Looking Forward

Today has been a really good day. The sunrise was beautiful and for most of the day, the sun was shining and the sky was blue--a very positive way to start this new phase of my life. The last few days I have been impressed by the beauty of the sunrises, sunsets, and other small things. That is something that I want to continue for the rest of my life. I want to recognize and get excited by beauty every day.

I'm old enough and experienced enough to really understand now that I have limitless opportunities to start over. Sure, there are consequences when I can't maintain my goals, but even those can't stop me from trying again. I am no longer crushed by failures or depression. I know that the difficult times are only temporary. I will get through it and there is something better on the other side.

Fibromyalgia has really been a wonderful gift. It reminds me that I need to care for myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. It lets me know if I've missed too many days at the gym. It lets me know if I've overloaded my schedule with things for other people, leaving no time to take care of me. It reminds me that I can do anything, I just can't do everything right now. It also reminds me to review my personal goals and desires and not get caught up trying to do and be what everyone else wants me to be. Fibromyalgia is my friend, a friend that asks me, actually demands, that I take care of myself. And when I don't, it reminds me, first gently, and then not so gently, sometimes forcing me to abandon any other plans to get the rest I need.

I really do not know what my future will hold. Right now I have work that I love and people that I love to work with. I hope to continue with that as long as possible, but I also know that if I am forced to do something else, somewhere else, I can find a way to make it work and find happiness in that.

I am so much more at peace than I was several years ago, and I'm really hoping that that continues into my future. I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want. Now I'm trying to live that life with integrity--to say and do, not what the world wants me to say or do, but what I know in my heart is part of who I am.

Awhile back I posted on one of my blogs about the theme songs of my life. I've had some special songs that carried me through difficult times and inspired me. I couldn't think of anything that really fit where I am in my life now. Then a few weeks later, I heard my song. I've actually known it for several years, but it had always been just a song, not a contender for one of the theme songs of my life. So here it is, and this is how I hope to live the rest of my life.

"I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles
I am what I am
I am my own special creation.
So come take a look,
Give me the hook or the ovation.
It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."
I am what I am,
I don't want praise, I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum,
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty.
And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,
Why not try to see things from a diff'rent angle?
Your life is a sham 'til you can shout out loud
I am what I am!
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.
There's one life, and there's no return and no deposit;
One life, so it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not worth a damn 'til you can say,
"Hey world, I am what I am!"

I'm proud of the things I've accomplished, even if I'm not where the rest of the world thinks I should be. I am in a place that makes me happy. I am doing work that is important and that I love. It's not about what they think about me. It's about what I think about me. And I think I have a wonderful future ahead of me. This is going to be a great year. Happy Birthday to me!

Theme songs

I just read a blog from a singer about what she learned about herself by looking at the songs she was drawn to. It made me think about my "theme songs".

To be honest, I can only think of two of them at the moment, but I want to share them with you. When I was in college, I discovered the musical The Secret Garden, and "Hold On" became my theme song. Sometimes I heard a dear friend sing it to me, and sometimes I was singing it to myself. Those were very dark years in my life. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that there was something better down the road. "Child, hold on, it's this day, not you, that's bound to go away."

The year 2000 was a major turning point in my life. "Hold On" was still my theme for a few more years, but soon it was replaced by "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I felt energized and enthused and ready to take on the world. I was making my own choices, finding my own path and I no longer felt that I had to live up to the expectations of everyone else.
"Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap!"

I'm still working on finding my own path, but "Defying Gravity" isn't really my theme song anymore. I'm not sure what is. I'm in a calmer place now, no longer fighting to survive, or fighting to live my own life.

I have some favorite songs, like Mahler's "Ich bin der Welt Abhanden Gekommen", but I'm not sure that I would really call it a theme song. And I love the Brahms, Strauss, and Puccini I'm working on now, but the despair and loss most of them present are also not where my life is now.

I'm not sure this is my theme song, but today it makes me happy. John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders"
Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high.

I love the sun and hope more sunny days are on the way.