Happy Thanksgiving!

I know. I know. I win the prize for most original blog title today.
I've spent most of the day being lazy--sleeping, eating, a little writing, but basically taking it easy. And it needed it.

And now I start the part of my day where I really celebrate Thanksgiving. A week or two ago, I wrote about an email I had received about not taking Christ out of Christmas. Today I address the people that want to take Thanksgiving out of Thanksgiving. OK, probably no one really does, but I hate calling it Turkey Day. First of all, my family also has a turkey for Christmas and sometimes even for New Year's so calling Thanksgiving Day Turkey Day doesn't really make it a unique and special holiday. And, why do so many of us just eat turkey for the holidays. Turkey is a great low fat protein source that we could be eating year round.

And if I argue that we shouldn't have one day set aside just for Turkeys, perhaps I should remind myself that we shouldn't have just one day set aside for giving thanks either.

So, here are some things that I am thankful for. The list isn't complete, but it does contain things that are important to me at this moment.

I am thankful for music.
I am thankful for technology that allows me to connect with people across the world that share similar goals, values, and desires.
I am thankful for choices.
I am thankful for the chance to start over.
I am thankful for the blessing of seeing the world and all in it as inseparably connected.
I am thankful for people that reach out and share of their abundance.
I am thankful for a home, a bed to sleep in, food to eat. It's easy to compare what I have to what I want and feel deprived, but I have so much more than so many people in the world.
I am thankful that I was taught to love others regardless of whether or not I agree with the choices they make in their lives.
I am thankful for an example of giving without thought of the personal risk or consequences.
I am thankful for family and friends that love me, even when I am not being very lovable.
I am thankful for a job I love and a chance to share something I love with my students.
I am thankful for the beauty of nature, and the opportunity to remember that it doesn't have to be a sun-shiny day with bright flowers to be beautiful.
I am thankful for teachers, both those that teach as a profession, and those that have just been at the right place and the right time to help me learn something important.

Now I'm off to do more celebrating.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thoughts for the day

If you didn't have deadlines, how would you know how far behind you are?

If you don't have a plan, how can you change it?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Winter solstice

Do you remember that post about trying to enjoy December again? I said I wasn't going to add anything to the calendar, but I changed my mind. Sometime between my coaching with Ruth and the High School choir concerts later that evening, I'm going to find time for a personal Winter Solstice Celebration.

I can't handle the dark anymore and I'm very much looking forward to longer days. I can handle the ice and snow if I have some sun.

Any suggestions for what I should do?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Why the Christmas Gifts This Year Will Be Cheap (I Mean Inexpensive)

Someday I hope to be financially able to spend a lot of money on my family and friends for Christmas. But it's not happening this year. Once again, the "big" presents will be things that the rich people I work for would call "stocking stuffers". If you're disappointed in your gift, here's why I couldn't spend more--in recent months I've been spending a lot of money taking care of me and my business and my home.

July--Purchased iPhone for my studio. Not cheap, but oh so worth it.
October--Car repairs. Stupid little things. The parts weren't much. It was the labor that made the bill so big.
--I had the furnace and furnace ducts cleaned. The same company also cleaned the bird's nest and all the backed up lint out of my dryer vent.
--Paid for the expensive, "empowered water" people to come clean my carpets. Yes, the carpets are cleaner and no chemicals were involved, but I'm not sure it's amazing enough to pay that price again.
November--The Dentist. At least it was only a cleaning, check-up and oral cancer screening. But $200??? And that was with the discount for paying that day. I should just be glad I can put off the crowns awhile longer. After reviewing my sleep study from couple of years ago, the dentist also recommended a splint to wear at night to help with the snoring. I said I'd wait on that. I sleep alone and the neighbors aren't banging on the walls yet.
--I still need to buy a plane ticket to WA which won't be cheap.

I'm really not complaining. Life is expensive. I know that. I just want you to know that your small and inexpensive, but meaningful gift was chosen because I am broke, not because I don't love you.

Pep talk

I read this amazing Nanowrimo pep talk this morning and thought I would share it with you. It spoke to me on a lot different levels. Of course, it spoke to the writer in me, but also to the singer, and also to the regular everyday me just trying to get through life and make a difference.

I hope you enjoy it. I'll try to comment more about it later.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/node/3457857

Putting Happy Back in My Holidays

I went through several years where I despised the month of December. Yes you read that right. I hated Christmas. It's also the month of my birthday. The two biggest celebrations of the year in the same month, and I hated that month.

When I was in college, somehow my birthday almost always fell during finals week. Happy Birthday! Not! My birthday month was connected with stress and sleep deprivation.

As I left school and began my life as a working professional, other stressors entered the December fun. How do I pay for the plane ticket home, or if I don't go home will they all be mad? What do I buy for family members that I only see once a year and don't really know all that well anymore? Oh yeah, and it can't cost very much. Then there were years when 1 or more of the grandparents were living with my parents and there were simply too many adults in the same house. When I couldn't handle the conversation (if you could call it that) I'd get up and go to the kitchen for some fudge. I ate a lot of fudge one year.

Then there is all the stress of holiday performances, both my own and those of my students. Then there are all the parties to go to, some of which I enjoy, but all of which take time that I wish I could use for other things.

OK, this post is not really about all the horrible things about the holidays. It's really about what I've been doing and what I'm planning to do this year to reclaim the joy of the holiday season and let go of some of the stress.

First we have to get through Thanksgiving. I'm doing things a little differently this year. OK, a lot different. I'm doing the eat-too-much-wonderful-food thing this week. And then I am spending Thanksgiving alone. No, please do not feel sorry for me and invite me over. I want to do this. I am choosing it. Rather than waiting for January 1, Thanksgiving Day is the day that I am starting a new phase of my life. And I will be celebrating quietly at home. I'm putting together a list of music that I want to list to that reminds me of all the wonderful things that I am thankful for. So far the list includes Mahler's "Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen"(I have a couple of really good performances of it that I will be listening to), John Denver's "It Amazes Me", and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Mack Wilberg's setting of Oliver Wendell Holmes text," Thou Gracious God, Whose Mercy Lends". Feel free to send recommendations of other songs to add to the list.

I've decided not to let myself get stressed this December. My calendar is currently as full as I'm going to allow it to be. I'm emailing the family to find out what everybody needs and/or wants for Christmas. Then I at least have some ideas. I'm going to listen to Christmas music--good Christmas music--everyday. I might even decorate this year. If it's all still up in April, you can come over and help me put it away.

What I'm not going to do in December is let the sugar control my life. Yes I love it, but it really doesn't love me, and I'm pretty sure that the world doesn't love me much when I've had too much sugar. So, this year, the holidays are not going to be about food. I'm going to find other ways to celebrate that don't involve food, caffeine, or alcohol. I'm going to do things that make me happy.

Diversity

Warning: This is one of those posts, that might upset both my liberal and conservative friends. The views expressed here are mine, and mine alone, and do not represent any of the organizations of which I am a part.

I spent this weekend with a huge and crazy group of writers. We come from many walks of life, but are united by our crazy desire to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. The people I was with this weekend were maybe a little crazier than most Nanowrimo participants. You see, we were on a 28 hour write-in tour. Yes, 28 hours of writing. Granted, most of us didn't do the whole tour, but most people were there for quite awhile.

But I'm not here to talk about Nanowrimo or the tour. This post is about diversity. Diversity has become the rallying cry of the liberals, and practically a swear word among the conservatives. I was reminded this weekend just how diverse my friends are.

At the first write-in stop I overheard an interesting conversation. Someone was complaining about a friend/relative's complete anti-gay stance and this person's complete lack of morals in his/her own life while they continued to stand in judgement of homosexuals. Then I heard, "Don't get me wrong, I really do like Christians, it's just..." and the rest doesn't really matter. I just found it quite amusing that in the middle of Lutheran Minnesota, I was a minority as a Christian in this group. I had never really considered their religious beliefs or affiliations. That is not what our relationships are based on.

My friends are my friends because we share common interests. That doesn't mean we agree on everything. We shouldn't. That would be boring. I am friends with writers because of our love of writing. I am friends with musicians because of our love of music. And in both of those groups, I meet a wide variety of people with extremely diverse lives and beliefs. It's not my job to make them see the world like I do. My job is to take them as they are and build a friendship from the things we have in common.

This week, I received a well intentioned email reminding me that I shouldn't succumb to the pressures of the world to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". I shouldn't let the world take Christ out of this holiday. I was both pleased that these people were sharing their beliefs and saddened that according to this email, wishing my Jewish friend and co-worker "Happy Holidays" was compromising my own beliefs. I grew up in a small isolated community where the majority of the people belonged to one Christian church. I knew there were "others" out there, but non-members tended to downplay that status focusing instead on other things. In this community I knew very few non-Christians. Merry Christmas was a greeting that made sense in this community. In my current community, I encounter people of many religions, or no religion. Part of being a community is respecting those differences. I know some Christians who would be very upset if someone wished them a "Happy Hanukkah" or invited them to a Winter Solstice party. I think "Happy Holidays" is a great way to say, "Hey I'm celebrating. I don't know what you are celebrating, but I wish you the best anyway." Anyway, that was the long way of saying, "Dear Christian friends, please don't get on my case if I slip up and say Happy Holidays, instead of Merry Christmas. I wish all of my friends peace and happiness."

(My internet keeps disconnecting. Is it God telling me not to post this, or Satan placing obstacles in the way of my doing what is right?)

Now on to an even touchier subject. This week two Facebook friends posted references to the Catholic church threatening to stop serving the homeless in DC if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage law. While I think it is sad, I also believe that the Catholic Church has the right to make that choice. Instead of complaining that they will stop giving, perhaps the rest of us can consider how we can give more.

I will defend the right of a church to choose whom they will serve, to determine what they consider sin, and to choose how much to include or not include homosexuals in their church meetings and rituals.

I will also stand with my gay friends in defense of their rights to be treated with dignity and fairness, including matters of marriage and domestic partnerships.

Is there anyone out there that isn't mad at me now?

Sleep

Sleep. Re-charging. Healing. Escaping. A waste of time. A nuisance. A luxury. A necessity.

What does sleep mean to you? At different points in my life, it has meant different things.

In high school, when I was really depressed, it was both a response to the extreme fatigue accompanying the depression, and an escape from things I didn't want to deal with.

In college, sleep was for people that didn't have very much to accomplish--people that weren't concerned about their grades and weren't involved in too many things. I had a goal to get 8 hours of sleep for the 2 weeks before any major performance. I knew my body needed sleep, I just couldn't justify wasting the time, except when a performance was coming up. I remember many nights getting home from rehearsals after 10pm, doing homework, going to bed and then being down at the concert hall practing by 6am the next morning. That kind of schedule would kill me today.

I have fibromyalgia, a syndrome that is connected to poor sleep. If I don't get a sufficient amount of quality sleep, the pain, depression, fatigue, and other symptoms are much worse. This week I have gone to bed insanely early, leaving dishes in the sink and other housework undone, but I have felt so much better.

I also am an extremely creative dreamer and can often influence the direction my dreams take. I must admit, that sometimes I sleep because I really enjoy dreaming, even the really weird and bizarre dreams.

Here's a poem from John Fletcher that I absolutely love. I hope you do too.

Come, Sleep, and with thy sweet deceiving
Lock me in delight awhile;
Let some pleasing dream beguile
All my fancies; that from thence
I may feel an influence
All my powers of care bereaving.
Though but a shadow, but a sliding,
Let me know some little joy!
We that suffer long annoy
Are contented with a thought
Through an idle fancy wrought:
O let my joys have some abiding!

John Fletcher

Choices

I follow a couple of blogs that are beautifully written, are clear and concise, and almost always share profound ideas. It's hard not to feel intimidated. I started a blog earlier, trying to make what I had to say into something profound for my readers, but it just wasn't working. I've also realized that this blog isn't so much about what my readers need as it is about what I need to say. Maybe noone will ever read it. That's OK. This is about me expressing and opening up to the world about what I think and experience. So now, on to the real post.

Sometimes choices are easy, like when one is obviously good and another is obviously bad and you're not tempted by the bad one at all. But most choices in life aren't like that. Even the ones that are obviously good or bad often have extenuating circumstances attached.

Sometimes a choice must be made and no option seems like the right one. We have to examine all the possibilities and choose the one that will cause the least damage, that will hurt others the least.

Sometimes a choice must be made between things that are good and right. These are the hardest, for me at least. For the last several weeks I have had to daily choose to do 1 of 3 things when I really want and need to do them all. They are not even things that I can choose to rotate. They all have to happen every day or I can't cope physically and emotionally with all that is thrown at me. But lately, it's getting hard to do even one. Yes, I've tried a little of each, but that doesn't seem to work either, so everyday, based on the circumstances of that day, I have to decide if I want to rest, exercise, or practice my singing. Maybe this seems trivial and not all that important to you, but it is to me.

Singing is not only related to my profession, but it feeds my soul. There are days that are bleak and depressing, but my through my practice time, I am able to find peace and experience beauty. I leave a better and happier person.

Exercise is also daily must in my life. Because of my fibromyalgia and other health issues, it is essential that I exercise every day. If I don't, I have more pain, more tension, and more fatigue. I also need exercise to balance my brain chemistry. When I don't exercise I have more anxiety, depression, and I'm far more easily annoyed at little things that I should be able to let go.

Fibromyalgia has as one of its symptoms/causes poor sleep. When the body doesn't get the rest it needs, there is more pain and generally more of all the other not so wonderful symptoms. So sleep and not pushing myself to hard is also important. How am I supposed to choose?

I know that part of what I am to learn in this life is how to choose wisely and move toward balance. I don't really think that there are right/wrong answers to most things that we must choose between. I think it's like the Kobayashi Maru test (from Star Trek), a no-win scenario. The test isn't about win or lose, it's about how you perform under pressure, what choices you make when there is no right way. I think that the only true failure is in not trying. So I keep doing the best I can, and hopefully something good will eventually come from it.

Overwhelmed

Today was the first day back to work after 5 days off. Originally my plan was to get a lot done over that long weekend, but my body had other plans. I'm still not sure if it wad a mild cold, or allergies plus other not so wonderful fibromyalgia symptoms. All I know for sure is that for 4 of those days I basically did nothing but sleep, eat, watch videos, and read. Yes, I really did need the rest, but when I got to school today and saw how many things need to be done in the next couple of weeks, I had to take several deep breaths so I wouldn't freak out.

I saved the freak out for when I got home. It's a good thing I don't drink. As it is, my using food (especially sugar and chocolate) to self medicate may kill me almost as quickly as alcoholism. At least my chocolate binge tonight was dark chocolate. I had lots of flavanol antioxidants.

I can make it to Christmas break, I hope. I hate living like this, but I'm just going to have to do the most important stuff and let the rest slide. And take a lot of deep breaths.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Theme songs

I just read a blog from a singer about what she learned about herself by looking at the songs she was drawn to. It made me think about my "theme songs".

To be honest, I can only think of two of them at the moment, but I want to share them with you. When I was in college, I discovered the musical The Secret Garden, and "Hold On" became my theme song. Sometimes I heard a dear friend sing it to me, and sometimes I was singing it to myself. Those were very dark years in my life. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that there was something better down the road. "Child, hold on, it's this day, not you, that's bound to go away."

The year 2000 was a major turning point in my life. "Hold On" was still my theme for a few more years, but soon it was replaced by "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I felt energized and enthused and ready to take on the world. I was making my own choices, finding my own path and I no longer felt that I had to live up to the expectations of everyone else.
"Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap!"

I'm still working on finding my own path, but "Defying Gravity" isn't really my theme song anymore. I'm not sure what is. I'm in a calmer place now, no longer fighting to survive, or fighting to live my own life.

I have some favorite songs, like Mahler's "Ich bin der Welt Abhanden Gekommen", but I'm not sure that I would really call it a theme song. And I love the Brahms, Strauss, and Puccini I'm working on now, but the despair and loss most of them present are also not where my life is now.

I'm not sure this is my theme song, but today it makes me happy. John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders"
Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high.

I love the sun and hope more sunny days are on the way.

What will you do with your extra hour?

I had great plans to sleep in this morning. I really thought I would because I was exhausted by the time I got to bed last night. But, I didn't sleep well, and woke up right before my alarm usually goes off during the week. So...I'm up and blogging.

After 2 days of doing almost nothing, I think I overdid it a little yesterday. I cleaned most of the house, did some grocery shopping, and went over to the school to practice for awhile. It might not seem like much, but I think it was too much for me. I don't feel well this morning. Stupid!

So...I will probably use my extra hour this afternoon for an extra long nap.

Or...since it is the first day of NaNoWriMo, I might start work on my novel. I just have to decide which one I want to do. Should I do the one about shape-shifting dragons, time travel, and saving the world from a Dragon of Chaos with plans to rule the human race?

OR

Should I write about the girl with psi powers who was raised in a cult that abused her until she buried her talents so deep she may never again regain full control. She just found out that her biological father (that she never knew) is the man responsible for the war and he has plans for world domination. Only one person is powerful enough to stop him, and she can only do that if she finds a way to access and control her own gifts.

I was leaning toward the second idea since it is basically a re-telling of last year's story but from a different character's perspective. I know the world. I know the plot. I know the characters (and I'm excited to write last year's good guys as the people standing in her way). But, it's going to be really dark. That's good because it will help me write through some of my own darkness and frustration that I'm dealing with. It's bad because I don't know that I want to deal with depressing stuff all month. If I go with this option, I'll have to find a way to add some light scenes, maybe as memories or something.

The advantage of doing the dragon story is that I have pages and pages of character and plot notes, plus I really like the idea. The down side is that since this is my first work with these characters and their world, I don't really know them or how their world works yet.

Worst case scenario, I could write a book within a book. Whenever I get bored with one story, one of the characters can read a favorite novel.

Maybe I should just stop writing this and get to work on a novel.



-- Posted from my iPhone