The Fearless Freak

I spent way too much time on Facebook today. While wasting time there, I used the superhero name generator. My superhero name is The Fearless Freak. I actually laughed out loud when it came up. Mostly because it was really stupid. I'm not sure if it is better or worse than my friend's which has something to do with a squirrel.

But then I started to think about it. Weird, strange, bizarre, crazy and now freak are all words that could have negative connotations, but that I've chosen to embrace. I AM weird and strange. Normal people are boring.

If you know me very well, you know that I am a word freak. So, let's examine what it really means to be The Fearless Freak. (All definitions are from an ancient edition of Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary.)

The definitions of freak that I like and embrace are: one that is markedly unusual or abnormal (There is very little about me that is usual or normal.); a highly individualistic critic or rebel; an ardent enthusiast.

An enthusiast is one who tends to give himself completely to whatever engages his interest. A synonym for ardent is impassioned.

Fear is an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger; anxious concern. Fearless is free from fear: brave

The freak part I have down. Fearless, not so much.

What are superheroes? What is our fascination with them? I'm sure you could find some amazing answer somewhere else, but here's what I think. I think that we invent superheroes as a way to deal with our own inadequacies. I can't do it, but a man of steel with tremendous strength whose only weakness is Kryptonite, can surely save the world. And it's not just that we are inventing characters to take care of the things we can't. In a way they are our alter egos. They are who we would choose to be if we really had that choice. They are who we strive do be when we do have a choice.

So, The Fearless Freak is not just my funny name on Facebook. I'm choosing to adopt her, to become more like her. I will try to be more brave, to let go of my anxieties, to prepare for danger, but not make myself sick in anticipation of things that may or may not happen. I intend to passionately commit to whatever tasks I undertake, "to boldly go where no man has gone before." (Oops. Wrong movie.)

I'm taking suggestions on what The Fearless Freak's powers, costume, and cool gadgets should be. I'll write more about that later.

Summer plans

Although it's not officially summer until school is out on June 11th, I've been planning for some time now.
I always start registering students in May for their summer lessons. I'm hoping to do just 3 or 3-1/2 days each week. We'll see how the scheduling actually works. During my downtime on those days, I'll clean out files, redo handouts, and create a plan for the 2009-2010 school year.

Since I don't have any long distance travel plans this summer, I'm going to take at least one 3 day weekend and go somewhere.

I'm also starting a Friday morning brunch group with some voice teacher friends. It will be fun to connect and talk and share ideas.

The big project of the summer--Start some real research on teaching voice lessons to students on the autism spectrum. I've already made a few contacts, and I'm really looking forward to this.

Finally, I'm going to do things that nourish and strengthen my body and soul. I'm going to exercise every day--I really do enjoy it when I'm not exhausted to begin with. I'm going to eat lots of fresh, raw, locally grown foods. I'm going to spend time with people that I care about, talking about things that interest me. I'm going to spend time in the sun (and use gallons of sunscreen.) I'm going to make the time to be still, to find my center, to feel peace. I might even clean my house.

Why don't I learn?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about how the Lord likes to remind me who gave me my talents and what he wants me to use them for. I had 5 performances coming up and was fighting allergy related laryngitis. All the performances were fine, not my best, but good enough. When we do what we can, the Lord really does take care of the rest. I've learned that. Can I have my voice back now?

This week it is my body that is sending me serious reminders. When I don't put my physical health first and put the time I need to into good nutrition, exercise, and adequate rest, my body decides to force me to rest. When I don't take care of myself, I get sick. It's like my body says,"I need rest and if you don't give it to me, I'm going to force you to take it. I don't really like those germ guys any more than you do, but I'll let them have control if that is the only way I can get what I need."

I know this, so why do I keep letting myself get to this point. At least this time my body only pulled in the "germ team" and the "pain team". It's had to do worse to get me to pay attention.

Why can't I learn to listen when the Lord and my body speak quietly and give little hints that something needs to change? I know it. Now, let me do it.

My favorite things about Spring and early Summer

I love spring, and it's not just the warmer temperatures and lack of snow. I love watching the world come to life again, waking up after the long, cold Minnesota winter. Technically spring is supposed to start in March, but in Minnesota, it's still winter. April is a transitional month. One day you have to wear your big coat to work, and the next day its 70 degrees, and then a few days later you're back to the coat.

Here are the things that tell me that Summer is coming.
1. First, the birds and return and build their nests in tree outside my bedroom window. I don't see the nests, but I know they're back because they start chirping just before sunrise. By late summer, I'm a little tired of this routine, but when they first start, I love it.

2. And speaking of sunrise, I love when the rising sun wakes me up.

3. The trees bud and green things start to poke up through the ground.

4. I love the first night I sleep with the windows open. Of course, a few days later I had to turn the furnace on again, but that first night tells me that I won't be cold forever.
4a. I love switching over from the flannel sheets to the regular ones. Don't get me wrong--in the winter, I love my flannel sheets, but when I can finally switch over to the regular ones and start removing some of the 47 (OK, maybe a slight exaggeration) layers of blankets on the bed, I know that spring is coming.

5. I love the smell of spring rain (until it rains too much and switches to the smashed worm smell.)

6. The other day I saw some baby geese. It seems early in the season for that, but I don't know much about geese and their lives. But I do know the joy I felt as I saw the 2 geese at the side of the road with the little trail of goslings following one of the adults. A friend has a mother duck nesting in her yard. I can't wait for those eggs to hatch.

7. Yesterday, I saw my first tulips of the season. When I did more of my walking outside instead of at the gym, I used to see them earlier, just as they are starting to bud. But yesterday, I saw a bed of fully opened tulips and it brightened my day. I don't know what it is about tulips and daffodils, but I love them. It may be the bright colors or it may be that when I see them I know that spring is really here. Crocus peek up through the snow sometimes and I like them, but they announce that spring is coming, but it still could be aways off. Tulips and daffodils say that spring is here.

8. I eagerly awaiting the blossoming of the trees. One in my neighborhood has bright pink blossoms that have opened. I'm watching and waiting for the trees on 140th to all bloom. One is pretty, but when two large sections of the street I drive everyday are lined with pink blossoms, it just makes my day better.

Trust and Change

Trust and change--two things I'm not very good at, but am being forced to learn to deal with.

Sometimes, I think the Lord uses my talents to remind me who is really in charge. And the funny part is that this is one of the few areas of my life that I feel I can completely turn over to Him, where I can give up control.

I sang with the choir in Stake Conference today, and have 4 other small performances in the next two weeks--all of them church related. I've been struggling with allergy-related laryngitis, but I'm not worried. I know that if the Lord needs me to sing, that whatever I can do will be enough and he will take care of the rest. It always works that way when I sing for church. Tomorrow I am singing at the funeral of a dear sweet woman that I have jokingly referred to as the president of my fan club. She has always been so kind to me and supportive of my singing. She has asked me to sing in her ward many times and I loved looking out into the congregation and seeing her smiling back at me. It will be strange not to see that tomorrow. I will miss her, but I would never miss the opportunity to sing for her funeral. I'm singing "O Divine Redeemer" which is not easy when I'm healthy, but my only concern is not getting too emotional. She had a strong testimony of the Savior and the Atonement which is what this song is all about.

I don't know why it is so easy for me to trust regarding singing, but so hard in other areas of my life. Maybe because my relationship with music is so different from other things in my life, but that's a post for another day.

I don't deal well with change. I know it is important, and I make do, but I don't like it. Today, due to boundary changes, we sustained a new stake presidency. I'm sure that the work will go on and all will be well, but I will miss the stake president that was released. He was an anchor for me. When I moved closer to work, I made the final choice about apartments based on which one would leave me in this stake. I've gone to Stake Conference meetings even when I felt horrible because I knew that what he had to say would be important to me, and the way in which he would say it would make sense to me (that doesn't happen often for me with church). I will miss his strength.

I also learned recently that a friend will be moving (if they can sell their house). This change is another that I am not looking forward to. I have been too busy in my own life lately to be a good friend. Perhaps that is part of the sorrow here--lost opportunity.