Less Pain But More Determination

I don't know if it is because I'm moving on and healing, or if it is because I already cried all the tears that could be shed, but John Dehlin's announcement yesterday didn't hurt as much as it did in June when this latest round of excommunications and other formal and informal church discipline began.  Today, I am just sad.  Very sad.   

And it's not just about about John Dehlin.

And it's not just about April Young Bennett, who was coerced into removing blog posts where she shared her beliefs.

I write today, not to defend John or April, but to stand with them and thousands of others whose stories have not been made public, and the thousands who will now never feel safe enough to share their own beliefs and doubts.

The church thinks it can end this, silence people, and go back to business as usual by removing the leaders, but in truth, what it does is it steals the hope that was keeping people in the church.  In refusing to talk about hard things, and trying to silence them instead, the church says to many people that they are not welcome.  President Uchtdorf can declare that there is room for us in the church, but then local leaders show us that there isn't room for these people or the people who share some of their thoughts.

In many areas, I support the idea of allowing local leaders to deal with the daily ins and outs of how the church works.  But with something big like this, when the General Authorities sit back and say that it is up to the local leaders, it just feeds the leadership roulette.  I've read marvelous stories about people whose leaders have been open and loving and helped them to find ways to participate in church even if their beliefs and actions weren't exactly by the book.  And then there are stories like John's and April's, and worse.

Although John's stake president worded it a little differently, John used these words to describe the conditions that he was given (both versions can be read here):

1.  That I publicly renounced and apologize for any/all past doubts and criticisms that I have made regarding the church, its theology/doctrine, its historicity, or its policies (listed above).

2.  That I do my best to remove any past podcast episodes, blog posts, or Facebook posts that contain the public expression of either doubt about, or criticism of, the LDS church – whether these comments were made by me, or by any of the people I have interviewed over the past nine years.

3.  That I stop my public support of same-sex marriage, and my public support of Ordain Women.

4.  That I resign from the web site that allows me to perform marriage ceremonies (listed above).

I believe that number four is actually a misunderstanding on the stake president's part.  The stake president's words are, "Resign your status as an ordained minister in another faith." This is not a case of John going to years of Seminary (I mean real Seminary, not little s seminary that Mormon youth attend either early mornings before school or during released time) to then complete the ordination process and become a Lutheran pastor.  This is a website where you can pay a fee to be "ordained" so that you meet requirements in the US to be able to legally perform marriages.  It's a work around, a loop hole, not a real calling in another church.

Even if it was about John committing to another church, I don't really understand why that means he must be cut off from this one.  I'm serious about this.  It's one of the things I'm currently struggling with.  Attending Unity Church-Unitarian has been a life changing experience for me.  I don't know yet if I will commit to that church long-term.  It may be that their gift will help me return to the LDS church in a way that is more healthy for me, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  But if I sign Unity's membership book, that's grounds for excommunication from the LDS church (not just a rumor, it's in the handbook.)  Although my experiences with the LDS church have caused me a lot of pain, I'm not sure that I'm ready to be done with it yet.  So I'm stuck in this in between place.

But back to the topic of this post...

The first two items that John's stake president listed basically tell us that it is OK to have doubts and criticisms, we just shouldn't share them. Please read more of John's work for why this is so dangerous.  And if you are not comfortable reading the words of someone you consider an apostate, read mine (since you're already reading this blog anyway.)  I spent most of my life thinking that I was the only Mormon who felt the way I did and thought the things I thought.  For whatever reason, I never felt comfortable sharing those things with anyone, so I spent far too long just thinking I was defective.  I'm fairly certain that even though my lifelong battle with depression is partly hereditary, it also is linked to my relationship with a church where I didn't feel like I fit in and I didn't feel like I could have a different opinion.

Item three could lead to my own excommunication if my bishop and stake president decided that they felt the same way.  I do not have a profile on the Ordain Women website.  I'm not completely onboard with Ordain Women and some of their methods, but I think they have opened conversations on important issues.  I stand with my sisters and brothers who are honestly trying to bring more light and truth into the church.  I am 100% in favor of same-sex marriage.  The reasons why are the topic for another post, but if push comes to shove, like John, I will keep my integrity rather than my church membership.

What do I want right now?  I want real conversations that happen in the open.  I want people to be able to speak their truth without fear.

With recent events in the church and in the world, I am reminded of this post from Feminist Mormon Housewives:

Ten words that would have altered history and preserved Zion:  Sisters, we see you have concerns.  Come talk with us.  

And these words written by the co-minister of my UU church:

For remaining silent when a single voice would have made a difference-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For each time that our fears have made us rigid and inaccessible-
I forgive myself, I forgive you: We begin again in love.
For each time that we have struck out in anger without just cause-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For each time that our greed has blinded us to the needs of others-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For the selfishness which sets us apart and alone-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For falling short of the admonitions of the spirit-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For losing site of our unity-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
For those and so many acts both evident and subtle which have fueled the illusion of separateness-
I forgive myself, I forgive you; We begin again in love.
~Reverend Rob Eller-Issacs from “Litany of Atonement"

To those words, I add my own.  I see you.  I hear you.  I want to understand. Come. Let's do this work of healing together.  

The pattern

I wrote most of this post a few days ago, but didn't actually get around to posting it.  And now I know why.  Because there was another part of the pattern that I hadn't included, and I didn't realize it was part of the pattern until today.  My body has one other thing it does to get my attention--I trip and/or fall causing injuries that slow me down.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Here is the original post:

The pattern

I've been through this cycle enough times to know exactly how it will go, so why do I keep getting caught in it? First, I get a little stressed because I have overcommitted myself.  My body gives me a gentle warning to back off.  Sometimes it comes in the form of more pain and tension.  Sometimes the warning is fatigue.  Sometimes it is brain fog.  

When I don't listen and I don't slow down, my body starts creating combinations of brain fog, pain, and fatigue, hoping to get me to rest.  But, my life is intense, and I don't always listen.  Plus I've always had that personality that can keep pushing through a difficult situation.  I'm determined (or as some people may say, stubborn).  I don't give up easily.  And neither does my body.  

When the gentle, and not so gentle reminders are ignored, my body does the only thing left in it's arsenal.  It declares, "If you don't choose to rest, I will force you to rest."  Then it sends my immune system on vacation and leaves my open to whatever virus is most prominent at the time.  If I'm lucky, it's just a cold, and I can cut back on activities to get some needed rest and recuperation, but I can still get through work.  If I've really annoyed my body, it opens the door to things that involve vomiting, diarrhea, and general body aches that you know won't kill you, but you wish they would.  Then I just have to stay in bed until it's all over and my body decides to forgive me.  

So if I know about this pattern, why do I keep letting it happen?  

I'm starting to learn that I can't really do everything I think I can.  I'm fully capable of doing any of the projects I'm involved in, but I just don't have the energy to do all of them.  So I've decided to back off.  People say that you shouldn't make major life decisions when you are going through a rough time. But I believe that that is when you make the most honest decisions.  When I am in a great mood and have lots of energy, I think I am capable of conquering the world.  But really, I live more of my time in the sick/tired mode, so it makes sense to set up my life for what I can accomplish on my worst days.  

So starting today, I am breaking my pattern.  I'm lightening my load.  And I'm committing to slow down whenever I get the early warning signs, rather than waiting until I am so far gone that I have to stay in bed.  I'm also committing to better energy management, using the energy I have wisely, and taking the time to recharge.  

The Fibro Dilemmas

As I've mentioned before, I have fibromyalgia. One of the joys (not) of fibromylagia is the pain. And because my body hates pain, all the muscles in my body tighten in response to it. When the pain and tension reach a certain level, nausea and vomitting kick in too. Luckily I'm not there today, yet.

One of the best things to help the pain is exercise. Exercise releases endorphins which help kill the pain. Exercise also increases blood flow which helps to relax the muscles. However, there are some times when exercise is just too much and I end up feeling worse. Tonight I really want to go to the gym, but my leg is already bothering me and was hurting just walking. Do I go to the gym and fight through the first 30-40 minutes in pain? Yes, sometimes it takes that long for the good stuff to kick in. Or do I take a day off and rest?

Which brings me to the next dilemma--I need lots of rest and sleep, but if I stay in the same position too long, when I do move, there is a lot of stiffness and pain. Will going to bed early help me feel better tomorrow, or will too many hours in bed make me feel worse?

The hard part is that there isn't a formula for figuring out the right answers. Two situations that seem exactly the same could yield completely opposite results. That's the fun part of Fibromyalgia. Throw in the fact that with Fibro fog it is hard to think clearly, and it really becomes fun.

OK, enough complaining. Time for meds.

Icebergs

Little children seem to have a fascination with the word "why". They want to know the why of everything, sometimes much to the annoyance of the adults they keep asking. But on the opposite extreme, sometimes as adults, we fail to ask the question "Why?" and respond only to the behaviors, actions, and situations that are currently present. We punish the offender or medicate to relieve symptoms rather than digging for the deeper meaning of the offense or pain. Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to punishment or pain meds. But, if that is as far as our interaction goes, we are not getting to the root of the problem. Or as I learned at the autism workshop, we are just addressing the tip of the iceberg.

As I'm sure you know, the part of the iceberg that is visible above the water is usually a very small percentage of the full iceberg. Although what is above the water line is dangerous, it is what is below the water line that is the real iceberg and because we cannot see it, it poses a greater risk.

I wish I could just reprint these illustrations for you, but I will do my best to describe them. When looking at the iceberg that is called "Tantrums", we see that the specific behaviors lying above the water line are screams without apparent cause, self-injurious, and destroys toys. If we respond only to those behaviors that we see, noone is going to be happy, and nothing will improve. If we look at and work with the underlying deficits, that part of the tantrums that lies below the water line of our iceberg, we have a chance of changing things for the better. Those underlying deficits are unable to communicate needs, emotional inconsistency, poor understanding of the situation, strong need for closure or sameness and low frustration tolerance. To be honest, if I were a parent dealing just with the specific behaviors described here, I would probably be an abusive parent. But looking at the underlying causes helps me to love this child more and look for ways to help him or her.

Let's move this concept beyond autism. Take for example the social/political situation in the middle east. It's very easy to condemn those horrible people and what they are doing to their neighbors based solely on religious differences, but when you take a look at the last few thousand years of history in that region, or even the last hundred years, the lines between the good guys and the bad guys become blurred. You start to understand why they feel wronged and why they feel entitled to the land and the government of the people.

And what about our health? How many of us go to the doctor because we want him/her to fix what is wrong, meaning make the pain or disease go away? Do we take the time and interest to ask why it may have occurred in the first place? Western medicine is improving in this area, but I think we have a long way to go.

I love my fibromyalgia and I bet you won't find many people that will say that. The reason I love it is because my body is constantly reminding me of what it needs. If I treat it with love and compassion, it is much kinder to me. It's very easy to treat the pain with meds, and the fatigue with sugar and caffeine, but it is a short term fix, and in the long run, makes things worse instead of better. When I am in pain, I need to look at why. Is my stress level too high? Have I missed too many workouts? (Endorphins are amazing.) Have I consumed too much sugar and/or caffeine or even carbohydrates in general? Although they help with the fatigue, they make the pain and inflammation much worse. If I'm tired or not sleeping well, I need to look at why? Is it the rebound from the sugar and caffeine? Have I missed my daily deep breathing exercises? Is my bed in dire need of replacement? The answer to that last one is a definite yes.

Finally, I need to be asking the question "Why?" more as I work with my students. It used to create great frustration when my very talented students wouldn't practice, but as I've come to understand some of the their reasons, it bothers me less. Rather than the lecture on how they'll never improve if they don't spend hours practicing, I now try to help them find ways to fit in whatever they can in their lives and we're all happier.

It is also easy to treat a vocal "symptom" without ever addressing the actual cause. Here's my favorite example and one that I'm constantly dealing with with my students. The [i] vowel can be a singer's best friend or their worst enemy. For those of you not familiar with IPA, I'm referring to the ee sound like in the word cheese. In fact, think of that horrible bright smiley word that photographers have you say to make you smile and you'll understand why choir directors hate this vowel. As it is normally spoken, it is very bright, shallow, and horizontal. If sung in the same manner, its sound jumps out of the texture of the music and doesn't blend well at all. Some choir directors will have students change all [i] sounds to [I] as in the word skin. Others use other ways to manipulate the sound of the group vowel. But what happens too often is that when kids come to me, I discover that their perception of the fix has totally destroyed anything even closely related to the [i] vowel. Often the kids are pulling their tongues way back. Yes, it does take the piercing sound out, but now the vowel jumps out of the texture in the other direction. You have beautiful clear sound, and then a really muffled swallowed [i] vowel breaks that line. In the choir teacher's defense, they cannot check how every student is interpretting their instructions. They just hear the overall result of the choir. When the choir [i] is what they want to hear, they assume that the individuals are creating it correctly.

The true and beautiful [i] sound is not achieved by changing the vowel or by pulling it back. It is achieved through making it vertical and releasing the tension in the jaw and tongue. That [i] is wonderfully resonant AND lines up with everything around it.

When a student seems to not even try when given new instructions, it's easy to decide that they don't care, that they are just oppositional by nature, or as one teacher decided about me, that there is just something wrong with the student. To be honest, there was something wrong, several somethings actually, but what was most damaging about her assessment was that it seemed to imply that I was hopelessly flawed and couldn't be fixed. It's easy to assign labels based on behavior. It takes more work, more time and more energy to find the underlying causes beneath those behaviors.

Although I started out this blog with icebergs as big, scary dangers, I think we also can use that metaphor for good things too. Is there something under that ice we see as good behavior, or is it just floating on the water with no real anchor beneath?

I think that one of the reasons that many people avoid organized religion is because of all the do's and don'ts. At some points in our development, both as cultures and individuals, we need list of behaviors that are and are not appropriate. Without something like that, civilization crumbles. However, getting to Heaven is not just about doing or not doing certain things. Many, many years ago, the final line to the Mormon children's song "I am a Child of God" read, "teach me all that I must know to live with him someday." At the recommendation of the prophet, the line was changed to "teach me all that I must do to live with him someday, " indicating that knowing the right things is not enough; we must do them. A former voice teacher told me something to the effect of knowing and not doing is the same as not knowing. Yes, doing is important. Knowing and doing are important, but I would suggest that even that is not enough. It's a great first step, but we must also understanding and become.

When Christ was asked about the most important commandment, he replied that there were two--Love god, and love your neighbors. Joseph Smith said, "teach them correct principles and they will govern themselves." Christ's love and Joseph Smith's principles are the iceberg. The do's and don'ts are the results, the visible portions above the waterline, or a least they should be. The bigger more important part is what is under (and behind and motivating) those behaviors. "Teach me all that I must be and understand" doesn't fit in the music, but I want to make sure that it fits in my life.

Why don't I learn?

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about how the Lord likes to remind me who gave me my talents and what he wants me to use them for. I had 5 performances coming up and was fighting allergy related laryngitis. All the performances were fine, not my best, but good enough. When we do what we can, the Lord really does take care of the rest. I've learned that. Can I have my voice back now?

This week it is my body that is sending me serious reminders. When I don't put my physical health first and put the time I need to into good nutrition, exercise, and adequate rest, my body decides to force me to rest. When I don't take care of myself, I get sick. It's like my body says,"I need rest and if you don't give it to me, I'm going to force you to take it. I don't really like those germ guys any more than you do, but I'll let them have control if that is the only way I can get what I need."

I know this, so why do I keep letting myself get to this point. At least this time my body only pulled in the "germ team" and the "pain team". It's had to do worse to get me to pay attention.

Why can't I learn to listen when the Lord and my body speak quietly and give little hints that something needs to change? I know it. Now, let me do it.