2014 The Year in Review

I wrote, but never published a 2014 resolutions blog.  I just never found something that I was really happy with.  Since my 2010 New Year's Resolutions are still on my refrigerator and mostly unfinished, I decided to do a year in review post before I try to write this year's resolutions post.  A lot has happened this year, not all of it good, but I'm really happy with the place I am in right now.

I was originally going to post important events in chronological order, but the more I reviewed the year, the more it made sense to cover major topics rather than individual events.

Current Events

As I mentioned earlier, in many ways it was difficult year. Very real injustices threatened the peace and happiness of people I cared about.  My heart broke as I read story after story about racism, suicide, poverty, homelessness, sexism, and the inequalities of the current immigration system.  My heart broke again as I watched people I thought I knew say and do things that made the other side the enemy.  But in 2014, I also decided that I could no longer be quiet.  My personal blogs became much more about the issues that filled my new feed.  I still couldn't really talk about those things or take action like I wanted to, but by writing, I was no longer silent.  It was the first step in making a difference.

Blogging

I didn't write many blog posts this year, and my book and voice blogs were neglected, but the blog posts I did write were longer, more heartfelt, and I shared them with many more people.  I was also invited to join the Exploring Sainthood blog team where you can read a post from me about once a month.  It's been a little scary.  Writing my own blog is basically publishing my journal.  Writing for a group blog puts the pressure on.  It needs to be about something that others will want to read about.  It's a challenge, but one that I'm really looking forward to.  My next post goes up on Friday.  I think it is the best one so far. I hope you like it too.

Photography

There was pain this year, but there was also beauty.  In the spring I went a little nuts with all the flower pictures.  I seriously would just be driving down the street and pull over to take pictures of the flowers or trees that I saw.  You can see some of them here.  For the record, I have absolutely no qualifications as a photographer.  I just see pretty things and try to take decent pictures with my iPhone 3GS.  Don't laugh.

Reading

I haven't been a great reader this year (other than news, FB, and blogs), but I have read some amazing books.  You can read some reviews on my book blog. Not all the books I read this year were reviewed or even listed on the blog, but you can see a little of what I've been reading.  Over Winter Break, I finished reading Healing the Heart of Democracy by Parker J. Palmer.  I haven't blogged about it yet, but it is a must read.  I loved it.  The only thing I didn't love is that I read a library copy so I couldn't highlight things and write in the margins.  I finished reading Inferno by Dan Brown on the plane ride home, and just started Anne Lammott's Small Victories.  I hope to finish that today.  Other highly recommended books from this year are Making Music and Enriching Lives, Faith, The Good Heart:  A Buddhist Perspective on the Teachings of Jesus, and Crucible of Doubt. You'll also find these titles in the current reading pile:  The Private Voice Studio Handbook (new edition, plus I'd like to re-read the old edition and compare), the Tao Te Ching (several translations including this one), and various essays and poems.  Plus, I have 2 books waiting for me at the library and 3 more on order.  I'm definitely getting back to reading in 2015.

NaNoWriMo

I did participate in NaNoWriMo in November, but decided to do it as a rebel, which basically means I did something other than write one piece of fiction that was 50,000 or more.  For the last several years, I've had to do most of my writing on the weekends, but this year I knew that my first 3 weekends of the month were full of music and tai chi events.  I decided to count everything I wrote:  blogs, long Facebook posts, and continuing the story I've been working on for a couple of years now.  I did most of my 20,000 words over Thanksgiving Break.  I didn't make 50,000 word goal this year, but I moved the story forward and I did a lot of other writing. Someday, I'll actually finish these novels and publish them, but don't hold your breath.  There are details of the plot of the early books that I haven't quite figured out yet, but each year I live in that world, I learn more and the details come together more.  In fact, just last week, I learned that the number 8 represents rebirth, resurrection, or a new beginning. That ties perfectly into the part of Holly 2 (don't I have exciting titles) that I couldn't figure out before.

Lost Things

After a big event this fall at school, I discovered that my phone, my debit card, and my credit card were missing.  Nothing else was missing from my purse, but it seemed very strange that those 3 things had disappeared at the same time.  I'm famous for misplacing things, so I didn't panic right away. I looked at home.  I looked at school.  I looked in my car.  Then I panicked. The good news is that I got to meet the new police officer at the school when I went in to see if anyone had turned anything in.  He was very helpful and introduced me to Find My iPhone.  It didn't help me find it, because it showed that it was still at school, but I did learn that you can have your lost phone make a sound (which didn't work for me because the battery was dead), you can leave a message on the screen in case someone finds it (again, no good with a dead battery), and you can lock people out of the phone.  That was really helpful.  I also learned how to suspend my cell phone service, and I canceled those cards and requested new ones.  Then I found the phone and cards under the seat of my car.  I thought I had looked there, but apparently, I didn't feel just the right spot under the seat.  It was a good learning experience, but not one that I hope to repeat.

Other losses

June was a hard month.  In early June, feminist and questioning Mormons received a blow when Kate Kelly and John Dehlin release the information that they were facing church courts and possible excommunication. Coming, as it it did, on the heels of the Utah same-sex marriage nightmare, it hit me harder than I expected it to.  I recovered a little, only to be hurt again when Kate actually was excommunicated later in the month. Comments from members and from the church PR team hurt more than helped.  I decided I needed to step away for a little bit to let my wounds heal. I emailed my bishop about my decision and he wanted to meet with me to discuss it.  I agreed, and we set up a time.

Then I got the news that my friend Elizabeth Bossard had died suddenly.  I didn't really have the money to go to the funeral, but she was family.  I had to go.  And I needed the closure and the healing.  Going home for the funeral reminded me of the Power of One, that love knows no boundaries of time or space, and that those we disagree with at times can still be wonderful sources of strength.

Voice Teaching Stuff

Now that my two primary teachers and mentors (Elizabeth and Glenda) are gone, it's my turn to continue the legacy. I began to really own what I believe about the teaching of singing.  I'm certainly not a carbon copy of either of them, but I've taken the best things and made them my own.  I spend every summer planning and revising materials and becoming a better teacher.  I owe it to them.  I owe it to my students.  And I owe it to me.

One of the new things for my studio this year is the Practice Challenge.  Not many students have participate, and I haven't done as well at promoting it as I had hoped to, but I'm going to keep it, with some revisions for the future.

I'm also more involved in professional organizations.  I'm on the MN-NATS Music Theater auditions Committee and we ran our first online auditions in February.  I learned a lot and hopefully my students will be better prepared for this year.  I also offered the MMTA Voice Exams for the first year.  I only had one student participate, but he did level 3 and passed. Yay!  I love the MMTA education programs, but I'm not sure how well they fit the goals of most of my students.  It's still just a very small number that are participating.  I need to rethink it a little and decide if the benefits are worth the time and energy that I have to put into the organization as a volunteer.  I said no to another position this year, but continue as the co-chair of the Twin Cities Vocal and Instrumental Preliminary Contest.

I presented again at the MMTA convention in June 2014.  My session was on sight-reading, and I've been asked to do a modified version of it for a local association next month.  In preparation for the session, I learned how to use Finale and Power Point.  I've also been asked to repeat my "Tai Chi and Singing" session at the 2015 convention.  Plus, I get to give my Foundations of Singing workshop that I've only done a couple of times, but love.  I have a lot of planning and work to do on those in the next few months.

Tai Chi

This has been a big year for tai chi.  I've been a teaching assistant for my teacher for a few years now, but as her schedule expanded this fall, so did mine.  Other people who had planned to be teaching assistants were unable to do so, so I picked up an extra evening of class.  When classes resume in Feburary, I'll be the teaching assistant for classes on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. That's a lot of tai chi.  She understands my limits because of my full time job and health, so I don't have to be to every class every week if it gets to be too much.  I appreciate that.  I'm just going to see what happens.  If I feel well enough to do tai chi, the classes actually help me feel even better.  They also help me deal with stress in more positive ways.

I received a scholarship to attend Dr. Lam's weeklong workshop in June 2015.  I'm also going the weekend before for another teacher training workshop.  It will be wonderful, but exhausting, so I'm planning my next several months very carefully so that I can be in the best shape possible, mentally and physically.

I've also started doing tai chi workshops and demonstrations.  I was invited to talk to a stroke support group earlier this year and had a great time with them.  As I mentioned earlier, I've been invited to give my "Tai Chi and Singing" workshop again at MMTA Convention.  Plus I'll be doing a Seated Tai Chi break-out session at our World Tai Chi and Qigong Day Celebration.  WTCQD is celebrated all over the world, and I'll be at the event organized by local Tai Chi for Health teachers.  Everyone is invited, so watch my Facebook page for announcements about the event.

I'm working towards becoming a senior trainer for the Tai Chi for Health Institute.  There are still several requirements to fill, but by the end of 2015, I should be much closer to this goal.  In the meantime, there is a lot of work to be done.  I start teaching my own Beginning Sun Style Tai Chi class  in January, and in June, I hope to bring a brand new program to the Twin Cities:  Tai Chi for Rehabilitation.  As a senior trainer wanna be, I also get to help with organizing our World Tai Chi and Qigong Day in April, Tai Chi for Arthritis trainings and updates in May and November, monthly Skill Builder workshops, summer depth workshops, and a possible repeat of our fundraiser for Apparent Plan.  Our November fundraiser was a big success and a great community builder and we're hoping to continue with that.  I was the Bake Sale chair and now that I've already discovered all the possible problems, it should be easier next time around.

Health

Some thing related to health have been pretty good this year.  Although I've gone off it a few times, I'm finding that a gluten-free diet helps me to feel a lot better.  Lots of tai chi classes, plus workouts at the gym a couple of times a week help keep me moving and prevent lymph congestion (which can be quite painful).  I'm not doing the detox referred to in this article, but the rest of the information is good if you want to know more about what I deal with. Reducing stress and gluten, and exercising more has made my life much better.  I know that I also am sensitive to chocolate, sugar, and milk.  I had reduced my usage of all of those quite a bit, but then the stress and grief hit and I coped by eating.  Ben and Jerry's made a lot of money from my purchases this year.

I got sick in August and didn't really get better until early November.  Part of it was asthma related, but it was also stress and anxiety related.  In total I had one Emergency Room visit, and four doctor appointments.  Luckily, the really expensive meds helped me meet my deductible, so most of the doctor visits were covered by my insurance and I only had to pay 20%.  Still, seeing the amounts due on my doctor bills was enough to increase my anxiety level.  We increased one of my current meds that helps with anxiety, I'm doing more tai chi and deep breathing exercises, I'm now taking Zantac as needed for stomach acid issues, and I have a few Ativan for emergencies (but those emergencies can only be when I don't have to drive or form coherent thoughts.)  I'm doing better and I have my healthy coping strategies ready for whatever 2015 brings my way.

Church and Spirituality

Pope Francis gave me many moments of holy envy this year.  What an incredible human being!

I'm picking up little bits and pieces of truth and light from many different sources. And I'm seeing beauty again, even with all the turmoil in the world.  

As I mentioned here and here, I've been attending Unity Church-Unitarian since September.  For the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually want to go to church.  The words inspire and challenge me.  The music is amazing.  The people and the architecture make me feel safe and warm.  

I don't know if this is a long-term change for me or not.  I've decided to attend until summer and see where it leads me.  Right now, I know that it is where I need to be.  The experiences I'm having there are helping me to reframe a lot of issues.  I'm a better person after services there, and the world is a more beautiful place.  I've been back to my LDS ward a few time, and I may go a few more over the next several months.  We'll see what happens.  The important thing is that I'm not trying to hide anything anymore.  I think that was part of what caused the anxiety and health issues.  I wasn't really hiding or denying anything, but I  didn't know how to talk to people about where I was and what I was experiencing.  Even with my blogs, there was this fog I couldn't get through because I didn't want to hurt anyone.  But I was hurting me.

Moving Forward

This year, I shared a lot of music, poetry, and other words that inspired me. Now as the year ends, I think these best sum up where I am and where I am headed.

The words are fairly easy to understand in the video, but if you want to read them, you can find them here.



Invocation / Benediction by Joanna Brooks

Father, Mother, help me piece together the contradictions of my life:
White cotton, red satin, brown polka dot; torn Sunday dress, Navajo rug, frayed baby blanket.
Make me insistent on every lonely shred, willing to sacrifice no one.
Where there is no pattern, God, give me courage to organize a fearsome beauty.
Where there is unraveling, let me draw broad blanket stitches of sturdy blue yarn. 

Mother, Father, give me vision.
Give me strength to work hours past my daughters’ bedtime.
Give me an incandescent all-night garage with a quorum of thimble-thumbed
grandmothers sitting on borrowed folding chairs.
We will gather all the lost scraps and stitch them together;
A quilt big enough to warm all our generations: all the lost, found, rich, poor, good, bad, in, out, old, new, country, city, dusty, shiny ones;
A quilt big enough to cover all the alfalfa fields in the Great Basin.
Bigger. We are piecing together a quilt with no edges.
God, make me brave enough to love my people.
How wonderful it is to have a people to love.

Manifesto: Let us be Women who Love 

Let us be women who Love. Let us be women willing to lay down our sword words, our sharp looks, our ignorant silence and towering stance and fill the earth now with extravagant Love.

Let us be women who Love.Let us be women who make room.
Let us be women who open our arms and invite others into an honest, spacious, glorious embrace.

Let us be women who carry each other.Let us be women who give from what we have.
Let us be women who leap to do the difficult things, the unexpected things and the necessary things.
Let us be women who live for Peace.
Let us be women who breathe Hope.
Let us be women who create beauty.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us be a sanctuary where God may dwell.Let us be a garden for tender souls.
Let us be a table where others may feast on the goodness of God.
Let us be a womb for Life to grow.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us rise to the questions of our time.Let us speak to the injustices in our world.
Let us move the mountains of fear and intimidation.
Let us shout down the walls that separate and divide.
Let us fill the earth with the fragrance of Love.
Let us be women who Love.
Let us listen for those who have been silenced.Let us honour those who have been devalued.
Let us say, Enough! with abuse, abandonment, diminishing and hiding.
Let us not rest until every person is free and equal.
Let us be women who Love.
Let us be women who are savvy, smart and wise.Let us be women who shine with the light of God in us.
Let us be women who take courage and sing the song in our hearts.
Let us be women who say, Yes to the beautiful, unique purpose seeded in our souls.
Let us be women who call out the song in another’s heart.
Let us be women who teach our children to do the same.
Let us be women who Love.
Let us be women who Love, in spite of fear.Let us be women who Love, in spite of our stories.
Let us be women who Love loudly, beautifully, Divinely.
Let us be women who Love.

And lastly, this from Joyce DiDonato's Commencement Address at Juilliard:

The world needs you. Now, the world may not exactly realize it, but wow, does it need you. It is yearning, starving, dying for you and your healing offer of service through your Art. We need you to help us understand that which is bigger than ourselves, so that we can stop feeling so small, so isolated, so helpless that, in our fear, we stop contributing that which is unique to us: that distinct, rare, individual quality which the world is desperately crying out for and eagerly awaiting. We need you to remind us what unbridled, unfiltered, childlike exuberance feels like, so we remember, without apology or disclaimer, to laugh, to play, to FLY and to stop taking EVERYTHING so damn seriously. We need you to remind us what empathy is by taking us deep into the hearts of those who are, God forbid, different than us – so that we can recapture the hope of not only living in peace with each other, but THRIVING together in a vibrant way where each of us grows in wonder and joy. We need you to make us feel an integral PART of a shared existence through the communal, universal, forgiving language of music, of dance, of poetry and Art – so that we never lose sight of the fact that we are all in this together and that we are all deserving of a life that overflows with immense possibility, improbable beauty and relentless truth.

Happy New Year!  2015 is going to be a great one!

Stress and Anxiety

Yesterday, my racing and pounding heart, nausea, and dizziness were joined by chest pains.  I was about 90% sure that it was just anxiety joining the party that my fibromyalgia started, but 2 friends recently had heart attacks (one fatal), 2 other friends recently were dealing with atrial fibrillation, and I kept thinking of a friend who had his heart attack in his 40's, so just to be safe, I went to the ER to have it checked out.

EKG, blood work, and x-rays of the lungs looked good, so the doctor sent me home with a prescription for Ativan and some information to read about dealing with stress.  Dealing with an anxiety attack is not something new. I've had friends and family deal with it, and I do deal with anxiety regularly, but this is the first time it has been this severe.  I laughed as I read the material, because it was definitely what I've been dealing with. And then, I decided that since I work out so much through writing, that maybe writing a little about this will help reduce the anxiety.  And maybe it won't, but at least I'll know I shared the stress with people who care and I didn't keep it all bottled up inside.

So here it is.  I'll start each section with a quote from the reading materials and then I'll fill you in on how that fits my life.

1) Try to locate the sources of stress in your life.  That may not be obvious!  These may include:

--Daily hassles of life which pile up (traffic jams, missed appointment, car troubles, etc.)

Actually, the sources of stress in my life are pretty obvious, at least to me. Here are some of the recent daily hassles:

1. With the exception of the entryway and stairs (cleaned by a wonderful friend this week), my house is a total disaster.  It's never as clean as I'd like, but with being sick and stressed for 2 months, it's worse than usual.  I basically have the time and energy to add to the mess, but not to do much of anything about it.  Keeping the laundry, dishes, and garbage somewhat under control is the best I can expect, and I don't always get that done. Dust (which causes more breathing problems) is completely out of control.  
2. Money.  Too many expenses and not enough income.  Enough said.  Most of you probably understand this.  I'm just hoping that getting the ER bill doesn't send me back there again!
3. I forgot a credit card payment (just got busy and forgot I hadn't paid it) until a transaction was denied.  Awkward.  
4. Students aren't ready for NATS.  
5. I'm trying to get involved in more MMTA education programs, but I messed up multiple things in getting a student enrolled in the voice exams.  
6. Lots of students still haven't paid me, but I haven't had the time and energy to run invoices and get them sent so I can get paid.  
7. If I push myself too hard, a fibromyalgia flare up reminds me that I can't do that. Basically, I've been living with a flare since August.  

All that is pretty normal, everyday stuff I deal with all the time.  

--Major life changes, both good (new baby, job promotion) and bad (loss of job, loss of loved one.)

This is a big one.  

1. My friend and mentor died this summer.  Besides feeling the loss, I'm also feeling the need to step up.  Both of the voice teachers that had the biggest influence on me are both gone now and it's my turn to carry on the legacy.  
2. I'm not leaving teaching voice, but I am starting a new career (which isn't paying much at this point, other than joy and health).  Situations have changed, enabling me to take more of a leadership role in our local tai chi community, and within a year or two, I may be able to make that role more official.  That's great, but it definitely adds some stress.  
3. Recent events have caused me to more closely examine my spiritual life.  There are some big decisions that need to be made, and it's difficult to talk to most people about these.  And not talking feels like not being open and truthful, which feels like a violation of my integrity.  I've found a church that feels like home and that helps me see things in a different light.  I'm not sure that I am ready to leave my old church or that I even want to, but I'm not sure how long I can walk in both worlds.  
4. I've been asked to join a blog team (Yay!) and I've been asked to submit a guest blog for another group that is doing a series and they value my perspective on this topic.  I'm really excited for both opportunities, but it's one more thing on my plate.  Plus, as you can tell, my own blogs tend to be more vomiting feelings and I'd like these to be slightly higher quality. 

--Overload: feeling that you have too many responsibilities and can't take care of all of them at once.

1. See all of the above.  
2. I'm trying to be more involved in MMTA programs, but they need people to run the programs and I don't feel like I can take on anymore.  At the very least, I should be volunteering for every event I enter students in.  I also don't feel like I can run a program when I'm still messing up getting my first student enrolled for it.  
3. We have a Tai Chi Down Under Fundraiser on Nov. 2.  It will be awesome, but I will be stressed until it's over.  By the way, if you want to make some food for the bake sale or work at the bake sale tables that day, let me know.  We need all the help we can get.  
4. I have this great website system that also helps me with scheduling and bookkeeping for the studio, but it still requires a lot of work to get all the data entered.  And I am always behind. 

--Feeling helpless, feeling that your problems are beyond what you're able to solve.  

Believe it or not, this one is not a major issue right now.  I will get through this.  I know that.  The quality of my work might not be what I want, but the world will not come to an end because of it.  In that, at least, I think I've come a long way in the last several years.  

2) Notice how your body reacts to stress.  Learn to listen to your body signals.  This will help you take action before the stress becomes severe.

This one just makes me laugh.  I know the signals.  And I also know a lot about how to cope with them.  But I can't exactly stop a lesson or a class and make people wait while I do 30 minutes of deep breathing and meditation.  I'm trying to work it in at other times and do quick fixes between lessons, but sometimes you just have to push through, or take a day and a half off work like I did this week, which only moves the stress to a later date when I have to make all of that up.  

I'm also exercising at least 5 days a week (3 days of 2 hours of tai chi and qigong, 2 days circuit training and walking for a total of 45-60 minutes).  That physical activity really does help, especially when I'm not too exhausted to move.  

I now also have Ativan to treat the anxiety, but that basically means sleeping (or at least no driving and anything else needing clear thinking for 6-8 hours.)  Again, not a great solution for when I feel stress or anxiety at work.  

3)When you can, do something about the source of your stress.  (Avoid hassles, limit the amount of change that happens in your life at one time and take a break when you feel overloaded.)

Laughing.  Again.  Until I win Powerball, most of these stresses won't go away.  

4) Unfortunately many stressful situation cannot be avoided.  It is necessary to learn HOW TO MANAGE STRESS better. There are many proven methods that will reduce your anxiety. These include simple things like exercise, good nutrition and adequate rest.  Also there are certain techniques that are helpful:  relaxation and breathing exercises, visualization, biofeedback, and meditation.  For more information about this, consult your doctor or go to a local bookstore and review the many books and tapes available on this subject.  

1. Thank you for admitting that we can't avoid all stress.  
2. I love how "HOW TO MANAGE STRESS" is all capital letters like they are yelling at me.  
3. See above for exercise I do.  
4. Nutrition does make a difference.  Food sensitivities add to stress. I'm pretty much gluten free now and since I think I also have sensitivities to dairy, chocolate, and sugar, I'm also working to minimize, and hopefully eventually eliminate, those.
5. I'm the queen of anti-stress breathing and relaxation techniques. I have a few visualization exercises that work well.  I've done biofeedback, and I'm exploring different kinds of meditation.  
6. I probably know more about anxiety than my doctor.  
7. I probably need to get back to regular counseling appointments, but I don't know how to fit that into my schedule and my budget (Ha! Ha!) right now without adding more stress.  
8. I already own a bunch of related books.  
9. Going to the bookstore means spending money, which causes stress.  I may explore some more things from the library.  Due dates and late fees are less stress than not having money for bills because I spent it at the bookstore.  

So…that's my anxiety story.  I don't expect the things that cause stress to change anytime in the near future, but hopefully I'll continue to get better with how I deal with them.  

NaNoWriMo 2013??????

I'm trying to make up my mind about whether or not I can really do NaNoWriMo this year. If I decide I can, do I push for a win (50,000 words) or just be happy that I took the time to write anything?

Reasons that NaNoWriMo will be hard this year

1. I have full time job teaching voice lessons.  I enjoy them, but they require a lot of energy and mental focus.  
2. 4 hours of tai chi classes and a one hour qigong class every week.  Sometimes I'm the teacher, sometimes the teaching assistant, and sometimes, I get to just be a student.  
3. Working with my personal trainer twice a week.  
4. NATS Student Adjudications the first weekend of the month will suck up most of my writing time for that weekend.  
5. An extra qigong workshop on the second Saturday means that it is pretty much a tai chi/qigong day and I won't get much writing in.  
6. Third weekend of the month starts with a Thursday workshop I'm giving.  Then on Friday I've committed to  go to a student's performance.  Saturday is an update for my tai chi certification.  

Summary, my days and evenings during the week are already pretty full.  I usually write a lot on the weekends, but this year, I have more weekend commitments.  

Reasons I should do it anyway and things that may actually help me

1. Writing feeds my soul.  
2. I actually already have a vague idea about what I want to write.  World building and character development for the main characters is already done since I've already written about this world and characters before.  
3. I want to discover who Jenna becomes after the amazing, transformative experiences she was having when I wrote about her last.  
4. I learn through writing.  I figure things out through writing.  I process and understand through writing, and I have a lot to process and understand right now.  
5. No school November 8.  Extra writing time!
6. I don't work at all the last 4 days of the month.  With the exception of my workout, I can pretty much write non-stop.  I've done 10,000 word days before, so I could use these days to make up for all the other times I can't write.  

I guess the real question is, "How can I not take this time to write?"  I have to do this.  I don't know if I'll win (it won't be the end of the world if I don't) but I need to try.  

I just found this awesome quote that totally explains why:

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.
~Thomas Merton

I Learn and Understand a Little Differently and That's OK

I am a person that succeeds very well in situations that require regurgitation of facts.  I can memorize lists.  I can diagram.  I can outline. I can plug numbers into a formula.  All that served me very well in my K-12 years that were mostly about getting the right answers on tests. Application of information and the ability to really understand it, connect with it, and grow from it is harder.  For many years, a belief that there was one right way for everything kept me banging me head against the wall. Everybody else was understanding and feeling something, so that must be the right way.  But I felt nothing.  If you're a fan of musical theatre, listen to this, which pretty much describes how I felt, not in acting classes like the song describes, but in church.  (Plus, Lea Salonga is awesome!) (Also, don't try to be too literal attaching everything in the song to what I'm talking about here.)



That "voice from down in the bottom of my soul" led me to the things that helped me to understand those things that intellectually were easy for me, but I had no connection to.

A few examples.

Trust and Surrender 

It's not uncommon to hear people talk about trusting the Lord or surrendering to his will.  We are taught to do what we can and the atonement will make up for the rest.  (More on the atonement later.) Trust and surrender are extremely difficult concepts for me.  You know where I finally understood and applied it?  Singing.  When I sing for church, I totally let go.  I've done what I can.  I just let the message work through me and trust that people will hear and feel what their souls need at that moment. Unfortunately, bringing into other areas of my life is harder, but at least I have a model now.  I know what I am working for.

Feeling the Spirit

I can't tell you how many church meetings I have been to where afterward people were talking about how strong the Spirit was in that meeting.  And I sat there thinking, "Really?  Where was I?"  Then a few years ago, I had an amazing experience and suddenly thought, "This is what they are talking about!"  But it wasn't at church.  It was at a World Tai Chi and Qigong Day celebration.  I was feeling love, and the incredible energy and presence of the people there.  Later, I wrote a poem, posted it on my blog,  and purposely left the situation that inspired it vague.  It could be about church, or it could be about singing (and sometimes does fit for me for singing), but it wasn't about either of those.  It was about that first day I felt it and feeling it again at other tai chi events.  

Mormons talk a lot about a "burning in the bosom" as a sign of the Holy Ghost testifying of a truth.  Driving home from an incredible qigong workshop, I was thinking about a comment the instructor had made about how at one point his qi had been so strong that it felt like it was burning.  I laughed out loud as I finally made the connection to the burning bosom thing.  Qi is energy, life force, and it is strongest when we are in harmony and at peace with ourselves and with all around us.  Isn't that truth?  Why can't feeling strong qi be the same thing as feeling the Spirit?  

Prayer

Let me take a moment to share some ways that prayer has been a problem for me.  First, all the formalities get in the way for me.  If this is supposed to be about building a relationship with Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, why does it have to be so formal?  Most people would answer that it is formal to show respect.  I get that, but for me the formalities put up a wall between me and God.  My need to do it the right way (because I always tried to do everything exactly as I was instructed) kept me from true, heart-felt prayer.  

Second, people say to imagine that you are talking to a friend on the phone.  Uh... No.  I hate the phone.  I much prefer to communicate in person or through writing.  

Third, my own messed up brain sometimes speaks louder than God.  When God calls you names that you can't print in a family friendly blog and follows that with, "Talk to me after you've done all the stuff your leaders already told you to do," you can be pretty sure that it isn't God speaking to you.  

So I've parted ways with the formulaic prayer--formal address, thank, ask, formal closing, listen--and I'm doing it my way.  And my spirituality is growing in leaps and bounds.  

One  solution--a meditation during a qigong class.  Seriously, these have been some of the most spiritual and the most powerful experiences of my life.  And it's all because of the words that our teacher chooses as she leads us through the mediation.  The funny thing is, I bought a video that my teacher's teacher produced, and when she gives instructions about the meditation, she actually uses the word "prayer" and I totally disconnect.  It is not anywhere near as beautiful an experience as when my teacher leads us through the Kwan Yin Closing.  In Chinese folklore, Kwan Yin is the goddess of compassion.  No, you don't need to panic.  I'm not praying to another god.  But I love the stories of Kwan Yin and what she represents.   And this movement/meditation carries her name.  It takes about 3-5 minutes, but could be longer or shorter depending on need.  Except for the voice of the teacher, it is all silent.  

These are the parts of the Kwan Yin Closing that have taught me about prayer.   

I love thanking the people that have helped me on my healing journey. Taking that moment to reflect on where I am and who helped me get here is very powerful.  (Yes, I know I've used that word about 5,000 times in this post, but it is the word that fits the best.)  There are a few people and certain event that come to mind every time I do this, but often, something new surfaces, something else or someone else that I need to be thankful for.  

We send love and healing energy to someone we know who is in need.  We visualize that person as fully capable of dealing with whatever it is they are facing.  

We send love and healing out to the world, allowing it to go where ever it is needed most.  

We release ourselves to be of service to the world.  I love that word "release".  It's not pledge. It's not commit.  It's not challenge.  It is release and it is incredibly freeing and motivating.  

We send healing energy to the earth itself.  

Atonement

This is a big one, the central one actually in Christian churches.  And yes, I do understand that none of us will ever fully comprehend it all, but I didn't get any of it.  My heart didn't understand why it was necessary.  I could write a book about what I have been taught about the atonement, but I just didn't get it.  Maybe I still don't, but I've come up with a new definition (again, inspired by my non-church learning) that works very well for me with where I am spiritually right now.  

Atonement is empathy across time and space (Jesus' taking on all the pains and sins of the world while in the Garden of Gethsemane) creating a oneness, a wholeness, and a unity which enables us to transform any sin, weakness, pain, or sorrow into something better and stronger. The Atonement is empathy and transformation. It's that simple. Christ understood a sacred principle and showed us how to apply it.

Repentance

Again, I could write a book with all that I know intellectually about this, but there is no soul connection.    For now, I'm happy with using an approach that works well with singing and tai chi.  I'm not perfect.  There will be things that I do that are not quite what I would like them to be. First, I acknowledge what it is that I am doing well.  Then with presence, intention, and compassion, I try again.  That's it.  That is as far as I'm going with the whole repentance thing.  

If my life is not what you think it should be, have patience.  I learn some things very quickly.  And sometimes, things that are easy for other people to learn are very difficult for me.  I may take longer than most, and I may approach life and learning from a completely different angle than you do, but it's OK.  I am exactly where I need to be right now, doing exactly what I need to do.  

Growth, Change, and Transformation

Never pray for humility.  It pretty much guarantees that you will have many experiences that will humble you.  I've also learned that daring the Water Snake to bring it on, might also be just a bit of a mistake.  I was ready for change, and I'm embracing the transformation, but there has been a lot of it to deal with.

We are currently in the Chinese Year of the Water Snake.  I'm not a real fan of snakes, but as I explored the symbolism, I found things I loved and decided to embrace this year, the snake, and all it would bring into my life.  I thought I was ready for this.  I feel like I've handled the change well, but I never expected the growth and transformation to come in the ways that it has.

With the exception of a short, vague post in mid-April, I haven't had the time, energy, and focus to blog.  Here's a quick review (not necessarily in chronological order) of all that has happened in my life so far during the year of the Water Snake, (in addition to the regular stuff like voice lessons and tai chi classes).

• Russ Smiley died.  He was my tai chi teacher's mentor and a leader in the tai chi community.  I had my TCA training with him and was hoping to study more with him in the future.  
• My cousin was assaulted.  He survived, but is now dealing with the effects of a Traumatic Brain Injury.  His recovery will be a very long process.  
• Glenda Maurice, my voice teacher and mentor, died.  
• Barbara Kierig died.  We were not particularly close, but she was a part of the voice community and will be missed.  
• My massage therapist, who has been the most important member of my health care team, found out that she can no longer use the space she has been using.  I still don't know if she has found any other options, or if she will be retiring.  
• I spent two and a half amazing days studying Soaring Crane Qi Gong with Ralph Dehner.  The insights and nuggets of wisdom I picked up during the breaks and discussion time were as transforming for me as the actual work we did.  
• I adjudicated at two different Solo and Ensemble Contests and was able to share some of the newest things that I am incorporating in my own teaching.  
• I took my TCA 2 certification class and was able to work with Ileana Ferrier and Linda Arksey.  I hope to have opportunities to study with both of them in the future.  
• Because of changes in my teacher's schedule, I will be doing more substituting for tai chi classes starting in the fall, and I'll be a teaching assistant for all the classes as well.  
• We celebrated another World Tai Chi and Qigong Day.  Each year when I participate, I am reminded of how much I love this tai chi community.  They are my people.  I have found my home.  
• My writing is calling to me again.  And it can't wait until NaNoWriMo.  So much of this story  parallels my own journey.  I couldn't revise it 10 years ago because I didn't know the things I needed to know to complete the story.  Each year I learn more and the pieces fall into place.  There are stories begging to be written, and the old stories are asking for revision and editing and maybe even sharing them with the world.  I'm currently re-reading the 10 related novels and short stories and the real work will begin shortly.  
• I'm presenting 2 different sessions at the MMTA Convention in June.  The first one is technology.  (Don't laugh.)  Actually, I'm leading a discussion about Music Teacher's Helper.  And I asked that it be very clear about that in the description.  I'm not spouting knowledge.  I'm facilitating sharing.  The second sessions is about using tai chi and qigong in the voice studio and I'm super excited about that one.  My study of tai chi and qigong has changed the way I teach and work with my voice students.  

All this since February.  What more will be revealed this year?  I don't really know, but for once, I feel confident that I am growing and transforming in just that ways that I need to and that I can handle whatever happens.  

Tai Chi and Lieder

This definitely counts as a "not quite what you'd expect" moment.  

Last night I forgot to take my CD player to tai chi class.  Not a big deal.  I had my computer with me and I had a Deuter album on iTunes that I really like to listen to while doing tai chi.  You can listen to samples from each of the tracks with the link to amazon, or you can get an idea of what the whole thing is like from this. 

So, I got to class, turned on the computer, started the music, and then greeted the students as they arrived.  Class went very well, and we were just getting ready for one final run through of the form, when suddenly the Deuter was over, replaced by another German.   

I've been sharing tai chi principles and even some of the forms with my voice students.  It's actually been quite helpful.  I just never expected to share Dietrich Fischer-Diskau with my tai chi students.  

When the Ideal Isn't Reality

There is a lot talk these days, especially with the current political climate, about how things "should" be. The ideal is certainly something that we want to be working towards, but we also need the skills (and programs, support, money, laws, etc.) to deal with the reality of what is.

I worked with a wonderful voice teacher that taught me how to make intelligent choices about where and where not to breathe in a song. In a perfect situation, the composer has aligned text phrases with musical phrases that aren't too long to perform in one breath. In reality, what a poet has to say in one phrase of text may extend through two, three, or even four musical phrases. Or the musical phrase and the text phrase may match up, but be impossibly long for the singer. Or the musical and text phrases may not line up at all.

Even when you have that perfect musical/text match-up that works well within what the singer can do in one breath, problems can arise. I was sick for nearly a month before my last performance. My asthma means that breathing for singing is the last thing to return to normal. And being nervous will also change how your body uses the air, so you may have many "surprise" deviations from the breathing plan during a performance.

If we only teach a student where the ideal breathing spots are, we leave them vulnerable when they go into a situation similar to that last performance of mine. But I did just fine. And you know why? Because the same teacher that taught me how to make the best possible choice for a place to breath also taught me how to cope when that is just plain not going to happen. I think we do a disservice to our students when we only prepare them for the ideal and don't teach them how to deal with the less than ideal.

I believe that too many kids have sex way too early. I'm OK with abstinence being the ideal. But for many people it is not the reality. If all we teach is abstinence, we leave these kids vulnerable to pregnancy, disease, and heartbreak. I am a huge supporter of sex-education, ideally in the home, but since that is not a reality for a lot of people, it does need to be available elsewhere. For years I've toyed with the idea of selling condoms to parents to give to their kids when they have that talk. For the Mormons, the condom itself would say "CTR", Choose the Right, a phrase the kids have heard since childhood. We could do "WWJD" for our Evangelical Christian friends. The parents can say, "I think you should wait because (fill in the blank with your religious/moral view), but if you do have sex, please be safe." Then the kid carries it in a purse or wallet and has one final reminder from Mom/Dad/God before they make that big decision. It may encourage them to wait. Or it may just mean that they come home not pregnant and disease free. Are people really willing to sacrifice the lives of so many because ideally you shouldn't have sex until married, so we're not even going to talk about it and how to help the people that are having pre-marital sex?

Now that half of the people quit reading because they were offended, I'll continue on with one more example and this one is far less controversial.

I certified this weekend to teach Tai Chi. We spent a lot of time working on refining our own performance of the form and talking about how to work with the elderly and people with diseases and disabilities. We learned to model the form for our students, showing them the way it should be. We also learned that safety and comfort are more important than doing the movements the "right" way. We learned the ABC's of Tai Chi: Always Be Comfortable. We can help students adapt the form to make it more comfortable for their current physical condition. In the perfect world, we would all be thin, with joints and muscles that functioned properly, and brains that enabled clear thinking and memory. But if I only teach to that ideal, the people that need Tai Chi the most won't be able to do it. Heck, I wouldn't be able to do it.

One of the most beautiful things mentioned in the Tai Chi training was that Tai Chi is an internal art, not an external one. If we get caught up in the choreography we miss the real benefits. What the body does on the outside is a way of enabling the internal, but the mind is a powerful thing. If all a student can do is think about moving their hand, they still benefit.

I'm not opposed to teaching the ideal. In fact, I think it is important. We need to know where we want to go, what we want to achieve. But we also need to deal with the realities of the here and now. And failure to talk about that reality and find ways to cope with it leaves a lot of people in the dark, alone and afraid.

My Major Achievement

I have a Master's degree in Vocal Performance. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears went into that degree, and I am very proud of what I accomplished. But I'm even more proud of what I accomplished today.

Today I completed my instructor certification for Tai Chi for Arthritis, Seated Tai Chi, and Tai Chi for MS. In so many ways, this was a major achievement for me. As a child, I was a high academic achiever and excelled in music. Those were my things I did well. I don't know that anyone ever really said that I was bad at physical things, but they definitely were not where my strengths were focused. I was taller and heavier than most kids and although I was sufficiently coordinated enough to play the piano, that coordination didn't seem to transfer to the recess games of kick ball or jump rope. I played. I did OK, sometimes, but I was never really good at it. And a part of me needed to be really good, so I focused my time and energy on the things that I knew I was good at. I had a teacher that would sometimes let me stay in during recess to do other academic things. I loved it, and appreciate the fact that she helped me succeed there, but now, I kind of wish she had forced me to go out and play more.

I remember very distinctly our reading out loud sessions in my first grade class. Why do I remember them? Because I feared them. Every kid sat waiting for Jeannine to make a mistake and I was terrified that I would. From an adult perspective, I can see that the kids just wanted me to be more human, instead of super-human. If I made a mistake, it would be OK for them to make one too. But my child mind began to fear anything less than perfection.

Telling someone, "Do your best," is not always a wise idea. I knew that I had the potential to perform at a very high level. If I just pushed myself hard enough for long enough I could do it. But what people don't say enough is "Do the best you can under the present circumstances." In fact, it's easy for a teacher to see someone not really working to their full potential and push them harder without fully understanding the reasons why they are not working well, or how the words we use to push will actually affect the student. In fifth grade, we had a big project to do. I can't even remember exactly what the purpose was, but I remember the comment my teacher wrote. "You have met the requirements for an A, but I expected more from you." And my tender child's ego read that as 93% was not good enough. I was not good enough. Anything less than 100% and perfection was not good enough.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to actually achieve anything of importance when you are practically paralyzed with the fear of not being perfect? Somehow I managed to earn my Associate's, Bachelor's and Master's degrees in a field where people love to tell you how not perfect you are. In fact, we joke that the classes of your Freshman year as a music major are all about getting you to change your major to something else. And sadly, I'm not really sure it is a joke.

I chose to not pursue university positions where I could teach music majors because I didn't want to have to tell my students that they weren't good enough and they weren't doing enough. I choose to teach in a high school where the department philosophy is that every student, regardless of perceived talent, can learn and grow from choir and voice lessons. I had a wonderful teacher and mentor early on that taught people not voices. The person in front of her, and how they felt about themselves and about music was more important to her than that student's skill level. That was the kind of teacher I wanted to be. Of course I love teaching the really good kids that I can really get into the details with, but some of the most rewarding teaching I do is with students of "average" or "below average" talent. And yes, I put those terms in quotes for a reason. The more I study about how people learn, the more convinced I become that those that we label "average" or "below average" simply have not had the exposure, instruction, and practice time that the "stars" have had. We all learn at different rates and I really believe that with time and guidance, "average" people can do amazing things.

As one of my non-music courses for my undergraduate degree, I took a course called Sociology and Health. During that class we view Bill Moyers' "Healing and the Mind." I was fascinated. That series and the other things we discussed in that class opened my mind to new ways of thinking about health and healing. I especially loved the segment on Tai Chi and Chinese medicine. But I was a singer, hoping to be a voice instructor, so I filed away that interest in Tai Chi in my "sometime in the future" file. Over the years, I would see a class offered through Continuing Education or Community Education and would be interested, but the time was never convenient with my schedule, and I never seemed to have the money to do it.

Then one day, the stars aligned. I was having a slightly manic* day when I'm more likely to do the things I want without really worrying about how I am going to pay for it. It was time to do something for me. That day, I signed up for a Tai Chi class, mini-medical school (another great program I want to get back to) and made a massage appointment. I was very lucky to get into a class run by a teacher certified in the Dr. Paul Lam's Tai Chi for Health program. Slowly, through very similar methods to what I was using with my voice students, she helped me get over some of that fear of not being perfect. I was a morbidly obese, uncoordinated person who often forgets which way is right and which is left, who had issues with perfectionism, and social and performance anxiety, but it didn't matter. I could learn this.

I fell in love with Tai Chi, again. Not only did it make me feel better, I was also seeing all sorts of connections to what I was doing in the voice studio. I decided that I wanted to dig deeper. I wanted to become a Tai Chi teacher, so I could do more than just incorporate the principals into my voice teaching. I wanted to share all of the amazing things I was learning and feeling when I did Tai Chi.

I signed up for the teacher certification class...and the anxiety and perfectionism started creeping back in. Would I be good enough? Would my obesity work against me? Would they really certify someone that looks like I do to teach a health class? With my Fibromyalgia, I wasn't even sure I would be able to endure the two day class. But I knew that all those concerns were my old demons resurfacing. (They do that on occasion.) And I knew that I had beaten them before and could do it again.

I practiced and did everything I could to give myself the best possible chance of success. The night before, I packed my bag with two different sets of shoes in case one got uncomfortable, high protein snacks, water, gatorade, kleenex, Band-Aids, cough drops, and a variety of medications for any of my issues that might be problematic that day. I also told myself (and actually believed it too) that it was OK if I didn't get the certification and just got an attendance certificate instead. There was no pressing need for me to certify immediately, and improving my Tai Chi through this focused work was enough.

I got up early in the morning and gave myself more than twice the estimated travel time to arrive at the location. And then, I couldn't find the place where I was supposed to be. First, I expected the street to be further off the freeway than it was so I drove right past it. I am really familiar with the area, so I soon realized that I had gone too far and was not where I needed to be. No big deal. I turned around and headed back, and then had several other issues. By the time I got to class, I was a mess. I had given myself lots of time, so I was still early which gave me time to think about how I could excuse myself for a few minutes if I felt like I was going to have a melt down. (Crying is not a great way to introduce yourself to new people.) Now that I think about it, I realize that I could have used EB's nosebleed strategy. Why do I always forget the good stuff when I am stressed? (If you don't know EB, you'll have to ask me to explain this to you at another time.)

I'm not a quitter, and I've forced myself to do a lot of hard things. And sometimes, that's not a completely bad thing. It kept me from getting up and leaving, and having a good cry in the car before heading home. I was determined to take from this class whatever I could. And within the first few minutes of class, the instructor had done what all good teachers should do--he created a place where I felt safe and comfortable in learning. He immediately let us know that we needed to do what felt comfortable for our bodies. That might not seem like a big deal to someone else, but I felt a huge burden lifted. I could do what I could do and that was enough. I let of my worries and just did what I needed to do. And I tried not to freak out when we took turns leading or when I knew he was watching. And even then, the anxiety level was so much lower than singing for a voice jury or even some of the voice lessons I've had.

When I sing, I deal with anxiety by focusing on what I am trying to communicate. I focus on the beauty of the words and music. And sometimes, that allows me to let go enough to really create something wonderful. I'm no longer just singing, I'm becoming the song. At the end of the day today, we did a demo of what we had learned. I did fairly well even though that stupid voice in my head kept saying, "Get it right this time. They're watching," which of course always messes you up. The awesome part though was when it was time for the group learning Part II to do their demo. Others that knew the form were invited to do it with them. I was only doing the certification for the first part, but I know the second part as well. During that demo I had one of those experience where you are not "doing" Tai Chi, but "being" Tai Chi. I really felt it. And that would have been worth all the work of the class even if I hadn't received my certificate.

__________________

*Just to clarify, it has been determined that I am do not have bipolar disorder. Those seemingly manic days (or sometimes just hours) are really the days when my fibromyalgia is not causing fatigue or cognitive difficulties and my ADD brain gets super focused on something. The excitement and enthusiasm sometimes looks like a manic episode.

Deeper learning

You know what's sad is when you get so busy that you don't even take the time to ramble nonsensically on your blog. I started this post and got all of 2 sentences in before getting distracted by something else. But, I think this is worth coming back to.

In my Yang style Tai Chi class, since we know the whole form (Yang 24) now, we have started working on flipping it--doing everything to the right that we learned to the left. It is an interesting challenge, and it takes the learning to a new level. Sometimes by the time I get to class on Monday nights, my brain is ready to shut down. I know that some of the moves I learned purely kinesthetically, just watching the teacher and imitating her. As I try to flip it, obviously, the body feels it differently since it is a different hand or foot moving, so this really gives me a chance to go back and involve some analytical learning as well. And I'm finding that the better I get at flipping the form, the better I am the first direction.

For years, I've been talking to my students about using as many learning modes as possible. We obviously want to focus on whatever our individual strengths are, but if we use multiple learning methods, we know the material better. For example, if I was memorizing "I Enjoy Being a Girl", I would pick up most of the words just from listening to it and singing it several times. If draw pictures, I'll remember even more. If I make up silly actions (way more exaggerated than you would use to perform), I'll be even more solid in my memorization.

I've also found that there are times when we think we have learned something, but later realize that we just weren't ready to take it to the next level yet. Learning is very much influenced by how ready we are to learn whatever it is we are setting out to learn.

It's also true that sometime we understand things at an unconscious level before we really process it consciously. In writing my novel this past month, things came to the surface that I hadn't considered before. And in analyzing some symbolism (that I didn't even intend as symbolism) I learned something pretty profound.

I cannot imagine a life without learning. I crave it. I need it to exist. And life is more than happy to provide all the opportunities I need.

It Takes Time

I am loving my new journey of learning Tai Chi. And I am amazed (though I probably shouldn't be) and how many similarities there are between this and studying/teaching voice. When I first began my Master's degree in vocal performance, my teacher had me read Brenda Ueland's book If You Want to Write. She said to just substitute sing whenever Ueland said write. The book is amazing and has influenced me both as a writer and a singer. In Dr. Paul Lam's latest newsletter, I found an article and a link to a video that once again reminded me how closely related the things that I love are.

The article is actually the text from Brenda Hum's talk that she gave at a Tai Chi Conference. "What does the Spirit of Tai Chi Mean?" is a beautiful exploration of what Tai Chi can do for us as individuals and as a group. If you substitute the word music, you could give this talk at a music educators' conference. Please read it. All I can add is AMEN!



The video of Marty Kidder's talk is hilarious, especially as he shares "code" phrases for how to encourage your students and what the teacher might really be thinking. Students--I just want you to know that I've been using these phrases for years, and not because you are clueless, but for the reasons he states at the end. The pursuit of any worthy goal takes time and discipline and a willingness to risk and even embrace failure in order to learn.

Someone recently asked me about my interests and activities and I mumbled a few things and then felt like I must live a pretty boring life. I think she just caught me at a bad time. The truth is, I live a pretty amazing life. I love to explore--places, ideas, feelings. I read a lot. Lately it's been more news and blogs than books, but I can't stop reading. I love watching plants and animals and people. You can learn so much from quiet observation. I love music, tai chi, and writing and those 3 interests alone could provide a lifetime of learning and challenges. I'm not perfect, and I don't have to be to really enjoy them. The mastering of any skill or art takes time, and even the greatest masters never stop learning and practicing.

Highs and Lows

This week I have done some amazing things and some really dumb things.

Monday and Tuesday were great days. I made a bunch of phone calls I have been putting off (I hate the telephone) and scheduled doctor appointments and an appointment to get my car serviced. Also in a moment of what I'm sure was complete insanity, I signed up for a Tai Chi class, emailed someone to let them know that I will be attending a Singles Conference this weekend, and signed up for the U of MN mini-medical school. I'm kind of glad that I was slightly manic and not really thinking things through, because if registering for those things had been on the list of things to do today, I might have been to overwhelmed to commit to them. Tai Chi starts Jan. 25 and goes for several Monday nights and then the mini-medical school lectures are the several Monday nights after that. Both are things that I've wanted to do for a long time, but this is the first time that they have been offered at a time that I'm not teaching.

Monday I also set up a massage appointment. Yes, it's another expense and I'm trying to trim the budget, and no, it is not a luxury. It is an investment in my health. Several years ago I was getting regular massages and they helped with the pain management a lot. I had my massage on Tuesday and have another set up for next week. Again, I'm glad I was feeling good enough that I didn't stop to think about all the reasons I really shouldn't do this. I really should. It helps and that is reason enough. I'll trim the budget in other areas.

Now on to the not so good days. I'm on the organizing committee for a major fund-raiser that happens on Feb. 5. For more details on it, go to www.voicesofhopemn.org . It is going to be amazing, but the part of it that I am taking care of is getting frustrating for me. It's mostly because I have people that I need to get things to by a certain date, but I can't do that until I received information from other people and the date that I will get that just keeps getting pushed further and further back. I do realize that I overplan. I want to have a plan to cover every little thing that might come up. I'm a firm believer that if you cover all your bases, you can change that plan if needed, but at least you have an idea of what is going on. I'm working with someone that I totally love and she is amazing with creating energy and excitement for projects like these, but her style is a little more "fly by the the seat of your pants," and that is stressing me out a little. I know that everything will turn out all right in the end, but that didn't help me sleep any better last night. It took me several hours to wind down after our meeting and then I woke up thinking about it again this morning.

Because I let the fund-raiser frustration take over my brain, I heard myself say something totally inappropriate this morning. It was very out of character for me. I immediately apologized, but still I can't believe I even let it happen. I believe that as much as possible our interactions with our students should be positive ones. We correct, but we never belittle or do anything to make them feel that who they are as a person is wrong. (I had that experience with a teacher, and it taught me that I never want my students to feel that way.) But today, the part of my brain that is in charge of monitoring those communications wasn't working. A student was walking down the hall toward me to come to her lesson. She said, "My books are in my locker. Do you want me to go get them?"

My response should have been, "Yes. And please hurry." Instead I said, "(insert name), that was a DUMB question. It's your voice lesson. Of course you need your books." I don't believe in dumb questions, or I didn't, but that really was one. However, I should never have responded that way. I immediately apologized, but have thought about it several times during the day wondering how I could have changed that. Like I said, there was no thought process before it came out my mouth. The thought and the words happened at exactly the same time. That's something I get on these kids for, not something a mature adult should be doing. Anyway, I hope that I can learn to deal with my stress and frustration better so that I don't end up in "blurt mode" anymore.