Less Pain But More Determination

I don't know if it is because I'm moving on and healing, or if it is because I already cried all the tears that could be shed, but John Dehlin's announcement yesterday didn't hurt as much as it did in June when this latest round of excommunications and other formal and informal church discipline began.  Today, I am just sad.  Very sad.   

And it's not just about about John Dehlin.

And it's not just about April Young Bennett, who was coerced into removing blog posts where she shared her beliefs.

I write today, not to defend John or April, but to stand with them and thousands of others whose stories have not been made public, and the thousands who will now never feel safe enough to share their own beliefs and doubts.

The church thinks it can end this, silence people, and go back to business as usual by removing the leaders, but in truth, what it does is it steals the hope that was keeping people in the church.  In refusing to talk about hard things, and trying to silence them instead, the church says to many people that they are not welcome.  President Uchtdorf can declare that there is room for us in the church, but then local leaders show us that there isn't room for these people or the people who share some of their thoughts.

In many areas, I support the idea of allowing local leaders to deal with the daily ins and outs of how the church works.  But with something big like this, when the General Authorities sit back and say that it is up to the local leaders, it just feeds the leadership roulette.  I've read marvelous stories about people whose leaders have been open and loving and helped them to find ways to participate in church even if their beliefs and actions weren't exactly by the book.  And then there are stories like John's and April's, and worse.

Although John's stake president worded it a little differently, John used these words to describe the conditions that he was given (both versions can be read here):

1.  That I publicly renounced and apologize for any/all past doubts and criticisms that I have made regarding the church, its theology/doctrine, its historicity, or its policies (listed above).

2.  That I do my best to remove any past podcast episodes, blog posts, or Facebook posts that contain the public expression of either doubt about, or criticism of, the LDS church – whether these comments were made by me, or by any of the people I have interviewed over the past nine years.

3.  That I stop my public support of same-sex marriage, and my public support of Ordain Women.

4.  That I resign from the web site that allows me to perform marriage ceremonies (listed above).

I believe that number four is actually a misunderstanding on the stake president's part.  The stake president's words are, "Resign your status as an ordained minister in another faith." This is not a case of John going to years of Seminary (I mean real Seminary, not little s seminary that Mormon youth attend either early mornings before school or during released time) to then complete the ordination process and become a Lutheran pastor.  This is a website where you can pay a fee to be "ordained" so that you meet requirements in the US to be able to legally perform marriages.  It's a work around, a loop hole, not a real calling in another church.

Even if it was about John committing to another church, I don't really understand why that means he must be cut off from this one.  I'm serious about this.  It's one of the things I'm currently struggling with.  Attending Unity Church-Unitarian has been a life changing experience for me.  I don't know yet if I will commit to that church long-term.  It may be that their gift will help me return to the LDS church in a way that is more healthy for me, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  But if I sign Unity's membership book, that's grounds for excommunication from the LDS church (not just a rumor, it's in the handbook.)  Although my experiences with the LDS church have caused me a lot of pain, I'm not sure that I'm ready to be done with it yet.  So I'm stuck in this in between place.

But back to the topic of this post...

The first two items that John's stake president listed basically tell us that it is OK to have doubts and criticisms, we just shouldn't share them. Please read more of John's work for why this is so dangerous.  And if you are not comfortable reading the words of someone you consider an apostate, read mine (since you're already reading this blog anyway.)  I spent most of my life thinking that I was the only Mormon who felt the way I did and thought the things I thought.  For whatever reason, I never felt comfortable sharing those things with anyone, so I spent far too long just thinking I was defective.  I'm fairly certain that even though my lifelong battle with depression is partly hereditary, it also is linked to my relationship with a church where I didn't feel like I fit in and I didn't feel like I could have a different opinion.

Item three could lead to my own excommunication if my bishop and stake president decided that they felt the same way.  I do not have a profile on the Ordain Women website.  I'm not completely onboard with Ordain Women and some of their methods, but I think they have opened conversations on important issues.  I stand with my sisters and brothers who are honestly trying to bring more light and truth into the church.  I am 100% in favor of same-sex marriage.  The reasons why are the topic for another post, but if push comes to shove, like John, I will keep my integrity rather than my church membership.

What do I want right now?  I want real conversations that happen in the open.  I want people to be able to speak their truth without fear.

With recent events in the church and in the world, I am reminded of this post from Feminist Mormon Housewives:

Ten words that would have altered history and preserved Zion:  Sisters, we see you have concerns.  Come talk with us.  

And these words written by the co-minister of my UU church:

For remaining silent when a single voice would have made a difference-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For each time that our fears have made us rigid and inaccessible-
I forgive myself, I forgive you: We begin again in love.
For each time that we have struck out in anger without just cause-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For each time that our greed has blinded us to the needs of others-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For the selfishness which sets us apart and alone-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For falling short of the admonitions of the spirit-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For losing site of our unity-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For those and so many acts both evident and subtle which have fueled the illusion of separateness-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
~Reverend Rob Eller-Issacs from “Litany of Atonement"

To those words, I add my own.  I see you.  I hear you.  I want to understand. Come. Let's do this work of healing together.