Waiting

Sometimes I start to think that if I am not busy doing something that I'm wasting time. Using that logic, I've wasted a lot of time over the last month. Since I fell a month ago, I haven't really "accomplished" much. I do think that the accident triggered a fibromyalgia flare up. I've definitely experienced more pain and tension, even in parts of my body that were "unaffected" by the fall.

I've also been rating high on some of the warning signs of depression, which is also linked to fibromyalgia. It's not the "woe is me. My life is so miserable" kind of depression. It's the kind where all you want to do is sleep, but you don't sleep well; the kind where nothing can hold your attention; the kind where nothing motivates you. I've always been lucky that even in my worst times dealing with depression I have been able to make myself go to work and do my job, and I have been able to do that this time around too. But beyond that, all I've really done is read a couple of books (and I can't even focus enough to do that now) and watch Star Trek videos.

So what do a fibromyalgia flare up and depression have to do with waiting, you ask. Here's the thing: I often think of them as something to get through, to get out of, but I'm starting to realize all that they can teach me. And it's not just about how I need to take better care of myself, which I know already.

Sometimes these quiet times of accomplishing nothing are really times of openness--times to observe and collect information without needing to process it or use it immediately. And then when sufficient data has been stored, the connections begin to fall into place and the deeper meaning of it all becomes clear, without any real work on my part.

I believe in the power of fasting and prayer. I believe that they work because they alter our consciousness in a way that allows us to be open, to see things in a new way, to be guided by powers greater than our own. I think that in some ways, these mild episodes of depression work in a similar way, allowing me to process things differently, to quiet all the noise of the world and listen to what I need to do and be.

I've always had very vivid dreams, and last night I had one that brought everything that has happened these last few weeks into focus. I'm not one of those people that thinks that every dream has deep meaning, but this one did. It really helped me to see who I need to become and what I need to be doing with me life. And I know the dream wouldn't have occurred without the experiences of the last few weeks.

So yes, I do need to get up off my couch and clean my house, but I also need to know when not to fight this, when to just wait it out and be open to the revelation.


-- Posted from my iPhone