Looking Back

Tonight is my last night before a milestone birthday. I'll let you guess which one. Many people dread this birthday, and I've known some to actually become depressed over it, but I'm kind of excited. I'm looking at it as the beginning of the next phase of my life. But that's tomorrow's post.
Today, I want to write about where I've been, the things I've done, and the experiences that brought me to the place that I am today.

My mother says that I was born 50 (or she might have said 40). The point is, I was very much an adult in a little kid's body. My mother was very young when I was born. She also tells people that sometimes she was the mother and sometimes I was. I was often far more comfortable around adults than other kids my age. I did very well in school and was always one of the favorites, mostly I think because I always obeyed all the rules. OK, there were a few times I didn't, but they were so traumatic for me that I just went back to doing what I was told. I couldn't understand people that didn't follow the rules.

High school was tough for me. I did well academically, but emotionally, I was a mess. I very clearly remember times when I could hardly wait for school to be over so I could go home, and then at home, I could hardly wait for the time to go to school, so I could get out of that situation. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have a horrible home life. My family did the best the could. I just had no skills for dealing with conflict, and there was a lot of conflict in our home at that time. Often after school I would take a nap until dinner. I do think that part of it was that I was tired. I also think that part of it was that I was avoiding having to deal with people.

College provided some of the best experiences of my life, but also some of the worst. I met people that opened my eyes and mind to things I had never considered. I also saw hypocrisy that appalled me. I met people who claimed to believe certain things, but their actions seemed completely opposite. Still stuck in my "obey the rules" thinking, it really shook me.
During college, I also met people and had experiences that helped me to discover who I really am and what I believe. Through music, I learned how to trust and to be open. I can't always apply it in other areas, but this was a start.

All my years in school also took a toll mentally and physically. The depression was finally diagnosed, but it would be many years before I really understood it and gained some control over it. Depression, hormonal imbalances, allergies and fibromyalgia all played a part in making my life miserable during those years. I believe that the allergies and fibromyalgia were present then, even though it was much later that they were finally diagnosed and I began treatment for them. But even in those dark days, there were moments of brightness, when I felt joy. I had some amazing experiences and loved the intellectual challenge of all of that.

Ten years ago, I was in the middle of a DMA program in Vocal Performance when I realized I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't keep doing what everyone else thought I should be doing. And I couldn't keep pushing myself to such extremes physically. I quit school and took every little part time job I could get to get by. And I think there were a few years that I actually pushed myself even harder than when I had been in school. But I also paid off a huge amount of debt. And I started to learn about what I wanted and who I was.

I still have a huge balance to pay off on my student loans, but over the last few years, I've cut back on work to take care of myself more physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've learned to say no. There is still a lot of guilt, but it doesn't feel as bad as when I push my body too far. I've learned to listen to my body, and most of the time, I'm able to adjust things to get the rest and care I need so that things don't get really bad. I had even lost a lot of weight and was happy most of the time. When I started letting the world tell me how to live my life and spend my time, that started to slip. I've gained back all of the weight, plus a few pounds, and I'm about 50-50 for good days and bad days. But, now I know what I need to do, and I'm starting over again. I've completely cut out the foods that I know I can't manage with moderation. And I'm going to the gym more regularly again. I'm also taking time to just be still.

This is a good time in my life. I'm not a little kid. I'm not the trying to figure out what I want in life. I'm not trying to prove to the world how successful I can be. I'm finding what makes me happy, where I want to be with my life, and I care a lot less about what other people think of me. Yes, it's true that what the world thinks will never be completely removed from my mind, but it bothers me a lot less these days.