Live and Love

I've discovered that when I type using the tiny touch keyboard on my iPhone, because the keys are so small, the o and i often get mixed up. Often I try to type that I love something and end up saying that I live it instead.

Is it really a mistake, or my subconscious telling me how important it really is? Do I live in a way that reflects the things and ideas that I love? Do I love the way I live?

I mix up of and if too, but I don't really have any profound thoughts about that.
-- Posted from my iPhone

I love Tai Chi

Not wanting to bore my friends with the same status I've used a million times before, I've tried not to post "I love Tai Chi" as my FB status after every class, but I know I think it frequently. And today, I love it so much that it is my blog title, not just a status.

Once again, Saturday offered too many choices of good things, but I chose the one that I really needed--World Tai Chi and Qigong Day at Normandale Community College. I saw demonstrations of many styles and forms of Tai Chi (and participated in the demo of one form). There were also breakout sessions, a group meditation, and an amazing drum performance. I left energized and excited and educated about my future with Tai Chi and Qigong.

But before talking about the future, I need to share a little of the past. I first became interested in Tai Chi years ago when it was introduced as part of a class on Sociology and Health that I took from Dr. Aho at Idaho State University. The entire course was amazing, but I was particularly interested in Chi and it's place in Chinese health and society. For years, I casually looked for a Tai Chi class that fit my budget and schedule, which basically meant that it was all just wishful thinking. Then late in the fall of 2009, I decided that it was time to do something for me. During what was probably a mini-manic phase (because I actually thought I had the time and money), I called and made an appointment for a massage, signed up for Mini-Medical School at the U of MN, and enrolled in a Tai Chi class through our school district's Community Ed.

Technically, I'm morbidly obese (according to weight charts, although blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. are all at normal levels). Plus, I'm not the most coordinated person in the world. (We still laugh and wonder how I can play the organ which requires both hands and both feet all working together, when other things like learning to drive a car with a clutch were really hard). I love to dance, but it takes me a long time to learn the steps, and the directors and choreographers usually did a good job of hiding me in the back. Also, every gym/fitness class I ever took in high school or college was always the most stressful course in my load. I was a brain, and my physical lack of coordination, ability, etc. destroyed any joy I may have gotten from the experience because I was worried about my GPA being ruined because I was a clutz. (Did I mention that I frequently walk into walls?)

So, that huge rambling paragraph was just to illustrate the fact that although I was excited to finally explore Tai Chi, I was also a little frightened. Luckily, I happened to find one of the best Tai Chi instructors and programs.

I started with the Sun 31 form in January of 2010 and discovered that I could really do this and I loved doing it. I had only planned to do the one session, but I couldn't quit. In the Spring, I fell and broke my arm. (It was not a sports injury. I couldn't even blame it on the icy MN winter. The clutz stepped in a whole and fell). Because of the break, I missed a few weeks of class, but then when I was healed, I started attending twice a week to make up the missed classes. Twice a week was even better! I was definitely hooked.

Linda asked me to be her teaching assistant for the Sun 41 class in the fall. (41 is the form currently endorsed by the Arthritis Foundation and is very similar to the form I had already learned). I jumped at the oppotunity to get another hour of Tai Chi for free. This year has been awesome as I've polished my skills at Sun 41, learned Yang 24, and started learning the Fan Form.

One of the reasons that Linda's classes have been so good for me is that she is really good at reminding you to find what feels good for your body. It's not a competition; you don't have to meet certain proficiencies by a certain date; you just learn the basics and gradually refine it as your skill level and strength increases. This will probably sound bad, but I think that one of the things that allowed me to thrive in this class is that there were real people in the class, dealing with weight issues, health problems, and coordination challenges sometimes worse than my own. And Linda helped each of us to find how Tai Chi can best work for us.

Last year, as I was leaving class, another student commented on how graceful I was doing Tai Chi. Part of me laughed, but another part was super excited. I've been called many things, but I don't think I had even been called graceful. (I have the heart of a dancer, but even when I was thin, my body was not proportioned correctly. And if course there was that little balance/coordination issue). I came home and sent a message to my college dance instructor/choreographer knowing that he'd think it was as funny as I did. Last week, another student used the word graceful referring to me. Tai Chi is good for my self-esteem!

Seriously, it is good for my self-esteem. Actually, the last decade has been good for my self image. I used to be super critical of myself, and I'm learning to really like me, just the way I am. Yes, I really do need to lose weight, but I'm more comfortable in this body than I was in my 140 pound college body. I like who I am, and I find myself being less and less critical of this body, while at the same time making choices to make it better. On a bad day,I might have a thought or two about having my huge backside to a group of people in an exercise class, but even then, I just turn and do my thing and forget about it pretty quickly. My size doesn't get in the way of me helping these people to learn Tai Chi.

And today, my size actually helped someone and helped her to see that she can do Tai Chi too. Linda invited me to do the demo with the Normandale classes and instructors. I'm pretty comfortable in front of our class now, but this was an audience of strangers, and although I would be in a big group, it was a group of people I didn't know. I figured I'd be safe if I stayed in the middle, and when we lined up in the hallway, I tried to position myself so that I would be in the middle. Unfortunately, I ended up on the side, so there were people in front and in back of me, but not to the right. On my right was the audience. It should not have been a big deal, but performance anxiety did get in the way a bit. I didn't do anything really wrong, but I didn't get into it as much as I wanted to. I got through it. The best part of the day though was during a break when someone from the audience came up to talk to me. She thanked me for doing the demo and said how nice it was to see a queen size person up there doing it. She is not as large as I am, but she had taken a class previously where she had been made to feel like she shouldn't be there because of her size and joint problems. She was so careful as she phrased it, not wanting to offend me by saying I was fat. I wish I had gotten her full name and contact info so I could really thank her. I've loved helping Linda teach her classes, and this comment from a stranger today simply reinforced my desire to learn more and eventually teach Tai Chi. I want people to see that you can make healthy choices and do things that are good for your body even if you don't have a perfect body.

I teach voice lessons to students of a wide range of talent and skill level. Of course I love the super gifted. Who doesn't? But what I love most about teaching is seeing the students progress from wherever they are. Yes, it's great when your student wins a competition or is chosen best in site at contest, but it is also extremely rewarding, sometimes more so, when the kid that couldn't match pitch is now singing in tune 80% of the time. Some teachers would be frustrated by that other scary 20%, but I see how far the kid has come and feel great joy and satisfaction in that.

Tai Chi is "exercise", but it is primarily about promoting health by increasing the flow of Chi. Chi is energy. One of the speakers today called that energy unconditional love and said we are all born with it.

One of my voice teachers described the voice as a glowing ball of light (and I've told this and adapted it so many times, that I'm not sure where her imagery ends and mine begins. Sorry) We are all born with it. Some are big; some are small; some are brighter than others; but we all are born with a beautiful light. But life covers that light with layers of other stuff until sometimes the light is not visible at all. Voice lessons are not about "building" a voice. They are about gradually peeling away the layers to reveal the light and beauty beneath them.

Every time I think of a ball of energy when doing Tai Chi or Qigong, it looks exactly like my voice ball of light. Coincidence? I don't think so. I think they are one and the same. I have always felt called to help people find their voices. This new Tai Chi adventure is not a new path for me. It is simply more exploration with new terminology. And it is another way that I can make a difference in the world.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Will the real Jeannine please stand up

I have social anxiety (and a lot of other things whose acronyms I string together and lovingly refer to as my Alphabet Soup Disorder.) I deal with it a lot better than I used to and some people that I interact with regularly are completely unaware of it. But it is still there. And that means that it is really hard for me to start up a conversation with a stranger. Even in a group of friends, I often just sit back and listen. It also means that almost every word and action is accompanied by me wondering how those around me will take what I do and say.

I'm also not super touchy-feely. I don't always jump anymore when someone touches me unexpectedly and if I'm with a touchy-feely group, I can get through the hello and goodbye hugs just fine. But I'm not the one hugging everyone in sight. Not usually anyway.

But there are times when all of that disappears and I am someone else. Catch me after I've given a great performance and I'm all about hugs. I'll hug complete strangers. I just won NaNoWriMo and then made 5 or 6 hilarious, totally unedited posts on the forum. They were what I really wanted to say, not what I revised to make pleasing to the ears of my listeners (or eyes of my readers in this case.) If you get my brain going and I am intellectually excited and challenged, the quiet girl disappears and you can't shut me up. In all of these cases, I am still in or coming off of an experience of total flow. I love flow! When I'm working in flow, I am totally focused and thoroughly enjoy whatever it is I am doing. But I don't think the benefits end there. I think it actually changes my brain chemistry for awhile afterwards. I can't remember if Csikszentmihayli (you won't believe how many times I had to check to see that I spelled that correctly, and I'm still not sure, but I'm not going to check again) says anything about that in the book. I'll have to reread it and see. But I can't help but wonder if flow makes my brain more "normal". (Yes, I know there are no truly normal brains out there.) Is this who I am supposed to be? Is this who I would be if my brain always functioned like it should?

The flow and post-flow Jeannine is kinder, more affectionate, more honest. And I'm certainly more open. That's a good thing, but it kind of scares me too. Sometimes that part of your brain that shouts "Don't say that!" is right. Some things are best left unsaid, or unwritten. I'm also a little frightened of what I might do if the wrong person took advantage of one of those moments. When I first moved to MN I dated some real losers. (If you are my FB friend, you are not one of them, which will be obvious when you read the next part.) Their number 1 goal was sex. But they didn't get very far, because all their sweet talk and/or acting macho did nothing for me. There weren't many second dates and I don't think anyone made it to 3 dates. Years later when I was telling a friend about it, I jokingly said, "Those guys would have gotten a lot farther with a good intellectually stimulating conversation." It was funny. And true. And scary.

When I'm coming off of one of those great moments, my everyday walls and barriers that I usually put up to protect myself fall away. And I am happy to let them go. I don't need them. But what about those lines that I've said I won't cross? It was easy to avoid them when a wall stood between me and the line, but I'm afraid that without the wall I may lose track of where the line is. I may cross it thinking it is a remnant of the wall I just tore down.

Maybe I just crossed it. Maybe this is TMI.

The Grammar Police strike again

This morning I was listening to my John Denver station on Pandora as I worked. (And why do I hear Elton John and Jason Mraz on that station? That's another post entirely. Now back to the real topic.) I enjoy listening to music while I work. I've even learned to mostly turn off voice teacher mode so I can listen without critiquing. But I can't quiet The Grammar Police and their associates.

I actually kind of like Neil Diamond, although I'm not sure why. But "brang"?????? Really?!?!?! I know it had to rhyme with sang, rang, and sprang, but "brang" just hurts. I know I'm not the first to make this observation, but wow!!! --the pain it brang to us grammar sensitive folks. Other than that, "Play Me" is a great song.

Then there is James Taylor's "Song for You Far Away". Again, a singer I like, performing a pretty good song. The word "away" shows up at least 11 times, and every time he sang the second syllable correctly, but the vowel at the begining of the word was the same as the one in the second syllable. I'm not fond of a back and down uh-way, but ay-way is just wrong!

Finally, Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours". As I just read through the lyrics, a few other issues jumped out at me that didn't bother me as I listened to the song. My big question is, did he really mean "God-forsaken right" and there is some deep meaning there that I am missing (which I'm not so sure of since the song is kind of shallow) or did he mean "God-given"?

Enough complaining. Back to work.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Freezer meals

Facebook wouldn't post this first paragraph, so I was forced to write more and make it a blog post.

Two and a half hours, 3 grocery stores, $160 and numerous trips up and down the stairs hauling in and putting away the food. Now the fun begins! By Monday morning, my freezer will be filled with individual portions of ranch bean chili, hearty macaroni casserole, chili bake, chicken pot pie, enchiladas, creamy sweet potato and butternut squash soup, and a few other things I'll throw together with the leftover ingredients.

Tonight I made enchiladas and while they were in the oven, I put together the hearty macaroni casserole. But then it was dinner time and I had two meals ready, so I had to try a little of each. The enchiladas were good. I found just the right amount of spicy this time. I was a little nervous about the casserole since I've never used this recipe before, but it turned out great. The Italian style diced tomatoes really made it tasty. I think this one will be added to the regular rotation.

Tomorrow I will start with the ranch bean chili (another new recipe) and the chili bake (a chili based casserole that I made up). Both of those can go straight to the freezer. I love having a freezer, fridge, and cupboards full of food. The only hard part is deciding what to eat. I want it all now.

By the way, I was too full after dinner to try the Boo Berry or Franken Berry cereal. It will have to wait for another day.

Does anyone have any ideas why I love most chocolate things, but was not in the least bit tempted to buy Count Chocula? I know we had that at my grandparents' house too. Oh well, saved me from the calories and wasted money.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Seeing what we want to see and hearing what we want to hear

Yesterday after Tai Chi class, I went looking for some beautiful fall colors. This year I have seen more of what I would refer to as burned colors. There are yellows and reds, but they are dry and dull. I knew I had seen a few trees of the vibrant colors I love, so I went looking for more. I wanted pictures to remind me that they existed. This was the first picture I took.



I love it. It was exactly what I was looking for. I also love the reflection in the water and the blue sky and clouds above.

I took a few more pictures at this location and then went in search of more colors. I found a beautiful red bush that I wanted a picture of. I was using the camera on my phone and I haven't figured out how to zoom yet, so I got a lot more in the picture that just the bush.




I then noticed the trees on the right. Those branches were bare, but absolutely beautiful. So I took another shot to include more of those trees.



Only when I was at home deciding which photos to post on Facebook did I notice what this picture is really about. It's not a picture of the red bush, or the bare-branched trees; it's a picture of the shadows of the tree branches on the sidewalk. I didn't even see the shadows when I was there.

I learned (or relearned) two important lessons:
1. Even when the world seems dull or ugly, we can find beauty, exactly the kind of beauty we need at that moment, if we really look for it; and
2. Sometimes we get so focused on what we want to find, or expect to find, that we miss out on the beauty right in front of us.

It's been an emotional week. I have many friends that were hurt by President Packer's address and more specifically by how some of their Mormon friends decided to interpret it. But some of the people coming to their defense seemed to think that the only way to protect their friends was to demean and degrade the offenders and all of their beliefs.

I live in a difficult world. My liberal friends think I'm too conservative and my conservative friends think I'm too liberal. I work and associate with people that don't understand my beliefs. I go to church with people that don't understand what wonderful, Christ-like people my friends and co-workers are. I work in a field that for whatever reason seems to have a much higher representation of the LGBT popluation than most fields. I love these friends. They are good people working through the arts to make the world a better place. I love them and support them. I am happy that they are out and have found peace with who they are. The frustrations melted away this week when I heard the joyous news that one of these same sex couples is going to have a baby. They will be wonderful parents and the child will grow up in a home filled with love.

Yes, there is a point to my ramblings and these two seemingly unrelated topics are connected. We see or hear what we are looking for, or what we have the expectation of finding. People on both sides were expecting something from President Packer and they heard what they expected to hear. For some, disagreeing with what they thought they heard ruined any hope of finding the beauty in any part of Conference. I didn't watch conference, and the first reports I heard of it were of this controversial address. I'm moving slowly, but I am working my way through, looking for the beauty and trying to be open to the fact that beauty may exist even in the talks and concepts that I don't agree with or don't understand.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "I testify you are individually loved of God, you are central to the meaning of His work, and you are cherished and prayed for by the presiding officers of His Church. The personal value, the sacred splendor of every one of you, is the very reason there is a plan for salvation and exaltation. Contrary to the parlance of the day, this is about you."

Right at the very beginning of conference, I found what brings me peace. This is what I believe. When nothing else makes sense, I know that God loves me, and loves me as I am.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Oxygen

Tonight as I walked in to the Sun style Tai Chi class that I'm helping with, I heard the familiar click of a portable oxygen tank and couldn't help but smile. You might think that a little inappropriate, but I love that sound, because it reminds me of people and places that were very special to me.

When I was in college, I was having a very difficult time for lots of reasons, but the roommate situation was particularly difficult at one point. A dear, dear family took me under their wing and opened their home to me as a place where I could feel safe and and calm. I even ended up living with them one summer. The father was on oxygen and you always knew when he was home because you could hear the hum of the oxygen machine. That sound soon came to represent the safety and peace that I felt there.

Several years later, my grandmother had to be on oxygen and although I was saddened that she needed it, the sound didn't bother me, but instead brought back wonderful memories.

When I hear the click of a portable oxygen tank, I also think of another dear friend who had to be on oxygen towards the end of her life. When we first met, she wasn't on oxygen, but still had major medical concerns. One of the first things I remember was when she took the time to take me to one of my doctor appointments across town. She was always serving others.

I hope that no one else that I love ever needs to be on oxygen, but at the same time, I love those sounds, how they make me feel, and the memories of loved ones that they bring back.




-- Posted from my iPhone