Processing

I'm putting this out there for the world, but I'm not sharing it all over Facebook.  Most of my FB friends will not understand this.  Plus, I'm not really in the place to logically and calmly discuss this yet.  The ones that will understand my thoughts and feelings, know where to look to find them.  I just need process, to talk about what I'm feeling and thinking.  And writing it and putting it out there for the world to see (if they can find it) is extremely therapeutic for me.

Yesterday, I got sucker punched.  Someone reached deep inside me and tore out my heart.  Add 40,000 other tired cliches here to describe the shock and pain I felt yesterday.  Click here for one of the numerous reports (this isn't just happening on blogs and FB groups) about the situation.  (Peggy also is continuing to update her story, so check back later for more.)

My first thought was, "What about me?"  I know it sounds selfish, but that was my response.  Many other people have asked the same question.  Kate and John and others like them are trying to make the church a better place for people like me that just don't fit the mold.  They were part of why I stayed.  They made it bearable.  They gave me hope.  Did I agree with all of their beliefs and methods?  No.  But they helped me to see possibility.  They started conversations about what could be.

I thought I needed to write, but the words won't come.  It's too scary to be completely vulnerable and let  the people in my life know exactly where I stand.  (I know.  You thought I had been pretty open and vocal before, but there's a lot more.  The pain goes a lot deeper.)  So I guess all I can do today is share the world of others that speak to me, share what I feel, and/or give me hope and comfort.

These words seemed to express my own thoughts.

If creating a space for people to talk about their doubts is apostasy–if even having doubts and facing them honestly is apostasy–which of us wouldn’t be subject to a church court? If praying that the Church receives the further light and knowledge we have been promised is apostasy, then who among us is not apostate? 

We are all sinners. We are all doubters. We are all seekers of signs, pleaders, petulant children desiring things of God. In the early days of the Church, the prophet diligently sought answers to these questions, and the revelations he received were canonized as scripture. 

We have lost something.

There is a lot of pain, fear, and even anger being processed in many places online.  But there's hope too.  These two posts spoke to my heart.

Fresh Courage Take

Blessed are the Peacemakers

A friend who knows nothing of this situation posted this on her timeline. Words of wisdom from one of the greats.

Where there's life, there's hope.  

I like that.

Music speaks to me and it allows me to say things that I can't quite formulate the words for on my own.

I can't get this song out of my head.


Someone else shared this.  It's been one of my favorites since the first time I heard it.


This too.


And this happened before my world imploded yesterday.


And these beautiful words of wisdom.

And this.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

In all the pain, there is still all this that is beautiful and wonderful about the world.