My Major Achievement

I have a Master's degree in Vocal Performance. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears went into that degree, and I am very proud of what I accomplished. But I'm even more proud of what I accomplished today.

Today I completed my instructor certification for Tai Chi for Arthritis, Seated Tai Chi, and Tai Chi for MS. In so many ways, this was a major achievement for me. As a child, I was a high academic achiever and excelled in music. Those were my things I did well. I don't know that anyone ever really said that I was bad at physical things, but they definitely were not where my strengths were focused. I was taller and heavier than most kids and although I was sufficiently coordinated enough to play the piano, that coordination didn't seem to transfer to the recess games of kick ball or jump rope. I played. I did OK, sometimes, but I was never really good at it. And a part of me needed to be really good, so I focused my time and energy on the things that I knew I was good at. I had a teacher that would sometimes let me stay in during recess to do other academic things. I loved it, and appreciate the fact that she helped me succeed there, but now, I kind of wish she had forced me to go out and play more.

I remember very distinctly our reading out loud sessions in my first grade class. Why do I remember them? Because I feared them. Every kid sat waiting for Jeannine to make a mistake and I was terrified that I would. From an adult perspective, I can see that the kids just wanted me to be more human, instead of super-human. If I made a mistake, it would be OK for them to make one too. But my child mind began to fear anything less than perfection.

Telling someone, "Do your best," is not always a wise idea. I knew that I had the potential to perform at a very high level. If I just pushed myself hard enough for long enough I could do it. But what people don't say enough is "Do the best you can under the present circumstances." In fact, it's easy for a teacher to see someone not really working to their full potential and push them harder without fully understanding the reasons why they are not working well, or how the words we use to push will actually affect the student. In fifth grade, we had a big project to do. I can't even remember exactly what the purpose was, but I remember the comment my teacher wrote. "You have met the requirements for an A, but I expected more from you." And my tender child's ego read that as 93% was not good enough. I was not good enough. Anything less than 100% and perfection was not good enough.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to actually achieve anything of importance when you are practically paralyzed with the fear of not being perfect? Somehow I managed to earn my Associate's, Bachelor's and Master's degrees in a field where people love to tell you how not perfect you are. In fact, we joke that the classes of your Freshman year as a music major are all about getting you to change your major to something else. And sadly, I'm not really sure it is a joke.

I chose to not pursue university positions where I could teach music majors because I didn't want to have to tell my students that they weren't good enough and they weren't doing enough. I choose to teach in a high school where the department philosophy is that every student, regardless of perceived talent, can learn and grow from choir and voice lessons. I had a wonderful teacher and mentor early on that taught people not voices. The person in front of her, and how they felt about themselves and about music was more important to her than that student's skill level. That was the kind of teacher I wanted to be. Of course I love teaching the really good kids that I can really get into the details with, but some of the most rewarding teaching I do is with students of "average" or "below average" talent. And yes, I put those terms in quotes for a reason. The more I study about how people learn, the more convinced I become that those that we label "average" or "below average" simply have not had the exposure, instruction, and practice time that the "stars" have had. We all learn at different rates and I really believe that with time and guidance, "average" people can do amazing things.

As one of my non-music courses for my undergraduate degree, I took a course called Sociology and Health. During that class we view Bill Moyers' "Healing and the Mind." I was fascinated. That series and the other things we discussed in that class opened my mind to new ways of thinking about health and healing. I especially loved the segment on Tai Chi and Chinese medicine. But I was a singer, hoping to be a voice instructor, so I filed away that interest in Tai Chi in my "sometime in the future" file. Over the years, I would see a class offered through Continuing Education or Community Education and would be interested, but the time was never convenient with my schedule, and I never seemed to have the money to do it.

Then one day, the stars aligned. I was having a slightly manic* day when I'm more likely to do the things I want without really worrying about how I am going to pay for it. It was time to do something for me. That day, I signed up for a Tai Chi class, mini-medical school (another great program I want to get back to) and made a massage appointment. I was very lucky to get into a class run by a teacher certified in the Dr. Paul Lam's Tai Chi for Health program. Slowly, through very similar methods to what I was using with my voice students, she helped me get over some of that fear of not being perfect. I was a morbidly obese, uncoordinated person who often forgets which way is right and which is left, who had issues with perfectionism, and social and performance anxiety, but it didn't matter. I could learn this.

I fell in love with Tai Chi, again. Not only did it make me feel better, I was also seeing all sorts of connections to what I was doing in the voice studio. I decided that I wanted to dig deeper. I wanted to become a Tai Chi teacher, so I could do more than just incorporate the principals into my voice teaching. I wanted to share all of the amazing things I was learning and feeling when I did Tai Chi.

I signed up for the teacher certification class...and the anxiety and perfectionism started creeping back in. Would I be good enough? Would my obesity work against me? Would they really certify someone that looks like I do to teach a health class? With my Fibromyalgia, I wasn't even sure I would be able to endure the two day class. But I knew that all those concerns were my old demons resurfacing. (They do that on occasion.) And I knew that I had beaten them before and could do it again.

I practiced and did everything I could to give myself the best possible chance of success. The night before, I packed my bag with two different sets of shoes in case one got uncomfortable, high protein snacks, water, gatorade, kleenex, Band-Aids, cough drops, and a variety of medications for any of my issues that might be problematic that day. I also told myself (and actually believed it too) that it was OK if I didn't get the certification and just got an attendance certificate instead. There was no pressing need for me to certify immediately, and improving my Tai Chi through this focused work was enough.

I got up early in the morning and gave myself more than twice the estimated travel time to arrive at the location. And then, I couldn't find the place where I was supposed to be. First, I expected the street to be further off the freeway than it was so I drove right past it. I am really familiar with the area, so I soon realized that I had gone too far and was not where I needed to be. No big deal. I turned around and headed back, and then had several other issues. By the time I got to class, I was a mess. I had given myself lots of time, so I was still early which gave me time to think about how I could excuse myself for a few minutes if I felt like I was going to have a melt down. (Crying is not a great way to introduce yourself to new people.) Now that I think about it, I realize that I could have used EB's nosebleed strategy. Why do I always forget the good stuff when I am stressed? (If you don't know EB, you'll have to ask me to explain this to you at another time.)

I'm not a quitter, and I've forced myself to do a lot of hard things. And sometimes, that's not a completely bad thing. It kept me from getting up and leaving, and having a good cry in the car before heading home. I was determined to take from this class whatever I could. And within the first few minutes of class, the instructor had done what all good teachers should do--he created a place where I felt safe and comfortable in learning. He immediately let us know that we needed to do what felt comfortable for our bodies. That might not seem like a big deal to someone else, but I felt a huge burden lifted. I could do what I could do and that was enough. I let of my worries and just did what I needed to do. And I tried not to freak out when we took turns leading or when I knew he was watching. And even then, the anxiety level was so much lower than singing for a voice jury or even some of the voice lessons I've had.

When I sing, I deal with anxiety by focusing on what I am trying to communicate. I focus on the beauty of the words and music. And sometimes, that allows me to let go enough to really create something wonderful. I'm no longer just singing, I'm becoming the song. At the end of the day today, we did a demo of what we had learned. I did fairly well even though that stupid voice in my head kept saying, "Get it right this time. They're watching," which of course always messes you up. The awesome part though was when it was time for the group learning Part II to do their demo. Others that knew the form were invited to do it with them. I was only doing the certification for the first part, but I know the second part as well. During that demo I had one of those experience where you are not "doing" Tai Chi, but "being" Tai Chi. I really felt it. And that would have been worth all the work of the class even if I hadn't received my certificate.

__________________

*Just to clarify, it has been determined that I am do not have bipolar disorder. Those seemingly manic days (or sometimes just hours) are really the days when my fibromyalgia is not causing fatigue or cognitive difficulties and my ADD brain gets super focused on something. The excitement and enthusiasm sometimes looks like a manic episode.

Nepalese woman burned for witchcraft

http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/18/world/asia/nepal-witchcraft-burning/index.html

I find this article disturbing on many levels.

My first thought was, what year is this? How can this still be happening in our world?

Next, I thought about the freedom that we have to practice our religion. But at what point does the practice of our own religion cross the line and demand that someone say, "No. This is wrong."? Unfortunately, the answer isn't always easy.

I was sickened by what this woman suffered while her 9 year child watched.

I was shocked that the 10 attackers that were arrested included 5 women and an 8 year old child.

The whole story is disturbing, but this sentence worried me too:

"Prime Minister Baburam Bhattarai appealed to the people not to heed to shamans and faith healers."

This scares me almost as much. In the west, we have become a science-focused society, which in many ways is good, but we are so dualistic that we can't accept that shamans and faith teachers may have something of value to share with us. Connections to nature and the spiritual world do not have to be dangerous, but every time something like this happens, we say ,"See, look how horrible that is." And we forget the atrocities that have been committed in the name of science.

How can we find and use the best of both worlds, while at the same time putting restraints in place so this kind of thing never happens again? Where do we draw the line for what actions are acceptable as part of a religious or spiritual practice?






-- Posted from my iPhone

I Respectfully Disagree

My friend Thom writes a great blog. And one of the things I appreciate most about his blog is that it makes me think. Sometimes he writes things with which I initially disagree, but his clear examination of the issue makes me at least think, if not revise my own views. One of Thom's recent posts really got me thinking. He talks about how we sometimes throw out our opinions on controversial topics without really considering who we might be offending. He makes some very good points.

I totally agree with this:

People who would never dream of marching around the office or grocery store spouting pro-life slogans or religious denunciations will gladly do so on Facebook–in front of many of those very same people. Not only is Facebook making us stupid, it’s making us insensitive.

I see a lot of hate on Facebook and frankly, it is upsetting. I love that one friend of mine is so positive. In fact, she occasionally posts reminders to her friends that they can post what they want on their own walls, but posts directly to her wall and comments on her posts should remain positive.

Facebook definitely has its drawbacks, but I also know how important Facebook, Twitter, and blogging have been for me in letting the world see the real me. I was always very careful about what I said or did around certain people. My church friends knew one person. My school friends knew another. People from work knew another person too. I kept my life compartmentalized. If a topic of discussion came up and I disagreed with the majority of the group I was with, I just kept quiet rather than sharing my own views. And after awhile it's hard to remember who you can say what to, so you don't say anything at all.

Social media changed that for me. The fact that I didn't have to deal with the immediate disapproval of my friends meant that it was a little safer to say what I really felt. Don't get me wrong, I still choose my words very carefully, but I think that the people that really follow my life on FB and my blog know the real Jeannine better than some people that only know me in real life. Social media can be a source of negativity and hatred. It can also help people like me to live with more integrity. The things I write will be there forever. I want what I write today to accurately represent the person I am today.

I disagree with the maxim Thom references about never discussing religion or politics. I think both need much more discussion. The problem is that we don't discuss. We state our opinion and then close our ears while someone else states theirs. We don't really listen and we don't try to understand. We know that our side is right and theirs is wrong, and we leave the "discussion" knowing no more than we did before. My personal opinion is this: when considering some of the current issues facing our country, if you aren't feeling at least a little conflicted about your choice, you don't know enough about the other side yet.

I want you to share your opinions, views, and beliefs with me. And I want to share mine with you. And then I want to talk about the things that brought us to those conclusions. And then, I want it to be OK for both of us to say "thank you, but I respectfully disagree," and no one gets offended and friends stay friends. We may even learn something from each other. Is that really so impossible?

This last quote from Thom brings up the most important issue of any communicating we do, whether in person or online. It's all about respect, people.

This country has no chance of ever solving its problems so long as we refuse to accord others the same respect we demand for ourselves. Social media makes it very easy to demand. But respect is increasingly harder to come by.

Finally, I want to share with you something that I found very beautiful. I totally agree with her. But that doesn't mean you need to. You may disagree. I will not be offended. And if you're not ashamed to know me, I will still be your friend.

Don't Look Down

I love this quote from Dr. Paul Lam about looking down, and I will definitely be sharing it with my voice students.

"The eye is the energy of the spirit - the window of the mind. Often you will notice people practicing tai chi with their eyes downcast, like this as I show you Chen style Single Whip movement. This will lower your internal energy. Now look where the direction of the energy lies, you can feel your energy being stronger and more wholesome. The principle is to connect your vision with your internal energy. Looking down is actually a part of human nature. All of us at times feel unsure of ourselves, and we tend to look down which will lower our energy. To be aware of this is easy but it is challenging to do well. However, no matter what level of tai chi you are at, if you are aware and focus on this principle, you will improve. When your visual direction is right, your energy will be stronger, your tai chi, posture and feeling about yourself improve."

I teach my students to avoid looking down because it cuts off the audience. They can't see and connect with your facial expressions. I had never connected looking down with a change in energy, although now it seems obvious.

Compare that to this: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up

Any similarities?

I've always believed that inspiration and enlightenment are actual energies as opposed to just ideas. When we "look where the direction of our energy lies" we grow stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Looking down, on the other hand, literally weakens us and reinforces negative attitudes (both our own attitudes, and the attitudes of others about us).

Wow.



-- Posted from my iPhone

One More Time

I'm sure I've written this blog at least twice before, maybe more times than that. If you really wanted to, you could look through the blog history and find the other blogs. I'm hoping this is the last time, but it may not be.

Today, I am giving up sugar, caffeine, and junk food. I've done it before, so I know it's possible. I even went a year without chocolate. Actually I've done it twice. I'm not lying! And after the first few weeks, I don't even miss it all that much.

I feel so much better without all that garbage, but here's what happens: some well-meaning person tries to tell me about moderation in all things, that it's OK to have a little. Sorry. Doesn't work that way in my life. One brownie means that I can have a cookie the next day, and then it's peanut butter m&ms, and then buying a bag of m&ms or cookies is cheaper, and then before I know it I can't go a day without my fix. And that fix is no longer just one or a few, it is a major binge.

You wouldn't tell an alcoholic to have just one drink. You wouldn't tell a recovering drug addict to use their drug of choice but just occasionally. So please, help me and don't talk to me about moderation. For me this is an all or nothing situation.

I hope it works this time. I hope that I enjoy today's pizza, chocolate, and diet Dr. Pepper and then they remain just happy memories. But I'm realistic enough to know that that it might not work out that way. I may be back here writing this post again. But I won't give up. So, to wrap things up today, I'm going to share a quote from somebody really smart--me.

A mistake is not failure. Slipping back into old habits is not failure. The only true failure is when we give up and quite trying to be better.

I Have a Secret

OK, it's not that big of a secret, but it is something that a lot of people don't know about me and would probably not expect from a voice teacher.

I don't crave the spotlight. Most singers I know do. Yes, some deal with performance anxiety which creates a love/hate relationship with performing, but they cope because whatever negatives they experience are worth the thrill they feel on stage in front of an audience or the joy of being the center of attention.

I have to sing, but I could easily live without performing. I sing for the joy it brings me. I sing becauses there is beautiful music just begging to be sung. I sing because it helps me understand who I am.

I perform because it is good for me to remember the fears and vulnerabilities involved in performing. How can I teach a student to deal with that if I haven't done it myself?

I perform because not performing seems like I'm being ungrateful for the marvelous gifts I've been given, both the gifts of my ability and the gifts of the songs themselves.

I perform because of the relationships formed through performance. Some of the people I love the most in this world are people I have shared the stage with. The smell of the theatre makes me homesick, not for the spotlight, but for the people and the experiences.

I perform because I know that my voice and the messages I bring have the power to affect others. And if I can help bring joy or peace to someone, I figure it is worth all the anxiety that comes with my performing.

And lastly, I perform because songs were written to be heard. Yes, I've had some moments of incredible beauty in the practice rooom. Yes, I have had transcendent experiences singing alone. But music, as it was intended, and when it is the most profound is when the energies of the creators (composers and poets), the realizers (singers, players, conductors) and the listeners (audience) unite and feed each other. It's not as common as some would like to think, but when it happens, that experience is like no other. And that, most of all, is why I continue to perform. I walk on stage not to sing, but to become music.




-- Posted from my iPhone

I Really Need Some Sleep

When I don't sleep well, which happens quite frequently, especially over the past month, I have really strange dreams. Often, they give me great ideas for sci-fi/fantasy stories. Sometimes, they are about escaping from someone who is trying to kill me. But last night's dream was by far the strangest ever.

Apparently, I'm more worked up about the current political situation than I thought I was. It was deep, with many sub-plots, but basically I was having an affair with a Presidential candidate. I really loved him, but could see how wrong he was for the country, so I allowed myself to be convinced to help some people gather evidence of his illegal business practices. And he was doing illegal things and there was plenty of evidence. The plan was to expose him, but if that was not enough to end his campaign, I would come forward about the affair.

Just for the record, in real life, I have never had and will never have an affair with a politician. And if I can't get my sleep patterns adjusted and have "normal" dreams again, I think I'd prefer the escaping from murderers kind.




-- Posted from my iPhone