NaNoWriMo 2013??????

I'm trying to make up my mind about whether or not I can really do NaNoWriMo this year. If I decide I can, do I push for a win (50,000 words) or just be happy that I took the time to write anything?

Reasons that NaNoWriMo will be hard this year

1. I have full time job teaching voice lessons.  I enjoy them, but they require a lot of energy and mental focus.  
2. 4 hours of tai chi classes and a one hour qigong class every week.  Sometimes I'm the teacher, sometimes the teaching assistant, and sometimes, I get to just be a student.  
3. Working with my personal trainer twice a week.  
4. NATS Student Adjudications the first weekend of the month will suck up most of my writing time for that weekend.  
5. An extra qigong workshop on the second Saturday means that it is pretty much a tai chi/qigong day and I won't get much writing in.  
6. Third weekend of the month starts with a Thursday workshop I'm giving.  Then on Friday I've committed to  go to a student's performance.  Saturday is an update for my tai chi certification.  

Summary, my days and evenings during the week are already pretty full.  I usually write a lot on the weekends, but this year, I have more weekend commitments.  

Reasons I should do it anyway and things that may actually help me

1. Writing feeds my soul.  
2. I actually already have a vague idea about what I want to write.  World building and character development for the main characters is already done since I've already written about this world and characters before.  
3. I want to discover who Jenna becomes after the amazing, transformative experiences she was having when I wrote about her last.  
4. I learn through writing.  I figure things out through writing.  I process and understand through writing, and I have a lot to process and understand right now.  
5. No school November 8.  Extra writing time!
6. I don't work at all the last 4 days of the month.  With the exception of my workout, I can pretty much write non-stop.  I've done 10,000 word days before, so I could use these days to make up for all the other times I can't write.  

I guess the real question is, "How can I not take this time to write?"  I have to do this.  I don't know if I'll win (it won't be the end of the world if I don't) but I need to try.  

I just found this awesome quote that totally explains why:

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.
~Thomas Merton

This Introvert's Version of a Perfect Day Off

On Wednesday when I mentioned to someone that I was excited for the long weekend, he asked what my plans were.  I've had this conversation before, but the answer came more quickly and with more conviction this time.  And for the first time, I felt like I didn't have to justify it to anyone.  It is what I want and what I need.  How other people spend their free time is up to them.  My free time is mine.

I was excited for the weekend because for a period of about 37 hours, I would have no commitments to anyone else and nothing that had to be done at a certain time.  I sleep when I'm tired.  I eat when I'm hungry.  If I don't feel like getting dressed, I stay in my pajamas.  My life is not ruled by the clock and I can listen to what my body needs and wants.  I might go somewhere today, if I feel like it.  I might do some reading.  I might clean the house.

Right now, I'm blogging and enjoying the sunshine.

Finding Light and Hope: Elder Oaks tells us to stand for principles

Here's the latest installment of my series Finding Light and Hope where I share the things that I found beautiful about each of the talks from the October 2013 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

You can read Elder Oak's talk here, or watch below.



Here are my favorite parts:

• Our theology begins with heavenly parents, and our highest aspiration is to attain the fulness of eternal exaltation. 

• ...we are also conscious that God’s plan is for all of His children and that God loves all of His children, everywhere. The first chapter of the Book of Mormon declares that God’s “power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth” (1 Nephi 1:14). A later chapter declares that “he hath given [his salvation] free for all men” and that “all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden” (2 Nephi 26:27–28). Consequently, the scriptures teach that we are responsible to be compassionate and charitable (loving) toward all men

• A teaching of President Thomas S. Monson applies to this circumstance. At this conference 27 years ago, he boldly declared: “Let us have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval. Courage becomes a living and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully, but as the determination to live decently. A moral coward is one who is afraid to do what he thinks is right because others will disapprove or laugh. Remember that all men have their fears, but those who face their fears with dignity have courage as well."

Finding Light and Hope: President Uchtdorf's Invitation to All

This is the second in a series of posts about LDS General Conference.  You can read the first post here.

President Uchtdorf is always one of my favorite speakers.  The man radiates love.  You know he cares about people.  You can read the text of the talk here or watch below.



If I could only share one quote from this talk, it would be this one:

Brothers and sisters, dear friends, we need your unique talents and perspectives. The diversity of persons and peoples all around the globe is a strength of this Church.

Sometimes people both in and out of the church think that we all need to be exactly the same in order to find strength and unity.  The truth of the matter is that the strength comes from diversity.

Other favorite quotes:

In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restoredby a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves.5

Some struggle with unanswered questions about things that have been done or said in the past. We openly acknowledge that in nearly 200 yearsof Church history—along with an uninterrupted line of inspired, honorable, and divine events—there have been some things said and done that could cause people to question.

And, to be perfectly frank, there have been times when members or leaders in the Church have simply made mistakes. There may have been things said or done that were not in harmony with our values, principles,or doctrine.
I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes.

I Learn and Understand a Little Differently and That's OK

I am a person that succeeds very well in situations that require regurgitation of facts.  I can memorize lists.  I can diagram.  I can outline. I can plug numbers into a formula.  All that served me very well in my K-12 years that were mostly about getting the right answers on tests. Application of information and the ability to really understand it, connect with it, and grow from it is harder.  For many years, a belief that there was one right way for everything kept me banging me head against the wall. Everybody else was understanding and feeling something, so that must be the right way.  But I felt nothing.  If you're a fan of musical theatre, listen to this, which pretty much describes how I felt, not in acting classes like the song describes, but in church.  (Plus, Lea Salonga is awesome!) (Also, don't try to be too literal attaching everything in the song to what I'm talking about here.)



That "voice from down in the bottom of my soul" led me to the things that helped me to understand those things that intellectually were easy for me, but I had no connection to.

A few examples.

Trust and Surrender 

It's not uncommon to hear people talk about trusting the Lord or surrendering to his will.  We are taught to do what we can and the atonement will make up for the rest.  (More on the atonement later.) Trust and surrender are extremely difficult concepts for me.  You know where I finally understood and applied it?  Singing.  When I sing for church, I totally let go.  I've done what I can.  I just let the message work through me and trust that people will hear and feel what their souls need at that moment. Unfortunately, bringing into other areas of my life is harder, but at least I have a model now.  I know what I am working for.

Feeling the Spirit

I can't tell you how many church meetings I have been to where afterward people were talking about how strong the Spirit was in that meeting.  And I sat there thinking, "Really?  Where was I?"  Then a few years ago, I had an amazing experience and suddenly thought, "This is what they are talking about!"  But it wasn't at church.  It was at a World Tai Chi and Qigong Day celebration.  I was feeling love, and the incredible energy and presence of the people there.  Later, I wrote a poem, posted it on my blog,  and purposely left the situation that inspired it vague.  It could be about church, or it could be about singing (and sometimes does fit for me for singing), but it wasn't about either of those.  It was about that first day I felt it and feeling it again at other tai chi events.  

Mormons talk a lot about a "burning in the bosom" as a sign of the Holy Ghost testifying of a truth.  Driving home from an incredible qigong workshop, I was thinking about a comment the instructor had made about how at one point his qi had been so strong that it felt like it was burning.  I laughed out loud as I finally made the connection to the burning bosom thing.  Qi is energy, life force, and it is strongest when we are in harmony and at peace with ourselves and with all around us.  Isn't that truth?  Why can't feeling strong qi be the same thing as feeling the Spirit?  

Prayer

Let me take a moment to share some ways that prayer has been a problem for me.  First, all the formalities get in the way for me.  If this is supposed to be about building a relationship with Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, why does it have to be so formal?  Most people would answer that it is formal to show respect.  I get that, but for me the formalities put up a wall between me and God.  My need to do it the right way (because I always tried to do everything exactly as I was instructed) kept me from true, heart-felt prayer.  

Second, people say to imagine that you are talking to a friend on the phone.  Uh... No.  I hate the phone.  I much prefer to communicate in person or through writing.  

Third, my own messed up brain sometimes speaks louder than God.  When God calls you names that you can't print in a family friendly blog and follows that with, "Talk to me after you've done all the stuff your leaders already told you to do," you can be pretty sure that it isn't God speaking to you.  

So I've parted ways with the formulaic prayer--formal address, thank, ask, formal closing, listen--and I'm doing it my way.  And my spirituality is growing in leaps and bounds.  

One  solution--a meditation during a qigong class.  Seriously, these have been some of the most spiritual and the most powerful experiences of my life.  And it's all because of the words that our teacher chooses as she leads us through the mediation.  The funny thing is, I bought a video that my teacher's teacher produced, and when she gives instructions about the meditation, she actually uses the word "prayer" and I totally disconnect.  It is not anywhere near as beautiful an experience as when my teacher leads us through the Kwan Yin Closing.  In Chinese folklore, Kwan Yin is the goddess of compassion.  No, you don't need to panic.  I'm not praying to another god.  But I love the stories of Kwan Yin and what she represents.   And this movement/meditation carries her name.  It takes about 3-5 minutes, but could be longer or shorter depending on need.  Except for the voice of the teacher, it is all silent.  

These are the parts of the Kwan Yin Closing that have taught me about prayer.   

I love thanking the people that have helped me on my healing journey. Taking that moment to reflect on where I am and who helped me get here is very powerful.  (Yes, I know I've used that word about 5,000 times in this post, but it is the word that fits the best.)  There are a few people and certain event that come to mind every time I do this, but often, something new surfaces, something else or someone else that I need to be thankful for.  

We send love and healing energy to someone we know who is in need.  We visualize that person as fully capable of dealing with whatever it is they are facing.  

We send love and healing out to the world, allowing it to go where ever it is needed most.  

We release ourselves to be of service to the world.  I love that word "release".  It's not pledge. It's not commit.  It's not challenge.  It is release and it is incredibly freeing and motivating.  

We send healing energy to the earth itself.  

Atonement

This is a big one, the central one actually in Christian churches.  And yes, I do understand that none of us will ever fully comprehend it all, but I didn't get any of it.  My heart didn't understand why it was necessary.  I could write a book about what I have been taught about the atonement, but I just didn't get it.  Maybe I still don't, but I've come up with a new definition (again, inspired by my non-church learning) that works very well for me with where I am spiritually right now.  

Atonement is empathy across time and space (Jesus' taking on all the pains and sins of the world while in the Garden of Gethsemane) creating a oneness, a wholeness, and a unity which enables us to transform any sin, weakness, pain, or sorrow into something better and stronger. The Atonement is empathy and transformation. It's that simple. Christ understood a sacred principle and showed us how to apply it.

Repentance

Again, I could write a book with all that I know intellectually about this, but there is no soul connection.    For now, I'm happy with using an approach that works well with singing and tai chi.  I'm not perfect.  There will be things that I do that are not quite what I would like them to be. First, I acknowledge what it is that I am doing well.  Then with presence, intention, and compassion, I try again.  That's it.  That is as far as I'm going with the whole repentance thing.  

If my life is not what you think it should be, have patience.  I learn some things very quickly.  And sometimes, things that are easy for other people to learn are very difficult for me.  I may take longer than most, and I may approach life and learning from a completely different angle than you do, but it's OK.  I am exactly where I need to be right now, doing exactly what I need to do.  

Finding Light and Hope: Elder Holland Talks about Depression

With this post I begin a new series (that hopefully I'll actually continue) sharing moments of light and hope.  My friend Stephanie at diapersanddivinity.com shared this list of quotes from General Conference and inspired me to make my own.  

When I shared my idea with a few friends, someone pointed out Michael Otterson's quote in this article.

General Conference is not to be understood through sound bites, especially when people take a sentence here and there and try to justify their own political agendas. That reflects a very poor level of spiritual maturity.

To Bro. Otterson and others who may not approve of my list, I say this,

Sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of spiritual maturity to find the little nuggets of good, hope, and beauty and to not become weighed down by those things that hurt our hearts or don't sit well with us.  

Sister Camilla Kimball spoke of putting those difficult concepts on a shelf. At this point in my life, I'm choosing to focus on the good.  I'm not putting things on a shelf.  I'm just letting them go and looking for the things that feed my soul.  

I didn't get a chance to watch any of conference this year because I was busy having another incredible experience with my tai chi family.  (I'll try to write more about that later.)  Luckily, all the conference talks are posted both as videos and written transcripts, so I can catch up on my own time.  And since I can watch them in any order, I'm starting with the talk that received the most positive response from my friends.

You can read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk here or watch it now.



My spiritually immature favorite quote is this:

We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!

Another favorite sound bite:

Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost.

I especially appreciated these words to both those who suffer and those who help them. So often the message at church is "Do more." I love that he acknowledges that some times we need to do less and "be still."

When you face “depletion depression,” make the requisite adjustments. Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.

If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait.6

Thank you, Elder Holland for the talk that so many of us needed to hear and have been waiting far too long to hear.  

What were your favorite parts of this talk?