Where I Am and Where I'm Headed

This year has been one of my most difficult, but also one of the most beautiful and growth-filled years of my life.  The story didn't just start suddenly one day almost a year ago. This story began at least 33 years ago, possibly longer ago than that.  I felt alone and defective because faith, prayer, revelation, and probably many other things didn't work for me the way they did for everyone else at church.

The roots of the story are old, but the latest chapter began one day, almost a year ago when I realized that I needed a change if I was to move out of this stuck, painful place.

I'm writing today because of the memories brought up when I read this.  So many of the words of Sara's journal entries reminded me of what I felt that week.

But when someone is excommunicated (that’s the expected outcome) for believing something I believe and saying it boldly when I’ve said it somewhat timidly, it’s not good and it certainly doesn’t make me feel that I’m wanted.

***

And here Kate was, a rare (though not unique) example of being bold and direct, someone who was showing RADICAL SELF-RESPECT by using her voice and saying that her experience matters. Her example was encouraging, and maybe she didn’t always say the right thing in the best way, but she was trying and she was insisting on being heard. It helped other women raise their own voices. And for her to be excommunicated sends that “Be quiet, keep your questions to yourself” message. And we get that message.

***

I’m not Kate Kelly. I don’t know her very well. But I feel tied to her in this MoFem sisterhood. And it feels like this is, by extension, a warning to or an attack on my community. Like we’re all supposed to shut up. And maybe part of my sadness comes from knowing how tempted I am to shut up, how easy that is for me and also how soul-killing it is in the long run.

Like Sara, I too needed to take a break.  It wasn't just about this particular event, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I didn't know for sure where this break would lead, but I knew that to stay meant spiraling into more and more pain.  I knew (and told my bishop as much) that if there was any hope of me ever fully committing to the LDS church (meaning full activity, temple recommend worthy, and actually going to the temple) that I needed some time and space to sort things out.  I took the summer off, and Sundays became my self-care day.

Then in September I actually did something I've wanted to do for a very long time.  I attended my first service at Unity Church-Unitarian.  The original plan was to attend services there during the month of September and then re-evaluate.  September was extended to Christmas.  Then I decided to extend this exploration through June, and joined Women's Ensemble, one of the amazing choral ensembles there. Unity Church has been a place of safety and healing and much needed peace in my life.  You can read more about my experiences in some of the posts of this blog and at Exploring Sainthood.

The plan was to get through June, and then see what my time at Unity meant.  Had it been just a short-term arrangement focused on healing and reframing and getting the tools to return to Mormonism in a healthier way? Would I choose to align myself with the Unitarian Univeralists instead of the LDS Church?   Would I choose to live some complicated life somewhere between the two?

The question of how and to what extent I will maintain my relationship with the Mormon church is still a little up in the air.  I'm not ready to leave for good.  There are people and ideas there that I need in my life.  I feel like my voice is needed, if for no other reason than to let people that are feeling lost and alone know that there is someone else that doesn't fit the model of the perfect Mormon.  But I have to find strategies for engaging in a healthy way.  In July and August, I'm planning to start going to my ward again.  I'll alternate weeks between my LDS and UU congregations. (I wish I could do both, but my ward meets 9-12 and there is only one service at Unity in the summer and it starts at 10.) I'm working on carving out time to prepare myself for each LDS service in a way that will help me to see and hear the best, and  more easily let go of the things that hurt me.

Although I don't really identify as a Pagan, many of the words of this Pagan UU seemed so similar to my own experiences when I first began my explorations of the Unitarian Universalist tradition.  

As the congregation sings, my hardened heart softens and I find my self singing , the sense of divinity is palpable, I am confused, here among the trappings of organized religion I am connected to divinity.
As the service progresses it is evident that the words spoken from the minister value diversity, compassion and social justice. I am engaged, the sense that the Goddess is present is nearly ecstatic, and my confusion deepens.

*** 

As I walk away I have one of the moments that I so cherish in my life, insight into my own preconceptions about religious identity flow from my core self. The questions are profound. For how many years have I excluded the worship practices of others from my personal practice? Why has my engagement in interfaith activities always centered on “working with” people of other faiths instead of “worshiping with” those that simply call divinity by another name?

*** 

Today I embrace both may Pagan identity and my membership in the UU church. It has always been my belief that all paths lead to divinity, I was just never aware how walking more than one path at a time can so clarify the divine’s intention to hold all humanity as sacred.

Recent services and interactions with the members and staff of Unity Church-Unitarian have made me certain that Unity is my spiritual home, the place I can go to for nourishment, peace, healing, and safety.  It is a place where I can be challenged and stretched and bathed in beauty and love.  Although many members of the congregation would not consider themselves Christian, it is in the lives of these people that I see the core of what I consider being Christian to be.  I have no plans to give any of that up.  All my long-terms plans are being made with my involvement at Unity in mind.  I'm not yet officially joining the church by signing the membership book, but I am committing to this community in every other way.

It's been a rough year, but it's be a beautiful year that I wouldn't trade for anything.  I am in a better place.  I'm clearer about who I am and what I want.  I am happy and spiritually engaged like I have never been before. My heart has been broken open.  And that's a good thing.

If you hold your knowledge of self and world wholeheartedly, your heart will at times get broken by loss, failure, defeat, betrayal, or death. What happens next in you and the world around you depends on how your heart breaks. If it breaks apart into a thousand pieces, the result may be anger, depression, and disengagement. If it breaks open into greater capacity to hold the complexities and contradictions of human experience, the result may be new life. (page 18 in Parker J. Palmer's Healing the Heart of Democracy)

And although didn't expect it, these words the Hilary Weeks song, "Beautiful Heartbreak", beautifully describe this past year.  

I never dreamed my heart would make it
And I thought about turning around
But Heaven has shown me miracles
I never would have seen from the ground
Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through
Was the price that I paid to see this view
Now that I'm here I would never trade
The grace that I feel and the faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights
I used to pray He'd take it all away
But instead it became
A beautiful heartbreak

one by one 

they throw us from the tower

and we spread our wings

and fly

-linda sillitoe

Lessons from Shared Loves

I'm doing The Artist's Way program with a few online friends.  I've owned the book for years and read it, but have never really done all the work.  One of the activities asked me to identify a favorite childhood movie.  I couldn't really think of any movies from my childhood, but 3 from my early teens came to mind:  Yentl, Enemy Mine, and Star Trek 2:  The Wrath of Khan.  Once again, I was reminded how much these movies and their themes have shaped my life.  A love of science fiction is one of the things that my dad and I share.  Music and Barbra Streisand are the connections with my mother.  

I've written before about what Star Trek taught me (You can read some of that here and here and here.) Enemy Mine was a box office failure, costing millions more to make than it actually earned.  I don't think I saw it in the theatre.  We probably rented the VHS (and the machine to watch it on).  The trailer looks cheesy (it was sci-fi in the 80's), but this movie had a huge impact on my life.  Bitter enemies are forced to depend on each other.  They learn to understand and trust each other.  And one puts his life on the line to keep a promise he made about a child of the enemy that he has grown to love.  It reinforced every beautiful lesson I'd learned from my parents about seeing people for who they really are and keeping promises.

Yentl is a beautiful story about a woman who refuses to be limited by her culture and tradition.  It's Streisand singing the songs of Alan and Marilyn Bergman and Michel Legrand.

This morning, I'm sitting here crying as I listened to these words that seem written just for me and just for this moment.

And tell me where, where is it written what it is
I'm meant to be, that I can't dare-
To find the meanings in the mornings that I see,
Or have my share of every sweet-imagined possibility?

I remember everything you taught me
Every book 1've ever read...
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?

I can open doors and take from the shelves
All the books I’ve longed to hold
I can ask all the questions,
The whys and the wheres
As the mysteries of life unfold
Like a link in a chain
From the past to the future
That joins me with the children yet to be,
I can now be a part
Of the ongoing stream,
That has always been a part of me!

The more I live - the more I learn.
The more I learn - the more I realize
The less I know.
Each step I take -
(Papa, I've a voice now!)Each page I turn -
(Papa, I've a choice now!)Each mile I travel only means
The more I have to go.
What's wrong with wanting more?
If you can fly - then soar!
With all there is - why settle for
just a piece of sky?

I don't expect people to understand the growth process I'm going through right now or the choices I'm making related to it.  But I do want people to understand that it is beautiful and soul-stretching.  I feel more spiritually alive than I can remember ever feeling.  This is not stepping away from the teachings of my youth.  It's stepping into them and living them fully, with integrity,  and without apology.

My mother also introduced me to the work of this wonderful woman.  Don't just read the excerpt.  Listen to the poet speak her own words.

I face the plains
On a good day for walking.
The sun rises
And the mist clears.
I will be all right:
My people were Mormon pioneers.