Options

Sometimes when it seems that nothing else could possibly go wrong, you have little ah-ha! moments.  Last week, I spent one evening in Urgent Care getting a leg injury from the week before checked out.  The next day, I day I developed laryngitis, and by the day after that I had no voice at all.  I had lots of reasons to be down and depressed, but I wasn't.  I'll admit I was slightly concerned, but my worries led down a different path this time.

Anytime a singer or voice teacher loses her voice, there is cause for concern.  And the suddenness of the onset had me worried a little, but I was pretty sure I knew what had happened, and a quick call to the doctor's office confirmed it.  The asthma meds I was taking because of the cold I had at the beginning of the month had caused the laryngitis.  One more drug to add to the list of things that I can't take.  After discontinuing the use of that medication, my voice started to come back and although it's not at 100% yet, I'm sure it soon will be.

But in those moments when my brain was asking, "What if it never comes back?" I didn't have my usual response.  I am a voice teacher.  That's what I do.  It's who I am.  It's what I spent years training for.  If I can't teach, basically the only other things I am qualified for are minimum wage jobs.  And in the past, that fear of not being able to teach and sing has sometimes been overwhelming.  But this time, it was different.  Singing and teaching are things I love, but they are not all of me.  It is not my entire identity.  And there are other career options that I could see myself re-training for.

The world is a lot less scary when you don't feel trapped.  Possibilities and options give hope through the tough times, and I'm so glad I could see them this time.

The good news is that I can still teach and I can still sing.  The good news is that I now also know that even if I couldn't do those things, I would still be OK and other doors would open for me.  AB told me that years ago.  I believed him.  I saw it in his life.  But now I know it is true in mine.  I wish I could call him and tell him that I finally get it.

The pattern

I wrote most of this post a few days ago, but didn't actually get around to posting it.  And now I know why.  Because there was another part of the pattern that I hadn't included, and I didn't realize it was part of the pattern until today.  My body has one other thing it does to get my attention--I trip and/or fall causing injuries that slow me down.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Here is the original post:

The pattern

I've been through this cycle enough times to know exactly how it will go, so why do I keep getting caught in it? First, I get a little stressed because I have overcommitted myself.  My body gives me a gentle warning to back off.  Sometimes it comes in the form of more pain and tension.  Sometimes the warning is fatigue.  Sometimes it is brain fog.  

When I don't listen and I don't slow down, my body starts creating combinations of brain fog, pain, and fatigue, hoping to get me to rest.  But, my life is intense, and I don't always listen.  Plus I've always had that personality that can keep pushing through a difficult situation.  I'm determined (or as some people may say, stubborn).  I don't give up easily.  And neither does my body.  

When the gentle, and not so gentle reminders are ignored, my body does the only thing left in it's arsenal.  It declares, "If you don't choose to rest, I will force you to rest."  Then it sends my immune system on vacation and leaves my open to whatever virus is most prominent at the time.  If I'm lucky, it's just a cold, and I can cut back on activities to get some needed rest and recuperation, but I can still get through work.  If I've really annoyed my body, it opens the door to things that involve vomiting, diarrhea, and general body aches that you know won't kill you, but you wish they would.  Then I just have to stay in bed until it's all over and my body decides to forgive me.  

So if I know about this pattern, why do I keep letting it happen?  

I'm starting to learn that I can't really do everything I think I can.  I'm fully capable of doing any of the projects I'm involved in, but I just don't have the energy to do all of them.  So I've decided to back off.  People say that you shouldn't make major life decisions when you are going through a rough time. But I believe that that is when you make the most honest decisions.  When I am in a great mood and have lots of energy, I think I am capable of conquering the world.  But really, I live more of my time in the sick/tired mode, so it makes sense to set up my life for what I can accomplish on my worst days.  

So starting today, I am breaking my pattern.  I'm lightening my load.  And I'm committing to slow down whenever I get the early warning signs, rather than waiting until I am so far gone that I have to stay in bed.  I'm also committing to better energy management, using the energy I have wisely, and taking the time to recharge.  

Simple Goals

It's been one of those weeks.  You know, the ones where you can only deal with the next crisis and you don't have the time or energy to deal with planning anything beyond that.  I've stopped for take out or stopped at a grocery store every night this week.  Why?  Because I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I just get food for dinner and something to take for lunch the next day.  Before I go to bed, I check to see if I have a towel for morning and clean clothes to put on in the morning.  If I don't have anything, I throw a load in the washer and put the stuff in the dryer when I get up in the morning.

It works.  Sort of.  It definitely qualifies as Barely Sufficient (my new strategy for not doing more than my body can handle.)  But I can't live like this for forever, so here are my goals for next week.

Buy 2 dinners and 2 lunches with each take out or grocery store trip.

Wash 2 days worth of clothes (instead of whatever I will wear the next day and whatever else is in the hamper and similarly colored).

I can handle that.  Right?  Sure I can.  And if not, there are only a few more weeks of this craziness before I start my summer schedule and try to resume normal human life.

Song

Peace.  

Calm.  

Unity.  

Presence.  

Power.  

This is where I belong. 

These people are my family.  

I am safe.  

I would stay forever if I could.  

The pain, stress, and frustration of the outside world cannot touch me here in this warm cocoon.  

I breathe in life.  

I exhale love. 

I am light.  

I am One.  

I am All.  

This is my Home.  

Making It My Own

A few weeks ago, I had an online conversation with some people regarding the LDS Young Women Theme.  This theme is recited weekly by the girls (ages 12-18) and as you can see in the link, corresponds with the Personal Progress program where the girls set goals and do projects to help them learn about each of the values.  The conversation we had began as one women posted the theme, with her personal commentary of what she felt the girls are hearing too often regarding these values.  It was negative, but in many ways truthful.  I am at a point in my life where I am trying to find ways to reframe things that seem harmful, to see the beauty and truth and let go of the rest.  So, I sat down and wrote my own commentary and did my own editing of the YW Theme.  

This is not the exact version I posted in that conversation, but it is a version that I think my friends and family are ready to hear.  This is in no way intended as criticism of the woman who started the conversation (by the way, she liked my version), nor is it intended as a criticism of the Church or people who view things differently than I do.  I don't expect you to agree with me.  This is simply who am I right now, where I am right now, and where I want to go.  (Please see the link above to compare the theme with my version.)

I AM A DAUGHTER of my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, who love me, and I love Them. 

I WILL “STAND as a witness of God (I can have a personal relationship with Deity, and that relationship may be separate from my relationship to the Church) at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9) (By showing Christlike love in my everyday life, in everything I do, in every choice I make, I am a witness of God) as I strive to live the Young Women values, which are:

• Faith (I choose to believe that my Heavenly Parents love me and because I know that, I know that things can change and that things can get better.)
• Divine Nature (As a daughter of God, I have unlimited potential. )
• Individual Worth (Who I am right now is good enough.  Yes, there is always room for improvement, but my Heavenly Parents and I love me as I am at this moment, warts and all.)
• Knowledge (My constant quest for learning is not just a quirky personality trait.  This is what my Heavenly Parents want for me.  They want me to learn and know everything, and more importantly to know how to apply that factual knowledge.) 
• Choice and Accountability (It is my job and responsibility to  gather evidence, listen to guidance, study the possibilities, and make the choices that are best for me at this point in my life, even if it it contradicts the wishes of my church leaders or family.  Because I take personal responsibility for my choices, I can also take personal responsibility for the results of those choices.  I can embrace my mistakes and learn from them.)
• Good Works (I can choose to reach out to those around me that need assistance and love.  It is also my responsibility to choose to do this in ways that do not cause harm to me.  If my cup is empty, I cannot give to others, so good works begins with taking care of my own physical, spiritual and emotional needs.)
• Integrity (I am striving to create a unified whole with my life.  My actions align with my beliefs.  I am OK with showing who I really am, even if it is not who others want me to be. ) 
•  and Virtue (I can choose to hold myself to high standards.  I can live a life of honor, a life that is moral and ethical.)

I BELIEVE as I come to accept and act upon these values, I WILL (live a more Christ-like life that benefits not just myself, but those around me as well), BE PREPARED to strengthen home and family (make the choices that are right for my family and our unique circumstances), and  make and keep sacred covenants (promises made between me and my Heavenly Parents.)