Growth, Change, and Transformation

Never pray for humility.  It pretty much guarantees that you will have many experiences that will humble you.  I've also learned that daring the Water Snake to bring it on, might also be just a bit of a mistake.  I was ready for change, and I'm embracing the transformation, but there has been a lot of it to deal with.

We are currently in the Chinese Year of the Water Snake.  I'm not a real fan of snakes, but as I explored the symbolism, I found things I loved and decided to embrace this year, the snake, and all it would bring into my life.  I thought I was ready for this.  I feel like I've handled the change well, but I never expected the growth and transformation to come in the ways that it has.

With the exception of a short, vague post in mid-April, I haven't had the time, energy, and focus to blog.  Here's a quick review (not necessarily in chronological order) of all that has happened in my life so far during the year of the Water Snake, (in addition to the regular stuff like voice lessons and tai chi classes).

• Russ Smiley died.  He was my tai chi teacher's mentor and a leader in the tai chi community.  I had my TCA training with him and was hoping to study more with him in the future.  
• My cousin was assaulted.  He survived, but is now dealing with the effects of a Traumatic Brain Injury.  His recovery will be a very long process.  
• Glenda Maurice, my voice teacher and mentor, died.  
• Barbara Kierig died.  We were not particularly close, but she was a part of the voice community and will be missed.  
• My massage therapist, who has been the most important member of my health care team, found out that she can no longer use the space she has been using.  I still don't know if she has found any other options, or if she will be retiring.  
• I spent two and a half amazing days studying Soaring Crane Qi Gong with Ralph Dehner.  The insights and nuggets of wisdom I picked up during the breaks and discussion time were as transforming for me as the actual work we did.  
• I adjudicated at two different Solo and Ensemble Contests and was able to share some of the newest things that I am incorporating in my own teaching.  
• I took my TCA 2 certification class and was able to work with Ileana Ferrier and Linda Arksey.  I hope to have opportunities to study with both of them in the future.  
• Because of changes in my teacher's schedule, I will be doing more substituting for tai chi classes starting in the fall, and I'll be a teaching assistant for all the classes as well.  
• We celebrated another World Tai Chi and Qigong Day.  Each year when I participate, I am reminded of how much I love this tai chi community.  They are my people.  I have found my home.  
• My writing is calling to me again.  And it can't wait until NaNoWriMo.  So much of this story  parallels my own journey.  I couldn't revise it 10 years ago because I didn't know the things I needed to know to complete the story.  Each year I learn more and the pieces fall into place.  There are stories begging to be written, and the old stories are asking for revision and editing and maybe even sharing them with the world.  I'm currently re-reading the 10 related novels and short stories and the real work will begin shortly.  
• I'm presenting 2 different sessions at the MMTA Convention in June.  The first one is technology.  (Don't laugh.)  Actually, I'm leading a discussion about Music Teacher's Helper.  And I asked that it be very clear about that in the description.  I'm not spouting knowledge.  I'm facilitating sharing.  The second sessions is about using tai chi and qigong in the voice studio and I'm super excited about that one.  My study of tai chi and qigong has changed the way I teach and work with my voice students.  

All this since February.  What more will be revealed this year?  I don't really know, but for once, I feel confident that I am growing and transforming in just that ways that I need to and that I can handle whatever happens.  

Random Thoughts

Life has been life, and I have not had the time to really gather my thoughts for a coherent post lately.  But there are things I need to write, so I'm doing it today, even if it doesn't make much sense to anyone else.

Item 1
Yesterday I was listening to this and realized that except for the part about being in love with someone, it is exactly how I have felt about my life the last few weeks.

It has been a time of growth and awareness and amazing insights which hopefully I will have time to share more of later.

Item 2
For most of my life, I've been the exception to the rule.  I gained 100 pounds on a drug that has a side effect of anorexia.  I learn some things extremely quickly, and other things that seem simple to most people I struggle with.  I have to find how to make things make sense to me.  I had the thought the other day that I in certain aspects of my life, I am expected to be fine with getting the milk before the meat.  That is fine.  It makes sense.  But I think people have been trying to give me cow's milk when I was lactose intolerant.  Once I switched to almond, soy, or rice, the milk was fine, in fact, it was glorious.  In other words, I figured a few things out this week that I have struggled with my entire life, because people used language and images that makes sense to me.

How Firm a Foundation

It's been one of my favorite hymns for a long time, and I wrote about "How Firm a Foundation" in a post not too long ago.  You can read that here.  But it's been in my mind a lot lately, and new ideas keep surfacing.  It is time to write again.

I believe that a spirituality that is not constantly evolving, is in the process of dying.  One of the best ways for me to keep growing is to keep searching, looking beyond the things right in front of me to find other ways of viewing the world.  As I explore what's out there, I find a deeper, more meaningful approach to the things I have always known.

***WARNING:  This post is about things that may make you uncomfortable or that may even directly contradict your beliefs.  This is not about me trying to convince you.  It is about me stating what I have found and what speaks to me.

Although some sources point to Robert Keen as the author of this text, we don't really know for sure since when it was first published, in the space for the author's name there was simply a "K".  What we do know is that for a couple hundred years, this text, sung to various tunes has provided strength, solace, and encouragement to numerous people.

I remember one evening a few years ago when it spoke to me.  I was stressed and tired, and entered the church late after a long day of recitals at school.  My body hurt, but I wanted to be there.  To be honest, I don't remember any thing from that service, except for this song.  You can read all the verses here.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand...As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.  

That was what I needed to hear at that moment.

I've performed this song for three different church meetings in the last year, and each time it calls to me, asking me to dig deeper, to see more, to feel more.  In the post referenced earlier, I talked about how the song was no longer just about someone giving me aid, but how I can act, how I can be the one who is there to lift and strengthen.  And then someone asked us to share examples of how we see Heavenly Mother, or the Feminine Divine, in the everyday.  And suddenly, I saw her in this song.  Yes, these things can all be attributes of a male deity too, but I see and feel something different when I bring the feminine to this song.

The word "foundation" made me think of solid grounding on the earth.  Earth and nature are associated with the Feminine Divine.  She is also there grounding us because of our faith in Jesus Christ.

Succor.  Aid.  Relief.  Comfort.  Those are words that speak to me of a Heavenly Mother.  Succor literally means running under.  I love the image of a mother lifting a child to carry it through the dangers, "upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand".

Water and Fire.  Both life giving and potentially dangerous. We tend to read these verses more towards the danger, but I think they are also about the life-giving of our Heavenly Parents.  I see these two middle verses as the marriage of our Heavenly Parents and how they individually and collectively go about helping us reach our fullest potential.  In many traditions, water is feminine.  Water often symbolizes intuition, emotions, and the unconscious.  We have to go deep into the water (your body is mostly water), into ourselves, to find who we really are, to find our essence, our souls.  She will make the journey sacred.  She is there waiting for us. The fire is masculine, and I tend to think of it as outward refinement.  Heavenly Father won't let us be destroyed by it, but we can be purified by those things that happen to us, that come at us from the outside through no fault of our own.

The sixth verse speaks of an image that we have come to associate with Jesus Christ, that of carrying the lamb.  What I find so beautiful about this is that the image itself is full of symbols of the feminine, showing that Christ embodies the best of what we tend to think of as masculine and feminine qualities.  The lamb, a tiny helpless newborn.  The bosom, a place of safety, nourishment, peace.  Borne, carried, transported, but also the past tense of bear which means to give birth to. This verse speaks of Christ, but I cannot read it without also thinking of my Heavenly Mother.

In the seventh and final verse, I see Christ, my Heavenly Father, and my Heavenly Mother, but especially my Heavenly Mother.  I kind of see Mother Bear in this verse.  She is protective.  It is who she is.  It is what she does.  She's never going to walk away.

Is this what most people think of when they sing this hymn?  Probably not, but it's where I am today.  "How Firm a Foundation" is a call to me to be there for others that need lifting up.  It is a reminder of people, real people, that I can turn to when I feel too burdened to go on.  It is message from my Heavenly Mother reminding me that she too is there for me and always will be.

Making a difference

Sometimes you feel like you are just banging your head against the wall, accomplishing nothing, but causing more pain and frustration for yourself. Sometimes it's church. Sometimes it's work. Sometimes it's relationships. Sometimes it's the world.

But then there are those little moments that give us hope. A thank you when you least expect it. Words that give you insights, spoken by someone that doesn't even know what you are experiencing. A small success after a long battle.

Today, I found two reminders that our voices can make a difference.  First, this news from a group of women who would not stop asking for what they needed.

Then I read this beautiful post by a woman who was reminded of why she does what she does.

Who you are and what you do makes a difference!

 

Fibro fog and other frustrations

Life with fibromyalgia.  Basically, there are 4 types of days that I have as I live with this condition.

1.  Days when both my body and brain refuse to work correctly.  I'm tired, I hurt, and I can't think clearly.  I know I'm in trouble when I can't even focus enough to read a book.  Teaching is a battle.  I can do it, but it takes so much energy to stay focused through the fog that I just come home and crash.
2.  Days when my body wants to work, but my brain doesn't.
3.  Days when my brain is on fire, but my body can't keep up with all the brain wants to do.
4.  Those oh so rare days when my brain and my body both function well.

Sometimes I cycle through these and sometimes they just occur in any random order.  For more than a week, I've been struggling with both mind and body.  But then I gave myself 12 hours of sleep on Friday night, and by Sunday morning (actually really late Saturday night), my body wanted to work.  I actually accomplished more around the house than I have in a long time.  Now my brain is trying to wake up too.  There are glimpses of clarity.  Is it too much to hope that I'm moving into one of those times when I can think and do the things I want to?

13 Baby Steps for 2013

If you were in my house today, you could go into my kitchen and see New Year's Resolutions posted on my fridge.  I put them there so I could remember them and focus on them.  Sadly, it's the list from 2010.  The good news is that I am making progress on those goals.  I'm just moving very slowly.  I'm leaving it up for this year too because I think that I need reminders of many of those same things.  You can see the list here.  

This year is all about baby steps--setting small goals that move me towards where I want to be, and being happy with those baby steps.  That's not easy.  I'm smart, talented, determined, and impatient.  I want to be good right now.  But years of living with fibromyalgia have taught me that I don't really get to decide what I can do each day.  Sometimes my body decides for me and it is all I can do to go to work and go to a drive-through window to get something for dinner.  

So since I'm continuing my 2010 resolutions, instead of new resolutions, I have 13 Baby Steps that I will take this year.  Ideally these would be daily things, but part of working with baby steps is understanding that they may not be steady and consistent, but they are moving, and that it what is important.  The amount of time spent on these doesn't matter either.  

1.  Do one thing each day towards keeping the house cleaner.  This can be as small as putting my dishes in the dishwasher.  

2.  Check the mail more often.  

3.  Smile at someone for no reason at least once a day.  

4.  Read.

5.  Sing.  

6.  Listen.  

7.  Play.  

8.  Write.  

9.  Meditate.  

10.  Breathe.  With intent.  

11.  Move.  

12.  Connect.  

13.  Feel joy.  

Simple.  Small.  Purposeful.  I may not accomplish anything grand this year, but I hope to spend more time in self-care, more time nurturing the things that bring peace to my life, and more time sharing that with others.  

By the way, 13 is my lucky number so you can expect to see lots of 13 themed posts this year.  

Perspective

"How Firm a Foundation" is one of my favorite hymns.  For years, it has given me comfort and encouragement, reminding me that I have someone in my corner.  Many of the verses are clearly from God's perspective.

Fear not, I am with thee;  oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.  

Recently I've been thinking about how we are God's hands here on earth.  We are the ones that do his work.  When each of the "I" statements becomes about me personally, rather than just God watching out for me, it reminds me of my responsibility to reach out to others, to be the aid that they need.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand

And it isn't just about about helping others.  It's about standing with them, mourning with them, bearing their burdens.

For I will be with thee,

It's about holding them near, caring for them, lifting them up.

Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.  

The final stanza is a beautiful promise that God will never forsake us.  It's also a reminder of the kind of person I want to be--the person that never turns away one in need.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake.
 

Click here to read all 7 verses.