All It Takes is One

Sometimes it's easy to think, "I'm just one person.  What difference can I make?"  The true answer is that one person can make a big difference.  And a few people united can change the world.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.
Margaret Mead

Here are a few songs to illustrate this point.  





I can't decide which version of this I like the best, so I'm including both.

A small change can make a big difference. You are the only one who can make our world a better place to inhabit. So, don’t be afraid to take a stand .
Ankita Singhal

Christmas, Church, and Mental Illness

Christmas Eve seems like a weird day to post about mental illness, but since this season is often a difficult time for those dealing with mental illnesses, there really is no better time.

This is a season of faith and hope, but they cannot alone remove the heavy burden of mental illness.  Mental illness is complex and for most people the treatment of mental illness is also complex.  Although prayer and other practices related to an individual's spirituality can be helpful, they are not sufficient for most of us.  Necessary treatments might include medications, dietary adjustments, lifestyle adjustments, counseling, and/or other services provided by mental health professionals.   If you or someone you love is suffering today, please take the time to explore these resources (and the additional links that you find within these.)  They help explain some of the common misconceptions about mental illness and it's treatments that we encounter in religious communities.

https://www.lds.org/topics/disability/list/mental-illness

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/10/myths-about-mental-illness?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng&query=mental+illness

If you sincerely want to help someone with mental illness of any kind, read this:
http://rationalfaiths.com/sad-souls-happy-valley/

And this from Chelsea Weidmann:

Am I still welcome here?
Are you sure?
What if I don't get better within 3 months?
Can you accept that this isn't guilt and repentance isn't the solution?
Can I be just as worthy as you?
Will you please stop saying "forget yourself and get to work," "count your blessings," "the best way to forget your troubles is to serve someone else," and/or lecturing on all the ways my being mentally ill is ruining my children?
Will you trust that I am seeking healing in the best way for me, and stop suggesting doTERRA oils and berating antidepressant meds?
Can you go the rest of forever without telling me how much worse someone else's trial is?
How about we never, ever say that to anyone ever again?
If I open up to you and admit that today the demons are winning and I'm scared, will you be brave enough to return the email/text/phone call?
I will be a daily reminder "that but for the grace of God, go [you]." Can you stand to look at me?
Are you sure?
What if I can never serve as much as you ask me to?
Am I still welcome if all I can do is not die?
If I cannot help perfect the saints or preach the gospel, can I still be yours?
Can you love me for who I am, not what I bring to the table?
What if I try to get better every single day, but I never do?
Can you still love me?
Will you?
Are you sure?

Peace

The hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" has been on my mind the last few days.  When the world seems too dark, and the pain is too heavy, often the only way I can express what I am feeling and what I need is through music.  When I fill my Facebook timeline with links to recordings on YouTube or Spotify, you can be pretty sure that I am trying my best to process and that I just don't have the words yet to write or speak.

I read this article about a week ago, and decided that maybe I did need Advent this year.  Mormons don't really observe Advent, but a group of friends were sharing resources, and I did a little Google search of my own. As I read about Advent, I learned that the first candle in an Advent wreath symbolizes Hope, so Hope has been the focus of my study this week.  And that helped me get through this week.  Advent and Hope on my mind and in my heart helped me cope with the pain I saw and felt in news stories and on Facebook.  My desire and longing for Peace helped me not to unleash a torrent of destruction on people I care about who simply haven't had the experiences or interactions that would enable them to truly "mourn with those that mourn."

So these were my Facebook posts from Friday.









And then these other words to "Come Thou Found of Every Blessing"
http://uuquincy.org/talks/20100228.shtml

By Saturday, I was sharing memes instead of music, and this morning, I can finally write a little about what I am feeling.  

Last night I saw a few Facebook posts about the passing of Emma Lou Thayne.  This morning, I read this and this, and then went searching for a recording of "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" that I loved enough to share on Facebook.  (Yes, my life does revolve around Facebook.  Sad, but true.)  The quick and easy finds on YouTube just didn't speak to me, or they didn't include the words.  I wanted to hear the words today.  

Then I found this.  It starts with some history about the song,  the women who wrote it, and why it was written.  I know a few members of Joleen G. Meredith's family.  In fact, just recently, her daughter had shared the story of her mother's part in creating this song, so I enjoyed hearing the story again here.  After the background information, there are several different performances of the songs, and I found what I had been searching for.  I'll let you guess which ones I liked best.  Then the tears began to flow, and flow, and flow.  It was no longer about the death of a great Mormon woman.  It was no longer about the pains and frustrations of the last few weeks.  It wasn't even about this spiritual journey I'm on right now.  It was about a voice studio on a college campus where I learned about real love and peace.  

I was a poor college student, struggling with my testimony and with depression, and not really sure what I wanted from my life, except that I knew music had to be part of it.  Elizabeth Bossard saw that.  She saw all of it, and she took me under her wing.  When I wasn't busy with other classes, I stopped by her studio and played for her voice students.  She paid me in food, mentoring, and lessons in unconditional love.  She also challenged me and stretched me, and pretty much everyone else that walk through that door.  I watched in shock one day at her response to a student that was complaining about how hard some life situation was.  I don't even remember which student or what they said, but she rattled off a list of things that she was dealing with, and I knew it was all true.  I was in shock, but somehow she knew that that particular student needed to know that a person could be faced with extremely difficult situations and still do what needed to be done.  She could see what each individual needed.

One day a student came in for a lesson, but was clearly in no way emotionally able to get through it.  He told us a deeply personal story of pain, one that I won't share here because it isn't mine to share, but I will tell you that it was major, possibly a life and death situation.  She didn't offer platitudes or condolences.  She simply opened the hymn book to "Where Can I Turn for Peace?", handed me the book to play from (I was already sitting at the piano), and she sang to him.  He and I have never discussed that day.  I don't know what long term effect it had on him.  I do know that it changed my life.  That day, I saw what music could do.  I saw the kind of teacher that I wanted to be.  I saw the kind of person I wanted to be.  

I'm interested to see where my study and focus on Advent will take me. Here's what I know today:

• We can't just anxiously await the coming of Christ and light and peace while sitting on our hands doing nothing.  
• Waiting can be actively working and hoping for that light and peace.  
• We have to be the light and peace that we want in the world.  

I'm currently reading Parker J. Palmer's Healing the Heart of Democracy. (I'm only 48 pages in, and already I want to recommend it to every one of my friends, of all political views.)  I want to end with two quotes from that book that pretty much say everything I need to about Ferguson, Eric Garner, strikes, protests, and everything else that has had social media in an upheaval the last few weeks.  

Glossing over our differences diminishes democracy's potential: those differences are grist for democracy's mill, if we know how to hold them in life-giving ways. I will not pretend that I find it easy to embrace this fact. Get going on politicians who distort my faith tradition to win votes or on racial bigots and homophobes who want to translate their personal shadows into public policy, and this nice Quaker boy from the Midwest does a passable imitation of the Incredible Hulk. Still, no matter how jaw-dropping or morally offensive I find some people’s convictions, I must learn how to speak up in the civic community without denying my opponents their humanity and further poisoning the political ecosystem on which democracy depends. (page 32) 

If you hold your knowledge of self and world wholeheartedly, your heart will at times get broken by loss, failure, defeat, betrayal, or death. What happens next in you and the world around you depends on how your heart breaks. If it breaks apart into a thousand pieces, the result may be anger, depression, and disengagement. If it breaks open into greater capacity to hold the complexities and contradictions of human experience, the result may be new life. (page 18)

Advent.  

Out of the darkness, light.  

Hearts breaking into new life.  

Peace.  

Hope.

Lead, Kindly Light

I've loved the hymn "Lead, Kindly Light" for years.  I see it as a song of hope, but when I chose it for congregational singing, I would get negative comments and questions about why I chose such a depressing, downer song. Basically, a lot of people think this should only be sung at funerals. Too bad for them.  They also won't be happy to know that I just wrote another tune.  It's in a minor key, so it will be even more dark for them.  But guess what, life is often dark.  And we need that light leading us on. Sometimes it's the lantern we carry. Sometimes it's the ray of sunshine in the distance.  Sometimes it's a single candle flame shining through the window.

For many, this is a song about putting trust in God, and that was certainly the case for the man that wrote the words.  It's becoming more than that for me.

Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!

No matter how heavy and dark life becomes, there is always light available for me to follow.  

The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!

That light can lead me to discover who I really am and where I belong.  

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I'm learning to live in the now and not stress over the past, or worry excessively about the future.  

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on;

This is certainly not the way I used to live.

I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on!

I used to plan out every detail.  I had to know where I was heading.  I'm learning to trust the journey.

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

I was determined to be the absolute best.  Anything less than the best was a failure.  I'm getting over that.  

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on.

I've now had enough experience just trusting the process to know that I just need to find and feel the light and let go of all the other stuff.

O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

But I'm not over the rough stuff yet.  But I know that morning will come.  

I Was a Liar

When I quote someone, I like to check and make sure that I actually have the quote correct and that my source didn't make it up or change something dramatically. Today I'm not doing that. There are two reasons. First, I don't want to wait to share these thoughts until after I order and receive the book. Second, the words are even more important that who wrote them or in which book they were written. This was recently posted on the unofficial Chieko Okazaki Facebook page.

Sometimes I think we don’t create a very hospitable climate for questions in our Sunday School classes, Relief Societies, and priesthood quorums. Sometimes we give people the very clear message that there’s something wrong with them if they don’t know something already, or if they don’t see it the same way as the teacher or understand it to the same degree as the rest of the class. . . .
So people lie. They say they understand when they really don’t. Or they say they agree when they really don’t. Or they find one point they can agree on and swallow the four points they disagree on. Or they suppress the perfectly wonderful questions they have, because they’re afraid that the questions may sound accusatory or faithless. As a result, no miracles happen. . . . If we don’t have questions, there won’t be any miracles for us. I don’t know about you, but I need miracles in my life. I want miracles in my life. I hunger and thirst for miracles in my life. So I think I’d better ask questions---questions from the heart, questions that hurt, questions with answers that I’m afraid will hurt.
-Chieko Okazaki, Disciples, p. 229-230

If I had to identify the core of all the things I've learned from my parents, that core would be honesty and integrity.  As a small child, if I did something wrong, I might get in trouble.  If I did something wrong and then lied about it, I'd be in a lot more trouble.  I've watched as situations in their lives caused them to make major life changes rather than compromise their integrity.

Honesty is important to me.  I can forgive almost anything if I'm told the truth.  But living with honesty and integrity, especially when it comes to the church has been difficult for me.  I worry that if I'm truthful about what I think and feel that I will lead someone away, so I don't share much.  I bite my tongue and try not to make waves.  But it hasn't led to good things. Instead it's lead to a life of not knowing, not fitting in, and constantly being frustrated spiritually.

This post was originally titled, "I Am a Liar", but I changed it because I've decided that I can't be a liar any longer.  I've been that person who didn't get it, but sat there silently because I didn't feel safe enough to ask questions.  I've been the person who has sat through a class silently screaming, "No!" but who goes home without ever having shared my dissenting opinion.  I am the one who is unsure of how to participate in a Sunday School or Relief Society class in a productive, non-apostate way, even though my bishop and I have discussed it.  So mostly, I don't go. Church became more pain than nourishment.

I not only need to ask the questions, I need to live with the questions.  As I've opened to questions, to the messiness of not having one right answer, something that might surprise a lot of Mormons began to happen:  I began to grow spiritually.  Like Chieko, "I hunger and thirst for miracles in my life" and I love how she links miracles and questions. We don't grow unless we are willing to explore and wrestle with the unknown.

I've found two new communities that are helping me in this exploration. One is a closed FB group with a Mormon focus where my questions, problems, and concerns are at least validated if not agreed with.  I've also been attending another church since September.  I'm not sure where this path will lead, but the community of this other church is helping me to see possibility in my spirituality again.

Unfortunately, I've been having major digestive and anxiety issues about attending another church and not telling my Mormon friends and family.  I love the experiences I'm having and I've seen so much growth, but not coming clean feels like as much of a lie as sitting silently in my Mormon meetings did.  And although my other church does not demand that I give up my Mormon membership, beliefs, or heritage, there is a part of me that feels that I'm being a little dishonest with them too because I don't know where exactly my relationship with that church stands either.  I don't know if I'm done with Mormonism and ready to commit 100% percent to the Unitarian Universalist tradition.  I don't know if I this involvement with the UU church is just a way to help me re-frame my beliefs for a full return to Mormonism.  I don't know if I can just continue living in both worlds.  

This post is about coming clean.  It's about letting the world know where I am.  It's also a plea for patience and understanding, for me and thousands of others like me.  There might not be a lot of Mormons currently exploring this one UU congregation, but there are a lot of Mormons, or believers of other faiths, struggling to fit in, afraid to admit what they think and feel.  I'm reaching out a hand to those who feel out of place, and I'm asking you to do the same.  Let's ask the questions.  Let's wrestle with the questions. Let's bring on the miracles.

Music, Poetry, Religion

Poetry is a framework that allows us to explore the depths of who we are as individuals.  Poetry is distilled truth.  One of the things I love about poetry is that it can mean different things to different people, or even something different to the same person at different points in their lives.

Last night, my voice was tired, so I decided to work with some easier English songs rather than my physically demanding Strauss. I found myself exploring the poetry.  In any song you sing, there are really four interpretations taking place.  First, the singer should try to figure out what the poet was trying to say.  Knowing more about the poet's life--their relationships, passions, and pains--helps you to understand the origins of these words.  Then, through examining the music--the phrasing, dynamics, harmonies, etc.--you explore possibilities of how the composer might have interpreted the ideas presented by the poet.  Your life experience brings it's own interpretations to the table.  And finally, the truth you convey through the song reaches the listener where she or he again filters it through their own history and hears the truth that they need at the moment.  

What Would I Give?

I immediately love the melody of Vicki Tucker Courtney's setting of Christina Rossetti's poem, "What Would I Give?" but I didn't find any connection at all with the words.  It was about someone who couldn't feel and didn't have the words to express what they were feeling.  I feel too much and I write to process that, so this song and I just weren't connecting.  Then I did a quick review of Rossetti's life history and remembered about her religious experiences and her struggle with depression.  Suddenly, I found my connections to the song.  These ideas may not in actuality resemble anything that Rossetti or Courtney were thinking, but it gave my a direction for my own explorations.  I now have three different lenses through which to filter the truth of this song:  depression, religion, and the two of them entwined. 

Let's start with religion.

What would I give for a heart, 

a heart of flesh to warm me through, 

instead of this heart of stone ice-cold, whatever I do?  

Hard and cold and small, 

of all hearts the worst of all. 

Feelings and manifestations of the spirit are often intertwined.  We speak of a burning in the bosom as confirmation of a spiritual truth or experience.  We talk about hard hearts, closed to truth and light.
We don't talk about large, warm, open hearts enough, but they are implied as the opposite of those hard hearts we are warned about.  

Imagine someone desperate for spiritual guidance sitting through a church experience (which everyone later describes as incredibly spiritual) and feeling nothing, except how defective they must be to not feel what everyone else seems to be experiencing.  

What would I give for words, 

if only words would come?

But now in its misery

my spirit has fallen dumb.  

O merry friends, go your own way,

I have never a word to say.  

Imagine sitting in a church meeting and hearing words that instead of inspiring you, hurt you deeply.  And in that pain, you can't find the words or the courage to speak up and speak out.  The conversations after the service are all bubbly and positive, but you walk away because you don't want your pain to pull them down.  Plus, they probably wouldn't understand anyway and would just try to fix you.  

What would I give for tears?  

Not smiles but scalding tears, 

to wash the black mark clean,

and to thaw the frost of years, 

to wash the stain ingrain,

and to make me clean again.  

Again, imagine that you've been told that there is something wrong with you and that it must be because of sin and the only way to be free of that is through "godly sorrow", but you know that all the tears in the world can't change this, because it is part of who you are.  

Let's shift gears slightly at look at this from the perspective of clinical depression.  

What would I give for a heart,

a heart of flesh to warm me through, 

instead of this heart of stone ice-cold, 

whatever I do?  

Hard and cold and small, 

of all hearts the worst of all. 

Some people think that being depressed is about being sad and crying all the time.  Sometimes it is that, but there is also a kind of depression where you just become numb.  You don't feel anything.  You no longer enjoy activities, and you also can't muster the energy to care about it enough to grieve those lost experiences.  You just feel nothing.  Dull, empty nothingness.  In those moments you wish for something, even pain to break you out of the spell.  

What would I give for words, 

if only words would come?

But now in its misery

my spirit has fallen dumb.  

O merry friends, go your own way,

I have never a word to say.  

Words feed my soul.  Words help me clarify what I feel.  But sometimes, in the depth of depression, there are no words.  It's not writers block, which to me is about a lack of inspiration and direction.  It is total emptiness.  I can't speak of where I am and I can't write about it.  

What would I give for tears?  

Not smiles but scalding tears, 

to wash the black mark clean,

and to thaw the frost of years, 

to wash the stain ingrain,

and to make me clean again.  

At this point, you'll take anything, even if it is tears that are required to break the cycle.  Can you cry away the emptiness?  Can this defect be removed?  Can I be whole again?

Now take a moment to explore what depression plus religion might feel like by going back and re-reading.  Read the stanza of poetry, then the possible religious interpretation, and finally the view from depression.  Together, it is dark and not completely without hope, but close.  

The composer chooses to repeat "What would I give?" as the last line of the song.  The singer ends on the tonic of the minor key, so we know that things didn't improve immediately (which might have been indicated with a Picardy third).  We are left to wonder and wait, in much the same way the subject of the poem does. 

I haven't decided yet exactly what this song means to me, but living with those questions and options keeps me open to discovering even more depth.  

I Am the Wind

With my initial reading of "What Would I Give?" I didn't understand the words, but I was drawn to them somehow.  When I first sang Courntey's setting of the Zoe Akins poem, "I Am the Wind" I didn't experience that pull, from the text or the music.  But last night, that changed.  Again, the song is in a minor key, so maybe that is what pulled me to it last night.  The basic idea is of the poem is that you (whoever it is ) and I (whoever I am) are opposites.  I'm not big on black and white thinking, which is what this seemed to me at first.  

I am the wind that wavers,

you are the certain land; 

I am the shadow that passes

over the sand.  

I am the leaf that quivers, 

you the unshaken tree; 

you are the stars that are steadfast, 

I am the sea.  

You are the light eternal, 

like a torch I shall die; 

you are the surge of deep music, 

I but  a cry!

I first read this thinking of someone talking to their love.  "I am" and "you are" seemed an invitation to declare one good and the other bad, or one strong and one weak, but based on the way she set it, I don't think Vicki Tucker Courtney was thinking of it that way.  "I am the sea" is strong and powerful; it is really the climax of this song, so I doubt that Courtney read "the sea" as wishy-washy or the opposite of steadfast.  

Again, because I've been thinking a lot about religion lately, I saw this as possibly a description of a relationship with a church and/or God.  

I am the wind that wavers,

you are the certain land; 

I have lots of questions.  Maybe I'm unsteady or unreliable.  The church sets itself up as certain and solid and unchanging.  

I am the shadow that passes

over the sand.  

Maybe my questions darken the way of those who think they are on solid land.  But sand is not one piece of solid land.    It is billions of individual pieces that move and shift with the wind or the tide.  

I am the leaf that quivers, 

you the unshaken tree; 

I am part of the whole.  Yes, I shake and move with the wind, but the tree stays rooted and never moves.  

you are the stars that are steadfast, 

I am the sea.  

Stars give light and direction.  We think of stars as steadfast and unchanging, but in reality, they too are moving and changing, just at a rate much slower than we are.  "I am the sea."  I am alive with change.  I am the crystal clear water through which you can see to the bottom of the sea hundreds of feet below.  I am also the rolling and surging water of the waves.  I am a powerful force for change.  

The first two stanza's begin with what I am and how that is different from what you are (in this interpretation, from the church.)

For me, that changes with the last stanza.  The church is neither "the surge of deep music", nor "the light eternal."  It's no longer about the church.  It's about God.  Like God, I am a light, but my own individual influence will pass.  God's light will continue to shine.  The "surge of deep music" again is bigger than anything I can accomplish or do.  This isn't about torches or cries not mattering, because they do.  But there is something bigger and grander in play.  Bigger than me, and bigger than the church.  

The beautiful thing about poetry is that it doesn't matter if the poet or my high school English teacher see the same meaning in the poems that I do.  The point is that it makes me think and that I find my truth.  Will I see the same things in these poems 20 years down the road?  Who knows?  But for today, I found something of beauty.  That is what matters.  

Stress and Anxiety

Yesterday, my racing and pounding heart, nausea, and dizziness were joined by chest pains.  I was about 90% sure that it was just anxiety joining the party that my fibromyalgia started, but 2 friends recently had heart attacks (one fatal), 2 other friends recently were dealing with atrial fibrillation, and I kept thinking of a friend who had his heart attack in his 40's, so just to be safe, I went to the ER to have it checked out.

EKG, blood work, and x-rays of the lungs looked good, so the doctor sent me home with a prescription for Ativan and some information to read about dealing with stress.  Dealing with an anxiety attack is not something new. I've had friends and family deal with it, and I do deal with anxiety regularly, but this is the first time it has been this severe.  I laughed as I read the material, because it was definitely what I've been dealing with. And then, I decided that since I work out so much through writing, that maybe writing a little about this will help reduce the anxiety.  And maybe it won't, but at least I'll know I shared the stress with people who care and I didn't keep it all bottled up inside.

So here it is.  I'll start each section with a quote from the reading materials and then I'll fill you in on how that fits my life.

1) Try to locate the sources of stress in your life.  That may not be obvious!  These may include:

--Daily hassles of life which pile up (traffic jams, missed appointment, car troubles, etc.)

Actually, the sources of stress in my life are pretty obvious, at least to me. Here are some of the recent daily hassles:

1. With the exception of the entryway and stairs (cleaned by a wonderful friend this week), my house is a total disaster.  It's never as clean as I'd like, but with being sick and stressed for 2 months, it's worse than usual.  I basically have the time and energy to add to the mess, but not to do much of anything about it.  Keeping the laundry, dishes, and garbage somewhat under control is the best I can expect, and I don't always get that done. Dust (which causes more breathing problems) is completely out of control.  
2. Money.  Too many expenses and not enough income.  Enough said.  Most of you probably understand this.  I'm just hoping that getting the ER bill doesn't send me back there again!
3. I forgot a credit card payment (just got busy and forgot I hadn't paid it) until a transaction was denied.  Awkward.  
4. Students aren't ready for NATS.  
5. I'm trying to get involved in more MMTA education programs, but I messed up multiple things in getting a student enrolled in the voice exams.  
6. Lots of students still haven't paid me, but I haven't had the time and energy to run invoices and get them sent so I can get paid.  
7. If I push myself too hard, a fibromyalgia flare up reminds me that I can't do that. Basically, I've been living with a flare since August.  

All that is pretty normal, everyday stuff I deal with all the time.  

--Major life changes, both good (new baby, job promotion) and bad (loss of job, loss of loved one.)

This is a big one.  

1. My friend and mentor died this summer.  Besides feeling the loss, I'm also feeling the need to step up.  Both of the voice teachers that had the biggest influence on me are both gone now and it's my turn to carry on the legacy.  
2. I'm not leaving teaching voice, but I am starting a new career (which isn't paying much at this point, other than joy and health).  Situations have changed, enabling me to take more of a leadership role in our local tai chi community, and within a year or two, I may be able to make that role more official.  That's great, but it definitely adds some stress.  
3. Recent events have caused me to more closely examine my spiritual life.  There are some big decisions that need to be made, and it's difficult to talk to most people about these.  And not talking feels like not being open and truthful, which feels like a violation of my integrity.  I've found a church that feels like home and that helps me see things in a different light.  I'm not sure that I am ready to leave my old church or that I even want to, but I'm not sure how long I can walk in both worlds.  
4. I've been asked to join a blog team (Yay!) and I've been asked to submit a guest blog for another group that is doing a series and they value my perspective on this topic.  I'm really excited for both opportunities, but it's one more thing on my plate.  Plus, as you can tell, my own blogs tend to be more vomiting feelings and I'd like these to be slightly higher quality. 

--Overload: feeling that you have too many responsibilities and can't take care of all of them at once.

1. See all of the above.  
2. I'm trying to be more involved in MMTA programs, but they need people to run the programs and I don't feel like I can take on anymore.  At the very least, I should be volunteering for every event I enter students in.  I also don't feel like I can run a program when I'm still messing up getting my first student enrolled for it.  
3. We have a Tai Chi Down Under Fundraiser on Nov. 2.  It will be awesome, but I will be stressed until it's over.  By the way, if you want to make some food for the bake sale or work at the bake sale tables that day, let me know.  We need all the help we can get.  
4. I have this great website system that also helps me with scheduling and bookkeeping for the studio, but it still requires a lot of work to get all the data entered.  And I am always behind. 

--Feeling helpless, feeling that your problems are beyond what you're able to solve.  

Believe it or not, this one is not a major issue right now.  I will get through this.  I know that.  The quality of my work might not be what I want, but the world will not come to an end because of it.  In that, at least, I think I've come a long way in the last several years.  

2) Notice how your body reacts to stress.  Learn to listen to your body signals.  This will help you take action before the stress becomes severe.

This one just makes me laugh.  I know the signals.  And I also know a lot about how to cope with them.  But I can't exactly stop a lesson or a class and make people wait while I do 30 minutes of deep breathing and meditation.  I'm trying to work it in at other times and do quick fixes between lessons, but sometimes you just have to push through, or take a day and a half off work like I did this week, which only moves the stress to a later date when I have to make all of that up.  

I'm also exercising at least 5 days a week (3 days of 2 hours of tai chi and qigong, 2 days circuit training and walking for a total of 45-60 minutes).  That physical activity really does help, especially when I'm not too exhausted to move.  

I now also have Ativan to treat the anxiety, but that basically means sleeping (or at least no driving and anything else needing clear thinking for 6-8 hours.)  Again, not a great solution for when I feel stress or anxiety at work.  

3)When you can, do something about the source of your stress.  (Avoid hassles, limit the amount of change that happens in your life at one time and take a break when you feel overloaded.)

Laughing.  Again.  Until I win Powerball, most of these stresses won't go away.  

4) Unfortunately many stressful situation cannot be avoided.  It is necessary to learn HOW TO MANAGE STRESS better. There are many proven methods that will reduce your anxiety. These include simple things like exercise, good nutrition and adequate rest.  Also there are certain techniques that are helpful:  relaxation and breathing exercises, visualization, biofeedback, and meditation.  For more information about this, consult your doctor or go to a local bookstore and review the many books and tapes available on this subject.  

1. Thank you for admitting that we can't avoid all stress.  
2. I love how "HOW TO MANAGE STRESS" is all capital letters like they are yelling at me.  
3. See above for exercise I do.  
4. Nutrition does make a difference.  Food sensitivities add to stress. I'm pretty much gluten free now and since I think I also have sensitivities to dairy, chocolate, and sugar, I'm also working to minimize, and hopefully eventually eliminate, those.
5. I'm the queen of anti-stress breathing and relaxation techniques. I have a few visualization exercises that work well.  I've done biofeedback, and I'm exploring different kinds of meditation.  
6. I probably know more about anxiety than my doctor.  
7. I probably need to get back to regular counseling appointments, but I don't know how to fit that into my schedule and my budget (Ha! Ha!) right now without adding more stress.  
8. I already own a bunch of related books.  
9. Going to the bookstore means spending money, which causes stress.  I may explore some more things from the library.  Due dates and late fees are less stress than not having money for bills because I spent it at the bookstore.  

So…that's my anxiety story.  I don't expect the things that cause stress to change anytime in the near future, but hopefully I'll continue to get better with how I deal with them.  

Pendulums, Paradoxes, and Pachyderms

It's that time again.  This weekend is the semi-annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Some of my friends are excited for this weekend because it brings them a lot of joy and peace and helps them to re-focus on the things that really matter to them.  Other friends are avoiding it completely or dreading the talks that hurt and open old wounds.  And then my friends that aren't Mormon either don't know it's going on at all or wonder why it is such a big deal.

I'll be honest.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to watch conference this year. With everything that has happened, it just seemed easier to avoid it completely.  But, I believe that there is always a possibility that something could be said that is exactly what I need to hear.  With that in mind, I started thinking about how I can get something from this conference and not let myself be overwhelmed by the drama and the pain.

Years ago, I wrote an essay about pendulums, paradoxes, and pachyderms.  It was focused mostly on teaching singing, but I realized that those ideas can be expanded to include spirituality in general, and General Conference specifically. So now, you get the revise version of the essay.

Pendulums

In my early years of voice training, I would go to one lesson, learn a concept, apply it all week, and then go back, only to have the teacher give me almost the exact opposite advice the next week.  For a black and white thinker who was also a people pleaser, this was extremely confusing and frustrating for me.  I would think I had something figured out and that I was doing what had been asked of me, and then it seemed like everything I was doing was wrong.  Unfortunately, no one had ever explained the pendulum principle of teaching to me.  I figured it out on my own and now share it with all my students so that they know what is going on.  

Here's the basic idea:  Sometimes in an attempt to correct, we steer in the opposite direction.  If the pendulum has swung too far to the right, we send it left to correct.  In fact, we don't even send it.  The extreme position itself creates the move in the opposite direction.  Often the pendulum swings back and forth several times before finally settling to rest in the center.  

If a voice student comes in with a muffled, woofy, dark sound, a teacher might use imagery and instructions that help the student bring the sound more forward (singing into the mask, aiming the sound at the upper teeth, etc.)  A student may need to think about being bright or forward in order to actually bring the tone to a balanced place.  

We get into trouble when we confuse the thought process or imagery with the actual goal.  If the student mentioned above corrects their tone production, but thinks that thinking of bright and forward is the solution to every person's tone problem, that student will not be a good teacher.  If they encounter someone who is already quite bright and forward, and even pinched in the way they are producing their sound, it will be disastrous to ask them to do more of that.  One of my colleagues refers to that as "peeling the paint off the walls."  The student with the bright and tight voice needs a different solution to help him or her find the most beautiful tone possible.  

I personally think that much of religion is swinging the pendulum.  Policies, rules, commandments, etc. are about reversing the direction when we're headed the wrong way, but that doesn't mean that the rule itself is the goal.  For example, the Mormon church and many evangelical Christian churches have in recent years experienced a renewed focus on modesty.  In reaction to the sexualization of the female body, churches are more and more encouraging people (especially females) to cover up.  In the 50's and 60's, shoulders were not a modesty issue (see pictures of Anne Romney before she and Mitt were married, or google BYU Homecoming queens from that era), but today, Mormons are encouraged to cover up more, and some are even putting short sleeved shirts under infants' sleeveless sundresses.  

So what do pendulums mean for my General Conference experience this year?  Pendulums remind me to look for the principle, not just the action or rule.  

John Taylor, the third President of the Church, reported: “Some years ago, in Nauvoo, a gentleman in my hearing, a member of the Legislature, asked Joseph Smith how it was that he was enabled to govern so many people, and to preserve such perfect order; remarking at the same time that it was impossible for them to do it anywhere else. Mr. Smith remarked that it was very easy to do that. ‘How?’ responded the gentleman; ‘to us it is very difficult.’ Mr. Smith replied, ‘I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.’”

from Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith

Pendulums remind me to ask, "Why?"  Pendulums remind me that I need to see the goal, not just all the minute adjustments in course that take me there.

Paradoxes

Paradoxes are seemingly contradictory things that are both true.  One of the best examples of this in singing is chiaroscuro.  We don't want just bright.  We don't want just dark.  We don't want the place between the two (like we might get with swinging the pendulum.)  We want them both.  Bright and dark at the same time.  This description from wikipedia is actually pretty good.  

Chiaroscuro (Italian for "light-dark") is part of bel canto an originally Italian classical singing technique in which a brilliant sound referred to as squillo is coupled with a dark timbre called scuro, which is often perceived as having great depth or warmth. Chiaroscuro is commonly used in opera. Within operatic singing, especially in Italian, the vowel "Ah" is a perfect example of where chiaroscuro can be used. When singing "Ah" it must have a bright Italian "Ah", while at the same time having depth and space in the tone, achieved through the use of breath and the body.

It's easy to read scripture or listen to General Conference and find lots of contradictions.  It's also easy to then dismiss the information because of the contradiction, but what if both ideas are true?

We don't have to go back any further than the conference of April 2013 for a good example of where this might be the case.  President Boyd K. Packer warned us of the tolerance trap in his address, "These Things I Know."  At the conclusion of the April 2013 conference, President Thomas S. Monson said,

I admonish you to be good citizens of the nations in which you live and good neighbors in your communities, reaching out to those of other faiths as well as to our own. May we be tolerant of, as well as kind and loving to, those who do not share our beliefs and our standards. The Savior brought to this earth a message of love and goodwill to all men and women. May we ever follow His example.

So which is it?  Should we be tolerant or is tolerance a trap?  Maybe the answer is both.

As I watch and listen to conference, I need to remind myself to be open to the possibilities of paradoxes.  I need to let myself wrestle with the contradictions until the truth can find it's way to the surface.  I need to remember that it doesn't have to be one way or the other.  It can be both.

Pachyderms

There is an old tale of an elephant and some blind men.  Each of the men examines a part of the elephant, and thinking that it is representative of the whole, declares their truth about what an elephant is.  The man who has examined the trunk of the elephant declares that an elephant is a snake-like creature.  The man who felt the strong, thick leg of the elephant says that an elephant is like a tree.  And the story goes on, each man describing their own truth, but unable to "see" the truth of what an elephant really is until they share their individual perceptions to create a complete picture.  

I think that truth is an infinitely large table on which we place our individual tiny circles of experience and perceived truth.  It becomes an infinitely large and multi-dimensional Venn diagram.  Those places of intersection, the places where multiple circles overlap,  are where culture, society, and religion grow.  We have a shared truth.  But we get into trouble if the only truth we allow or accept is that which falls in the overlapping areas of the majority of the group.  

Brigham Young declared, 

“Mormonism,” so-called, embraces every principle pertaining to life and salvation, for time and eternity. No matter who has it. If the infidel has got truth it belongs to “Mormonism.” The truth and sound doctrine possessed by the sectarian world, and they have a great deal, all belong to this Church. As for their morality, many of them are, morally, just as good as we are. All that is good, lovely, and praiseworthy belongs to this Church and Kingdom. “Mormonism” includes all truth. There is no truth but what belongs to the Gospel. It is life, eternal life; it is bliss; it is the fulness of all things in the gods and in the eternities of the gods (DBY, 3).

Truth is both bigger and more beautiful than we can even begin to imagine.  It cannot be contained in a single sermon or even the entirety of this conference weekend.  In this video, Elder Holland talks about the prayerful preparation that goes into these talks.


I have no trouble believing that someone in the world needs to hear the words as they are delivered.  I also believe that some of the messages won't apply to all of us.   We're often encouraged to "Follow the Prophet," but it's also important to remember that we are entitled to receive personal revelation about how those things should be applied in our lives.  Elder Oaks addressed that idea this way,

If you feel you are a special case, so that the strong counsel I have given doesn’t apply to you, please don’t write me a letter. Why would I make this request? I have learned that the kind of direct counsel I have given results in a large number of letters from members who feel they are an exception, and they want me to confirm that the things I have said just don’t apply to them in their special circumstance.
I will explain why I can’t offer much comfort in response to that kind of letter by telling you an experience I had with another person who was troubled by a general rule. I gave a talk in which I mentioned the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” (Ex. 20:13). Afterward a man came up to me in tears saying that what I had said showed there was no hope for him. “What do you mean?” I asked him.
He explained that he had been a machine gunner during the Korean War. During a frontal assault, his machine gun mowed down scores of enemy infantry. Their bodies were piled so high in front of his gun that he and his men had to push them away in order to maintain their field of fire. He had killed a hundred, he said, and now he must be going to hell because I had spoken of the Lord’s commandment “Thou shalt not kill.”
The explanation I gave that man is the same explanation I give to you if you feel you are an exception to what I have said. As a General Authority, I have the responsibility to preach general principles. When I do, I don’t try to define all the exceptions. There are exceptions to some rules. For example, we believe the commandment is not violated by killing pursuant to a lawful order in an armed conflict. But don’t ask me to give an opinion on your exception. I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord.
The Prophet Joseph Smith taught this same thing in another way. When he was asked how he governed such a diverse group of Saints, he said, “I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.” ⁴ In what I have just said, I am simply teaching correct principles and inviting each one of you to act upon these principles by governing yourself.

The messages we hear at General Conference will be general rules and guidelines designed to address the needs of the majority of the people listening.  Not every message will inspire or even apply to every person.  It is quite possible that the same message that causes pain for one person might be exactly the thing another person needs to bring peace and joy to his or her life.  In cases like that, I would hope that the person who felt joy would be able to honor the pain of the other, without trying to convince them that it is wrong to feel that way.  And I would hope that it works the other way too.  Can I find a way to rejoice with my brothers and sisters over the things they love, without telling them how wrong they are, even if it is wrong for me?  

This year, for conference I'm listening differently.  I'm listening for the messages that are there for me, and letting go of those that may be helpful for others, but are not helping me right now.  I'm listening for things that might cause pain to people I love and getting ready to be there to support them in that pain.  I'm listening for things that bring strength to people I love so I can support them in that too.  But mostly I'm listening because I can't honestly say I'm searching for truth if I cut off this avenue that for me still holds the possibility of more truth.  

Rethinking Faith

There is a bigger, broader post in the works about faith, but I needed to share a few things now.  Shaping the ideas into words and setting them in some semi-permanent form will help me to anchor them so that I can explore them in more depth when I add them to the big post.

The concept of faith fascinates me, but it frustrates me too.  Faith should play a big part in my life as a Mormon, but the truth is, I have serious faith issues because I have trust issues.  And because of the words and ideas that I've always associated with faith, I believed my own faith was either defective or nonexistent.  Then I decided to be brave, take some risks, and see where it lead me.

September has been a month of exploring faith (and it's not done yet!)  This week, I went to a writing session focused on faith, and as usually happens when I really open myself up to writing, I learned some really important things about faith and about myself.

I think that as much as we might like to have a one-size-fits-all answer for faith, that's not the way it works.  Faith manifests itself in different ways for different people or at different times.   As we wrote the other night, I connected to how faith works in my life.

Faith can be testing the ground to make sure that it is safe before moving on.  I thought about tai chi walking, a drill we do frequently to explore balance and weight-shift.  You must be firmly grounded, with all the weight transferred to one foot before the other leaves the ground.  Then the empty foot lifts and does what we call a clearing step, a small sweep to make sure nothing is in the way.  You set down the heel, then the toe.  The foot is flat on the ground, but no weight has been committed yet.  You could easily pick up the foot and move it back to where it started.  Then, when you know there is firm ground beneath you, supporting you, you shift the weight to that foot.  Even after you have shifted the weight, as long as both feet are still on the ground, you are free to shift the weight back, forward, or balance it between both feet.  Your waist and upper body naturally, easily turn in the direction of the weighted foot.  If you choose to move forward again, you simply place all weight in that foot and lift the other foot for the next step.

I used to think about faith as "95% of people can walk across this icy parking lot without falling, so you should be able to too." To be careful or cautious about the way I proceeded seemed to be a lack of faith.  It worked for everyone else, so it should work for me too.  Now I understand faith as moving forward.  Period.  And if I need to take my steps with the certainty that tai chi walking provides, that can still be faith.

I also learned that my belief in possibility is also my faith.  Being a Star Trek Mormon is a legitimate way of operating in faith.

I'm excited to see where this exploration takes me and what the final form of the big blog post becomes.  Faith is what is important to you, and what you set your heart upon.  And faith always includes an element of Love. And in the end, Love, whatever it is and however you get there, is all that matters.

Yes and No

I had trouble deciding what to call this post.

So Close and Yet So Far.
Close, But No Cigar.
Every Cloud Has Its Silver Lining.

Basically what it comes down to is this:  Yes!  Really?  I agree with your words but not your intent.

It didn't take long for news of Elder Russell M. Nelson's commencement address to reach the Mormon internet hangouts.  Deseret News even covered it. For the record, their coverage isn't surprising in any way.  They usually have something about all the commencements at all the BYU campuses.   Before I read the Deseret News story, I had already seen reports in a few Facebook groups and I had read some blog responses, and I'll be honest, responses were not happy.  And in reading the Deseret News story, neither was I.  OK, I'll be honest again.  I'm still not happy, but I took the time to watch the video and it's not as bad as I expected.  I watched the video because the title that Deseret News used and a couple of the places where they paraphrased instead of quoting actually seemed to be the most offensive parts of the talk.

This is the title of the Deseret News piece by Marianne Holman.

Elder Russell M. Nelson speaks at BYU commencement: Disciples of Jesus Christ are defenders of marriage

These are the two problem spots from the article.

Because of that, true disciples — those who are able to stand for what is right — are needed, especially those who are defenders of marriage, he said.

and

Although the “burden of discipleship is heavy,” he said that disciples of the Lord will have help and protection as they stand as defenders of marriage.  

Most of the comments I was reading online, including this blog and this blog interpreted that as "true disciples of Christ are defenders of traditional marriage (meaning they will fight against marriage equality for gays)." Because I am always one to give a person the benefit of the doubt, I actually watched the entire address (three or four times if you count searching for and typing the parts I want to share here).  I specifically listened for "true disciples" and either "traditional marriage" or "same-sex marriage" to be used in the same sentence.  I'm happy to say that he chose his words very carefully.  It's not there.  No easy sound bite.  But the way he frames it leaves no doubt about the intent, at least not to me.  He wants people engaged in the fight against legalizing same-sex marriage.  And this is the part that is troubling to the Mormon LGBT community and allies.  A man that we sustain as a prophet, seer, and revelator used commencement (not even General Conference or a fireside or a talk in regular church, but commencement!) to address this touchy political and religious subject.  And I'm sorry, but I have to agree with some commenters.  If disciples of Christ are defenders of traditional marriage, the opposite seems implied:  if you in favor of marriage equality you are not a disciple of Christ.  Who gets to decide if I actually qualify as a disciple of Christ?  Me and Christ. Nobody else.  Unfortunately, many people in the Mormon church believe that publicly disagreeing with the words of a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, like the bloggers I linked to above did or as I am doing now, is wrong.  (How wrong seems to be linked to how vocal you are, how public you are, and if you are male or female.)

__________

Moving on because this post really is about the good stuff in the talk.

__________

What I found as I listened is that there are many good and beautiful things expressed here if you can read between the lines or remove his obvious agenda.  That is what this post is really about--all the things that he and I agree on, and my slightly different take on some of what he said.

He started out great.  He does talk about families and eternal families, but he also talks about the power of strong partnerships and working together and even mentions examples of other kinds of partnerships.  (The Mayo brothers, lawyers, and others.) Improvements depend upon collaboration and agreement.   He talks about the skills of sharing insights, efforts, and building consensus.   Even though he keeps referencing husband and wife I like this because he also included other kinds of partnerships.  He even says that we need to develop our own attributes and character.  So far so good.

He says, it's time for you to define your own goals and expectations. Rather than focusing on what you need to do,  zero in on what you are to be.  Still good.

He asks what you would like to have said about you at your funeral?  The first things he references are being a good father or mother, and I let that slide because I know it is important to many even though it will probably never be a part of my life.  He lists some other great things, and then shifts to virtues, segueing into more family/marriage talk.  He uses the word relationships and I love that.  I also think that our biggest opportunities for growth happen in relationships.  He would probably say that that happens in families.  I think it can happen in lots of kinds of relationships.

Male and female are created for what they can do and become together.

I love this idea.  Not so much as one male plus one female can accomplish X, but as the need to be interdependent, to view relationships and every part of the world as an essential part of our own experience.

He says that by our individual and family examples, we can tell the world how God defines marriage.  I'm with him on this, but I just don't think that there is sufficient evidence for us to really know what God thinks about this. I think this is one of those areas that we just plain don't have all the light and truth about yet.

Slight tangent--I'm looking forward to the day when we hear something similar to this quote from Bruce R. McConkie given shortly after the the change in policy and doctrine related to the priesthood and temple ordinances for blacks.

Forget everything that I have said, or what President Brigham Young or President George Q. Cannon or whomsoever has said in days past that is contrary to the present revelation. We spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world.
We get our truth and our light line upon line and precept upon precept. We have now had added a new flood of intelligence and light on this particular subject, and it erases all the darkness and all the views and all the thoughts of the past. They don’t matter any more.
It doesn’t make a particle of difference what anybody ever said about the Negro matter before the first day of June of this year, 1978. It is a new day and a new arrangement, and the Lord has now given the revelation that sheds light out into the world on this subject.

Back to Elder Nelson.

He gives a great quote from Paul that I think many people on both sides of this issue can relate to.  In the world at large, some Mormons are feeling persecuted because they are defending traditional marriage.  But it applies the other way too.  LGBT Mormons and allies within the church don't have an easy road either.

Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.
2 Timothy 3:12 

Elder Nelson says,

It will not be comfortable for true disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.  

(See the second blog post above for another perspective on true disciples.)

The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday.  It's about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night,  24/7.  There is no such thing as a part-time disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Amen!!!!  I can no longer just sit in the pews and nod and pretend smile when I don't agree.  I can't sit and watch people hurt my friends.  I have to proclaim the truth with kindness even when it is unpopular.

I believe you will be courageous and proclaim God's truth with clarity and kindness even when his truth is politically unpopular.

Again, a fabulous quote.  I will just add this, what about when it's unpopular at church?

Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage.  We cannot yield.  

Yes.  I am all about defending marriage.  Although I'm not currently married, I see it as a good and wonderful thing and I do think that God is pleased when there are strong marriages. But defending marriage isn't about preventing certain people from being able to marry.  It's about making sure your own marriage is strong.  Can we be defenders of marriage that speak out about abuse?  Can we be defenders of marriage that advocate for more family time?  Can we be defenders of marriage that support and love our same-sex married friends?  I feel called to defend those marriages too.

The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to his Gospel. 

I'm with him on this too although we might disagree about what the gospel is.

Elder Nelson reminds us that we take upon ourselves the name of Christ, and renew that covenant every time we take the sacrament.  I'm totally with him on this too, but I think we have some different ideas about what this means.  He seems to mean that we need to fall in line and do whatever the church leaders say.  To me, it means that we remember the most important thing Jesus taught:  love.  That is what the gospel is, not a bunch of rules and not trying to keep other people from having the opportunity for happiness, growth, and love in their lives.

I'm totally open to the possibility that I'm wrong and he's totally right.  But I still feel that we are a long way from having the full truth, all the light and knowledge, that God wants us to have about this issue.  We've come a long way, but there is still a long way to go.

Disclaimer

Disclaimer:  The thoughts and opinions expressed in this blog post are mine and do not represent and are not sponsored by and church or other organization.  

Also, I am well aware that this might be the post in which I cross the line and get myself into trouble.  

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints recently made changes to the Church Handbook of Instructions, specifically with regards to internet use and social media. You can see some of the changes here.  In that article they also link to the Handbook itself where you can read more.  I followed that link and read this in the section about the personal use of the internet by the members.

Members are encouraged to share messages from official Church websites and social accounts, as well as their own words, images, and media. As members express their own thoughts and feelings, they should not give the impression that they represent or are sponsored by the Church.

It concerns me because we are repeatedly asked to be representatives of the church, to share the gospel with everyone we come in contact with.  In that context, I think this has the potential to back fire.

"I'm a Mormon! Ask me about the LDS church! But you should know that nothing I say actually counts. It's just my opinion, not church doctrine."

Even when I was a child we were asked to write our testimonies in the front cover of Books of Mormon and give them to people. Now it seems like if we want people to follow this rule regarding things that the church might not want reflecting poorly on them, we also need to add a disclaimer to every testimony shared.

"I know the church is true. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet. But those are just my own thoughts and feelings and do not represent and are not sponsored by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."

It's messy.  We are the church (the body of Christ, diverse individuals with one purpose) but we are not the Church (First Presidency, Quorum of the Twelve, PR department).

On one level, this instruction is great because it acknowledges that we are one church but we don't necessarily all think and feel and believe the same things.  But it also gives the impression that anything that doesn't come stamped with the Church's famous trademarked logo doesn't count for anything, when in reality, it is the testimonies, thoughts, and feelings of the members that are at the core of what many believe the church to be.

It's good to stop and think about what you are sharing.  Using phrases like, "In my opinion," or "In my experience," or even, "I believe," would make some church meetings far more bearable.  There are a lot of things that aren't exactly doctrinal that get shared in Sunday School and other meetings.

The hard part is determining what is actually doctrine and what is not.  In the Mormon world lines get blurry between doctrine, policy, and culture.  And don't think you can look to past and present General Authorities to sort things out.  For a wide-range of ideas, I can find conflicting statements from different prophets, seers, and revelators.  Part of that comes from the fact that we believe in continuing revelation.  Generally what we are taught is that the doctrine that counts is what we have heard most recently from our leaders.  Brigham Young and Bruce R. McConkie (and a lot of others) were wrong about black people.

The other thing that bothers me is that the Church (capital C) makes statements on my behalf that I don't necessarily agree with (especially regarding same-sex marriage).  Because I am a member, people judge me by the actions and statements of the entire Church.  But…I am only a member, and the Church (whoever The Church is) doesn't want my thoughts and actions reflecting poorly on them.  I get it, but I don't like it.

Therefore, I am publishing this blog post as a disclaimer for all things I say or write anywhere regarding any topic at any time in the future.  I do not represent The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, nor am I sponsored by them in any way.  

I will continue to speak and write about the Church, both the good and the bad.  I've lived my life trying not to make other people or organizations look bad.  It's not a bad ideal, but it means that I've silenced myself too much.  I have to talk and share and discuss and debate if I am to grow.  I can no longer just sit and listen and keep my thoughts to myself if I don't agree.

There is a Season

I'm a planner.  I like to set goals and map out how I can get there.  I can make any plan look good on paper.  My 2010 New Year's Resolutions are awesome.  And they are still posted on my refrigerator because although they were great goals, I haven't accomplished many of them.

Life is really about making plans and being flexible enough to adjust as other things come your way.  That is what this summer has been.

My summer plans:

• Read a lot and do reviews for my book blog.  
• Add boot camp to the two times a week I was already at the gym so I'd get a good cardio and strength training workout at least 3 times a week.  
• Gradually build up my endurance so that by the end of the summer I could walk to the gym, do my circuit training or boot camp and walk home.  
• Daily tai chi and qigong to help prepare for the classes I will be a teaching assistant for in the fall.  
• Revise lesson plans, studio documents, and website for my voice studio.  
• Update my song catalog.
• Explore new musical theatre repertoire.
• Do most of the work for my NCTM.  (National music teacher certification program offered through MTNA.)
• Deep clean my house and keep up with regular cleaning. 
• Cut out dairy, chocolate, and sugar (all of which I know cause more pain, depression, inflammation, etc.) 
• Blog a lot on all 3 blogs.  

What I've really done towards those goals:

• Almost completed reading one book about teaching.  Read a few other books, but haven't really done any book reviews yet.  
• Cut back at the gym because I couldn't pay for boot camp or personal training. 
• Dealt with Fibromyalgia flare ups.  If I'm in pain at half a mile, it doesn't really matter if I have the physical endurance to go longer.  This kind of pain is not good to push through.  I definitely won't be achieving my walk to the gym goal.  
• I'm not even close to the daily tai chi practice that was my goal, but I did do 4 tai chi depth classes, teacher certification for seated tai chi and fall prevention, and a 1 day Shibashi workshop.
• I'm actually doing well with the goal to revise lesson plans, studio documents, and website for my voice studio.  It's not all done, but I am on target to be there by the time school starts.  
• Song catalog updates are slower than I planned.  This got bumped to the bottom of the priority list.  
• I have explored a little more musical theatre rep.  Again, not as much as I wanted, but not a total fail.  
• I had to drop the NCTM classes because I couldn't pay for them or the application.  I thought I would do more on my own, but other things got in the way.  
• Total fail on the cleaning stuff.  Again, other things got in the way or if I did actually have time, I didn't have energy.  
• Grief asked for chocolate ice cream (among other things.)  I could only cope with so much at once.  I'm doing better.  Today is day 3 sugar free.  I'm not cutting out all the dairy yet.  
• I've done some blogging, but it's been a hard summer for writing.  

What I wasn't planning on but spent more time and energy on instead:

• Grieving.  
• Stressing over money.  
• Exploring options to bring in more money.  I have some great plans for the future.  We'll see what actually gets done.  
• Digging, exploring, examining, and reflecting on what I believe and why.
• Planning for a big part I have in an upcoming fundraiser.
• I got involved in a new scripture study group in a new (to me) FB group.  
• Salad everyday (or almost every day.)  I can't get enough.  

I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't do everything right now. And as much as I plan, I have to also be flexible enough to deal with what life throws at me.  "To everything there is a season."  Unfortunately, I don't always get a lot of say in which season I'm in.  

Summer isn't over yet.  I'm interested to see what actually happens in these next few weeks.