Yes and No

I had trouble deciding what to call this post.

So Close and Yet So Far.
Close, But No Cigar.
Every Cloud Has Its Silver Lining.

Basically what it comes down to is this:  Yes!  Really?  I agree with your words but not your intent.

It didn't take long for news of Elder Russell M. Nelson's commencement address to reach the Mormon internet hangouts.  Deseret News even covered it. For the record, their coverage isn't surprising in any way.  They usually have something about all the commencements at all the BYU campuses.   Before I read the Deseret News story, I had already seen reports in a few Facebook groups and I had read some blog responses, and I'll be honest, responses were not happy.  And in reading the Deseret News story, neither was I.  OK, I'll be honest again.  I'm still not happy, but I took the time to watch the video and it's not as bad as I expected.  I watched the video because the title that Deseret News used and a couple of the places where they paraphrased instead of quoting actually seemed to be the most offensive parts of the talk.

This is the title of the Deseret News piece by Marianne Holman.

Elder Russell M. Nelson speaks at BYU commencement: Disciples of Jesus Christ are defenders of marriage

These are the two problem spots from the article.

Because of that, true disciples — those who are able to stand for what is right — are needed, especially those who are defenders of marriage, he said.

and

Although the “burden of discipleship is heavy,” he said that disciples of the Lord will have help and protection as they stand as defenders of marriage.  

Most of the comments I was reading online, including this blog and this blog interpreted that as "true disciples of Christ are defenders of traditional marriage (meaning they will fight against marriage equality for gays)." Because I am always one to give a person the benefit of the doubt, I actually watched the entire address (three or four times if you count searching for and typing the parts I want to share here).  I specifically listened for "true disciples" and either "traditional marriage" or "same-sex marriage" to be used in the same sentence.  I'm happy to say that he chose his words very carefully.  It's not there.  No easy sound bite.  But the way he frames it leaves no doubt about the intent, at least not to me.  He wants people engaged in the fight against legalizing same-sex marriage.  And this is the part that is troubling to the Mormon LGBT community and allies.  A man that we sustain as a prophet, seer, and revelator used commencement (not even General Conference or a fireside or a talk in regular church, but commencement!) to address this touchy political and religious subject.  And I'm sorry, but I have to agree with some commenters.  If disciples of Christ are defenders of traditional marriage, the opposite seems implied:  if you in favor of marriage equality you are not a disciple of Christ.  Who gets to decide if I actually qualify as a disciple of Christ?  Me and Christ. Nobody else.  Unfortunately, many people in the Mormon church believe that publicly disagreeing with the words of a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, like the bloggers I linked to above did or as I am doing now, is wrong.  (How wrong seems to be linked to how vocal you are, how public you are, and if you are male or female.)

__________

Moving on because this post really is about the good stuff in the talk.

__________

What I found as I listened is that there are many good and beautiful things expressed here if you can read between the lines or remove his obvious agenda.  That is what this post is really about--all the things that he and I agree on, and my slightly different take on some of what he said.

He started out great.  He does talk about families and eternal families, but he also talks about the power of strong partnerships and working together and even mentions examples of other kinds of partnerships.  (The Mayo brothers, lawyers, and others.) Improvements depend upon collaboration and agreement.   He talks about the skills of sharing insights, efforts, and building consensus.   Even though he keeps referencing husband and wife I like this because he also included other kinds of partnerships.  He even says that we need to develop our own attributes and character.  So far so good.

He says, it's time for you to define your own goals and expectations. Rather than focusing on what you need to do,  zero in on what you are to be.  Still good.

He asks what you would like to have said about you at your funeral?  The first things he references are being a good father or mother, and I let that slide because I know it is important to many even though it will probably never be a part of my life.  He lists some other great things, and then shifts to virtues, segueing into more family/marriage talk.  He uses the word relationships and I love that.  I also think that our biggest opportunities for growth happen in relationships.  He would probably say that that happens in families.  I think it can happen in lots of kinds of relationships.

Male and female are created for what they can do and become together.

I love this idea.  Not so much as one male plus one female can accomplish X, but as the need to be interdependent, to view relationships and every part of the world as an essential part of our own experience.

He says that by our individual and family examples, we can tell the world how God defines marriage.  I'm with him on this, but I just don't think that there is sufficient evidence for us to really know what God thinks about this. I think this is one of those areas that we just plain don't have all the light and truth about yet.

Slight tangent--I'm looking forward to the day when we hear something similar to this quote from Bruce R. McConkie given shortly after the the change in policy and doctrine related to the priesthood and temple ordinances for blacks.

Forget everything that I have said, or what President Brigham Young or President George Q. Cannon or whomsoever has said in days past that is contrary to the present revelation. We spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world.
We get our truth and our light line upon line and precept upon precept. We have now had added a new flood of intelligence and light on this particular subject, and it erases all the darkness and all the views and all the thoughts of the past. They don’t matter any more.
It doesn’t make a particle of difference what anybody ever said about the Negro matter before the first day of June of this year, 1978. It is a new day and a new arrangement, and the Lord has now given the revelation that sheds light out into the world on this subject.

Back to Elder Nelson.

He gives a great quote from Paul that I think many people on both sides of this issue can relate to.  In the world at large, some Mormons are feeling persecuted because they are defending traditional marriage.  But it applies the other way too.  LGBT Mormons and allies within the church don't have an easy road either.

Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.
2 Timothy 3:12 

Elder Nelson says,

It will not be comfortable for true disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.  

(See the second blog post above for another perspective on true disciples.)

The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday.  It's about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night,  24/7.  There is no such thing as a part-time disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Amen!!!!  I can no longer just sit in the pews and nod and pretend smile when I don't agree.  I can't sit and watch people hurt my friends.  I have to proclaim the truth with kindness even when it is unpopular.

I believe you will be courageous and proclaim God's truth with clarity and kindness even when his truth is politically unpopular.

Again, a fabulous quote.  I will just add this, what about when it's unpopular at church?

Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage.  We cannot yield.  

Yes.  I am all about defending marriage.  Although I'm not currently married, I see it as a good and wonderful thing and I do think that God is pleased when there are strong marriages. But defending marriage isn't about preventing certain people from being able to marry.  It's about making sure your own marriage is strong.  Can we be defenders of marriage that speak out about abuse?  Can we be defenders of marriage that advocate for more family time?  Can we be defenders of marriage that support and love our same-sex married friends?  I feel called to defend those marriages too.

The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to his Gospel. 

I'm with him on this too although we might disagree about what the gospel is.

Elder Nelson reminds us that we take upon ourselves the name of Christ, and renew that covenant every time we take the sacrament.  I'm totally with him on this too, but I think we have some different ideas about what this means.  He seems to mean that we need to fall in line and do whatever the church leaders say.  To me, it means that we remember the most important thing Jesus taught:  love.  That is what the gospel is, not a bunch of rules and not trying to keep other people from having the opportunity for happiness, growth, and love in their lives.

I'm totally open to the possibility that I'm wrong and he's totally right.  But I still feel that we are a long way from having the full truth, all the light and knowledge, that God wants us to have about this issue.  We've come a long way, but there is still a long way to go.

The Answer is Love

Warning:  Super long post with numerous links to long posts, videos, etc. Give it some time.  I think you'll find that it's worth it.  

I've been struggling with something for many years, but recent events have brought it to the forefront again.  I've always been the person in the middle, the one who could see both the gifts and the pain on both sides of any issue.  I've stayed with the church of my youth (even through a lot of pain and a lot of situations where actions were taken that I don't agree with) because I can also see a lot of good and beauty and truth (and to be completely honest, mostly because I thinking leaving would hurt a lot of people I care about.)

Today, I am writing more to help me remember and process these things than to convince anyone else.  But, (and there is always a but with me) I also think that I am called to build bridges, to help people understand the other side, and if this post does even a little of that, I will be very happy.

Today, I am sharing both situations that frustrate me and make me want to leave, and those moments when I have heard or read things that seem to be saying, "Stay and make it better."  Because I am both a survivor of abuse, and a person with tendencies towards co-dependency, it is very important to me to figure out how to deal with this.  Part of me says "Get away and don't let them hurt you anymore."  Another part of me says, "But maybe by staying, you can bring them into the light." Am I really called to be a peacemaker and to help people understand these things, or am I just throwing myself back into abusive situations?

The LDS Church and the LGBT Community

In October of 2010, President Boyd K. Packer delivered a controversial address at the LDS General Conference.  While many church member saw it as love filled, many LGBT friends (those both in and out of the church) and their families and friends were hurt by it.  
I wrote this post in response.  

The same-sex couple I reference in that post are now married (although currently Utah does not recognize the marriage) with 2 beautiful children.   You can see their beautiful family and read more about their struggles to be recognized as a family here.  They are a family. There is love and beauty and strength in their family.  Right now, my church is fighting with words, time, and money to ensure that the love and bonds of this family mean nothing, to make them less than human in the eyes of the law.  I can't do that.  I will not do that.  I will stand with these beautiful people that I love.  

Women and the Church

I've addressed feminism and the Ordain Women movement in previous posts, including this one.  

I'm not a member of Ordain Women, but I know enough members and have heard enough of their stories to really feel compassion and love for these sisters and brothers.  Many people involved in Ordain Women are temple recommend holding members who serve in callings and attend church weekly. They are not apostates.  There may be one or two of them that sit next to you in church every week.  

Or maybe they don't sit next to you, because their voices weren't heard, and rather than listening to their pain and "comfort[ing] those who stand in need of comfort," we pushed them out the door.  Yes, part of the criticism of Ordain Women is true. There are some in the group that have left the church, or that remain on the fringes of the church (often because of the issues they bring up when they talk about why we need ordination.) I am not a member of Ordain Women because as close as I am to leaving the church, I don't feel like it is my battle to fight.  (Feel free to ask me more questions about this in a private setting.)

In what has been perceived as a reactionary movement, Mormon Women Stand has exploded on the scene.  Again, I have many friends involved in this group and I respect their choice to be involved.  While I appreciate the group's efforts to share the best of the gospel and to stand for truth and righteousness, their own "About" page tells me that I am not welcome.  

Discussions focused on questioning, debating, and doubting gospel principles do little to build the kingdom of God.

I am full of doubts and questions, and I need to talk about deep things, debate them even, to really, fully understand them.  I need to talk about the hard things, and I need to listen to others who have similar needs.  That is how I can best build the kingdom of God.  

(As a side note, sometimes I want to physically grab members of both groups, shake them silly, and then say, "This!  Look at this particular item! Can't you see that you're both saying the same thing here, but arguing that the other side doesn't get it?!"  More on that another time.)

Watching Others Go

My FB friend statistics make me sad sometimes.  Many (maybe even most) of my Mormon friends from my high school and college years have left the church, often because their voices were not heard and their experiences were not accepted, affirmed, or even acknowledged.  In some cases these people were even abused, shunned, and demonized.  

But my sadness isn't all about them leaving and missing out.  It's mostly about how much peace and happiness I see in their lives now.  It's about how brave I see them being as they choose their paths with integrity.  It's about me being sad that I have not been strong enough to do the same thing.  

A few months ago, another family that I love decided that their spiritual needs would best be served in a religious community whose views are more in line with the family's views of LGBT rights and women's issues.  They were kind of my anchors.  If they could sit though the difficult stuff, so could I.  But now they're gone.  Is it my time to step away too?

More Same-Sex Marriage Stuff

Last week I opened FB to see one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen.  (Seriously, these people glowed even more than Michelle and Kathy and their kids do in that picture from the Huffington post that I linked above.)  It was a picture of my dear, sweet friend and her beautiful wife, announcing their marriage.  Unlike Kathy and Michelle, these wonderful women no longer have to fight to have their family acknowledged, at least not legally.  Their marriage came just slightly more than a year after same-sex marriage became legal in Minnesota.  In the past year, I have watched so many friends take that joyous step that was for so long denied to them. 

The FB picture (and all it represented for me) was so beautiful that I keep going back to it again and again.  It still makes me cry tears of joy.  And I can't wrap my head around why some people think that this love is wrong. I just can't.  Yes, I've read all the arguments, but my head and my heart and the Spirit tells me that God loves these women and is happy for the peace and strength this will bring to their lives.  

And the Internet Rips My Heart Out Yet Again

#YesAllWomen
I tried to avoid the stories about the shooting, but I couldn't avoid what grew out of one response.  I first encountered the hashtag #YesAllWomen in a closed FB group.  Some of the women there have told their stories before, but in the safety of this closed group, some spoke their fears and horrors for the first time.  

If you want to know more, check FB or Twitter where the stories are probably still trending.  

Or you can read these stories shared by Mormon women.  #YesEvenMormonWomen

And Then I Heard a Message of Hope...

Maya Angelou, a strong woman with a beautiful soul passed away this week. As I read and listened to her words in the many posts honoring her this week, I was reminded that I don't have to stay in the bitter situations that beat me down and hurt my soul. I am strong enough to take charge of my own life, to step away from and rise up from those people and situations that don't reflect who I am and what my mission in life is. Even if you don't click on any of the other links in this post, click on this one and hear the beautiful words in her own voice.

Still I Rise

Everything I've mentioned so far in this post seems to say, "Run far and run fast.  Embrace the beauty and truth and love awaiting you if you can get out of the church now."

But These Things Happened Too...

Read or watch this whole address by Joyce DiDonato at Juilliard's commencement.  She spoke to my heart.  The world does need me, and maybe the church does too.  

The world needs you. Now, the world may not exactly realize it, but wow, does it need you. It is yearning, starving, dying for you and your healing offer of service through your Art. We need you to help us understand that which is bigger than ourselves, so that we can stop feeling so small, so isolated, so helpless that, in our fear, we stop contributing that which is unique to us: that distinct, rare, individual quality which the world is desperately crying out for and eagerly awaiting. We need you to remind us what unbridled, unfiltered, childlike exuberance feels like, so we remember, without apology or disclaimer, to laugh, to play, to FLY and to stop taking EVERYTHING so damn seriously. We need you to remind us what empathy is by taking us deep into the hearts of those who are, God forbid, different than us – so that we can recapture the hope of not only living in peace with each other, but THRIVING together in a vibrant way where each of us grows in wonder and joy. We need you to make us feel an integral PART of a shared existence through the communal, universal, forgiving language of music, of dance, of poetry and Art – so that we never lose sight of the fact that we are all in this together and that we are all deserving of a life that overflows with immense possibility, improbable beauty and relentless truth.

What an honor it is to share in this day with you – savor every single moment of it – and then fly out of this building, armed with the knowledge that YOU make a difference, that your art is NECESSARY, and that the world is eagerly awaiting to hear what YOU have to say. Go on, make us laugh, cry, dance, FEEL, unite, and believe in the incredible power of humanity to overcome anything.

Sometimes God/the Universe/the FB algorithms know exactly what I need to see and hear. It's been a week of synchronicity. 

A friend shared these two wonderful videos of Maya Angelou about love.

Then another friend wrote and shared this. (If you're not reading her blog on a regular basis, you should be.)

And on Friday, my visiting teachers and I had the best visit ever. One of them needed to get some plants for her yard, so we drove to a nearby nursery, where I got to see many beautiful plants. (I'm a flower nerd. Can't get enough beautiful flowers! See my FB photos.) Then we went to lunch and they shared the message on the car ride home.

To be completely honest again, I was nervous about the message they would share. You see, in May, there is no assigned visiting teaching message. Visiting Teachers are supposed to prayerfully choose a message from the talks given at April General Conference. Because I had shared my feelings about Ordain Women last month, I was kind of worried that they were going to share what many have referred to as the Priesthood smackdown. (You can read and see it here. Although there are some things that bother me, there are also a lot of wonderful things in that talk that actually make me feel better, as do these changes in the way we talk about Priesthood when we educate the Young Women.)

But back to the VT message...Anyone want to guess the topic they chose for the message this month? Yes. It was love. They chose this beautiful message titled "Love--the Essence of the Gospel." For years I've been saying that if you had to reduce the gospel of Jesus Christ to just one word, that word would be "Love." So glad to be reminded that President Monson agrees with me.

Then I went to the school for some early evening lessons. A student who graduated a couple of years ago came back for a lesson to prepare to sing at a wedding. Of course, a wedding song will have something to do with love, but not every song says this.

And A Quick Review of My FB Timeline for the Last Couple of Weeks Showed These Shares (which means it spoke to my heart)...

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

And another.

"Love, time, and honesty. You can tell what my brain has been focused on lately."  Yes, I know these kinds of things are silly and might not have any real meaning, but on some level, I do think that we see what we are looking for, the things that our focus has been on recently.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

And Then I Read This…

Proximity and interaction do something powerful. They force us to see how others are being affected, and perhaps see how our own actions and decisions can impact others for good or bad. This seems to be connected with the very concept of empathy. If we don’t see others, how can we fully empathize with them?

Maybe I am the "Other" at church.  And maybe, just maybe, they need me if they really want to create Zion.  

As I Near the End of this post…

Writing is therapeutic for me.  Writing is how I sort things out.  Writing is how I make my decisions.  I don't know what the future will hold, but for now, the writing has done it's job.  I've made my choice…for now.  Your choice may be different.  Down the road, my own choice may be different. But for now, the answer is Love.  That is all I can do.  I can trust in Love.  I can trust in God.  I can trust that if I listen to my soul, I will know where to be and what to do.  

And I Also Watched This (Again)…

Darmok

If you don't want to watch the whole episode, you can read the synopsis here.  

Can we find a way to communicate?  Can we work together to solve the world's and church's problems?  Can we succeed and leave the challenge together as friends?  

Sometimes I feel a little like Dathon.  Sometimes you have to do something dangerous.  Sometimes, you have to risk it all for something better…for understanding.  

Final words from the Star Trek Mormon (read here to find out why I call myself a Star Trek Mormon. And if you are not enough of a Star Trek geek to quote from the movies and TV shows in your daily life, you can see the translation here.)

Darmok on the ocean.

The beast at Tanagra.

Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.

Darmok and Jalad on the ocean.