do we have too many "things" in our lives that keep us from seeing and doing what we need to see and do right now? How often do we continue with the old methods of coping even though they clearly aren't working any more?


I keep thinking about the rule we used for international choir trips--you only pack as much as you can run through the airport with. When we are hauling too much baggage, we are too slow and miss opportunities for wonderful things because as the plane leaves for the adventure, we are still trying to get one of those stupid carts loaded up with all the bags full of stuff we thought we couldn't live without.


I keep thinking of Matthew 11:28-30. I know I've written about it before and I probably will again because it is such a powerful statement. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden..." That sounds like an invitation to people that are carrying too much baggage. And in this world, you don't have to look for baggage, it finds you. Baggage comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a natural disaster, like the recent earthquake in Haiti. Sometimes it is abuse--physical, emotional, or sexual. Sometimes we pick up baggage when someone offends us. And sometimes the offense occurs without any intent on their part. Sometimes baggage is a physical or mental illness. Sometimes the baggage is a list of "shoulds" that belong to someone else.

I teach in a school that as a whole is extremely privileged. But as you start to look at individual lives, you see the horrendous baggage that has been thrown at these kids. I have several students that qualify for accomodations under the Federal Disabilities Act. I have had students with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I heard that there is a family living in their car--in Minnesota in the winter!

Life is hard and we have no control over the baggage that is thrown at us. We do have some control over what we decide to pick up and carry with us long term. We also have some control over when we choose to set it down. Notice that I said "some control". It would be nice if it was as easy as just surrendering the baggage to God, but even that is not as easy as it sounds. The process of changing that baggage into something that helps us grow and move forward is time consuming and work intensive, but ultimately so much better. Unfortunately, I can't give you the formula since every person must process every piece of baggage in a way unique to that person and situation.


Experience
--what we have learned from the past.
--things that open the door to a better future.
--allows us to reach out and help others.
--things we own, but do not allow to control us.
--freedom.
--helps us trust the future.
--makes us survivors.

My favorite dictionary definitition of experience is "knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events."

When I think of experience, two scriptures come to mind. The first is Doctrine and Covenants Section 122 vs. 7: "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. "

That is some serious baggage being thrown at you, but the Lord is telling us that even with all of that, it is possible to learn and grow from it.

The other scripture is 2 Corinthians Chapter 4: 8-9, 17: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed...For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."

I've always been just a little jealous of people with perfect faith. Yes, I do know people who really can look at things like Paul did. Logically, I know from past experience that I will survive whatever it is that life is throwing at me and that there is the potential to learn and grow from this experience, but it is a lot harder for me to find that peace--to let the event become experience instead of baggage.

I've been fascinated recently by what I've been reading about the brain and how it works. There are two things specifically related to this baggage and experience topic that have interested me. First, some brains naturally function in a way that promotes the faith and peace that Paul displayed, and other brains tend naturally toward fear and mistrust. The second thing that impressed me is how much we can change the way our brains and the brains around us function by making conscious choices. Yes, I've just simplified it incredibly, there's much more to it than that, but I love the idea that yes, the choices we make are affected by our biology, but our choices also affect our biology. We may be given baggage, but we have the power to change it into experience--to make it into something better.

I used to carry a lot of baggage. I've understood the experience principle and even used it well in some circumstances. For example, I have asthma, which is not great for a singer, but I have learned how to live with it and sing with it, and I have been able to share that knowledge with my students with asthma. Other kinds of baggage are harder to let go of or transform. There are still some things I need to let go of, but when I started thinking about baggage and experience last night, I was pleasantly surprised to realize how much of the baggage I have been able to get rid of.

I am who I am. My past is my past and cannot be changed. I can own my past including all the baggage whether that baggage is of my own making or thrust upon me, but owning it doesn't mean giving it control over my life now. It means acknowledging it and finding a way to make my life better, not in spite of the bad things, but because of them, by embracing them and learning from them.

One last random thought for today. God doesn't want us to have baggage. That mountain of stuff stands between us, keeping us from feeling His love and keeping us from growing. Experience is what He wants for us. Experience is what brings us closer to our divine potential.

Highs and Lows

This week I have done some amazing things and some really dumb things.

Monday and Tuesday were great days. I made a bunch of phone calls I have been putting off (I hate the telephone) and scheduled doctor appointments and an appointment to get my car serviced. Also in a moment of what I'm sure was complete insanity, I signed up for a Tai Chi class, emailed someone to let them know that I will be attending a Singles Conference this weekend, and signed up for the U of MN mini-medical school. I'm kind of glad that I was slightly manic and not really thinking things through, because if registering for those things had been on the list of things to do today, I might have been to overwhelmed to commit to them. Tai Chi starts Jan. 25 and goes for several Monday nights and then the mini-medical school lectures are the several Monday nights after that. Both are things that I've wanted to do for a long time, but this is the first time that they have been offered at a time that I'm not teaching.

Monday I also set up a massage appointment. Yes, it's another expense and I'm trying to trim the budget, and no, it is not a luxury. It is an investment in my health. Several years ago I was getting regular massages and they helped with the pain management a lot. I had my massage on Tuesday and have another set up for next week. Again, I'm glad I was feeling good enough that I didn't stop to think about all the reasons I really shouldn't do this. I really should. It helps and that is reason enough. I'll trim the budget in other areas.

Now on to the not so good days. I'm on the organizing committee for a major fund-raiser that happens on Feb. 5. For more details on it, go to www.voicesofhopemn.org . It is going to be amazing, but the part of it that I am taking care of is getting frustrating for me. It's mostly because I have people that I need to get things to by a certain date, but I can't do that until I received information from other people and the date that I will get that just keeps getting pushed further and further back. I do realize that I overplan. I want to have a plan to cover every little thing that might come up. I'm a firm believer that if you cover all your bases, you can change that plan if needed, but at least you have an idea of what is going on. I'm working with someone that I totally love and she is amazing with creating energy and excitement for projects like these, but her style is a little more "fly by the the seat of your pants," and that is stressing me out a little. I know that everything will turn out all right in the end, but that didn't help me sleep any better last night. It took me several hours to wind down after our meeting and then I woke up thinking about it again this morning.

Because I let the fund-raiser frustration take over my brain, I heard myself say something totally inappropriate this morning. It was very out of character for me. I immediately apologized, but still I can't believe I even let it happen. I believe that as much as possible our interactions with our students should be positive ones. We correct, but we never belittle or do anything to make them feel that who they are as a person is wrong. (I had that experience with a teacher, and it taught me that I never want my students to feel that way.) But today, the part of my brain that is in charge of monitoring those communications wasn't working. A student was walking down the hall toward me to come to her lesson. She said, "My books are in my locker. Do you want me to go get them?"

My response should have been, "Yes. And please hurry." Instead I said, "(insert name), that was a DUMB question. It's your voice lesson. Of course you need your books." I don't believe in dumb questions, or I didn't, but that really was one. However, I should never have responded that way. I immediately apologized, but have thought about it several times during the day wondering how I could have changed that. Like I said, there was no thought process before it came out my mouth. The thought and the words happened at exactly the same time. That's something I get on these kids for, not something a mature adult should be doing. Anyway, I hope that I can learn to deal with my stress and frustration better so that I don't end up in "blurt mode" anymore.

Enchilada Madness

I just remembered why I don't make my amazing enchiladas very often. In fact, I think it has been over 6 months since I did. Why, you ask, would anyone avoid making such a great meal? It's actually a little bit of a long story.

As I've mentioned before, there are some foods (like sugar, bread, chips, french fries, etc.) that I just can't eat in moderation. The sugar, bread, etc. I've decided just not to eat. I'm actually happier without any at all than I am when I try to eat responsibly. My enchiladas just may have moved into that category.

When I cook, I really cook. I usually make double or triple batches of things and freeze the extras for lunches later. My recipe for the enchiladas is actually a smaller version that I figured out from my friend's recipe. She makes this to feed 30 or more people. Yesterday I made enchiladas--a lot of enchildas. Here's the problem though--it's easier to separate them and cut them into smaller portion sizes after they have cooled, and I didn't get that done yesterday. So in addition to eating several yesterday, I had them for breakfast lunch and dinner today as well, and sadly, at dinner I just kept going back for more. I was full, but I couldn't stop. They say that after the first few bites you don't really taste it anymore, but that is so not true. The last bites were absolutely every bit as yummy as the first few.

The good news is that the leftovers have now been frozen in single portion sizes (and for some reason I don't pull another out of the freezer if I want more.) The bad news is that after I've finished up eating this batch, the enchiladas might have to join the "Don't eat it at all" group. Either that, or I need to freeze them immediately (which might not work.)

Lame blog, I know, but that is where my life is right now. I did a great job of not eating a lot of junk over the holidays and then I came home and overdid it with the enchiladas. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day and I can start again.

My Christmas Vacation

Every time I get a few days away from work, I have a huge list of things that I want to get done. And almost always, I return to work without accomplishing as much as I had hoped. It used to frustrate me and I felt a lot of anxiety in the last 12 hours or so before returning to work. I'm learning to let go of that. My house isn't clean yet, but I had a good break. And, I have a full fridge and freezer, the laundry is almost done, and I already prepped for lessons tomorrow, so the most important things are done.

As I packed to go to my parents' house, I purposely packed lightly knowing that I could do laundry there and that I needed to save room in the suitcase for the presents I would be bringing home. When I got to their house, I found out that their washer was broken. Great! My brother ordered a part, but we all ran out of clean clothes and towels before the part arrived. It's a good thing my parents have a minivan, because we filled it with laundry to take to the laundromat. My mom and dad and I spent the morning at the laundromat. It was actually kind of fun, but also reminded me how glad I am to have a washer and dryer in my home. I don't miss the days of having to go to the laundromat. Their washer was fixed by the time I left, but I didn't get a chance to do laundry there, so I brought home a suitcase full of dirty clothes. The last load just went in the dryer.

Health problems and work schedules changed some of our usual ways of celebrating. We still went to see the lights in the park, but Dad and one brother didn't come because they both have back problems and have trouble sitting that long. We almost always go to a movie together, but the ones that looked good were too long for the guys with the bad backs and the other brother with kidney stones. My sister-in-law had to work on Christmas, so we did our dinner and opened presents on Christmas Eve. I did kind of like that, although we didn't do our usual Christmas Eve singing. Christmas was quieter and calmer.

The really great part of Christmas was that even though I received lots of foods on my "don't eat" list as gifts and stocking stuffers, I didn't eat any(quietly snuck them into the communal bowl) and came home without gaining any more weight. Yeah! Plus, I didn't have to worry about the pain and emotional roller coaster that comes when I have too much sugar.

During my break, I rested (a lot), read 3 books and part of another, watched hours of TV (I figure it's OK to waste a lot of time like this during break since I don't even own a TV), ran errands and went shopping with my parents, memorized two more songs for my recital, and had several fun game nights with the family. They get together once a week for family night, so they get to play a lot of games all year, but I'm only there once a year, so they humor me and play more than once a week. This year, my brother bought the family Phase 10 Twist. We love Phase 10 and have played it for years, but sometimes it takes way to long to finish a game. This is somewhat shorter, and still a lot of fun. I think I laugh more during family game nights than any other time during the year. Laughter is good.

This next year will bring a lot of changes for my family. My dad will probably take an early retirement at the end of the year for health reasons. Dad is talking about moving soon after that because of the high cost of living where they are now. Mom teaches music lessons and would like to continue for a few more years, but is concerned about giving up all her current students and starting over in a new place. It takes a long time to build a studio. I guess I'll know more about there plans in the spring.

My parents' health problems also make me wonder more about my future. At some point, I will probably need to move closer to them to help take care of them. Like my mom, I am concerned about starting over in a new place and the fact that it takes several years to build a studio large enough to take care of my financial obligations. Plus, the kind of work that I do here--actually working within a high school choral program--just doesn't exist there. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But right now, I need to quit writing and get ready to be a great teacher tomorrow. Wish me luck!