I Was a Liar

When I quote someone, I like to check and make sure that I actually have the quote correct and that my source didn't make it up or change something dramatically. Today I'm not doing that. There are two reasons. First, I don't want to wait to share these thoughts until after I order and receive the book. Second, the words are even more important that who wrote them or in which book they were written. This was recently posted on the unofficial Chieko Okazaki Facebook page.

Sometimes I think we don’t create a very hospitable climate for questions in our Sunday School classes, Relief Societies, and priesthood quorums. Sometimes we give people the very clear message that there’s something wrong with them if they don’t know something already, or if they don’t see it the same way as the teacher or understand it to the same degree as the rest of the class. . . .
So people lie. They say they understand when they really don’t. Or they say they agree when they really don’t. Or they find one point they can agree on and swallow the four points they disagree on. Or they suppress the perfectly wonderful questions they have, because they’re afraid that the questions may sound accusatory or faithless. As a result, no miracles happen. . . . If we don’t have questions, there won’t be any miracles for us. I don’t know about you, but I need miracles in my life. I want miracles in my life. I hunger and thirst for miracles in my life. So I think I’d better ask questions---questions from the heart, questions that hurt, questions with answers that I’m afraid will hurt.
-Chieko Okazaki, Disciples, p. 229-230

If I had to identify the core of all the things I've learned from my parents, that core would be honesty and integrity.  As a small child, if I did something wrong, I might get in trouble.  If I did something wrong and then lied about it, I'd be in a lot more trouble.  I've watched as situations in their lives caused them to make major life changes rather than compromise their integrity.

Honesty is important to me.  I can forgive almost anything if I'm told the truth.  But living with honesty and integrity, especially when it comes to the church has been difficult for me.  I worry that if I'm truthful about what I think and feel that I will lead someone away, so I don't share much.  I bite my tongue and try not to make waves.  But it hasn't led to good things. Instead it's lead to a life of not knowing, not fitting in, and constantly being frustrated spiritually.

This post was originally titled, "I Am a Liar", but I changed it because I've decided that I can't be a liar any longer.  I've been that person who didn't get it, but sat there silently because I didn't feel safe enough to ask questions.  I've been the person who has sat through a class silently screaming, "No!" but who goes home without ever having shared my dissenting opinion.  I am the one who is unsure of how to participate in a Sunday School or Relief Society class in a productive, non-apostate way, even though my bishop and I have discussed it.  So mostly, I don't go. Church became more pain than nourishment.

I not only need to ask the questions, I need to live with the questions.  As I've opened to questions, to the messiness of not having one right answer, something that might surprise a lot of Mormons began to happen:  I began to grow spiritually.  Like Chieko, "I hunger and thirst for miracles in my life" and I love how she links miracles and questions. We don't grow unless we are willing to explore and wrestle with the unknown.

I've found two new communities that are helping me in this exploration. One is a closed FB group with a Mormon focus where my questions, problems, and concerns are at least validated if not agreed with.  I've also been attending another church since September.  I'm not sure where this path will lead, but the community of this other church is helping me to see possibility in my spirituality again.

Unfortunately, I've been having major digestive and anxiety issues about attending another church and not telling my Mormon friends and family.  I love the experiences I'm having and I've seen so much growth, but not coming clean feels like as much of a lie as sitting silently in my Mormon meetings did.  And although my other church does not demand that I give up my Mormon membership, beliefs, or heritage, there is a part of me that feels that I'm being a little dishonest with them too because I don't know where exactly my relationship with that church stands either.  I don't know if I'm done with Mormonism and ready to commit 100% percent to the Unitarian Universalist tradition.  I don't know if I this involvement with the UU church is just a way to help me re-frame my beliefs for a full return to Mormonism.  I don't know if I can just continue living in both worlds.  

This post is about coming clean.  It's about letting the world know where I am.  It's also a plea for patience and understanding, for me and thousands of others like me.  There might not be a lot of Mormons currently exploring this one UU congregation, but there are a lot of Mormons, or believers of other faiths, struggling to fit in, afraid to admit what they think and feel.  I'm reaching out a hand to those who feel out of place, and I'm asking you to do the same.  Let's ask the questions.  Let's wrestle with the questions. Let's bring on the miracles.