Finding Light and Hope: Elder Holland Talks about Depression

With this post I begin a new series (that hopefully I'll actually continue) sharing moments of light and hope.  My friend Stephanie at diapersanddivinity.com shared this list of quotes from General Conference and inspired me to make my own.  

When I shared my idea with a few friends, someone pointed out Michael Otterson's quote in this article.

General Conference is not to be understood through sound bites, especially when people take a sentence here and there and try to justify their own political agendas. That reflects a very poor level of spiritual maturity.

To Bro. Otterson and others who may not approve of my list, I say this,

Sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of spiritual maturity to find the little nuggets of good, hope, and beauty and to not become weighed down by those things that hurt our hearts or don't sit well with us.  

Sister Camilla Kimball spoke of putting those difficult concepts on a shelf. At this point in my life, I'm choosing to focus on the good.  I'm not putting things on a shelf.  I'm just letting them go and looking for the things that feed my soul.  

I didn't get a chance to watch any of conference this year because I was busy having another incredible experience with my tai chi family.  (I'll try to write more about that later.)  Luckily, all the conference talks are posted both as videos and written transcripts, so I can catch up on my own time.  And since I can watch them in any order, I'm starting with the talk that received the most positive response from my friends.

You can read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk here or watch it now.



My spiritually immature favorite quote is this:

We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!

Another favorite sound bite:

Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost.

I especially appreciated these words to both those who suffer and those who help them. So often the message at church is "Do more." I love that he acknowledges that some times we need to do less and "be still."

When you face “depletion depression,” make the requisite adjustments. Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.

If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait.6

Thank you, Elder Holland for the talk that so many of us needed to hear and have been waiting far too long to hear.  

What were your favorite parts of this talk?

Our Responsibility to Rescue: Another Perspective

The First Presidency Message in the October issue of the Ensign (an magazine published by the LDS church) is entitled Our Responsibility to Rescue.  The main article by President Thomas S. Monson is followed by other articles/activities to help teenagers and children apply these principles. There are some wonderful things in this Message and I will talk about those, but first I want to address some concerns about the concept of rescuing and how we do it.  The quotes here are mostly from one person, my friend Katrina Whitney, but I have heard these thoughts expressed over and over by people I love and care about that have left the church.

First, there are people that don't want to be rescued.  President Monson shares a story about a man who just needed guidance and encouragement to return to full activity in the church.  I do know people for whom this has been the case.  But it is not always the case.  For example, Katrina expressed these feelings:

I am not lost, lonely or breaking the commandments and hope I am not ignorant and I am FAR from apathetic.

Natalee Lance said:

I feel more happy, enlightened and at peace after leaving.

and this:

This is my glorious journey. Please respect that. It is even against the LDS doctrine that we should "save" anyone. That is between them and their god. And mine is 100% fine with where I am in my life.

People leave for many reasons, and some people do not want to be rescued and brought back into the church.  Some people are finding more happiness and are becoming more spiritual since leaving the church.

Three more things that are insinuated if you are no longer active is 1) you no longer have the companionship of the holy ghost 2) your dreams and ambitions cannot be fulfilled and 3) you no longer enjoy the gospel of Jesus Christ. Um, sorry, but there are plenty of people who have left the church who are able to have and do all of theses things.

Second, too often the "love them" approach that President Monson recommends only lasts until the rescuers decide that they are just are wasting time on this person who will never return and switch their efforts and love to someone else.  Or the love lasts until the person has returned to the fold, but then stops because they're in and everything should be OK then.  If we really want to love them back into the church, then we need to make a decision to love and serve them for the rest of forever, regardless of their activity or membership status.  Love that is used as a tool to get what we want is not really love.  It is only a strategy.

To be clear, President Monson in no way implied that we should limit our love to those we deem worthy of rescue.  And in this article, he has not advocated the shunning or cutting off of those who some see as apostates. But that does happen, and it happens with a frequency that is both shocking and distressing.

...it is important to dispell these lies about people who leave the church or are inactive-no wonder we are shunned, given the silent treatment, told we no longer have the light of christ or worse are in cahoots with satan. This is so damaging to our culture and to the relationships of those who are in part member families.

Third, we are all individuals and what is helpful for one person, might even be damaging for another.  We have to really get to know people and what they want and need.  We need to learn to speak the language they will understand.  My own experiences illustrate that well.  I am an introvert in an extrovert church.  We hear all the time about how having a responsibility will help people to grow in the church.  To a certain degree, that is true, but I've also had people put me on lists to substitute for someone on Sunday or go out with the missionaries because they think if I feel needed that I will want to be at church and my testimony will grow. Actually, the opposite happens.  I don't need more responsibility at church. In fact, that makes me resent it and not want to be there.

Both President Monson, and Josi S. Kilpack who wrote the article for the youth use variations on the word encourage when describing how friends helped people return to the gospel.  Again, how we encourage and the type of encouragement needed varies by individual.  Sometimes encouragement comes off as preachy.  Challenges to pray more or read the scriptures more sound like, "I know better than you what will make your life happy."  To be honest, even the "we're glad to see you back at church" comment sometimes rubs me the wrong way.

If you would like to know more about why people leave the church or how you can help them, please view the video presentation here.  The first 40 minutes covers myths regarding why people leave the church and survey results about why they really leave.  (Be warned, some of the doubts and concerns expressed might lead to your own crisis of faith or understanding those things might strengthen your testimony.  If you are at all concerned about either thing happening, skip this first section and go right to how you can help).  Starting at about the 40 minute mark, you can find very helpful information about what you can do if someone you love is doubting or has left the church.

Now, I want to return to the heart of what I believe President Monson's message to be:  love.  Although the main focus of this First Presidency Message seems to be on bringing people back to church, at it's core, it is about what President Monson does best: simply loving people.  That is why he mentions the sick, the elderly, and the widowed in addition to those who we think have strayed.  Here are a few beautiful quotes from President Monson:

...they can be succored and sustained by the hand that helps and the heart that knows compassion.

During the Master’s ministry, He called fishermen at Galilee to leave their nets and follow Him, declaring, “I will make you fishers of men.”2 May we join the ranks of the fishers of men and women, that we might provide whatever help we can.

...others return because loved ones or “fellowcitizens with the saints” have followed the admonition of the Savior, have loved their neighbors as themselves,4 and have helped others to bring their dreams to fulfillment and their ambitions to realization.

The catalyst in this process has been—and will continue to be—the principle of love.

May we extend to them the hand that helps and the heart that knows compassion. By doing so, we will bring joy into their hearts...

Yes, I realize that I left out the parts about bringing people back to the church.  It is partly because one of my goals right now is to cherish the things that bring peace to my soul and let go of the things that trouble me. It's also because there are so many people in horrific situations that really need and want rescuing that I have trouble investing my energy in this type of rescuing that many people don't even want.  I'm going to love people. Period.  If they then decide that the church is the path that will bring them the most peace and happiness, that's great and wonderful.  And if leaving is part of their necessary spiritual journey, I will support that as well and continue to love them and support them in the way that they desire.

In a blog I wrote over a year ago, I shared learning experiences I had with hymns.  Here is one story from that post:

A year or so ago, I had a beautiful dream that brought new meaning to an old hymn. I've never been a huge fan of "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd", but the context from the dream changed everything for me. It was no longer just a song about going out and bringing those sinners back, it became a song that truly helped me to understand the love that God has for each of us. It became for me a song about reaching out to people as children of God, seeing them and treating them as God would, not judging them and calling them to repentance.

The details of the dream have faded, but the feelings have not, and these images have not.  There was a huge community event that was something like a cross between a parade and a progressive dinner.  People moved though a series of churches, parks, businesses, etc. and at each location there was a performance or presentation.  But so many people were involved that not everyone could get started in this progression right away. The poor and those who identified as part of the LGBT community were forced to wait their turn in the dark, dirty, cold subway tunnels.  As we entered a church (not a Mormon one), I heard children singing "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd."  In that moment, experiencing this hymn in a non-Mormon setting, at a church that I knew to be very progressive and open to all, I knew that the song wasn't about getting people baptized and in the benches on Sunday morning.  It was about helping people to feel the love of shepherd.  It was about loving people enough to not make them wait in the dirty tunnels just because of the their bank balance or who they loved.

Finally, please listen to this beautiful song.  You can't tell me that this was written by someone who doesn't understand the gospel.  I think she understand the true gospel better than most.

I am called the black sheep
But I call on the lamb
I am called the black sheep
But I'm holding out my hand
And I will sing for you
For the deaf and for the mute
And I will stand with you
The outcast and the accused
A coin down the well
For the oppressed and the unblessed
A shawl for the shoulders
Of the cold who do not rest
And we will build a shelter
And we will gather in
The shunned and the trampled
We will all be whole again
And I will tread below
'Til we all are pulled above
And I come not by fire
But I come with a love
Pure as a black diamond
That can never be hushed
Pure as a black diamond
That can never be crushed

Yes, I am a Feminist

I'm a feminist.  And it's not as scary as some people might think.  Like any group, we have a variety of experiences and views.

If you haven't heard of Ordain Women, you probably will soon.  Ordain Women is a group of Mormon feminists that have decided that now is the right time to bring attention to women's issues in general and specifically to the need for ordination for women.  Not every Mormon feminist is involved in this movement, and many have concerns and reservations about it.  What I've seen though is that my feminist friends are sincerely interested in the experiences, feelings, and opinions of others.  They want to understand people with whom they may not agree.

This morning I read a blog post by a friend.  I appreciate her willingness to share her views and her positive experiences in the church, but I was concerned by her characterization of my feminist friends.  So I wrote this in response.

I appreciate your willingness to have this discussion. I think it is wonderful that the church has been such a positive experience for you. That is not the case for every woman. I know and love many of the women involved in this movement. They are not defiant. They are women (and men) earnestly seeking to know the will of the Lord. Many of them are active and temple recommend holders. Many of them have studied and prayed and received personal revelation that this is the course that they should take. The common arguments that motherhood equals priesthood or that women have the priesthood in the temple do not heal the deep wounds of inequality that they feel.

Revelation comes because people ask questions. That's why the church was restored through Joseph Smith. We have the Word of Wisdom because Emma had a concern that she took to Joseph who took it to the Lord. The majority of the revelations of the early church happened because someone needed more light and understanding and asked a question. Changes in church policy (and sometimes even revelations about new doctrine) happen when enough people ask questions and share their thoughts, and then the leaders prayerfully consider the best way to move forward. That opens the door for our Heavenly Father to reveal more to us.

I don't know what the end result of this movement with be. Some of my sisters hope that it does result in ordination for women. My hope is that it opens the doors for difficult discussions about what it means to be a woman in this church, and how people can feel more fully a part of the church. Women are not less in the true gospel, but in many ways, the current policies of the church make them feel that way. It is not Satan whispering in their ears that makes them feel this way. It is the well-meaning, but often misguided choices of other members and leaders.

If nothing else comes of this, I pray that we learn to listen more and love more.

I am a Mormon feminist.  These two scriptures form the foundation of my feminist beliefs.  

This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Matthew 22:38-40

...and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;  Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort...
Mosiah 18:8-9

Feminists are not evil, scary, monsters.  They are your sisters (and even your brothers).  I invite you to learn more about them, and if you need to disagree, that's fine.  Just do so with understanding and respect.  

Radical Self-Repect

This great post from AuntMarvel inspired me to write a post of my own. Read hers first, because I'm just going to write about what radical self-respect looks like in my own life.

Radical self-respect in my life means:

• Putting my health (physical, social, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) first.  I can only serve if I have something to give.  
• Setting a work schedule based on a realistic assessment of what my body can handle.  I'm no longer teaching voice lessons on weekends and I'm done with lessons at 5PM on weekdays so that I have the time and energy to do things that bring happiness to my life.  
• Not feeling guilty about needing time to rest and re-charge.  (Still working on this one.)
• Speaking my truth and living with integrity.  I used to be a different person depending on which group of people I was with.  Now my conservative friends know my liberal side, and my liberal friends know my conservative side, and the beautiful thing is, because they are really my friends, we can disagree and it's OK.
• Loving my body for what it can do, and not getting so frustrated about what I wish it was and could do instead.  
• Saying no when I know it just isn't going to work at this point in my life.  Plus, I'm giving up feeling like I have to justify my choices to other people.  
• Challenging myself to grow and improve, but at the same time, knowing that sometimes "barely sufficient" or "good enough for who it's for" is OK.  
• I don't have to do everything, and I don't have to do everything perfectly. When I was growing up, I was smart and I was musical, and I took pride in those things and in being the very best.  But, not being the very best scared me.  Anything that required physical coordination meant that I wasn't the best.  Gym class was the most stressful class of the day because I didn't want that thing I was horrible at to ruin my GPA.  I hated it because I wasn't the best at it.  Now, I'm a tai chi instructor and I'm working with a personal trainer and I can't tell you how much I love these physical things.  And it's because it's all about how they make me feel, not about being perfect, or achieving a goal set by someone else.  
• Knowing that what I look like, what I do, and what others think of me does not in any way change my value.  I am a person of divine origin with unlimited potential and I bring something beautiful to the world.  

What does radical self-respect mean to you?  

More Changes

A few months ago I wrote this post about all the growth, change, and transformation that has been taking place in my life.  And it hasn't stopped since then.  This is the year that challenges all my old thinking.  This is the year that makes me face my fears.  This is the year that I'm finally learning to use my voice.

I had huge plans for this summer.  And of course, you know that making plans is a good thing, because how can you totally throw the plan out the window if there wasn't a plan to begin with?  I had planned to do lots of reading and writing.  I had planned to save money and eat healthier.  I've done a little of all of those things.  But mostly I've launched another big, long term project.  I've had a blog about voice lessons and a Facebook group for quite awhile.  This summer it kicked into high gear with about 30 posts in one month.  It was great and wonderful and really helped me focus and prepare for the school year.  Now I just want to see if I can keep up with it and get more people to talk teaching.

I'm also exploring the possibilities of going into business with a friend. Right now it is probably at least a year off since there is a lot of planning and organizing and fund raising to do.  I'm not going to share more details yet, but if it happens, it's going to be a really good thing.  It will give me a chance to do more of what I love without giving up the things I'm doing now (hopefully).

Another change happened a few weeks ago when a friend committed suicide.  We actually haven't seen each other in a few years and mostly kept in contact by Facebook, but still it hurt.  And there was a lot to process beyond just losing her.  It brought up a lot of old stuff.

At my last doctor appointment, I told my doctor about some annoying but not serious symptoms. He has asked me to try an elimination diet to see if gluten may be part of the problem. So far it is going well.  There are a couple of things I still need to work out, but I'm getting the hang of it. Because I know that chocolate also causes problems for me, I decided to get rid of that too.  I think that I also have a few other food sensitivities, so this whole process might take awhile.

I also just started working with a personal trainer.  So far, I'm loving it, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep it up once school starts.  I'll just have to wait and see what my time, money, and energy situation looks like.

Next week is Freshman Orientation.  School starts the following week.  I'll be doing just after school lessons that week, and then I start my regular schedule the second week of September.  And then it's another wild ride through the school year.

I've changed some policies and will be requiring students to use my website more.  I do expect that that will be a little tricky.  I've also added a few more events this year for students.  My calendar is very full and very colorful since I've added colors for different kinds of events.  I'm also finally moving my primary calendar online.  I will still need paper reminders, but I think I've finally decided that online might be easier for keeping track of all that I'm doing.

Also in September I'll be a teaching assistant for 6 tai chi and qigong classes, plus prepping for the October Tai Chi for Energy workshop that I'll be taking from Dr. Lam.

This year of the Snake won't be over until Jan. 31.  What other growth, change, and transformation is waiting just around the corner?

Today's Adventure

Sometimes the universe has other plans.  Today I had what could have been a very bad experience.  But as you will see from my lists below, overall, the scales tip towards good.

Bad news:

• I had a flat tire today. 
• Although I'm quite capable of changing a tire, I just really didn't feel like doing it in a dress.  Plus I was just lazy.  
• It took over 7 minutes for anyone at Roadside Assistance to even answer the phone.  
• After that I had to wait at least 90 minutes before someone came.  
• My phone battery was lower than 50%, and because I didn't want to run it down, I didn't even check FB, or blog, or surf the internet while I waited.  

Good News:

• The flat tire wasn't quite as much my fault as I thought it was.  (Long story.)
• I had my cell phone with me, so it was easy to call Roadside Assistance.  
• Because it is part of my insurance, I didn't have to pay anything extra for the help.  
• Because I knew I needed to get to my spare tire, I cleaned out the trunk of the car.  
• I found my good gloves and hat that I hadn't been able to find all last winter.  
• I found my box of special pens (multiple colors and kinds) that I bought a few years ago for NaNoWriMo, but haven't seen in a couple of years.  It was like Christmas!
• I had plenty of change to walk across the parking lot and buy a water from the vending machine after I finished the water I had with me.  
• Plus, I found a 1946 nickel in my change.  I always keep coins that are older than I am.  It might not be worth anything, but it is fun to have.  This coin was in circulation before my parents were born.  
• I have been sunshine deprived lately, and it was a beautiful day to be outside.  The temperature was moderate.  The sun was shining, and there was a light breeze.  Plus, there were a bazillion birds around to watch.  
• When I was cleaning out the trunk, I found the Armor All wipes, so I cleaned the dash, the instrument panel, and I got all the disgusting stuff out of the cup holder.  My car looks so much better.  
• I also cleaned out the glove box and found two flashlights with dead batteries.  I guess it's a good thing I always have my phone with me to use as a light.  Must find new batteries tomorrow.  
• Since I had those awesome pens and a notepad, I did a little writing while I waited.  
• I planted some tai chi seeds.  I mentioned that I taught tai chi and the Auto Rescue guy said he was interested in learning more about it.  I told him a little, and then wrote down some places where he could find information about classes.  

Day 1 Gluten-Free

When I saw my doctor last week, we I told him that my digestive system had been even more temperamental than usual, so he suggested that I do a gluten elimination diet to see if gluten may be part of the problem.  I've done a lot of reading about Fibromyalgia and food sensitivities, and gluten is at the top of the list for things that people with Fibromyalgia might have issues with.  Some of the reading I've done suggests going off all the possible culprits at once and then adding them back in one at a time to see exactly what the issues are.  I suspect that I may also have intolerances for dairy, chocolate, corn, legumes, and nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers).  But eliminating all of that would mean totally re-working my diet and I don't have the time, resources, and patience to do that all at once.  So, I'm starting with the gluten and I'll see if that makes any difference.

The good news is that I used last week as a trial run and actually lost a couple of pounds.  I didn't go completely off gluten, but I did buy gluten free products for my lunches at work and I didn't do pastas or breads very much for dinners at home.  I found that I like the Amy's Rice Mac and Cheese even more than the regular version.  I also love their enchiladas, but they didn't like me back.  That could have been the corn, the beans, or the tomatoes.  Or it might just have been that my stomach didn't like anything that day.  I seriously have days that water causes digestive pain.

Anyway, today is Day 1 gluten-free.  I'll be keeping my food diary here, so posts will be pretty boring for awhile.  But blogging about the food is much easier than remembering where I put the notebook that I was writing things down in.

Breakfast this morning:  Pepper Jack Cheese and grapes