The Words We Speak

I've been thinking about words a lot lately.  As a singer, teacher, and writer, words are my life.  The words we choose and how we use them can carry tremendous power.  But words are not as specific as we would like to think.  Sure, you can look up a word in the dictionary and then use it completely correctly, but the word alone still doesn't say everything you want to say.  Meaning and intent are added by the way you form the consonants and vowels, your inflection, and the way your body moves when you speak those words.  With careful study of diction, elocution, and non-verbal communication, a skilled speaker can talk with a fairly high level of specificity, but without further discussion with the listener, the speaker can not be sure that his intent has be effectively communicated.  

Word carry meanings beyond those listed in the dictionary.  When we hear or read words, we don't just think of the dictionary definition.  We filter it through our life experiences.  Words come with emotions and memories attached.  Thus, two people could be in complete agreement about the dictionary definition of the word, but still have markedly different responses to the use of that word.

Here's a recent example from my own life:  I loved the movie Frozen.  It wasn't just,  "Wow! That was a great show."  I actually paid to see it 3 times in the theatre (I rarely go the theatre for any movie even once) and I now own the DVD.  Everybody (and their dog) has written a blog post or review.  This one bothered me and it took me a long time to clearly articulate why. Right at the top, they talk about the abusive parents.  Abusive.  That word hurt.  I didn't see them as abusive at all.  I saw them as really loving their children and doing the best they could to protect them, even if in the end, their solutions caused more problems than they might have fixed.  My reaction to the use of the word "abusive" went deeper though.  My therapist and I have discussed at length situations that I have been in that she has labeled abusive.  With one exception, I pushed back against that label.  I saw those people as well-meaning and loving, even with the damage they did to my life.  I defined abuse as intentionally, cruelly, hurting someone, and I honestly don't think they intended to hurt me.  It took a Disney movie to help me redefine that word and my own experiences.  Looking at abuse now, I would say that the majority of abuse is not intentional, but the intent does not change the damage that is inflicted.  Damage, not intent, is at the core of the meaning of the word abuse, or at least my current meaning.  Elsa was abused, and I was abused.

As an intelligent human being, there are times that I can spout off long sermons about certain words.  But intelligence doesn't help me feel the meaning, it only makes memorizing definitions easier.  To truly know and understand something, I must feel it.  I have to find that thing...that quality...that can't be put into words.  I think I've mentioned before that I can give a great lesson about repentance, using all the right words, describing the process perfectly, but I don't really know and feel what that word means in the context of my religion.  I've had to find my own way with this one, borrowing from other faith traditions and philosophies.  I think I'm doing OK with it, so rather than getting frustrated when I hear it at church for the 9,745,354th time, I either just let it go, or do a quick translation in my head.

It's getting harder though.  Too many of the words at church carry meanings for me that I know they don't have to carry, but I can't let go and translate to something else.  Last week, there was a talk on the atonement, another word that I can tell you a lot about, but I'm not sure I know what it means.  I did some reading in the Bible Dictionary.  There is some good stuff there, but also some words that evoke negative and painful feelings and memories.  Many people, actually, I suspect most people I go to church with, would not see or feel the things that I experienced while reading that.

For the last several years, I've tried to re-learn words, letting go of their painful parts and focusing on the best and most beautiful parts.  It's been through my non-church activities that I've actually been most successful with this.  In this post last fall, I wrote about some of the re-framing that I've been doing.  I'm glad I looked it up today.  I wanted draw your attention to the part about prayer, but was pleasantly surprised to find my refined definition of "atonement" in the post too.  Those words might sound a little crazy and out there to my mainstream Mormon friends, but it speaks peace to my heart where the words I hear at church don't.

So what do we do if words mean different things to different people?  Do we just give up and hide?  (Honestly, I'd like to sometimes.)  Fortunately, that is not the only answer.  We can talk.  We can ask questions.  We can say, "I get where you're coming from, but here's what it feels like to me."  I've been lucky to find a community (mostly online) where we can do just that.  We talk about the hard stuff.  It's not uncommon to see someone comment that they really like something and have another person comment that the same thing hurt them.  We learn and grow and make better choice about the words we use as we try to understand how all of the people that hear or read our words respond.

I have to give a huge shout out here to Natasha Helfer Parker.  She is a Mormon and a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist.  She is doing a short series covering the recent General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  From her perspective as a therapist, she is sharing the things she loved about what she heard, the things that might need further clarification or nuancing, especially with the clients she sees, and then things that, although well-intentioned, have the potential to cause harm.  These are the kind of discussions I wish we could have more frequently.  These are the things that help use to understand each other better and communicate in more loving ways.

Our words matter.  Our intent matters.  And understanding how others receive our words matters.

What Being a Liberal Mormon Means to Me

Last week, a firestorm erupted when Meridian Magazine published an article by Joni Hilton titled, "Are You a Liberal Mormon?"  Meridian Magazine has taken down the article and published an apology, but you can still read it (and commentary from John Dehlin) here. When I first posted the original link and my response, I expected a lot of fallout from my friends.  What I got instead was agreement, support, and intelligent comments and questions.

One question that arose is how do we define liberal Mormon.  I've had to think about this a lot, for several reasons.  First, although I do lean to the liberal side of things politically, I didn't want this to be about politics.  My liberal views are not just political ideology, they are part of what makes me who I am.  I can't separate the Mormon me from the liberal me.  More about the liberal stuff later.

Second, as I acknowledged in a few conversations about this, labels can be problematic.  They do set us apart from something, and I was having trouble finding ways to articulate my views about being a liberal Mormon without comparing them to something else.  (You still might get a little of this).

Third, the label of liberal is much easier for me to claim and share with the world than is the label of Mormon.  I have many dear friends who have been hurt deeply by Mormons and Mormon culture.  (Please note that I am referring specifically to people and practices, which by their nature will be flawed.  The true gospel is not.)  Claiming the label of Mormon is also difficult for me because it is a culture in which I do not feel like I belong. Because so much of what I think, feel, and do varies from "normal," "orthodox," or even "conservative" Mormonism, I am not sure that I have the right to claim this label.  But since I'm still connected to the church, and my experiences with the church have shaped my life, for the purpose of this discussion, I am going to claim it.

Fourth, the more I thought about what liberal means to me, the more I realized that many of my conservative Mormon friends would probably feel that those core beliefs are theirs as well.  There is more that connects us than separates us, and we have to find that, lock in to it, and let that be the beauty that pulls us together, that creates a space where we live in unity and with compassion.

Finally, as upset as I was by Sis. Hilton's post, it opened the door for some magnificent conversations.
You can find wonderful responses to Sis. Hilton's article here, here, here, and here.  Please take the time to read them all.  They will give you much more context of this issue than you will find in my own comments here.

As I thought about how to best express my views on this topic, the idea came to me that maybe I'm not a liberal Mormon.  Maybe I'm a Star Trek Mormon.

There are always possibilities.  

One of the things that Mormons believe distinguished their church from others is the idea of continuing revelation.  In fact, the 9th Article of Faith states,

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

We don't know it all yet.  What we know now are the things that have been revealed based on the people's questions, and the ability to hear and implement the the answers.  I don't think that all revelation comes as an instant directive from God unrelated to the needs and wants of those it affects.  I believe that most revelation comes when we struggle with a concept, when we have questions.  It comes when we share those questions and feeling with the people that can make a difference and ask them to inquire as well.  And then, the vessel or vessels must be prepared to receive that information.  I think that we all (including the Quorum of the 12 and the First Presidency) receive revelation through the filter of our own life experiences and culture.  Unless and until our desire to know is greater than our desire to stay with what we have always done and always believed, we will not be completely open to the full message that God is trying to give us.  

I believe that God will yet reveal many things relating to 

• Women's roles and opportunities to serve within the church.  
• Who our Heavenly Mother is and why we have no contact with her.  
• The role of women in the next life.  
• How our homosexual brothers and sisters, and our single brothers and sisters fit into the plan of salvation (which right now only acknowledges the value of heterosexual couples.)  

I believe that very little doctrine is set in stone.  Mormon doctrine is fluid. The book "Mormon Doctine" by Bruce R. McConkie was once thought to be the be all and end all of discussions on doctrine, and now the church says that these are the opinions of one man.  While including many good things, it also includes things that the church as a whole no longer believes.  This article released by the church lays out the position fairly clearly.

By embracing Spock's logic of possibilities, I can live with the things that bother me, while still asking for more information about them.

The core of my liberal beliefs is that every person is a child of Heavenly Parents, and has divine potential.  I cannot and will not choose my friends or choose who I will love and serve by going through a check list of commandments, guidelines, and policies to see if they meet the basic minimum requirements.  I cannot condemn what I do not understand (and if I'm condemning it at all, then maybe I need to look a little deeper.)

In Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Khan, as Kirk speaks at Spock's funeral, he says probably the most profound and loving words possible.

Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most...Human.

I can't think of better words that I would like to have expressed at my own funeral.  I was flawed.  I felt things deeply.  But I loved enough to put it all on the line for the people I cared about and strangers I maybe hadn't even met.  That's all.  And that is what being a Liberal Mormon means to me.

Being a Liberal Mormon means acting in a way that I can say in all honesty,

I have been and always shall be your friend.  

So that's it from the Star Trek Mormon for today.

Live long and prosper.  

NaNoWriMo 2013??????

I'm trying to make up my mind about whether or not I can really do NaNoWriMo this year. If I decide I can, do I push for a win (50,000 words) or just be happy that I took the time to write anything?

Reasons that NaNoWriMo will be hard this year

1. I have full time job teaching voice lessons.  I enjoy them, but they require a lot of energy and mental focus.  
2. 4 hours of tai chi classes and a one hour qigong class every week.  Sometimes I'm the teacher, sometimes the teaching assistant, and sometimes, I get to just be a student.  
3. Working with my personal trainer twice a week.  
4. NATS Student Adjudications the first weekend of the month will suck up most of my writing time for that weekend.  
5. An extra qigong workshop on the second Saturday means that it is pretty much a tai chi/qigong day and I won't get much writing in.  
6. Third weekend of the month starts with a Thursday workshop I'm giving.  Then on Friday I've committed to  go to a student's performance.  Saturday is an update for my tai chi certification.  

Summary, my days and evenings during the week are already pretty full.  I usually write a lot on the weekends, but this year, I have more weekend commitments.  

Reasons I should do it anyway and things that may actually help me

1. Writing feeds my soul.  
2. I actually already have a vague idea about what I want to write.  World building and character development for the main characters is already done since I've already written about this world and characters before.  
3. I want to discover who Jenna becomes after the amazing, transformative experiences she was having when I wrote about her last.  
4. I learn through writing.  I figure things out through writing.  I process and understand through writing, and I have a lot to process and understand right now.  
5. No school November 8.  Extra writing time!
6. I don't work at all the last 4 days of the month.  With the exception of my workout, I can pretty much write non-stop.  I've done 10,000 word days before, so I could use these days to make up for all the other times I can't write.  

I guess the real question is, "How can I not take this time to write?"  I have to do this.  I don't know if I'll win (it won't be the end of the world if I don't) but I need to try.  

I just found this awesome quote that totally explains why:

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.
~Thomas Merton

This Introvert's Version of a Perfect Day Off

On Wednesday when I mentioned to someone that I was excited for the long weekend, he asked what my plans were.  I've had this conversation before, but the answer came more quickly and with more conviction this time.  And for the first time, I felt like I didn't have to justify it to anyone.  It is what I want and what I need.  How other people spend their free time is up to them.  My free time is mine.

I was excited for the weekend because for a period of about 37 hours, I would have no commitments to anyone else and nothing that had to be done at a certain time.  I sleep when I'm tired.  I eat when I'm hungry.  If I don't feel like getting dressed, I stay in my pajamas.  My life is not ruled by the clock and I can listen to what my body needs and wants.  I might go somewhere today, if I feel like it.  I might do some reading.  I might clean the house.

Right now, I'm blogging and enjoying the sunshine.

Finding Light and Hope: Elder Oaks tells us to stand for principles

Here's the latest installment of my series Finding Light and Hope where I share the things that I found beautiful about each of the talks from the October 2013 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

You can read Elder Oak's talk here, or watch below.



Here are my favorite parts:

• Our theology begins with heavenly parents, and our highest aspiration is to attain the fulness of eternal exaltation. 

• ...we are also conscious that God’s plan is for all of His children and that God loves all of His children, everywhere. The first chapter of the Book of Mormon declares that God’s “power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth” (1 Nephi 1:14). A later chapter declares that “he hath given [his salvation] free for all men” and that “all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden” (2 Nephi 26:27–28). Consequently, the scriptures teach that we are responsible to be compassionate and charitable (loving) toward all men

• A teaching of President Thomas S. Monson applies to this circumstance. At this conference 27 years ago, he boldly declared: “Let us have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval. Courage becomes a living and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully, but as the determination to live decently. A moral coward is one who is afraid to do what he thinks is right because others will disapprove or laugh. Remember that all men have their fears, but those who face their fears with dignity have courage as well."

Finding Light and Hope: President Uchtdorf's Invitation to All

This is the second in a series of posts about LDS General Conference.  You can read the first post here.

President Uchtdorf is always one of my favorite speakers.  The man radiates love.  You know he cares about people.  You can read the text of the talk here or watch below.



If I could only share one quote from this talk, it would be this one:

Brothers and sisters, dear friends, we need your unique talents and perspectives. The diversity of persons and peoples all around the globe is a strength of this Church.

Sometimes people both in and out of the church think that we all need to be exactly the same in order to find strength and unity.  The truth of the matter is that the strength comes from diversity.

Other favorite quotes:

In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restoredby a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves.5

Some struggle with unanswered questions about things that have been done or said in the past. We openly acknowledge that in nearly 200 yearsof Church history—along with an uninterrupted line of inspired, honorable, and divine events—there have been some things said and done that could cause people to question.

And, to be perfectly frank, there have been times when members or leaders in the Church have simply made mistakes. There may have been things said or done that were not in harmony with our values, principles,or doctrine.
I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes.

I Learn and Understand a Little Differently and That's OK

I am a person that succeeds very well in situations that require regurgitation of facts.  I can memorize lists.  I can diagram.  I can outline. I can plug numbers into a formula.  All that served me very well in my K-12 years that were mostly about getting the right answers on tests. Application of information and the ability to really understand it, connect with it, and grow from it is harder.  For many years, a belief that there was one right way for everything kept me banging me head against the wall. Everybody else was understanding and feeling something, so that must be the right way.  But I felt nothing.  If you're a fan of musical theatre, listen to this, which pretty much describes how I felt, not in acting classes like the song describes, but in church.  (Plus, Lea Salonga is awesome!) (Also, don't try to be too literal attaching everything in the song to what I'm talking about here.)



That "voice from down in the bottom of my soul" led me to the things that helped me to understand those things that intellectually were easy for me, but I had no connection to.

A few examples.

Trust and Surrender 

It's not uncommon to hear people talk about trusting the Lord or surrendering to his will.  We are taught to do what we can and the atonement will make up for the rest.  (More on the atonement later.) Trust and surrender are extremely difficult concepts for me.  You know where I finally understood and applied it?  Singing.  When I sing for church, I totally let go.  I've done what I can.  I just let the message work through me and trust that people will hear and feel what their souls need at that moment. Unfortunately, bringing into other areas of my life is harder, but at least I have a model now.  I know what I am working for.

Feeling the Spirit

I can't tell you how many church meetings I have been to where afterward people were talking about how strong the Spirit was in that meeting.  And I sat there thinking, "Really?  Where was I?"  Then a few years ago, I had an amazing experience and suddenly thought, "This is what they are talking about!"  But it wasn't at church.  It was at a World Tai Chi and Qigong Day celebration.  I was feeling love, and the incredible energy and presence of the people there.  Later, I wrote a poem, posted it on my blog,  and purposely left the situation that inspired it vague.  It could be about church, or it could be about singing (and sometimes does fit for me for singing), but it wasn't about either of those.  It was about that first day I felt it and feeling it again at other tai chi events.  

Mormons talk a lot about a "burning in the bosom" as a sign of the Holy Ghost testifying of a truth.  Driving home from an incredible qigong workshop, I was thinking about a comment the instructor had made about how at one point his qi had been so strong that it felt like it was burning.  I laughed out loud as I finally made the connection to the burning bosom thing.  Qi is energy, life force, and it is strongest when we are in harmony and at peace with ourselves and with all around us.  Isn't that truth?  Why can't feeling strong qi be the same thing as feeling the Spirit?  

Prayer

Let me take a moment to share some ways that prayer has been a problem for me.  First, all the formalities get in the way for me.  If this is supposed to be about building a relationship with Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, why does it have to be so formal?  Most people would answer that it is formal to show respect.  I get that, but for me the formalities put up a wall between me and God.  My need to do it the right way (because I always tried to do everything exactly as I was instructed) kept me from true, heart-felt prayer.  

Second, people say to imagine that you are talking to a friend on the phone.  Uh... No.  I hate the phone.  I much prefer to communicate in person or through writing.  

Third, my own messed up brain sometimes speaks louder than God.  When God calls you names that you can't print in a family friendly blog and follows that with, "Talk to me after you've done all the stuff your leaders already told you to do," you can be pretty sure that it isn't God speaking to you.  

So I've parted ways with the formulaic prayer--formal address, thank, ask, formal closing, listen--and I'm doing it my way.  And my spirituality is growing in leaps and bounds.  

One  solution--a meditation during a qigong class.  Seriously, these have been some of the most spiritual and the most powerful experiences of my life.  And it's all because of the words that our teacher chooses as she leads us through the mediation.  The funny thing is, I bought a video that my teacher's teacher produced, and when she gives instructions about the meditation, she actually uses the word "prayer" and I totally disconnect.  It is not anywhere near as beautiful an experience as when my teacher leads us through the Kwan Yin Closing.  In Chinese folklore, Kwan Yin is the goddess of compassion.  No, you don't need to panic.  I'm not praying to another god.  But I love the stories of Kwan Yin and what she represents.   And this movement/meditation carries her name.  It takes about 3-5 minutes, but could be longer or shorter depending on need.  Except for the voice of the teacher, it is all silent.  

These are the parts of the Kwan Yin Closing that have taught me about prayer.   

I love thanking the people that have helped me on my healing journey. Taking that moment to reflect on where I am and who helped me get here is very powerful.  (Yes, I know I've used that word about 5,000 times in this post, but it is the word that fits the best.)  There are a few people and certain event that come to mind every time I do this, but often, something new surfaces, something else or someone else that I need to be thankful for.  

We send love and healing energy to someone we know who is in need.  We visualize that person as fully capable of dealing with whatever it is they are facing.  

We send love and healing out to the world, allowing it to go where ever it is needed most.  

We release ourselves to be of service to the world.  I love that word "release".  It's not pledge. It's not commit.  It's not challenge.  It is release and it is incredibly freeing and motivating.  

We send healing energy to the earth itself.  

Atonement

This is a big one, the central one actually in Christian churches.  And yes, I do understand that none of us will ever fully comprehend it all, but I didn't get any of it.  My heart didn't understand why it was necessary.  I could write a book about what I have been taught about the atonement, but I just didn't get it.  Maybe I still don't, but I've come up with a new definition (again, inspired by my non-church learning) that works very well for me with where I am spiritually right now.  

Atonement is empathy across time and space (Jesus' taking on all the pains and sins of the world while in the Garden of Gethsemane) creating a oneness, a wholeness, and a unity which enables us to transform any sin, weakness, pain, or sorrow into something better and stronger. The Atonement is empathy and transformation. It's that simple. Christ understood a sacred principle and showed us how to apply it.

Repentance

Again, I could write a book with all that I know intellectually about this, but there is no soul connection.    For now, I'm happy with using an approach that works well with singing and tai chi.  I'm not perfect.  There will be things that I do that are not quite what I would like them to be. First, I acknowledge what it is that I am doing well.  Then with presence, intention, and compassion, I try again.  That's it.  That is as far as I'm going with the whole repentance thing.  

If my life is not what you think it should be, have patience.  I learn some things very quickly.  And sometimes, things that are easy for other people to learn are very difficult for me.  I may take longer than most, and I may approach life and learning from a completely different angle than you do, but it's OK.  I am exactly where I need to be right now, doing exactly what I need to do.