One More Time

I'm sure I've written this blog at least twice before, maybe more times than that. If you really wanted to, you could look through the blog history and find the other blogs. I'm hoping this is the last time, but it may not be.

Today, I am giving up sugar, caffeine, and junk food. I've done it before, so I know it's possible. I even went a year without chocolate. Actually I've done it twice. I'm not lying! And after the first few weeks, I don't even miss it all that much.

I feel so much better without all that garbage, but here's what happens: some well-meaning person tries to tell me about moderation in all things, that it's OK to have a little. Sorry. Doesn't work that way in my life. One brownie means that I can have a cookie the next day, and then it's peanut butter m&ms, and then buying a bag of m&ms or cookies is cheaper, and then before I know it I can't go a day without my fix. And that fix is no longer just one or a few, it is a major binge.

You wouldn't tell an alcoholic to have just one drink. You wouldn't tell a recovering drug addict to use their drug of choice but just occasionally. So please, help me and don't talk to me about moderation. For me this is an all or nothing situation.

I hope it works this time. I hope that I enjoy today's pizza, chocolate, and diet Dr. Pepper and then they remain just happy memories. But I'm realistic enough to know that that it might not work out that way. I may be back here writing this post again. But I won't give up. So, to wrap things up today, I'm going to share a quote from somebody really smart--me.

A mistake is not failure. Slipping back into old habits is not failure. The only true failure is when we give up and quite trying to be better.

My Christmas Vacation

Every time I get a few days away from work, I have a huge list of things that I want to get done. And almost always, I return to work without accomplishing as much as I had hoped. It used to frustrate me and I felt a lot of anxiety in the last 12 hours or so before returning to work. I'm learning to let go of that. My house isn't clean yet, but I had a good break. And, I have a full fridge and freezer, the laundry is almost done, and I already prepped for lessons tomorrow, so the most important things are done.

As I packed to go to my parents' house, I purposely packed lightly knowing that I could do laundry there and that I needed to save room in the suitcase for the presents I would be bringing home. When I got to their house, I found out that their washer was broken. Great! My brother ordered a part, but we all ran out of clean clothes and towels before the part arrived. It's a good thing my parents have a minivan, because we filled it with laundry to take to the laundromat. My mom and dad and I spent the morning at the laundromat. It was actually kind of fun, but also reminded me how glad I am to have a washer and dryer in my home. I don't miss the days of having to go to the laundromat. Their washer was fixed by the time I left, but I didn't get a chance to do laundry there, so I brought home a suitcase full of dirty clothes. The last load just went in the dryer.

Health problems and work schedules changed some of our usual ways of celebrating. We still went to see the lights in the park, but Dad and one brother didn't come because they both have back problems and have trouble sitting that long. We almost always go to a movie together, but the ones that looked good were too long for the guys with the bad backs and the other brother with kidney stones. My sister-in-law had to work on Christmas, so we did our dinner and opened presents on Christmas Eve. I did kind of like that, although we didn't do our usual Christmas Eve singing. Christmas was quieter and calmer.

The really great part of Christmas was that even though I received lots of foods on my "don't eat" list as gifts and stocking stuffers, I didn't eat any(quietly snuck them into the communal bowl) and came home without gaining any more weight. Yeah! Plus, I didn't have to worry about the pain and emotional roller coaster that comes when I have too much sugar.

During my break, I rested (a lot), read 3 books and part of another, watched hours of TV (I figure it's OK to waste a lot of time like this during break since I don't even own a TV), ran errands and went shopping with my parents, memorized two more songs for my recital, and had several fun game nights with the family. They get together once a week for family night, so they get to play a lot of games all year, but I'm only there once a year, so they humor me and play more than once a week. This year, my brother bought the family Phase 10 Twist. We love Phase 10 and have played it for years, but sometimes it takes way to long to finish a game. This is somewhat shorter, and still a lot of fun. I think I laugh more during family game nights than any other time during the year. Laughter is good.

This next year will bring a lot of changes for my family. My dad will probably take an early retirement at the end of the year for health reasons. Dad is talking about moving soon after that because of the high cost of living where they are now. Mom teaches music lessons and would like to continue for a few more years, but is concerned about giving up all her current students and starting over in a new place. It takes a long time to build a studio. I guess I'll know more about there plans in the spring.

My parents' health problems also make me wonder more about my future. At some point, I will probably need to move closer to them to help take care of them. Like my mom, I am concerned about starting over in a new place and the fact that it takes several years to build a studio large enough to take care of my financial obligations. Plus, the kind of work that I do here--actually working within a high school choral program--just doesn't exist there. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But right now, I need to quit writing and get ready to be a great teacher tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Putting Happy Back in My Holidays

I went through several years where I despised the month of December. Yes you read that right. I hated Christmas. It's also the month of my birthday. The two biggest celebrations of the year in the same month, and I hated that month.

When I was in college, somehow my birthday almost always fell during finals week. Happy Birthday! Not! My birthday month was connected with stress and sleep deprivation.

As I left school and began my life as a working professional, other stressors entered the December fun. How do I pay for the plane ticket home, or if I don't go home will they all be mad? What do I buy for family members that I only see once a year and don't really know all that well anymore? Oh yeah, and it can't cost very much. Then there were years when 1 or more of the grandparents were living with my parents and there were simply too many adults in the same house. When I couldn't handle the conversation (if you could call it that) I'd get up and go to the kitchen for some fudge. I ate a lot of fudge one year.

Then there is all the stress of holiday performances, both my own and those of my students. Then there are all the parties to go to, some of which I enjoy, but all of which take time that I wish I could use for other things.

OK, this post is not really about all the horrible things about the holidays. It's really about what I've been doing and what I'm planning to do this year to reclaim the joy of the holiday season and let go of some of the stress.

First we have to get through Thanksgiving. I'm doing things a little differently this year. OK, a lot different. I'm doing the eat-too-much-wonderful-food thing this week. And then I am spending Thanksgiving alone. No, please do not feel sorry for me and invite me over. I want to do this. I am choosing it. Rather than waiting for January 1, Thanksgiving Day is the day that I am starting a new phase of my life. And I will be celebrating quietly at home. I'm putting together a list of music that I want to list to that reminds me of all the wonderful things that I am thankful for. So far the list includes Mahler's "Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen"(I have a couple of really good performances of it that I will be listening to), John Denver's "It Amazes Me", and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Mack Wilberg's setting of Oliver Wendell Holmes text," Thou Gracious God, Whose Mercy Lends". Feel free to send recommendations of other songs to add to the list.

I've decided not to let myself get stressed this December. My calendar is currently as full as I'm going to allow it to be. I'm emailing the family to find out what everybody needs and/or wants for Christmas. Then I at least have some ideas. I'm going to listen to Christmas music--good Christmas music--everyday. I might even decorate this year. If it's all still up in April, you can come over and help me put it away.

What I'm not going to do in December is let the sugar control my life. Yes I love it, but it really doesn't love me, and I'm pretty sure that the world doesn't love me much when I've had too much sugar. So, this year, the holidays are not going to be about food. I'm going to find other ways to celebrate that don't involve food, caffeine, or alcohol. I'm going to do things that make me happy.

Finding Balance

I think balance is like perfection, and not totally achievable in this life. But that shouldn't stop us from working toward it.





My life is far more balanced than it has ever been. I'm happier. I'm a better teacher. I feel better. I've been really pleased with my recent goals to do at least some singing practice and exercise every day. Somedays it's very little, but it's something and I feel good about it. In those areas of my life I'm doing a much better job.





I'm also getting better at limiting work. OK, considering the hours I've put in in the last couple of weeks, it doesn't look like it, but let me tell you about some of my new successes. First, I set limits as to how late I would teach and decided not to teach on Saturdays. I've set general guidelines before, but if a student I really wanted to work with needed a time that was inconvenient for me, I would let them have that time. For the first time ever, I was able to fill my school day schedule the way I wanted it. That allows me to be pickier about the after school lessons. Today I also noticed when I was getting tired and made a list of the things that I didn't get to so I can do them at some other time. In the past, I would just stay and work and make myself sick.





Now to the areas I'm not doing so well in. I think I either ate out or stopped at the grocery store for a ready to eat meal nearly every day this week. This is not good for my budget or my diet. But, until I get even better at limiting my work and stopping when I start to get tired, it's not going to change. Sometimes by the time I leave work I just don't have the energy to go home and cook. And if I just don't eat, I get sick. Also, in that exhausted state, the foods I usually want are not usually the ones that I know my body really needs. I've managed to stay pretty good about getting my minimum of 5 fruits and veggies a day, but the sugar and fat consumption has been out of control. Yes, I know I quit, but a couple of weeks ago I thought that one cookie wouldn't hurt. Someone please remind me that this is one area of my life that I can't work for moderation, but need to just completely avoid that garbage.





The thing is, I'm an addict. I know that in the long run I feel much worse from all the sugar, etc., but when I don't feel well, there is nothing and I mean nothing that makes me feel as good. And it's not even the chemical reaction from the sugar. It's the process of eating. I feel better before the sugar has even hit my stomach.

So, if I can manage to get the exercising, practicing, and eating all working well at the same time, what else in my life is going to fall out of balance?

Several years ago, the theme of a church meeting I attended was "Finding Balance". The first 2 speakers were 20 years old (give or take a year) and ensured us that balance was totally possible if we just did A,B, and C. The next speakers were a couple with small children who told us that balance was difficult but something that should be possible. At this point, I was rather discouraged instead of inspired. The last speaker was older and had had much more life experience. His was the council I needed to hear. He said that when he noticed that he was spending too much time with work and not enough with th family, that he would shift his focus more to his family. Then he would notice that he wasn't doing all he should with his church assignment,so he'd shift focus again and on and on. Some on the congregation may have been discouraged to hear that this man we all respected couldn't manage to get his life in balance. I found it refreshing. To me, he was saying, "It's not going to be perfect. Just keep trying."

So, I'm going to follow that advice and do the only thing I really can do and just keep trying.

Goodbye old friends (Quitting--part II)

I don't have much profound to say, but wanted to report that since the last post, I haven't had candy, cake, pie, cookies, chocolate (yes, I consider it a category completely separate from candy), chips, fries, or caffeine. However, I did have a whole loaf worth of peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches on Wonder White Bread during those first few days, so technically my sugar consumption was still pretty high. The good news is, I know I'm over the worst. The bad news is, I can never go back. My body just can't do these in moderation. I can either never eat them and be perfectly happy (and I was before) or I can eat them non-stop. It gets really scary. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, double chocolate fudge brownies, Nacho Cheese Doritos, diet Dr. Pepper, Double Stuff Oreos--they will only be memories now.

Now I just need to renew my relationship with an old friend--the gym. I really love to exercise. People laugh when I say that, but I do. I love the way it makes me feel. I love getting all sweaty and gross (if I don't have to go anywhere other than the gym). The gym and I were good friends before I got so busy last year and would come home too late and too exhausted to move.

Another Facebook friend (and relative) just won a 5K in her age group. My knees can't take running that far (there is a knee problem unrelated to my weight problem), but I'm inspired by the number 5. My goal is to walk it.

Quitting

A friend just announced on Facebook her intention to quit smoking. She has friends rallying around her to give her encouragement and support. And I love that the first person that commented said how much better she would feel. It's easy to find all the reasons not to smoke--it's disgusting, gross, causes health problems, etc. But her friend chose not to emphasize how bad her current smoking is. She chose to show how good the choice to quit is. I love that.

I think one of the errors of many religious groups is that they choose to tell people how evil they are, rather than showing them the benefits of changing their ways. Don't tell me how awful I am. Show me how happy you are with the choices you have made. OK, I'm getting a little off topic. Before this turns into a full blown rant, I'd better get back to my original point in posting.

My friend's choice to quit smoking inspires me. If my friend can give up nicotine, surely I can give up sugar (again). I know that I can't be a responsible sugar "user" so I'm done. I know I'm happier and feel better without it. I choose this not because someone else said I should, but because it is right for me. I choose it because I want to be healthy and happy. I choose it because it is a step in the right direction.