Stress and Anxiety

Yesterday, my racing and pounding heart, nausea, and dizziness were joined by chest pains.  I was about 90% sure that it was just anxiety joining the party that my fibromyalgia started, but 2 friends recently had heart attacks (one fatal), 2 other friends recently were dealing with atrial fibrillation, and I kept thinking of a friend who had his heart attack in his 40's, so just to be safe, I went to the ER to have it checked out.

EKG, blood work, and x-rays of the lungs looked good, so the doctor sent me home with a prescription for Ativan and some information to read about dealing with stress.  Dealing with an anxiety attack is not something new. I've had friends and family deal with it, and I do deal with anxiety regularly, but this is the first time it has been this severe.  I laughed as I read the material, because it was definitely what I've been dealing with. And then, I decided that since I work out so much through writing, that maybe writing a little about this will help reduce the anxiety.  And maybe it won't, but at least I'll know I shared the stress with people who care and I didn't keep it all bottled up inside.

So here it is.  I'll start each section with a quote from the reading materials and then I'll fill you in on how that fits my life.

1) Try to locate the sources of stress in your life.  That may not be obvious!  These may include:

--Daily hassles of life which pile up (traffic jams, missed appointment, car troubles, etc.)

Actually, the sources of stress in my life are pretty obvious, at least to me. Here are some of the recent daily hassles:

1. With the exception of the entryway and stairs (cleaned by a wonderful friend this week), my house is a total disaster.  It's never as clean as I'd like, but with being sick and stressed for 2 months, it's worse than usual.  I basically have the time and energy to add to the mess, but not to do much of anything about it.  Keeping the laundry, dishes, and garbage somewhat under control is the best I can expect, and I don't always get that done. Dust (which causes more breathing problems) is completely out of control.  
2. Money.  Too many expenses and not enough income.  Enough said.  Most of you probably understand this.  I'm just hoping that getting the ER bill doesn't send me back there again!
3. I forgot a credit card payment (just got busy and forgot I hadn't paid it) until a transaction was denied.  Awkward.  
4. Students aren't ready for NATS.  
5. I'm trying to get involved in more MMTA education programs, but I messed up multiple things in getting a student enrolled in the voice exams.  
6. Lots of students still haven't paid me, but I haven't had the time and energy to run invoices and get them sent so I can get paid.  
7. If I push myself too hard, a fibromyalgia flare up reminds me that I can't do that. Basically, I've been living with a flare since August.  

All that is pretty normal, everyday stuff I deal with all the time.  

--Major life changes, both good (new baby, job promotion) and bad (loss of job, loss of loved one.)

This is a big one.  

1. My friend and mentor died this summer.  Besides feeling the loss, I'm also feeling the need to step up.  Both of the voice teachers that had the biggest influence on me are both gone now and it's my turn to carry on the legacy.  
2. I'm not leaving teaching voice, but I am starting a new career (which isn't paying much at this point, other than joy and health).  Situations have changed, enabling me to take more of a leadership role in our local tai chi community, and within a year or two, I may be able to make that role more official.  That's great, but it definitely adds some stress.  
3. Recent events have caused me to more closely examine my spiritual life.  There are some big decisions that need to be made, and it's difficult to talk to most people about these.  And not talking feels like not being open and truthful, which feels like a violation of my integrity.  I've found a church that feels like home and that helps me see things in a different light.  I'm not sure that I am ready to leave my old church or that I even want to, but I'm not sure how long I can walk in both worlds.  
4. I've been asked to join a blog team (Yay!) and I've been asked to submit a guest blog for another group that is doing a series and they value my perspective on this topic.  I'm really excited for both opportunities, but it's one more thing on my plate.  Plus, as you can tell, my own blogs tend to be more vomiting feelings and I'd like these to be slightly higher quality. 

--Overload: feeling that you have too many responsibilities and can't take care of all of them at once.

1. See all of the above.  
2. I'm trying to be more involved in MMTA programs, but they need people to run the programs and I don't feel like I can take on anymore.  At the very least, I should be volunteering for every event I enter students in.  I also don't feel like I can run a program when I'm still messing up getting my first student enrolled for it.  
3. We have a Tai Chi Down Under Fundraiser on Nov. 2.  It will be awesome, but I will be stressed until it's over.  By the way, if you want to make some food for the bake sale or work at the bake sale tables that day, let me know.  We need all the help we can get.  
4. I have this great website system that also helps me with scheduling and bookkeeping for the studio, but it still requires a lot of work to get all the data entered.  And I am always behind. 

--Feeling helpless, feeling that your problems are beyond what you're able to solve.  

Believe it or not, this one is not a major issue right now.  I will get through this.  I know that.  The quality of my work might not be what I want, but the world will not come to an end because of it.  In that, at least, I think I've come a long way in the last several years.  

2) Notice how your body reacts to stress.  Learn to listen to your body signals.  This will help you take action before the stress becomes severe.

This one just makes me laugh.  I know the signals.  And I also know a lot about how to cope with them.  But I can't exactly stop a lesson or a class and make people wait while I do 30 minutes of deep breathing and meditation.  I'm trying to work it in at other times and do quick fixes between lessons, but sometimes you just have to push through, or take a day and a half off work like I did this week, which only moves the stress to a later date when I have to make all of that up.  

I'm also exercising at least 5 days a week (3 days of 2 hours of tai chi and qigong, 2 days circuit training and walking for a total of 45-60 minutes).  That physical activity really does help, especially when I'm not too exhausted to move.  

I now also have Ativan to treat the anxiety, but that basically means sleeping (or at least no driving and anything else needing clear thinking for 6-8 hours.)  Again, not a great solution for when I feel stress or anxiety at work.  

3)When you can, do something about the source of your stress.  (Avoid hassles, limit the amount of change that happens in your life at one time and take a break when you feel overloaded.)

Laughing.  Again.  Until I win Powerball, most of these stresses won't go away.  

4) Unfortunately many stressful situation cannot be avoided.  It is necessary to learn HOW TO MANAGE STRESS better. There are many proven methods that will reduce your anxiety. These include simple things like exercise, good nutrition and adequate rest.  Also there are certain techniques that are helpful:  relaxation and breathing exercises, visualization, biofeedback, and meditation.  For more information about this, consult your doctor or go to a local bookstore and review the many books and tapes available on this subject.  

1. Thank you for admitting that we can't avoid all stress.  
2. I love how "HOW TO MANAGE STRESS" is all capital letters like they are yelling at me.  
3. See above for exercise I do.  
4. Nutrition does make a difference.  Food sensitivities add to stress. I'm pretty much gluten free now and since I think I also have sensitivities to dairy, chocolate, and sugar, I'm also working to minimize, and hopefully eventually eliminate, those.
5. I'm the queen of anti-stress breathing and relaxation techniques. I have a few visualization exercises that work well.  I've done biofeedback, and I'm exploring different kinds of meditation.  
6. I probably know more about anxiety than my doctor.  
7. I probably need to get back to regular counseling appointments, but I don't know how to fit that into my schedule and my budget (Ha! Ha!) right now without adding more stress.  
8. I already own a bunch of related books.  
9. Going to the bookstore means spending money, which causes stress.  I may explore some more things from the library.  Due dates and late fees are less stress than not having money for bills because I spent it at the bookstore.  

So…that's my anxiety story.  I don't expect the things that cause stress to change anytime in the near future, but hopefully I'll continue to get better with how I deal with them.  

Highs and Lows

This week I have done some amazing things and some really dumb things.

Monday and Tuesday were great days. I made a bunch of phone calls I have been putting off (I hate the telephone) and scheduled doctor appointments and an appointment to get my car serviced. Also in a moment of what I'm sure was complete insanity, I signed up for a Tai Chi class, emailed someone to let them know that I will be attending a Singles Conference this weekend, and signed up for the U of MN mini-medical school. I'm kind of glad that I was slightly manic and not really thinking things through, because if registering for those things had been on the list of things to do today, I might have been to overwhelmed to commit to them. Tai Chi starts Jan. 25 and goes for several Monday nights and then the mini-medical school lectures are the several Monday nights after that. Both are things that I've wanted to do for a long time, but this is the first time that they have been offered at a time that I'm not teaching.

Monday I also set up a massage appointment. Yes, it's another expense and I'm trying to trim the budget, and no, it is not a luxury. It is an investment in my health. Several years ago I was getting regular massages and they helped with the pain management a lot. I had my massage on Tuesday and have another set up for next week. Again, I'm glad I was feeling good enough that I didn't stop to think about all the reasons I really shouldn't do this. I really should. It helps and that is reason enough. I'll trim the budget in other areas.

Now on to the not so good days. I'm on the organizing committee for a major fund-raiser that happens on Feb. 5. For more details on it, go to www.voicesofhopemn.org . It is going to be amazing, but the part of it that I am taking care of is getting frustrating for me. It's mostly because I have people that I need to get things to by a certain date, but I can't do that until I received information from other people and the date that I will get that just keeps getting pushed further and further back. I do realize that I overplan. I want to have a plan to cover every little thing that might come up. I'm a firm believer that if you cover all your bases, you can change that plan if needed, but at least you have an idea of what is going on. I'm working with someone that I totally love and she is amazing with creating energy and excitement for projects like these, but her style is a little more "fly by the the seat of your pants," and that is stressing me out a little. I know that everything will turn out all right in the end, but that didn't help me sleep any better last night. It took me several hours to wind down after our meeting and then I woke up thinking about it again this morning.

Because I let the fund-raiser frustration take over my brain, I heard myself say something totally inappropriate this morning. It was very out of character for me. I immediately apologized, but still I can't believe I even let it happen. I believe that as much as possible our interactions with our students should be positive ones. We correct, but we never belittle or do anything to make them feel that who they are as a person is wrong. (I had that experience with a teacher, and it taught me that I never want my students to feel that way.) But today, the part of my brain that is in charge of monitoring those communications wasn't working. A student was walking down the hall toward me to come to her lesson. She said, "My books are in my locker. Do you want me to go get them?"

My response should have been, "Yes. And please hurry." Instead I said, "(insert name), that was a DUMB question. It's your voice lesson. Of course you need your books." I don't believe in dumb questions, or I didn't, but that really was one. However, I should never have responded that way. I immediately apologized, but have thought about it several times during the day wondering how I could have changed that. Like I said, there was no thought process before it came out my mouth. The thought and the words happened at exactly the same time. That's something I get on these kids for, not something a mature adult should be doing. Anyway, I hope that I can learn to deal with my stress and frustration better so that I don't end up in "blurt mode" anymore.