Armor Up, Part II

To read part one of this blog, go here.  

As I started digging and writing, I realized that the first nine words of this scripture could have a lengthy blog post of their own.  Armor Up is now a series, so you don't have to commit a lot of time in one sitting.

Previously on Armor Up

My scripture study is most effective and enlightening when I pull in information and comparisons from other sources, especially those that at the surface don't seem very related.  Armor provides protection, but armoring up can also cut us off from relationships, creativity, insights, and truth.  If we view our armor as a Wei Qi field that interacts and communicates with energy fields around us, we are looking at something very different from the rigid, solid, armor that lets nothing touch us.  Now we move on to the specific pieces of armor, what they look like, and what they can do for us.  

"Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth"

Stand

Stand.  Not sit.  Not run or walk.  Stand.  

There is something in this word that implies grounding, finding our strength from being solidly centered in one place.  We sometimes call tai chi moving meditation.  There are also still forms of meditation that involve standing.  Through a point in the bottom of the foot called the bubbling well, we can draw up energy from the earth.  It is our connection to the earth and earth energy.  

The scriptures are fully of examples of standing in holy places.  Here's one:

But my disciples shall stand in holy places, and shall not be moved
Doctrine and Covenents 45:32

Loins Girt

Girdles or belts can represent many things.  The literal and historical usage of this from the times of the Bible was to take the belt that secured the tunic and use it to tie up a person's garments between the legs to make it easy to work or do battle.  I find it interesting that an item that I normally think of as constricting or holding something in, was actually used to create more freedom of movement.  Someone whose loins were girt was prepared and ready for action.  

If you want to explore more of the biblical use of girdles, this article is good.  

The belt or girdle as part of armor serves to protect the lower organs.  It also secures other pieces of armor.  A utility belt, as worn by a police officer or carpenter or Batman, serves as a storage place for items essential to the wearer that he or she may need to access quickly, easily, or frequently.  A belt might indicate rank or status.  In literature and mythology, we find belts that protect, belts that strengthen (Thor's belt doubled his strength), and belts that give some kind of power.  Belts may also represent purity and chastity.  

For Mormons, probably the most familiar usage of these terms comes from the beloved hymn, "Come, Come Ye Saints":

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;

It's the refrain of "you can do it!" that the pioneers sang across the plains. We sing it to honor them and to remind ourselves that we are not alone.  I don't think it is by mere chance that the poet chose to link preparedness, courage, and trusting in God.  

I also like to think of girding my loins as gathering energy into my lower dan tian.  It's not an exact equivalent to loins as far as anatomy goes, but as the main storage place of energy in the body, I do think it serves that same purpose as the belt of helping us prepare and be strong.  

Truth

So we are in a position of strength (standing), prepared for what lies ahead (loins girt), but what is it that actually gives us that strength?  Truth.  

Talking about truth can get messy.  It's not as black and white as we would like it to be.  Not everything is either pure truth or pure falsehood. Philosophers have fought over the meaning of truth for centuries. Who am I to give the definitive answer?  

Here is what I believe.  There are some things that are objectively and absolutely true.  I believe that there are natural laws that exists outside of and independent of God's power.  He may know them well enough to work with them or around them, but even he is limited by them.  I believe that those things are truths.  

Buddhists believe in cause and effect (which is actually what karma is all about.)  Every action has a consequence.  Right thinking and right actions are those that lead us to a place of more compassion and less fear, hate, and attachment.  (Yes, I know that this is super simplified, but remember I'm trying to keep this short.) To me, that is truth.  

I think truth can also be very personal.  My own life experiences are my truth.  Recently it has become very important for me to share my story, to speak my truth, and to encourage others to do the same.  Telling our stories creates openness.  It allows the world to see who we really are and what has shaped us.  It creates vulnerability, yes, but it is only through vulnerability that we can connect to others.  While exposing our own vulnerability, speaking our truth opens up a place of safety for others.  

Whether truth is an eternal unchanging principle or our own experiences and personal convictions, the value and strength that come from truth is unlimited.  I've never been particularly fond of this hymn, but  today, it popped into my head and I realized how profoundly it addresses exactly what I want to say here.  I've underline my favorite parts.  

1. Oh say, what is truth? 'Tis the fairest gem
That the riches of worlds can produce,
And priceless the value of truth will be when
The proud monarch's costliest diadem
Is counted but dross and refuse.
2. Yes, say, what is truth? 'Tis the brightest prize
To which mortals or Gods can aspire.
Go search in the depths where it glittering lies,
Or ascend in pursuit to the loftiest skies:
'Tis an aim for the noblest desire.
3. The sceptre may fall from the despot's grasp
When with winds of stern justice he copes.
But the pillar of truth will endure to the last,
And its firm-rooted bulwarks outstand the rude blast
And the wreck of the fell tyrant's hopes.
4. Then say, what is truth? 'Tis the last and the first,
For the limits of time it steps o'er.
Tho the heavens depart and the earth's fountains burst,
Truth, the sum of existence, will weather the worst,
Eternal, unchanged, evermore.

Jesus declared

I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
John 14:6

George Herbert wrote these words (and Ralph Vaughan Williams set them to music)

Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
such a way as gives us breath,
such a truth as ends all strife,
such a life as killeth death. 

I love that.  "Such as truth as ends all strife."  Wow.  

I also found this nugget of wisdom from our friends at wikipdedia.

Thus, 'truth' involves both the quality of "faithfulness, fidelity, loyalty, sincerity, veracity",^[5] and that of "agreement with factor reality", in Anglo-Saxon expressed by sōþ (Modern English sooth)All Germanic languages besides English have introduced a terminological distinction between truth "fidelity" and truth "factuality".

Fascinating.  

Truth ends bitterness, anger, violence.  Truth is the only access to the Father.

I'm not exactly sure how to describe what I think about truth in terms of energy.  If all thought and all matter are actually energy, perhaps truth is the energy that is vibrating at the highest frequency.  Whatever it is, it holds an element of purity.  It gives us strength. 

"Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth"

The first thing I must do when I armor up is open up. I open myself to be receptive to the good in the world, that which restores and renews. Through stillness (or simple motions) I draw in the energy of the earth and the sky. I store that energy in my lower dan tian. I honor my own past and wrap the lessons of that past around me giving me strength as I look toward the future. I am prepared. I am ready to put on the rest of the armor and anchor it in this strength. 

 

Coming Soon: Armor Up Part III, The Breastplate of Righteousness

Armor Up, Part I

A quick review of the Gospel according to Jeannine

I'm a huge fan of Nephi's advice to make the scriptures relevant to our own lives. 

... for I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning.
1 Nephi 19:23

Scripture study can be approached in many different ways. 

First:  It's important to understand the context in which that scripture was written and/or revealed.  Reading with only the perspective our own experiences limits what we can learn from that scripture.  Understanding the culture and language of the original text gives us the clearest picture of the original intent.  

Second: But, if we never ask, "How does this apply to me?  How is my life experience similar to what I see described here?" we miss out on a lot of personal revelation. 

Third:  We also need to explore what has been revealed in modern times about those scriptures.

Fourth:  Reading or listening to the views of others (leaders, teachers, scholars) gives us more perspective. 

Fifth:  And then you get the Gospel according to Jeannine (a variant of #4), which is basically coming at it from a completely different perspective.  I acknowledge and use the other options, but I don't limit myself to them.  

Here's an example:

28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek andlowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

This is one of my favorite scriptures.  I've always loved it, but a few years ago, I had a little epiphany.  "Light" in this context means not heavy, not something that will weigh us down.  When yoked with Christ, our own burdens are easier to bear.  I doubt many people would see anything else but that in that word.  But I'd been exploring light as energy, light as physical illumination, light as mental and spiritual enlightenment, and the idea that those are the same thing.  So when I read this verse again, light wasn't an adjective describing the burden, it was the noun equivalent of burden.  When I take his yoke upon me, I  am agreeing to take on his light, to become "A city that is set on an hill."

I "cannot be hid." (Matthew 5:14)

I am becoming a candlestick, giving "light unto all." (see Matthew 5:15)

You will probably never hear that taught in a Sunday School class, but it made this scripture far more powerful and meaningful to me.

Armor

So now that you understand how "the Gospel according to Jeannine" works, we move on to the real topic of this post:  Armor. 

I know it's weird, but even though I have a huge aversion to any thing violent, especially war, I also have a strange fascination with armor and weapons, specifically swords.  We can blame it on my love of Camelot and all things Arthurian.  (And then, because I'm such a nerd, of course I have to know what that armor evolved from and how armor has changed since then, so generally, it all fascinates me.) Where this fascination comes from is not as important as what I can learn from it.  

Armor is protection.  Armor gives us confidence.  Armor allows us to do things too dangerous to do unprotected.  Armor literally saves lives.

But…
(You knew it was coming.)

Even the best armor has it's drawbacks and limitations.  The lightest versions still add a burden of weight to the wearer.  Some armor limits movement or vision.  Armor sometimes gets in the way.  And we've yet to invent armor that can protect 100% of the body from every type of assault.

Yesterday I watched this wonderful Brené Brown video.  She researches shame, courage, and vulnerability.  In the contexts of creativity and relationships, when we armor up, we block ourselves off from things that will hurt us, but we also block ourselves off from the things that can give us the most joy and insight.  If you don't have time to watch the whole thing, just watch from 9:45 to 11:40.

When you armor up against vulnerability, you shut yourself off.

Read it again.  

When you armor up against vulnerability, you shut yourself off.

The Armor of God

Yay! We finally got through all the set up to the actual point of the blog!

I'm a pacifist.  Even in defense of who and what I love, I have trouble causing pain for anyone or anything.  It's so extreme that I don't kill spiders.  I catch them and then release them outside.  I believe that when you fight against something you give it power.  Going to battle emboldens the enemy.  I much prefer to promote what I love and believe than to try to destroy what I don't like.  So when we boldly sing, "Behold a Royal Army," the musician part of me loves the energy and the catchy tune, but the pacifist part of me cringes at the metaphor.  

I think that is one of the reasons I have never really appreciated Paul's exhortation to take on the whole armor of God.  Even with my fascination with armor, the war imagery was too strong and kept me from seeing what Paul was really talking about.  

I have a friend who is a Reiki Master and a Mormon.  I told her that I wanted to pick her brain sometime about energy work because I am very interested in pursuing that further in my own life.  In the course of that short conversation, she said something that totally clicked with me. She views putting on the armor of God from an energy perspective.  We didn't get a chance to discuss that more, but my brain took it and ran with it.

In qigong classes, I've learned about the Wei Qi field.  This is a good general explanation of the Wei Qi field from The Healing Qi Institute. I added the underlining for emphasis.

All living bodies generate an external field of energy called Wei Qi (pronounced "whey chee"), which translates as "protective energy." The definition of Wei Qi in Classical Chinese Medicine (CCM), Chinese Energetic Medicine or Medical Qigong is slightly different than that of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). In classical TCM texts, the Wei Qi field is seen to be limited to the surface of the body, circulating within the tendon and muscle tissues. In Medical Qigong, however, the Wei Qi field also includes the three external layers of the body's auric and subtle energy fields. This energy originates from each of the internal organs and radiates through the external tissues. There the Wei Qi forms an energy field that radiates from the entire physical body. This field of Qi protects the body from the invasion of external pathogens and communicates with, as well as interacts with, the surrounding universal and environmental energy fields.
Both internal and external pathogenic factors affect the structural formation of the Wei Qi. The internal factors include suppressed emotional influences (such as anger and grief from emotional traumas). The external factors include environmental influences when they are too severe or chronic, such as Cold, Damp, Heat or Wind, etc. Physical traumas also affect the Wei Qi field.
Any negative interchange affects the Wei Qi by literally creating holes within the matrix of the individual's external energetic fields. When left unattended, these holes leave the body vulnerable to penetration, and disease begins to take root in the body. Strong emotions, in the form of toxic energy, become trapped within the body's tissues when we hold back or do not integrate our feelings. These unprocessed emotions block the natural flow of Qi, thus creating stagnant pools of toxic energy within the body.
Medical Qigong consists of specific techniques that uses the knowledge of the body's internal and external energy fields to purge, tonify, and balance these energies. Medical Qigong therapy offers patients a safe and effective way to rid themselves of toxic pathogens and years of painful emotions that otherwise, can cause mental and physical illness. This therapy combines breathing techniques with movement, creative visualization, and spiritual intent to improve health, personal power, and control over one's own life.

The following thoughts and opinions (and those in Part II) are mine alone and do not necessarily represent the thoughts or beliefs of my church, my friend, or my qigong teachers.  They may have very different ideas about these things, but this is where my exploration took me.  

Everything is energy.  Thought.  Matter.  Spirit.  All.  

There is absolutely no reason that strengthening my Wei Qi field and strengthen my spiritual preparedness should not be one and the same. Plus, when I think of my armor as my Wei Qi field, it is no longer an impermeable barrier keeping me from love, connection, and creativity.  It interacts with energy fields around me.  

A Wei Qi field

• Protects.  
• Interacts.  
• Communicates.  

That's the kind of armor I'm interested in building.  

Part II of this blog will explore the details of my very non-Mormon approach to understanding the Armor of God.  

Growing Up

A person I very much respected once told me that I was childish.  She didn't say that I was acting in a childish manner.  She said I was childish.  It hurt, but it also confused me.

I had grown up hearing how mature I was, and I really was, both physical and mentally.  We joked that I had been born 40.  When I was 12, someone tried to sell me encyclopedias for my children.  I was the responsible one.  I was the one that could see the bigger picture.  I was the one that took care of everyone and everything.  How was any of that childish?

Years of therapy helped, but didn't really make the pain of that comment go away.  Then today, it finally hit me.  She had an impressive vocabulary and an intellect that was both dazzling and at times frightening.  But that day, she didn't have the words to say what she really meant in the way I needed to hear it.

Now that I understand, I'm a little sad that I can't tell her that I finally figured it out.  Childish was the only word she had to tell me that I was living far below my true potential and that I was not all I could be yet.  I'm finally growing up.  I'm emerging from my people pleaser, co-dependent shell.  For the first time, the world and I can finally see who I really am.  I can claim what I want and what I need and what is important to me.  I can share my truth with my head held high.

I think she'd be proud.

Processing

I'm putting this out there for the world, but I'm not sharing it all over Facebook.  Most of my FB friends will not understand this.  Plus, I'm not really in the place to logically and calmly discuss this yet.  The ones that will understand my thoughts and feelings, know where to look to find them.  I just need process, to talk about what I'm feeling and thinking.  And writing it and putting it out there for the world to see (if they can find it) is extremely therapeutic for me.

Yesterday, I got sucker punched.  Someone reached deep inside me and tore out my heart.  Add 40,000 other tired cliches here to describe the shock and pain I felt yesterday.  Click here for one of the numerous reports (this isn't just happening on blogs and FB groups) about the situation.  (Peggy also is continuing to update her story, so check back later for more.)

My first thought was, "What about me?"  I know it sounds selfish, but that was my response.  Many other people have asked the same question.  Kate and John and others like them are trying to make the church a better place for people like me that just don't fit the mold.  They were part of why I stayed.  They made it bearable.  They gave me hope.  Did I agree with all of their beliefs and methods?  No.  But they helped me to see possibility.  They started conversations about what could be.

I thought I needed to write, but the words won't come.  It's too scary to be completely vulnerable and let  the people in my life know exactly where I stand.  (I know.  You thought I had been pretty open and vocal before, but there's a lot more.  The pain goes a lot deeper.)  So I guess all I can do today is share the world of others that speak to me, share what I feel, and/or give me hope and comfort.

These words seemed to express my own thoughts.

If creating a space for people to talk about their doubts is apostasy–if even having doubts and facing them honestly is apostasy–which of us wouldn’t be subject to a church court? If praying that the Church receives the further light and knowledge we have been promised is apostasy, then who among us is not apostate? 

We are all sinners. We are all doubters. We are all seekers of signs, pleaders, petulant children desiring things of God. In the early days of the Church, the prophet diligently sought answers to these questions, and the revelations he received were canonized as scripture. 

We have lost something.

There is a lot of pain, fear, and even anger being processed in many places online.  But there's hope too.  These two posts spoke to my heart.

Fresh Courage Take

Blessed are the Peacemakers

A friend who knows nothing of this situation posted this on her timeline. Words of wisdom from one of the greats.

Where there's life, there's hope.  

I like that.

Music speaks to me and it allows me to say things that I can't quite formulate the words for on my own.

I can't get this song out of my head.


Someone else shared this.  It's been one of my favorites since the first time I heard it.


This too.


And this happened before my world imploded yesterday.


And these beautiful words of wisdom.

And this.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

In all the pain, there is still all this that is beautiful and wonderful about the world.  

Religious Freedom and Other Gray Areas

Religious freedom is a hot topic right now.  It's hard not to think about it when you see Facebook posts or news stories about it daily.  But what kind of religious freedom are we talking about, and to whom does it apply? What is a legitimate way of practicing your faith, and what is violating the human rights of another?

I haven't seen any of my friends defend the stoning, beating, or killing of women whose crimes are being raped, marrying out of the faith, or bringing some other dishonor to the family.  Clearly (and rightly, in my opinion) we (mostly white, middle class, Christian, Americans) see that these things should not be protected by someone's right to practice their religion as they believe it.  

Where do you draw the line?

I often hear from both sides of an issue that any compromise is a slippery slope.  We want to keep the issue purely black and white.  We want to see it as the enemy vs. those who see things my way.  But the world and life get messy.  It's really all varying shades of gray.  The friend that just posted something that to me seems vile and bigoted is also someone who shares my beliefs and feelings on many issues.  The black and white world view asks me to declare her/him friend or foe.  I can't.  

My own biggest error in the black and white thinking category is in thinking that everything would be better if we all just acknowledge the grayness of our world.  ("All" is a black and white word, which threw me into the mess I was trying to avoid.)  I've learned to value the black and white, my friends with the more extreme views on either side. Paradoxically, in declaring their extreme views, black and white thinkers open doors into the gray area for others that can't handle those extremes.  

You don't need to look any further than Mormon feminists to see proof of that.  When I saw my first post about Ordain Women, my first thought was, "OK, now they've gone too far.  They are asking for too much too fast."  But look at what happened.  Conversations started.  It's true that some were filled with hate or fear, but people were talking.  People pushed back, and as white as they were trying to stay, they stepped into what had previously been gray or even dark gray territory.  Women who considered themselves moderate or even super conservative Mormons are now claiming as truth many things that would have labeled them as liberal feminists just 10 years ago.

As crazy as it makes me sometimes, I think we need the black and white thinkers.  Although I wish they would sometimes do it in kinder ways, I appreciate people that aren't afraid to say, "Hey, there's a problem with this."  We need to hear where the slippery slope may lead if we are to make informed choices about those issues.  For example, when infant formula was becoming a viable alternative to breast-feeding, it was promoted as a way to help babies in developing counties get better nutrition than they could from the breast milk of their possibly starving or nutrient deprived mothers. That's a fabulous idea! Right? It was, until those mothers starting mixing the formula powders with contaminated water, causing the deaths of the children they were trying to help.  (By the way, when it comes to the breast-feeding or formula I'm firmly in the camp of letting mothers make the decisions that are best for them and their babies.  Breast-feeding is awesome and has many benefits, but sometimes formula is the only option that makes sense under the circumstances.)

We need people who will stand up and tell their own stories and share the reasons that they have concerns about issues.  The more we know about all sides, the better choices we can make.

In the United States, there have been several recent court cases involving businesses that would not provide services, products, or complete health care coverage.  The owners claim that to do so would violate their own religious beliefs.  I do sympathize with these owners, but at the same time, I worry about the slippery slope.  I think it's easy to say that a gay couple can go to another bakery to get their wedding cake.  Why should we force someone to bake a cake for a celebration that he/she doesn't believe in?  I get that.

On the other hand, what about the person that owns the only grocery store in 100 miles?  Can he/she tell the lesbian living next door that she can't shop at his/her store?  What about the doctor whose religion forbids sex outside of marriage?  Can she/he refuse to treat a single mother if there is no other doctor that could get there in time to save her life?

Earlier I mentioned stoning a woman and said that most people I know would say that that was going too far.  But what about a husband disciplining his wife with spanking?  What about child brides?  What about telling a woman that she must obey her husband?  What about teaching that someone's marriage isn't valid in the eyes of God?  All of those things could be defended as a religious practice.  And all of them carry the potential for tragedy.  Do we step in and stop it, or do we say that they are willing participants who have made a choice that we must respect?

What do you do when the right to choose your own religion is infringed upon by someone else's religion?  Last week we heard this story of a woman on death row because her Muslim relatives and government says she should be a Muslim, not a Christian.  Less extreme, but still a conflict, we see this story of a church suing because the current laws (heavily influenced by another religion) do not allow them the right to perform marriages for people that they think should be married.

Where do we draw the line?  I don't have the answer.  I don't think there is a solid answer.  I think we keep asking the questions and we keep moving that line, hopefully in the long run finding something better than what we have now.

I love my friends whose extreme views sometimes make me want to pull my hair out or scream.  I need you.  I need you to show me the things that I can't see from my own limited world view.  I need you to plant ideas in my head that I had never considered.  I need you to remind me that I have the need, the right, and the responsibility to speak out.

I also need two other things from my extreme friends.  I don't know that I will get them, but I'm asking anyway.  First, please stop calling the other side evil or labeling them liars.  Mostly, they are people just like you that are passionate about what they believe.  (Plus, for every act of the other side that you call out as evil or lying, I can find an equal offense from your side.) Second, listen patiently to my story or the stories I can share from the other side.  I'm not asking you to change, just to listen and try to understand a perspective different from your own.

I love my friends whose personalities, experiences, and/or courage allow them to  live with me in the messy world of the gray area.  They help me see that I am not alone.  That I am not crazy.  And  that I can make a difference.  We are the ones called to create unity.  The extremists might never cross the neutral zone separating their territories, but we can stand there, join hands with each other and with those on both sides of the divide, and be the links that unite us as a human family.  

The Answer is Love

Warning:  Super long post with numerous links to long posts, videos, etc. Give it some time.  I think you'll find that it's worth it.  

I've been struggling with something for many years, but recent events have brought it to the forefront again.  I've always been the person in the middle, the one who could see both the gifts and the pain on both sides of any issue.  I've stayed with the church of my youth (even through a lot of pain and a lot of situations where actions were taken that I don't agree with) because I can also see a lot of good and beauty and truth (and to be completely honest, mostly because I thinking leaving would hurt a lot of people I care about.)

Today, I am writing more to help me remember and process these things than to convince anyone else.  But, (and there is always a but with me) I also think that I am called to build bridges, to help people understand the other side, and if this post does even a little of that, I will be very happy.

Today, I am sharing both situations that frustrate me and make me want to leave, and those moments when I have heard or read things that seem to be saying, "Stay and make it better."  Because I am both a survivor of abuse, and a person with tendencies towards co-dependency, it is very important to me to figure out how to deal with this.  Part of me says "Get away and don't let them hurt you anymore."  Another part of me says, "But maybe by staying, you can bring them into the light." Am I really called to be a peacemaker and to help people understand these things, or am I just throwing myself back into abusive situations?

The LDS Church and the LGBT Community

In October of 2010, President Boyd K. Packer delivered a controversial address at the LDS General Conference.  While many church member saw it as love filled, many LGBT friends (those both in and out of the church) and their families and friends were hurt by it.  
I wrote this post in response.  

The same-sex couple I reference in that post are now married (although currently Utah does not recognize the marriage) with 2 beautiful children.   You can see their beautiful family and read more about their struggles to be recognized as a family here.  They are a family. There is love and beauty and strength in their family.  Right now, my church is fighting with words, time, and money to ensure that the love and bonds of this family mean nothing, to make them less than human in the eyes of the law.  I can't do that.  I will not do that.  I will stand with these beautiful people that I love.  

Women and the Church

I've addressed feminism and the Ordain Women movement in previous posts, including this one.  

I'm not a member of Ordain Women, but I know enough members and have heard enough of their stories to really feel compassion and love for these sisters and brothers.  Many people involved in Ordain Women are temple recommend holding members who serve in callings and attend church weekly. They are not apostates.  There may be one or two of them that sit next to you in church every week.  

Or maybe they don't sit next to you, because their voices weren't heard, and rather than listening to their pain and "comfort[ing] those who stand in need of comfort," we pushed them out the door.  Yes, part of the criticism of Ordain Women is true. There are some in the group that have left the church, or that remain on the fringes of the church (often because of the issues they bring up when they talk about why we need ordination.) I am not a member of Ordain Women because as close as I am to leaving the church, I don't feel like it is my battle to fight.  (Feel free to ask me more questions about this in a private setting.)

In what has been perceived as a reactionary movement, Mormon Women Stand has exploded on the scene.  Again, I have many friends involved in this group and I respect their choice to be involved.  While I appreciate the group's efforts to share the best of the gospel and to stand for truth and righteousness, their own "About" page tells me that I am not welcome.  

Discussions focused on questioning, debating, and doubting gospel principles do little to build the kingdom of God.

I am full of doubts and questions, and I need to talk about deep things, debate them even, to really, fully understand them.  I need to talk about the hard things, and I need to listen to others who have similar needs.  That is how I can best build the kingdom of God.  

(As a side note, sometimes I want to physically grab members of both groups, shake them silly, and then say, "This!  Look at this particular item! Can't you see that you're both saying the same thing here, but arguing that the other side doesn't get it?!"  More on that another time.)

Watching Others Go

My FB friend statistics make me sad sometimes.  Many (maybe even most) of my Mormon friends from my high school and college years have left the church, often because their voices were not heard and their experiences were not accepted, affirmed, or even acknowledged.  In some cases these people were even abused, shunned, and demonized.  

But my sadness isn't all about them leaving and missing out.  It's mostly about how much peace and happiness I see in their lives now.  It's about how brave I see them being as they choose their paths with integrity.  It's about me being sad that I have not been strong enough to do the same thing.  

A few months ago, another family that I love decided that their spiritual needs would best be served in a religious community whose views are more in line with the family's views of LGBT rights and women's issues.  They were kind of my anchors.  If they could sit though the difficult stuff, so could I.  But now they're gone.  Is it my time to step away too?

More Same-Sex Marriage Stuff

Last week I opened FB to see one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen.  (Seriously, these people glowed even more than Michelle and Kathy and their kids do in that picture from the Huffington post that I linked above.)  It was a picture of my dear, sweet friend and her beautiful wife, announcing their marriage.  Unlike Kathy and Michelle, these wonderful women no longer have to fight to have their family acknowledged, at least not legally.  Their marriage came just slightly more than a year after same-sex marriage became legal in Minnesota.  In the past year, I have watched so many friends take that joyous step that was for so long denied to them. 

The FB picture (and all it represented for me) was so beautiful that I keep going back to it again and again.  It still makes me cry tears of joy.  And I can't wrap my head around why some people think that this love is wrong. I just can't.  Yes, I've read all the arguments, but my head and my heart and the Spirit tells me that God loves these women and is happy for the peace and strength this will bring to their lives.  

And the Internet Rips My Heart Out Yet Again

#YesAllWomen
I tried to avoid the stories about the shooting, but I couldn't avoid what grew out of one response.  I first encountered the hashtag #YesAllWomen in a closed FB group.  Some of the women there have told their stories before, but in the safety of this closed group, some spoke their fears and horrors for the first time.  

If you want to know more, check FB or Twitter where the stories are probably still trending.  

Or you can read these stories shared by Mormon women.  #YesEvenMormonWomen

And Then I Heard a Message of Hope...

Maya Angelou, a strong woman with a beautiful soul passed away this week. As I read and listened to her words in the many posts honoring her this week, I was reminded that I don't have to stay in the bitter situations that beat me down and hurt my soul. I am strong enough to take charge of my own life, to step away from and rise up from those people and situations that don't reflect who I am and what my mission in life is. Even if you don't click on any of the other links in this post, click on this one and hear the beautiful words in her own voice.

Still I Rise

Everything I've mentioned so far in this post seems to say, "Run far and run fast.  Embrace the beauty and truth and love awaiting you if you can get out of the church now."

But These Things Happened Too...

Read or watch this whole address by Joyce DiDonato at Juilliard's commencement.  She spoke to my heart.  The world does need me, and maybe the church does too.  

The world needs you. Now, the world may not exactly realize it, but wow, does it need you. It is yearning, starving, dying for you and your healing offer of service through your Art. We need you to help us understand that which is bigger than ourselves, so that we can stop feeling so small, so isolated, so helpless that, in our fear, we stop contributing that which is unique to us: that distinct, rare, individual quality which the world is desperately crying out for and eagerly awaiting. We need you to remind us what unbridled, unfiltered, childlike exuberance feels like, so we remember, without apology or disclaimer, to laugh, to play, to FLY and to stop taking EVERYTHING so damn seriously. We need you to remind us what empathy is by taking us deep into the hearts of those who are, God forbid, different than us – so that we can recapture the hope of not only living in peace with each other, but THRIVING together in a vibrant way where each of us grows in wonder and joy. We need you to make us feel an integral PART of a shared existence through the communal, universal, forgiving language of music, of dance, of poetry and Art – so that we never lose sight of the fact that we are all in this together and that we are all deserving of a life that overflows with immense possibility, improbable beauty and relentless truth.

What an honor it is to share in this day with you – savor every single moment of it – and then fly out of this building, armed with the knowledge that YOU make a difference, that your art is NECESSARY, and that the world is eagerly awaiting to hear what YOU have to say. Go on, make us laugh, cry, dance, FEEL, unite, and believe in the incredible power of humanity to overcome anything.

Sometimes God/the Universe/the FB algorithms know exactly what I need to see and hear. It's been a week of synchronicity. 

A friend shared these two wonderful videos of Maya Angelou about love.

Then another friend wrote and shared this. (If you're not reading her blog on a regular basis, you should be.)

And on Friday, my visiting teachers and I had the best visit ever. One of them needed to get some plants for her yard, so we drove to a nearby nursery, where I got to see many beautiful plants. (I'm a flower nerd. Can't get enough beautiful flowers! See my FB photos.) Then we went to lunch and they shared the message on the car ride home.

To be completely honest again, I was nervous about the message they would share. You see, in May, there is no assigned visiting teaching message. Visiting Teachers are supposed to prayerfully choose a message from the talks given at April General Conference. Because I had shared my feelings about Ordain Women last month, I was kind of worried that they were going to share what many have referred to as the Priesthood smackdown. (You can read and see it here. Although there are some things that bother me, there are also a lot of wonderful things in that talk that actually make me feel better, as do these changes in the way we talk about Priesthood when we educate the Young Women.)

But back to the VT message...Anyone want to guess the topic they chose for the message this month? Yes. It was love. They chose this beautiful message titled "Love--the Essence of the Gospel." For years I've been saying that if you had to reduce the gospel of Jesus Christ to just one word, that word would be "Love." So glad to be reminded that President Monson agrees with me.

Then I went to the school for some early evening lessons. A student who graduated a couple of years ago came back for a lesson to prepare to sing at a wedding. Of course, a wedding song will have something to do with love, but not every song says this.

And A Quick Review of My FB Timeline for the Last Couple of Weeks Showed These Shares (which means it spoke to my heart)...

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

And another.

"Love, time, and honesty. You can tell what my brain has been focused on lately."  Yes, I know these kinds of things are silly and might not have any real meaning, but on some level, I do think that we see what we are looking for, the things that our focus has been on recently.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

Post by Jeannine Robinett.

And Then I Read This…

Proximity and interaction do something powerful. They force us to see how others are being affected, and perhaps see how our own actions and decisions can impact others for good or bad. This seems to be connected with the very concept of empathy. If we don’t see others, how can we fully empathize with them?

Maybe I am the "Other" at church.  And maybe, just maybe, they need me if they really want to create Zion.  

As I Near the End of this post…

Writing is therapeutic for me.  Writing is how I sort things out.  Writing is how I make my decisions.  I don't know what the future will hold, but for now, the writing has done it's job.  I've made my choice…for now.  Your choice may be different.  Down the road, my own choice may be different. But for now, the answer is Love.  That is all I can do.  I can trust in Love.  I can trust in God.  I can trust that if I listen to my soul, I will know where to be and what to do.  

And I Also Watched This (Again)…

Darmok

If you don't want to watch the whole episode, you can read the synopsis here.  

Can we find a way to communicate?  Can we work together to solve the world's and church's problems?  Can we succeed and leave the challenge together as friends?  

Sometimes I feel a little like Dathon.  Sometimes you have to do something dangerous.  Sometimes, you have to risk it all for something better…for understanding.  

Final words from the Star Trek Mormon (read here to find out why I call myself a Star Trek Mormon. And if you are not enough of a Star Trek geek to quote from the movies and TV shows in your daily life, you can see the translation here.)

Darmok on the ocean.

The beast at Tanagra.

Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.

Darmok and Jalad on the ocean.  

I Finally Watched Ender's Game

Spoilers alert!  If you haven't read or seen Ender's Game, be warned that I do talk about the end here.

Rambling alert!  This is more about me needing to process than it is about sharing coherent thoughts.  I won't be hurt if you don't continue reading.

I didn't seen Ender's Game in the theater, and today as I watched it, I was glad I never made it the theater.  I couldn't have done it.  But today, on a small laptop screen, with the ability to pause and step away for a few minutes, I got through it.

There aren't too many people who are lukewarm about Orson Scott Card. People tend to love him and his work, or boycott it (and yes, I totally understand and support their reasons for boycotting.)  For me, Orson Scott Card is very much like his amazing book, Ender's Game:  complex and challenging.

Ender's Game was recommended several years ago by a friend who knew I liked sci-fi.  It was my first encounter with Card's work, and I loved it and hated it.  There were things too real and too raw and far too familiar for me to love.  I know Peter Wiggin.  (He gets much less screen time than book time, and I am thankful that some of the Peter stuff didn't make it into the movie.)

I'm a pacifist.  I go to extreme lengths to avoid causing physical or emotional harm to anyone or anything.  I have family and friends in the military, and I support them, but at the same time, I hate that the military is necessary.

So how can I love a story about a boy who leaves an abusive home situation for an abusive military situation where he is manipulated into committing genocide against a race that might not have actually been a present threat?

I can't really remember what besides Card's writing style kept me reading all the way to the end, but the end was where I fell in love with the book.  And although in the movie, the Formic queen was not exactly how I envisioned her, she was beautiful.  And of course, the ending sets in motion all the things that take place in all the books that follow (that I totally loved) without all the pain that Ender's Game caused for me.

As I watched the movie, I thought about how unfair and damaging everything was for Ender, but how ultimately, that is what allowed him to become the person he became.  I long ago gave up the idea that things happen to us in order to create something better.  I don't think God sits back watching and says, "She needs to learn some compassion.  Let's throw this horrible tragedy at her so she can figure it out." I just don't think that that is the way it works.  Life unfolds the way it does because of our own decisions and the decisions of countless others that affect us.  God didn't look at Ender and say, "I want him to become the Speaker for the Dead, so I'll have all these people do all this stuff to make him wipe out the Formics."  Political and military leaders made the decision that eliminating the enemy was the only solution and they used Ender to achieve it.  Ender's transformation came about because of his own choices after he learned the truth.

Something else that I love about Ender's Game is that there are no easy answers.  That's also one of the reasons that I loved 24.  Jack Bauer had to make decisions and take actions that were often illegal and violent.  I hated that, but at the same time, that was what drew me to the show.

As much as some people would like us to believe otherwise, we do not live in a black and white world.    It's mostly varying shades of gray, and you may see a different shade depending on where you are viewing it from.  All we can do is tell our stories, make our voices heard, speak for those who can not speak for themselves, and help others to understand that life is complex and challenging, and that the beauty comes as we struggle to make our way through the muck that life puts in our path.