I should have seen this coming!

I've probably written this post before, or at least one very similar. And I'll probably write it at least a few more times before I finally quit being so stupid.

Fibromyalgia is my friend. It warns me when I'm doing too much and pushing myself too far. I've been majorly stressed since getting back to work after the holidays. There have just been too many things to do and not enough time and energy. To be honest, there have been a few good days here and there, but sometimes that's not such a good thing as I push myself even harder when I feel well.

Last week was pretty much a full fibromylagia flare up. The pain and tension were way up and the energy was way down. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it to someone that hasn't lived it. It's not just about being tired. Even fatigued doesn't quite describe it. I was so weak that a couple of times I wasn't sure I could walk. I did, but it took a lot of effort. Then there was Wednesday night while I was waiting for my takeout at Noodles. (No time to cook between work and meetings.) All I had to do was stand there and wait. I just about fell over and had to grab the wall to steady myself.

But my fibromylagia flare up isn't what this post is really about. The post is about me being stupid and not listening to my body's cries for rest. I'm on the planning committee for a major event that happens on Feb. 5. (Check out the website at www.voicesofhopemn.org). There were things that had to happen this week. I couldn't just put them off. So I did them. And because I failed to listen to my body's warnings, it had to take more drastic measures. It always does. When I don't listen to the pain and the fatigue and do something about it, my body resorts to its only other option in trying to get me to rest--it lets the germs take over.

Well, I got plenty of rest today because every time I got up to do something I felt like crap. The thing that really annoyed me was that when I was in bed, I didn't feel sick enough to just lie around wasting time. I did manage to accomplish a few things today, but none of the things that really needed to get done. I can probably allow myself most of Sunday to continue recovering, but once Monday hits, I have no choice. I have to work and get this stuff done. There are no times left in the schedule for make up lessons and I can't just refund the money since I really need it. The event will happen whether I get my stuff done or not, but the responsible part of me won't let me drop the ball at this point.

So either I get really healthy with my one more day of rest, or next weekend I'll be really, really sick. Why do I do this?

Tests and Trials

Nearly 2 years behind schedule, Boeing began a 10 month test flight program in December on their new 787 Dreamliner. A lot is riding on the success or failure of this plane. They have already received orders for 840 planes at an official cost of $150 million per plane. Boeing is a major employer in the Seattle area and many, many lives are affected by what happens at Boeing. The first flight was a success and everything went as planned. The second flight however had some minor difficulties with the landing gear. Did they label the 787 a failure and scrap the whole project? Of course not! They expected there to be some problems. That is what the test flights are about--to see how the plane performs under a variety of circumstances, and if it doesn't perform as expected, to keep tweaking it until it does.

The link below tells more about the second flight and also has some great quotes that I will be referring to.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/boeingaerospace/2010568452_secondflight23.html

So why all this stuff about Boeing? Today I had a mini-inspiration and Boeing's story seemed like a great way to explain it. Today in church, the person giving the Invocation said something to the effect of "we know this life is a trial," referring of course to our belief that this life is a test to see if we will prove ourselves worthy of all that the Father has to give us. As he said it though, my thought was "this life is a trial-run, a chance to see if we are ready for the real thing."

As I've mentioned before, I'm in the process of reframing a lot of what I learned at church as a child. I think that I ended up with a lot of ideas that weren't necessarily doctrine, or even what those teaching me intended me to get. We learn through the filter of our own personal experiences and personalities. I was born a perfectionist and a rule keeper. Everything was black and white. I do believe that this was part of who I came to this earth as, part of my personality, and not just what I was being taught.

To me, tests and trials were about judgement, pass or fail, good enough or not good enough. I was frustrated that people kept telling me to think about the eternal perspective and that the difficulties of this life didn't matter much in the context of eternity. Our lives were just a tiny point in the line of our existence. Then in the next breath, they would say that this life is our one chance. If you do well, you get the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. If not, well it doesn't really matter what happens if not, because if you are not in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, you have failed and will not be able to progress. You have one life and only one, and when you are dead there are no more chances to change. We are here to prove to ourselves, not all-knowing God, where we really belong.

Or at least that is what I thought they were saying to me.

The slightly more mature me sees trials and tests as learning experiences. Pass or fail is not as important as what you gain from the experience. It is in the process of getting there that we learn what we need to know. And so when I thought about life as a trial run, it just made sense. Heavenly Father has promised us all that he has, but he has to know that we can handle it. Life isn't a one time pass or fail. It is a series of test flights. Some are successful and some...well, not so much. Each of these flights gives Heavenly Father a chance to see where we are and what we need to become like him. It's not all or nothing. He's not going to scrap the project. He will (and we should) keep tweaking it and fixing the little things until all is as it should be.

Now for the quotes:

Aviation-safety expert John Nance, upon hearing a description of the problems based on recordings of the flight's radio chatter, said they sounded "pretty straightforward. ... These are things you always have on a test flight."

Did you catch that? "These are things you always have on a test flight." ALWAYS. Nobody is perfect. We should expect some mistakes and difficulties.

A company statement said, "It's important to remember that flight-test programs are conducted to identify and solve issues as they arise."

"To identify and solve issues," not to condemn, not to declare a failure, but to get to the heart of the problem and do something about it.

Here's another thing I heard in church today, "Heavenly Father doesn't expect you to be perfect, he expects you to try."

My latest binge food

I am happy to announce that I've done extrememely well avoiding that list of foods that I seem to have no control over. You remember them: cookies, cakes, candies, pies, french fries, white bread, potato chips. Basically, I've cut out all junk food and it really helps, but there is a deeper issue. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm stressed, like I have been for the last few weeks, my eating gets out of control.

I need comfort foods. Today it was blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese. I think I had enough today to count the blueberries as a serving of fruit. Scary, but true. Rationing doesn't work. If it's in the house, I eat it. So I guess, another beloved favorite is being added to the list of things that I can't bring home.

In a counseling session once, it was recommended that when I am eating emotionally, I should substitute a healthier food for the bad one. I do like carrots, but I'm sorry, they just don't cut it when you need something to calm you down. Carrots are not a substitute for potato chips or gold fish.

What I really need to do is get back to exercising every day and doing my deep breathing exercises. Both do a lot to help me keep my stress, eating, and weight in check. I know it. I just need to do it. The good news is that I went to the gym tonight. I didn't stay long, but I do feel better.

If you have ideas for great low-cal comfort foods, please let me know. I want foods that are warm, flavorful and creamy. I actually found a really good low-cal butternut squash soup that seems to satisfy that need for comfort food.

Baggage vs. Experience

Just reading the title of the blog inspired me. In the blog, the author talks about baggage vs. experience in terms of singing and teaching. I love the things she has to say, but I wanted to take it further and explore what those terms mean in my life and how they affect how I live. If you are interested in what she had to say, you can read her blog here.
Once More With Feeling: Baggage versus Experience

Baggage
--burdens that trap us in the past.
--things that weigh us down and keep us from moving forward.
--heavy.
--keeps us focused on our own problems.
--things we can't let go of.
--bondage.
--makes us fear the future.
--makes us victims.
Here are two great definitions from the dictionary--"superfluous or intrusive things or circumstances", "outmoded theories or practices."

Do we have too many "things" in our lives that keep us from seeing and doing what we need to see and do right now? How often do we continue with the old methods of coping even though they clearly aren't working any more?


I keep thinking about the rule we used for international choir trips--you only pack as much as you can run through the airport with. When we are hauling too much baggage, we are too slow and miss opportunities for wonderful things because as the plane leaves for the adventure, we are still trying to get one of those stupid carts loaded up with all the bags full of stuff we thought we couldn't live without.


I keep thinking of Matthew 11:28-30. I know I've written about it before and I probably will again because it is such a powerful statement. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden..." That sounds like an invitation to people that are carrying too much baggage. And in this world, you don't have to look for baggage, it finds you. Baggage comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a natural disaster, like the recent earthquake in Haiti. Sometimes it is abuse--physical, emotional, or sexual. Sometimes we pick up baggage when someone offends us. And sometimes the offense occurs without any intent on their part. Sometimes baggage is a physical or mental illness. Sometimes the baggage is a list of "shoulds" that belong to someone else.

I teach in a school that as a whole is extremely privileged. But as you start to look at individual lives, you see the horrendous baggage that has been thrown at these kids. I have several students that qualify for accomodations under the Federal Disabilities Act. I have had students with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I heard that there is a family living in their car--in Minnesota in the winter!

Life is hard and we have no control over the baggage that is thrown at us. We do have some control over what we decide to pick up and carry with us long term. We also have some control over when we choose to set it down. Notice that I said "some control". It would be nice if it was as easy as just surrendering the baggage to God, but even that is not as easy as it sounds. The process of changing that baggage into something that helps us grow and move forward is time consuming and work intensive, but ultimately so much better. Unfortunately, I can't give you the formula since every person must process every piece of baggage in a way unique to that person and situation.


Experience
--what we have learned from the past.
--things that open the door to a better future.
--allows us to reach out and help others.
--things we own, but do not allow to control us.
--freedom.
--helps us trust the future.
--makes us survivors.

My favorite dictionary definitition of experience is "knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events."

When I think of experience, two scriptures come to mind. The first is Doctrine and Covenants Section 122 vs. 7: "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. "

That is some serious baggage being thrown at you, but the Lord is telling us that even with all of that, it is possible to learn and grow from it.

The other scripture is 2 Corinthians Chapter 4: 8-9, 17: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed...For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."

I've always been just a little jealous of people with perfect faith. Yes, I do know people who really can look at things like Paul did. Logically, I know from past experience that I will survive whatever it is that life is throwing at me and that there is the potential to learn and grow from this experience, but it is a lot harder for me to find that peace--to let the event become experience instead of baggage.

I've been fascinated recently by what I've been reading about the brain and how it works. There are two things specifically related to this baggage and experience topic that have interested me. First, some brains naturally function in a way that promotes the faith and peace that Paul displayed, and other brains tend naturally toward fear and mistrust. The second thing that impressed me is how much we can change the way our brains and the brains around us function by making conscious choices. Yes, I've just simplified it incredibly, there's much more to it than that, but I love the idea that yes, the choices we make are affected by our biology, but our choices also affect our biology. We may be given baggage, but we have the power to change it into experience--to make it into something better.

I used to carry a lot of baggage. I've understood the experience principle and even used it well in some circumstances. For example, I have asthma, which is not great for a singer, but I have learned how to live with it and sing with it, and I have been able to share that knowledge with my students with asthma. Other kinds of baggage are harder to let go of or transform. There are still some things I need to let go of, but when I started thinking about baggage and experience last night, I was pleasantly surprised to realize how much of the baggage I have been able to get rid of.

I am who I am. My past is my past and cannot be changed. I can own my past including all the baggage whether that baggage is of my own making or thrust upon me, but owning it doesn't mean giving it control over my life now. It means acknowledging it and finding a way to make my life better, not in spite of the bad things, but because of them, by embracing them and learning from them.

One last random thought for today. God doesn't want us to have baggage. That mountain of stuff stands between us, keeping us from feeling His love and keeping us from growing. Experience is what He wants for us. Experience is what brings us closer to our divine potential.

Highs and Lows

This week I have done some amazing things and some really dumb things.

Monday and Tuesday were great days. I made a bunch of phone calls I have been putting off (I hate the telephone) and scheduled doctor appointments and an appointment to get my car serviced. Also in a moment of what I'm sure was complete insanity, I signed up for a Tai Chi class, emailed someone to let them know that I will be attending a Singles Conference this weekend, and signed up for the U of MN mini-medical school. I'm kind of glad that I was slightly manic and not really thinking things through, because if registering for those things had been on the list of things to do today, I might have been to overwhelmed to commit to them. Tai Chi starts Jan. 25 and goes for several Monday nights and then the mini-medical school lectures are the several Monday nights after that. Both are things that I've wanted to do for a long time, but this is the first time that they have been offered at a time that I'm not teaching.

Monday I also set up a massage appointment. Yes, it's another expense and I'm trying to trim the budget, and no, it is not a luxury. It is an investment in my health. Several years ago I was getting regular massages and they helped with the pain management a lot. I had my massage on Tuesday and have another set up for next week. Again, I'm glad I was feeling good enough that I didn't stop to think about all the reasons I really shouldn't do this. I really should. It helps and that is reason enough. I'll trim the budget in other areas.

Now on to the not so good days. I'm on the organizing committee for a major fund-raiser that happens on Feb. 5. For more details on it, go to www.voicesofhopemn.org . It is going to be amazing, but the part of it that I am taking care of is getting frustrating for me. It's mostly because I have people that I need to get things to by a certain date, but I can't do that until I received information from other people and the date that I will get that just keeps getting pushed further and further back. I do realize that I overplan. I want to have a plan to cover every little thing that might come up. I'm a firm believer that if you cover all your bases, you can change that plan if needed, but at least you have an idea of what is going on. I'm working with someone that I totally love and she is amazing with creating energy and excitement for projects like these, but her style is a little more "fly by the the seat of your pants," and that is stressing me out a little. I know that everything will turn out all right in the end, but that didn't help me sleep any better last night. It took me several hours to wind down after our meeting and then I woke up thinking about it again this morning.

Because I let the fund-raiser frustration take over my brain, I heard myself say something totally inappropriate this morning. It was very out of character for me. I immediately apologized, but still I can't believe I even let it happen. I believe that as much as possible our interactions with our students should be positive ones. We correct, but we never belittle or do anything to make them feel that who they are as a person is wrong. (I had that experience with a teacher, and it taught me that I never want my students to feel that way.) But today, the part of my brain that is in charge of monitoring those communications wasn't working. A student was walking down the hall toward me to come to her lesson. She said, "My books are in my locker. Do you want me to go get them?"

My response should have been, "Yes. And please hurry." Instead I said, "(insert name), that was a DUMB question. It's your voice lesson. Of course you need your books." I don't believe in dumb questions, or I didn't, but that really was one. However, I should never have responded that way. I immediately apologized, but have thought about it several times during the day wondering how I could have changed that. Like I said, there was no thought process before it came out my mouth. The thought and the words happened at exactly the same time. That's something I get on these kids for, not something a mature adult should be doing. Anyway, I hope that I can learn to deal with my stress and frustration better so that I don't end up in "blurt mode" anymore.

Enchilada Madness

I just remembered why I don't make my amazing enchiladas very often. In fact, I think it has been over 6 months since I did. Why, you ask, would anyone avoid making such a great meal? It's actually a little bit of a long story.

As I've mentioned before, there are some foods (like sugar, bread, chips, french fries, etc.) that I just can't eat in moderation. The sugar, bread, etc. I've decided just not to eat. I'm actually happier without any at all than I am when I try to eat responsibly. My enchiladas just may have moved into that category.

When I cook, I really cook. I usually make double or triple batches of things and freeze the extras for lunches later. My recipe for the enchiladas is actually a smaller version that I figured out from my friend's recipe. She makes this to feed 30 or more people. Yesterday I made enchiladas--a lot of enchildas. Here's the problem though--it's easier to separate them and cut them into smaller portion sizes after they have cooled, and I didn't get that done yesterday. So in addition to eating several yesterday, I had them for breakfast lunch and dinner today as well, and sadly, at dinner I just kept going back for more. I was full, but I couldn't stop. They say that after the first few bites you don't really taste it anymore, but that is so not true. The last bites were absolutely every bit as yummy as the first few.

The good news is that the leftovers have now been frozen in single portion sizes (and for some reason I don't pull another out of the freezer if I want more.) The bad news is that after I've finished up eating this batch, the enchiladas might have to join the "Don't eat it at all" group. Either that, or I need to freeze them immediately (which might not work.)

Lame blog, I know, but that is where my life is right now. I did a great job of not eating a lot of junk over the holidays and then I came home and overdid it with the enchiladas. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day and I can start again.

My Christmas Vacation

Every time I get a few days away from work, I have a huge list of things that I want to get done. And almost always, I return to work without accomplishing as much as I had hoped. It used to frustrate me and I felt a lot of anxiety in the last 12 hours or so before returning to work. I'm learning to let go of that. My house isn't clean yet, but I had a good break. And, I have a full fridge and freezer, the laundry is almost done, and I already prepped for lessons tomorrow, so the most important things are done.

As I packed to go to my parents' house, I purposely packed lightly knowing that I could do laundry there and that I needed to save room in the suitcase for the presents I would be bringing home. When I got to their house, I found out that their washer was broken. Great! My brother ordered a part, but we all ran out of clean clothes and towels before the part arrived. It's a good thing my parents have a minivan, because we filled it with laundry to take to the laundromat. My mom and dad and I spent the morning at the laundromat. It was actually kind of fun, but also reminded me how glad I am to have a washer and dryer in my home. I don't miss the days of having to go to the laundromat. Their washer was fixed by the time I left, but I didn't get a chance to do laundry there, so I brought home a suitcase full of dirty clothes. The last load just went in the dryer.

Health problems and work schedules changed some of our usual ways of celebrating. We still went to see the lights in the park, but Dad and one brother didn't come because they both have back problems and have trouble sitting that long. We almost always go to a movie together, but the ones that looked good were too long for the guys with the bad backs and the other brother with kidney stones. My sister-in-law had to work on Christmas, so we did our dinner and opened presents on Christmas Eve. I did kind of like that, although we didn't do our usual Christmas Eve singing. Christmas was quieter and calmer.

The really great part of Christmas was that even though I received lots of foods on my "don't eat" list as gifts and stocking stuffers, I didn't eat any(quietly snuck them into the communal bowl) and came home without gaining any more weight. Yeah! Plus, I didn't have to worry about the pain and emotional roller coaster that comes when I have too much sugar.

During my break, I rested (a lot), read 3 books and part of another, watched hours of TV (I figure it's OK to waste a lot of time like this during break since I don't even own a TV), ran errands and went shopping with my parents, memorized two more songs for my recital, and had several fun game nights with the family. They get together once a week for family night, so they get to play a lot of games all year, but I'm only there once a year, so they humor me and play more than once a week. This year, my brother bought the family Phase 10 Twist. We love Phase 10 and have played it for years, but sometimes it takes way to long to finish a game. This is somewhat shorter, and still a lot of fun. I think I laugh more during family game nights than any other time during the year. Laughter is good.

This next year will bring a lot of changes for my family. My dad will probably take an early retirement at the end of the year for health reasons. Dad is talking about moving soon after that because of the high cost of living where they are now. Mom teaches music lessons and would like to continue for a few more years, but is concerned about giving up all her current students and starting over in a new place. It takes a long time to build a studio. I guess I'll know more about there plans in the spring.

My parents' health problems also make me wonder more about my future. At some point, I will probably need to move closer to them to help take care of them. Like my mom, I am concerned about starting over in a new place and the fact that it takes several years to build a studio large enough to take care of my financial obligations. Plus, the kind of work that I do here--actually working within a high school choral program--just doesn't exist there. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But right now, I need to quit writing and get ready to be a great teacher tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Resolutions and Goals

At this time of year, nearly every magazine, paper, and blog has something about New Year's Resolutions and over the years, I've probably read hundreds of articles about how to set goals and resolutions and actually achieve them. Sometimes the information was helpful and sometimes it wasn't. Like singing and dieting, there is a lot of information out there, but each of us as individuals must experiment and find what works for our own circumstances. Over the past few years, I've learned a lot about what works for me. If anything here works for you, feel free to steal it. Also feel free to totally ignore what doesn't work.

First, your goal or resolution must be something that you really want to do or achieve, not something you "should" do. If you don't have a real desire for it, it will be come one of those resolutions that you forget about by the end of January.

Second, your goal or resolution should be realistic. If you use words like "every" and "never", you are setting yourself up for failure. Yes, it's good to work toward that, but if you decide to exercise every day and then miss one day in February, you've blown the resolution for the whole year.

Third, when writing goals or resolutions, you need to take into consideration things that are beyond your control. You may seriously want the lead in the musical, and have the talent to get it, but you are not in charge of casting. The director may have a different look or sound in mind. A much better goal would be to work on your singing, dancing, and acting skills and give the best audition that you are capable of.

Fourth, goals and resolutions are more easily accomplished when broken down into baby steps. Make a list of things that you need to do in order to accomplish your goal and then work on those one at a time. You are less likely to get overwhelmed or frustrated this way, and celebrating those little steps gives you the encouragement to keep going.

Fifth, post your list of resolutions or goals where you can see if every day. This helps keep you on target. In 2008, my resolutions were on the fridge door, and I've never had a more productive year (as far as resolutions go anyway).

Sixth, if at any point during the year you realize that a resolution needs to be adjusted, make the changes. Don't just keep working towards something you don't want or that is unrealistic considering your current life situation.

I didn't do so well on my 2009 resolutions, so here are some revised ones for 2010.

My 2010 Resolutions

I resolve to be more realistic about what I can accomplish.

Personal care and enrichment
1. Make writing a priority for each day. Journal, novels, stories, blogs, and voice book all count.
2. Read things that challenge me and help me grow intellectually and spiritually. Think about what I read. Highlight, take notes, and write in the margins.
3. Keep on top of laundry, ironing, de-cluttering, cleaning, or managing finances. It's OK to just do a little bit of a job. A little is better than nothing.
4. Do something every day that makes me feel good. This is one of those where I think I can make an exception to the "every" rule.
5. Continue to improve my eating habits.
6. Continue to improve my exercise habits. (Aim for 12 days at gym every month.)

Money
1. Make smarter choices about my money.
2. Eat out less.
3. Increase savings deposits and look into CDs or other investment/savings options.

Work
1. When accepting new students, think first about how much stress it will add, and then about how much I need the money.
2. No new students after 5PM.
3. Continue working to find ways to push students without pushing them over the edge.

Some people might look at this and think that I'm not pushing myself very hard. It's true. I spent too many years pushing too hard, and sometimes for things that I didn't even want. By setting goals and resolutions like this, I give myself a little room to breathe and a lot less stress. Because this is totally doable, I don't waste time and energy beating myself up for failures. I can actually do quite a bit with these kinds of goals by just reminding myself of them frequently.