Little children seem to have a fascination with the word "why". They want to know the why of everything, sometimes much to the annoyance of the adults they keep asking. But on the opposite extreme, sometimes as adults, we fail to ask the question "Why?" and respond only to the behaviors, actions, and situations that are currently present. We punish the offender or medicate to relieve symptoms rather than digging for the deeper meaning of the offense or pain. Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to punishment or pain meds. But, if that is as far as our interaction goes, we are not getting to the root of the problem. Or as I learned at the autism workshop, we are just addressing the tip of the iceberg.
As I'm sure you know, the part of the iceberg that is visible above the water is usually a very small percentage of the full iceberg. Although what is above the water line is dangerous, it is what is below the water line that is the real iceberg and because we cannot see it, it poses a greater risk.
I wish I could just reprint these illustrations for you, but I will do my best to describe them. When looking at the iceberg that is called "Tantrums", we see that the specific behaviors lying above the water line are screams without apparent cause, self-injurious, and destroys toys. If we respond only to those behaviors that we see, noone is going to be happy, and nothing will improve. If we look at and work with the underlying deficits, that part of the tantrums that lies below the water line of our iceberg, we have a chance of changing things for the better. Those underlying deficits are unable to communicate needs, emotional inconsistency, poor understanding of the situation, strong need for closure or sameness and low frustration tolerance. To be honest, if I were a parent dealing just with the specific behaviors described here, I would probably be an abusive parent. But looking at the underlying causes helps me to love this child more and look for ways to help him or her.
Let's move this concept beyond autism. Take for example the social/political situation in the middle east. It's very easy to condemn those horrible people and what they are doing to their neighbors based solely on religious differences, but when you take a look at the last few thousand years of history in that region, or even the last hundred years, the lines between the good guys and the bad guys become blurred. You start to understand why they feel wronged and why they feel entitled to the land and the government of the people.
And what about our health? How many of us go to the doctor because we want him/her to fix what is wrong, meaning make the pain or disease go away? Do we take the time and interest to ask why it may have occurred in the first place? Western medicine is improving in this area, but I think we have a long way to go.
I love my fibromyalgia and I bet you won't find many people that will say that. The reason I love it is because my body is constantly reminding me of what it needs. If I treat it with love and compassion, it is much kinder to me. It's very easy to treat the pain with meds, and the fatigue with sugar and caffeine, but it is a short term fix, and in the long run, makes things worse instead of better. When I am in pain, I need to look at why. Is my stress level too high? Have I missed too many workouts? (Endorphins are amazing.) Have I consumed too much sugar and/or caffeine or even carbohydrates in general? Although they help with the fatigue, they make the pain and inflammation much worse. If I'm tired or not sleeping well, I need to look at why? Is it the rebound from the sugar and caffeine? Have I missed my daily deep breathing exercises? Is my bed in dire need of replacement? The answer to that last one is a definite yes.
Finally, I need to be asking the question "Why?" more as I work with my students. It used to create great frustration when my very talented students wouldn't practice, but as I've come to understand some of the their reasons, it bothers me less. Rather than the lecture on how they'll never improve if they don't spend hours practicing, I now try to help them find ways to fit in whatever they can in their lives and we're all happier.
It is also easy to treat a vocal "symptom" without ever addressing the actual cause. Here's my favorite example and one that I'm constantly dealing with with my students. The [i] vowel can be a singer's best friend or their worst enemy. For those of you not familiar with IPA, I'm referring to the ee sound like in the word cheese. In fact, think of that horrible bright smiley word that photographers have you say to make you smile and you'll understand why choir directors hate this vowel. As it is normally spoken, it is very bright, shallow, and horizontal. If sung in the same manner, its sound jumps out of the texture of the music and doesn't blend well at all. Some choir directors will have students change all [i] sounds to [I] as in the word skin. Others use other ways to manipulate the sound of the group vowel. But what happens too often is that when kids come to me, I discover that their perception of the fix has totally destroyed anything even closely related to the [i] vowel. Often the kids are pulling their tongues way back. Yes, it does take the piercing sound out, but now the vowel jumps out of the texture in the other direction. You have beautiful clear sound, and then a really muffled swallowed [i] vowel breaks that line. In the choir teacher's defense, they cannot check how every student is interpretting their instructions. They just hear the overall result of the choir. When the choir [i] is what they want to hear, they assume that the individuals are creating it correctly.
The true and beautiful [i] sound is not achieved by changing the vowel or by pulling it back. It is achieved through making it vertical and releasing the tension in the jaw and tongue. That [i] is wonderfully resonant AND lines up with everything around it.
When a student seems to not even try when given new instructions, it's easy to decide that they don't care, that they are just oppositional by nature, or as one teacher decided about me, that there is just something wrong with the student. To be honest, there was something wrong, several somethings actually, but what was most damaging about her assessment was that it seemed to imply that I was hopelessly flawed and couldn't be fixed. It's easy to assign labels based on behavior. It takes more work, more time and more energy to find the underlying causes beneath those behaviors.
Although I started out this blog with icebergs as big, scary dangers, I think we also can use that metaphor for good things too. Is there something under that ice we see as good behavior, or is it just floating on the water with no real anchor beneath?
I think that one of the reasons that many people avoid organized religion is because of all the do's and don'ts. At some points in our development, both as cultures and individuals, we need list of behaviors that are and are not appropriate. Without something like that, civilization crumbles. However, getting to Heaven is not just about doing or not doing certain things. Many, many years ago, the final line to the Mormon children's song "I am a Child of God" read, "teach me all that I must
know to live with him someday." At the recommendation of the prophet, the line was changed to "teach me all that I must
do to live with him someday, " indicating that knowing the right things is not enough; we must do them. A former voice teacher told me something to the effect of knowing and not doing is the same as not knowing. Yes, doing is important. Knowing and doing are important, but I would suggest that even that is not enough. It's a great first step, but we must also understanding and become.
When Christ was asked about the most important commandment, he replied that there were two--Love god, and love your neighbors. Joseph Smith said, "teach them correct principles and they will govern themselves." Christ's love and Joseph Smith's principles are the iceberg. The do's and don'ts are the results, the visible portions above the waterline, or a least they should be. The bigger more important part is what is under (and behind and motivating) those behaviors. "Teach me all that I must
be and understand" doesn't fit in the music, but I want to make sure that it fits in my life.
