Not Quite What You'd Expect

Nepalese woman burned for witchcraft

2012-02-18T12:43:00.001-06:00

http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/18/world/asia/nepal-witchcraft-burning/index.html

I find this article disturbing on many levels.

My first thought was, what year is this? How can this still be happening in our world?

Next, I thought about the freedom that we have to practice our religion. But at what point does the practice of our own religion cross the line and demand that someone say, "No. This is wrong."? Unfortunately, the answer isn't always easy.

I was sickened by what this woman suffered while her 9 year child watched.

I was shocked that the 10 attackers that were arrested included 5 women and an 8 year old child.

The whole story is disturbing, but this sentence worried me too:

"Prime Minister Baburam Bhattarai appealed to the people not to heed to shamans and faith healers."

This scares me almost as much. In the west, we have become a science-focused society, which in many ways is good, but we are so dualistic that we can't accept that shamans and faith teachers may have something of value to share with us. Connections to nature and the spiritual world do not have to be dangerous, but every time something like this happens, we say ,"See, look how horrible that is." And we forget the atrocities that have been committed in the name of science.

How can we find and use the best of both worlds, while at the same time putting restraints in place so this kind of thing never happens again? Where do we draw the line for what actions are acceptable as part of a religious or spiritual practice?

-- Posted from my iPhone

I Respectfully Disagree

2012-02-09T18:33:00.007-06:00

My friend Thom writes a great blog. And one of the things I appreciate most about his blog is that it makes me think. Sometimes he writes things with which I initially disagree, but his clear examination of the issue makes me at least think, if not revise my own views. One of Thom's recent posts really got me thinking. He talks about how we sometimes throw out our opinions on controversial topics without really considering who we might be offending. He makes some very good points.

I totally agree with this:

People who would never dream of marching around the office or grocery store spouting pro-life slogans or religious denunciations will gladly do so on Facebook–in front of many of those very same people. Not only is Facebook making us stupid, it’s making us insensitive.

I see a lot of hate on Facebook and frankly, it is upsetting. I love that one friend of mine is so positive. In fact, she occasionally posts reminders to her friends that they can post what they want on their own walls, but posts directly to her wall and comments on her posts should remain positive.

Facebook definitely has its drawbacks, but I also know how important Facebook, Twitter, and blogging have been for me in letting the world see the real me. I was always very careful about what I said or did around certain people. My church friends knew one person. My school friends knew another. People from work knew another person too. I kept my life compartmentalized. If a topic of discussion came up and I disagreed with the majority of the group I was with, I just kept quiet rather than sharing my own views. And after awhile it's hard to remember who you can say what to, so you don't say anything at all.

Social media changed that for me. The fact that I didn't have to deal with the immediate disapproval of my friends meant that it was a little safer to say what I really felt. Don't get me wrong, I still choose my words very carefully, but I think that the people that really follow my life on FB and my blog know the real Jeannine better than some people that only know me in real life. Social media can be a source of negativity and hatred. It can also help people like me to live with more integrity. The things I write will be there forever. I want what I write today to accurately represent the person I am today.

I disagree with the maxim Thom references about never discussing religion or politics. I think both need much more discussion. The problem is that we don't discuss. We state our opinion and then close our ears while someone else states theirs. We don't really listen and we don't try to understand. We know that our side is right and theirs is wrong, and we leave the "discussion" knowing no more than we did before. My personal opinion is this: when considering some of the current issues facing our country, if you aren't feeling at least a little conflicted about your choice, you don't know enough about the other side yet.

I want you to share your opinions, views, and beliefs with me. And I want to share mine with you. And then I want to talk about the things that brought us to those conclusions. And then, I want it to be OK for both of us to say "thank you, but I respectfully disagree," and no one gets offended and friends stay friends. We may even learn something from each other. Is that really so impossible?

This last quote from Thom brings up the most important issue of any communicating we do, whether in person or online. It's all about respect, people.

This country has no chance of ever solving its problems so long as we refuse to accord others the same respect we demand for ourselves. Social media makes it very easy to demand. But respect is increasingly harder to come by.

Finally, I want to share with you something that I found very beautiful. I totally agree with her. But that doesn't mean you need to. You may disagree. I will not be offended. And if you're not ashamed to know me, I will still be your friend.

Don't Look Down

2012-02-04T17:13:00.001-06:00

I love this quote from Dr. Paul Lam about looking down, and I will definitely be sharing it with my voice students.

"The eye is the energy of the spirit - the window of the mind. Often you will notice people practicing tai chi with their eyes downcast, like this as I show you Chen style Single Whip movement. This will lower your internal energy. Now look where the direction of the energy lies, you can feel your energy being stronger and more wholesome. The principle is to connect your vision with your internal energy. Looking down is actually a part of human nature. All of us at times feel unsure of ourselves, and we tend to look down which will lower our energy. To be aware of this is easy but it is challenging to do well. However, no matter what level of tai chi you are at, if you are aware and focus on this principle, you will improve. When your visual direction is right, your energy will be stronger, your tai chi, posture and feeling about yourself improve."

I teach my students to avoid looking down because it cuts off the audience. They can't see and connect with your facial expressions. I had never connected looking down with a change in energy, although now it seems obvious.

Compare that to this: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up

Any similarities?

I've always believed that inspiration and enlightenment are actual energies as opposed to just ideas. When we "look where the direction of our energy lies" we grow stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Looking down, on the other hand, literally weakens us and reinforces negative attitudes (both our own attitudes, and the attitudes of others about us).

Wow.

-- Posted from my iPhone

One More Time

2012-02-04T11:57:00.003-06:00

I'm sure I've written this blog at least twice before, maybe more times than that. If you really wanted to, you could look through the blog history and find the other blogs. I'm hoping this is the last time, but it may not be.

Today, I am giving up sugar, caffeine, and junk food. I've done it before, so I know it's possible. I even went a year without chocolate. Actually I've done it twice. I'm not lying! And after the first few weeks, I don't even miss it all that much.

I feel so much better without all that garbage, but here's what happens: some well-meaning person tries to tell me about moderation in all things, that it's OK to have a little. Sorry. Doesn't work that way in my life. One brownie means that I can have a cookie the next day, and then it's peanut butter m&ms, and then buying a bag of m&ms or cookies is cheaper, and then before I know it I can't go a day without my fix. And that fix is no longer just one or a few, it is a major binge.

You wouldn't tell an alcoholic to have just one drink. You wouldn't tell a recovering drug addict to use their drug of choice but just occasionally. So please, help me and don't talk to me about moderation. For me this is an all or nothing situation.

I hope it works this time. I hope that I enjoy today's pizza, chocolate, and diet Dr. Pepper and then they remain just happy memories. But I'm realistic enough to know that that it might not work out that way. I may be back here writing this post again. But I won't give up. So, to wrap things up today, I'm going to share a quote from somebody really smart--me.

A mistake is not failure. Slipping back into old habits is not failure. The only true failure is when we give up and quite trying to be better.

I Have a Secret

2012-02-04T06:56:00.001-06:00

OK, it's not that big of a secret, but it is something that a lot of people don't know about me and would probably not expect from a voice teacher.

I don't crave the spotlight. Most singers I know do. Yes, some deal with performance anxiety which creates a love/hate relationship with performing, but they cope because whatever negatives they experience are worth the thrill they feel on stage in front of an audience or the joy of being the center of attention.

I have to sing, but I could easily live without performing. I sing for the joy it brings me. I sing becauses there is beautiful music just begging to be sung. I sing because it helps me understand who I am.

I perform because it is good for me to remember the fears and vulnerabilities involved in performing. How can I teach a student to deal with that if I haven't done it myself?

I perform because not performing seems like I'm being ungrateful for the marvelous gifts I've been given, both the gifts of my ability and the gifts of the songs themselves.

I perform because of the relationships formed through performance. Some of the people I love the most in this world are people I have shared the stage with. The smell of the theatre makes me homesick, not for the spotlight, but for the people and the experiences.

I perform because I know that my voice and the messages I bring have the power to affect others. And if I can help bring joy or peace to someone, I figure it is worth all the anxiety that comes with my performing.

And lastly, I perform because songs were written to be heard. Yes, I've had some moments of incredible beauty in the practice rooom. Yes, I have had transcendent experiences singing alone. But music, as it was intended, and when it is the most profound is when the energies of the creators (composers and poets), the realizers (singers, players, conductors) and the listeners (audience) unite and feed each other. It's not as common as some would like to think, but when it happens, that experience is like no other. And that, most of all, is why I continue to perform. I walk on stage not to sing, but to become music.

-- Posted from my iPhone

I Really Need Some Sleep

2012-02-04T05:19:00.001-06:00

When I don't sleep well, which happens quite frequently, especially over the past month, I have really strange dreams. Often, they give me great ideas for sci-fi/fantasy stories. Sometimes, they are about escaping from someone who is trying to kill me. But last night's dream was by far the strangest ever.

Apparently, I'm more worked up about the current political situation than I thought I was. It was deep, with many sub-plots, but basically I was having an affair with a Presidential candidate. I really loved him, but could see how wrong he was for the country, so I allowed myself to be convinced to help some people gather evidence of his illegal business practices. And he was doing illegal things and there was plenty of evidence. The plan was to expose him, but if that was not enough to end his campaign, I would come forward about the affair.

Just for the record, in real life, I have never had and will never have an affair with a politician. And if I can't get my sleep patterns adjusted and have "normal" dreams again, I think I'd prefer the escaping from murderers kind.

-- Posted from my iPhone

A Strange But Beautiful Dream

2012-02-01T07:00:00.001-06:00

I just awoke from a strange but beautiful dream. I met an odd group of people living hidden among humans. Each had a type of creature or element that they cared for and nourished which in turn gave them a great gift. The lives of the people and the things they cared for were intertwined and they lived much longer than normal humans, possibly forever.

One day, a few of us "normal" people found a book of music, famous songs from long ago, but the words printed with them were not the same as we now know, and definitely not the same wonderful quality as the music. It didn't take long for us to discover that the composer of all of these songs was a single woman, one that we knew, one of the people with the creatures. We later learned that the songwriter's husband's gift was to make things with his hands and his hands had written the wonderful words we now sing those tunes to.

Eventually we learned that it wasn't us and them. Those of us that were not like them simply were not aware of our creatures/elements yet. Since we weren't feeding, nourishing, and caring for them, they couldn't help us be all we could be.

3 of us newbies moved in with the couple, but we had to divide the house carefully into territories for each of our creatures so that we didn't accidentally hurt any of the creatures that were literally everywhere, growing and developing. (For some reason, we wouldn't accidentally step on one of our own.)

One day, I went to the piano and found one of the songwriter's creatures stuck between the keys. We had no idea how it got there. As the songwriter's husband carefully removed it, I learned that they had lived and worked together long enough that he understood her creatures almost as well as his own. The creature was badly damages, the upper portions nearly shredded. She held it tenderly. I thought it was hopeless and that we would lose this one. She began singing Eric Thiman's Spring Wind, and then her husband joined her. Soon I was singing too. (I don't know if there is a 3 part version of this, but there was in my dreams and it was gorgeous.) As we sang, I watched the energy and love in the music flow into the creature. Through music, we were literally bringing it back to life. We reached the cadence at the end of one of the verses, and I woke up.

I've been disappointed before with dreams ending before I wanted them to, but this was the first time I have felt a loss, almost cheated because I didn't get to finish being part of that beauty we were creating.

But the truth is, although I didn't get to finish that song, I'm creating that beauty every single day. The children of great composers and lyricists sit before me every day. Through my own singing, and through teaching others how to love these songs, I am literally breathing life into their cherished creations.

-- Posted from my iPhone

We Can Change

2012-01-29T11:26:00.001-06:00

Often in the scriptures, we read about prophets or others that were told by God to "cry repentance". I've always read that as "Go tell them all the things they are doing wrong, and that they'd better change or else." History shows that unfortunately I was not the only person that read it that way. I chose to just avoid missionary work, but others in their zeal have committed great atrocities and called it "crying repentance." No wonder they stoned the prophets.

Now, in all fairness, not everyone responded to the command this way. There are some wonderful, loving, kind people who work hard to share what they believe is the truth.

Today at church, a scripture that I've heard probably hundreds of times was read, and I had a light bulb moment. What if God meant "Tell them that it gets better. Tell them that change is possible."?

What would happen if that was the message that people were sharing instead of saying, "You are a sinner because you (fill in the blank)"?

What if we looked for people that were hurting and asked what we could do to help them move forward, rather than finding someone who is committing a "sin" and telling them to quit being evil?

I've always had a strong belief in the ability of people to make positive changes in their lives. Though most statistics disagree, I believe that given the right support, criminals can change and become productive citizens. I believe that the mistakes of our past don't condemn us to walk that path forever. We can change. And that is what repentance means, refining and redefining who we are and who we want to be.

And that is the Gospel according to Jeannine.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Switching to Self-preservation Mode

2012-01-21T11:52:00.001-06:00

Although the end of January and early February is usually a relatively calm time in my life, somehow this year I've managed to get myself extremely overcommitted. I have 5 new students, plus one that is returning after a break. That is awesome because I need the money, but scheduling them has been a little tricky, especially with the new Tai Chi classes I'm taking. I also have several students recording videos for a competition and I told them I would accompany them. That adds practice time for me, plus recording time to my schedule. Then there is this faculty recital that I have been pushing for for years, so I can't really back out. I'm singing two solos and the big ensemble piece that all of us are doing. I know the rep, but I'm still recovering from an illness (or several) that started on Jan. 1. I've got a lesson to give in church tomorrow, and a convention committee meeting on Friday that I need to do some major preparation for. Yesterday I thought my head was going to explode, so I came home from work, had some chocolate, did some Tai Chi and Qigong and went to bed early. Because of not being able to breathe well, coughing, and probably the chocolate, last night was a series of bizarre nightmares.

Anyway...I'm switching into self-preservation mode so I can make it through to Feb. 4, when I can begin stressing over a whole other set of issues. Self-preservation mode helps me survive, but sometimes the people around me don't appreciate it much. The thing is, if I don't take care of me right now, the things other people need and want from me won't be done well anyway. So, if I say no,or don't get something done according to your timeline, know that in the long run, it really is for the best.

Self-preservation mode means:
1. Being at work ready to give focused attention to my students, but not going to get them from choir or study halls if they forget to come. If they don't make the effort to come to me, I can fill that time in many other ways.
2. Not opening extra times for makeup lessons beyond the usual hours I am at school.
3. Saying no to extra events and responsibities.
4. Making Tai Chi a priority because it helps me mentally and physically.
5. Not feeling guilty about a messy house, because right now I need rest more than I need a clean house.
6. Making sure I get plenty of water and protein, and limiting sugar.
7. Keeping track of deadlines.
8. Being OK with just doing what is absolutely necessary at the moment and letting the rest wait.

I will get through this. I have before, and will likely have many situations like this to deal with in the future. Be patient with me, and all will work out in the end.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Families

2012-01-15T11:53:00.003-06:00

Some people say that the our society is at risk because we are not doing enough to defend families. I completely agree with that basic premise, but disagree about what it means to defend and protect families.

Families come in many sizes, shapes, and colors. Some families

have a mother and father and children.
are genetically related.
have the same color of skin.
live in the same home.
are recognized as families by the churches they attend.
are recognized as families by the governments of their countries.

But none of those things defines a family. The idea of family that I am trying to defend is more than that. The family I want to defend is not the one that is an accident of birth, but the one that we choose through love. Love, pure and simple, makes a family. And a family teaches us to love.

Here are some examples of real-life families:

A woman I know has only a single sister, and no biological or adopted brothers. But she does have 2 brothers--brothers that she chose to love and make a part of her life. Brothers that have stood with her as she has gone through some very difficult situations in her life. She has no legal ties to them, but the ties of love are as strong as those that tie her to her biological relatives.
A friend has a biological child that she is raising with her same-sex partner. The state they live in doesn't recognize her partner as the child's mother, but that doesn't mean that they aren't a family. The love in that home is amazing.
Another friend has both biological children and children that she and her husband have legally adopted. And those adopted children are so much a natural part of their family, that I sometimes forget that they are adopted.
My father was raised by a man who is technically his step-father. One day my brother asked Dad about his "real" father. I will never forget his response. His "real" father is the man that raised him. Real and biological are not the same.

The family is in danger. But the danger is not from people who want families that are different from our own. The danger is from people that claim to be families, but haven't yet learned and chosen to love.

So how do we defend the family? Choose love. Love and support those around you who are trying to make their families work. And remember, to change the world, we must change first ourselves, then our families, and then our communities.

There is more than one right way

2012-01-14T17:47:00.004-06:00

Cancer sucks. I don't think many people would disagree with me about that. Today it would be difficult to find someone whose life has not been touched by cancer, either their own or that of a friend or family member. During 2011, I watched, mostly from the sidelines, as 3 dear women dealt with their cancer.

One very young mother's life was cut short when she died from her cancer just days after giving birth. She fought to stay alive to give her child a chance and when the baby was born, she let go.

Another woman was pressured into treatment she didn't want, and that she hated. She didn't want to hear people's stories of encouragement and hope. She wanted somebody to let her know that they hated it too. She didn't want to believe that she was alone in what she was experiencing.

For the third woman, battling cancer for the third time, there was no option but to fight. She would use every resource in her power against the enemy. And she would win. There was never any doubt.

I know that I have oversimplified their stories, but I hope I have not misrepresented their journeys. The truth of the matter is that I didn't know what to say or do. I occasionally sent a message of encouragement, but how much of that was for my own comfort instead of theirs? What is the right way to deal with cancer when you have it? What is the right way to help a friend with cancer?

From the comfort and safety of my own living room, I submit to you that there is no one right way, for the patients or those that care about and for them.

I don't have cancer, but I do have a chronic condition that is sometimes a real pain in the butt. The woman who has kicked cancer's butt 3 times used to get really frustrated with me because I chose to see my limitations and try to find ways to work within those rather than fighting like hell to get over them. And that frustrated me. Even then, I knew that that wasn't the way this was supposed to work in my life. I've chosen to see my health issues as a friend. I'm not so sure that I love that friend, but I value that friend. It reminds me of what is really important to me and helps me to keep trying to find some sort of balance in my life.

Four different health stories. Four different journeys. Four different woman who may have been hurt by someone who thought they should take another path.

As I said yesterday, I think we need to learn to speak up, to tell our own stories, to share our experiences and insights. But we also need to listen to those around us and if they feel they need something different, to help them find that, not force what we do or what we want upon them. Telling the fighter to love her disease and see what messages it was bringing her might have not just annoyed her, but it might also have kept her from beating it. I think I should still tell her what has helped me, and what I would choose, but then I need to respect her and what works for her and support her in that.

And, I think this post just isn't about dealing with cancer. It's about dealing with life. Whether you believe it or not, I choose to believe that there is more than one right way.

-- Posted from my iPhone

God is a Scientist

2012-01-13T20:25:00.003-06:00

I realize that I may be in the minority in my belief here, but I'm going to state it anyway. I do believe in God and miracles. And, I also believe that there are natural laws within which even God must work. God is god because he understand those laws and how to work with them. Miracles are simply God applying advanced science.

I believe that God created the heavens and the earth, and evolution may very well have been part of the process he used. I don't take the 7 days of creation literally.

I believe that there have been many great miracles, and that miracles continue today, and miracles will continue in the future. I also know that if a person from even just a few hundred years ago got hold of my iPhone, they would declare it either a miracle or black magic. To us, it is just really cool technology. We don't necessarily understand it all, but we accept that it is science. Medical science is full of miracles.

Calling a miracle science does not make it any less miraculous or make our dependence on God any less important. I have a little theory (and when you get right down to the details of the science of it, there may be a few holes, but I like it anyway.)

God told Joshua to march his people around Jericho and then to have them blow the ram's horn and then shout with a great shout. Resonance is when a vibrating body causes sympathetic vibrations in another body. The myth about the soprano shattering glass is not a myth. It can happen under the right circumstances. Have you heard the windows rattle when someone is stomping around in the house? The energy of that motion doesn't stay in the place of the stomp. So, I think resonance brought down the walls of Jericho. If it really happened this way, does that mean it wasn't a miracle? No. The miracle comes from the fact that Joshua didn't know the science, but he knew he could trust the Lord. He did what he was told and the walls fell.

I believe in a god that is all-powerful, but I believe His power comes from knowledge and wisdom.

Speak up

2012-01-13T19:05:00.007-06:00

I was asked to give a lesson at church based on the information the Elder L. Tom Perry presented in his October 2011 General Conference address, "Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear." I love the scripture that the title references, so I was excited to do this, until I read it, and remembered that it was really all about missionary work. Not my favorite topic. But I'll do it. (The lesson that is. We'll see about the missionary work.)

In a recent address at BYU-I, Elder Quinton L. Cook encouraged those in attendance to work with other religious groups to strengthen the moral and religious principles of our country. An article in the Church News reporting on the event said,

One of the reasons the attack on the moral or religious principles has been so successful is because of the reluctance of people of faith to express their views, he said. That is why it is so important for individuals to actively participate in speaking up.

This post is not about missionary work or politics. But it is about something that both men addressed: the need to speak up and to share who we are and what we believe.

It's not easy. Sometimes people we really care about will have other views or beliefs. And that's OK. That's the way it should be. But right now in the world, we seem to have fallen into an "I'm right and you're wrong" mentality that makes true dialogue nearly impossible. So rather than risk either offending someone, or being offended by their response, sometimes we (and I mean me) say nothing. What is wrong with saying what we believe and being open to the fact that we might learn something from listening to what someone else thinks?

Saying nothing means that our voices are not heard. Saying nothing means that someone else may share our thoughts and feelings, but never be brave enough to say it, because no one else seems to think or feel that way. Sometimes we need one person to say it and start the ball rolling and then like-minded individuals come out of the woodwork. Take for example this post. The author struggled to write it. He worried about offending people. And maybe some were offended, but many were touched and some were healed by what he had to say. What you have to say is important. Never forget that.

I was trying to be serious in this post, but this keeps popping into my head. The message is good. And yes, I'm brave enough to say that I like Barry Manilow. Now quit laughing, and either watch the video or skip ahead to the next part.

Sometimes we are afraid to say things because we don't want others to see us as less than perfect. And then someone else sits alone wondering why their life is so messed up when everyone around them is perfect. By sharing who we are and what we feel and what we believe, we build bridges to others, helping them to feel not so alone. And since I already put in one song, we might as well have another, a beautiful message written by one of the greats and sung here by a wonderful interpreter.

What I took from Elders Cook and Perry is that in order to be true to myself, I need to take chances and speak up about who I am and what I believe, even if it is scary sometimes. So, I'm starting a new blog series (which will probably have all of one entry, like most of my other series ideas. Or maybe not). Stay tuned for the first installment.

Am I getting old?

2011-12-13T16:22:00.001-06:00

Am I getting old or have I always been this strange?

Since it's my birthday, I want to do something really fun tonight and eat something really good for dinner.

After much contemplation this is what I decided on:

Dinner: tomatoes and cottage cheese, potato chips, and Peanut Butter M&Ms for dessert

Fun: 7-8pm go to the gym and watch the new episode of NCIS while I'm on the treadmill. Then be in bed with a good book by 9.

Yes, I'm totally excited about this. What is wrong with me?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Another reason I love to sing

2011-12-06T15:54:00.001-06:00

When approached with the right attitude beautiful songs never get old. Each time we sing a song, we bring to it all that we have experienced since the last time we sang it. The technical growth reveals new beauties in the voice. Our life experiences bring new depth to the interpretation. I just sang a song that has been in my rep for more than 15 years and it was a totally new experience. I love that!

-- Posted from my iPhone

Deeper learning

2011-12-03T19:12:00.001-06:00

You know what's sad is when you get so busy that you don't even take the time to ramble nonsensically on your blog. I started this post and got all of 2 sentences in before getting distracted by something else. But, I think this is worth coming back to.

In my Yang style Tai Chi class, since we know the whole form (Yang 24) now, we have started working on flipping it--doing everything to the right that we learned to the left. It is an interesting challenge, and it takes the learning to a new level. Sometimes by the time I get to class on Monday nights, my brain is ready to shut down. I know that some of the moves I learned purely kinesthetically, just watching the teacher and imitating her. As I try to flip it, obviously, the body feels it differently since it is a different hand or foot moving, so this really gives me a chance to go back and involve some analytical learning as well. And I'm finding that the better I get at flipping the form, the better I am the first direction.

For years, I've been talking to my students about using as many learning modes as possible. We obviously want to focus on whatever our individual strengths are, but if we use multiple learning methods, we know the material better. For example, if I was memorizing "I Enjoy Being a Girl", I would pick up most of the words just from listening to it and singing it several times. If draw pictures, I'll remember even more. If I make up silly actions (way more exaggerated than you would use to perform), I'll be even more solid in my memorization.

I've also found that there are times when we think we have learned something, but later realize that we just weren't ready to take it to the next level yet. Learning is very much influenced by how ready we are to learn whatever it is we are setting out to learn.

It's also true that sometime we understand things at an unconscious level before we really process it consciously. In writing my novel this past month, things came to the surface that I hadn't considered before. And in analyzing some symbolism (that I didn't even intend as symbolism) I learned something pretty profound.

I cannot imagine a life without learning. I crave it. I need it to exist. And life is more than happy to provide all the opportunities I need.

Another adventure over, at least for now

2011-12-03T19:00:00.001-06:00

Today is the first weekend after NaNoWriMo and to be honest I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I woke up this morning and wanted to go right to the computer to start writing as I did every non-work day in November. There are lots of things I should be doing, but I find myself wanting to write. The story is done, but there are places that I could go back and fill in a little more, especially near the end where I was just trying to get to the end of the story. But part of me also needs to be away from this story for awhile.

So, that was all a bunch of rambling nonsense about moving on after NaNo. NaNo teaches you to write, to just get the words out and not worry about editing. Obviously, I'm still stuck in that mode.

Here is some information about what I accomplished during November.

This shows my writing progress for the month of November. Yellow is a little higher than the daily goal, and orange is a little lower. Reds are exceptionally bad days and greens are exceptionally good days. As you can tell, I write best(or most prolifically) when I have big chunks of time. Although they encourage you to shoot for 1667 words a day and do develop a habit of writing daily, it just doesn't work for me. I achieved my goal, but did it in a way that works with my ADD brain. You can fight it, or you can embrace it.

To see a graph of my daily word count totals, you can go here.

I got off to a rough start this year, and there is a lot of crap that needs to be cut, but I'm very proud of what I was able to accomplish this year. I actually finished the story and I wrote 26,600 more words than I needed for an official win.

Now, I'm going to work on catching up on all the things I put off because writing was important or fun, or both.

People who inspire us

2011-11-22T19:31:00.001-06:00

I had a different post planned for today, but this is the one I need to write today.

I'm thankful for people who excel in their fields, for people who dream big dreams, and for people who challenge and inspire us to be the be the best we can be.

I was 16 when James Cagney died. I had not yet felt the loss of close friends or relatives, but when he died, I felt like I had lost a family member. My dad was a big Cagney fan, and I loved old movies. Cagney had made me laugh and cry. He was a "hoofer" and one of the best. I admired his skill as an actor and as a dancer.

Today when I read the news of Anne McCaffrey's death, I felt a similar loss. I fell in love with her book, particularly the Pern series, and I've read nearly everything she's written. My own style and subject matter is very much influenced by hers. She hasn't done much writing in recent years, and most of that has been in collaboration with someone else, but while she lived, there was always hope of a new adventure to entertain, teach, and inspire. It really is the end of an era, but also a chance for those of us that have been inspired by her to pick up the torch. It's our turn to move the genre forward and open it to new audiences.

AARP just gave Jane Goodall the Inspire Award and I'd just like to say that she is definitely an inspiration, and not just to retired people. She is a beautiful woman who is continuing to make a difference in the world. I've never really understood people that stand in line for hours to see a celebrity and get the chance to get an autograph, but she is a woman I might do that for. I sincerely hope I one day will get the chance to see her in person. If you don't know her, first of all, what planet do you live on? Secondly, you should read her book Reason for Hope. It's amazing.

I'm also thankful for the less famous, but equally inspiring people in my life. And it's not just in big ways that they inspire. Sometimes it's sharing a quote, or a song, or a personal experience. Sometimes it's making me look at something from a fresh perspective. And many times, people don't set out to inspire me, but they are just there and by being who they are they give me the inspiration I need for that moment.

So my challenge for you and for me is this: 1. Thank someone who inspired you and 2. Put yourself in the right places and situations that you can serve as inspiration for someone else.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Dealing with Depression

2011-11-21T17:03:00.005-06:00

A conversation today got me thinking about what I am really thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am thankful that I no longer live each day in the depths of depression.

Do you know that there are a lot of "d" works related to depression? Debilitating, despondency, despair, darkness, dejected. I was really tempted to do the longest, most obnoxious alliteration ever, but as I mentioned on FB awhile back, overdone alliteration cheapens the message. And I want my message today to be one of hope. And hope is one of the most valuable things we can have. The hope that perhaps there would be something better in my future helped me survive a lot of really dark times.

Until you have lived with it, you can never really understand depression.

It's one thing to be feeling lazy and not want to take a shower. It's something else entirely when you don't feel like you have the energy to shower or when you've gotten to the point where you really don't care if you shower.

It's one thing to feel blah and sorry for yourself and not want to do anything. It's something else entirely when you feel totally numb and can't make yourself do anything.

It's one thing to think that you could do better. It's another when you think that you will never be able to do enough or be good enough.

But the good news it that I know it doesn't have to last forever. Don't misunderstand me. It's not as if I never get depressed anymore. I just know how to deal with it now and how to not let it consume my life. I will be on medication for the rest of my life to deal with this. I also work to adjust my diet, exercise, meditation, and outside commitments to help me get through the minor bouts of depression that still pop up occasionally.

The paths that lead us out of depression are as unique as each individual that suffers from depression. I found my path, but there are a lot of really wonderful people in the world still looking for theirs. But it's there. I know it is. Have hope and know that you are not alone.

My life today is so different from where it was several years ago. Every once in a while, I'll have a bad day and then I'll remember when everyday used to be like that. I am happy. I am really happy. And all things considered, that's pretty amazing.

Good things about winter

2011-11-17T17:48:00.001-06:00

1. No bugs to clean off the windshield.
2. Flannel sheets and a huge pile of blankets. I love the feel of my flannel sheets and wish they weren't so hot or I'd use them in the summer too. And I love the feeling of being buried under several heavy blankets. If I wasn't so cheap, I'd turn the AC way up in the summer and sleep this way year round!
3. Adding sweaters (and therefore layering) to my wardrobe means I don't wear the exact same outfit too often.
4. ????

Help me here people. I know I had at least one other item. There has to be something else good about winter. My aunt suggested I move to Florida. It's not realistic for me right now, but for the next few months, I might just dream.
-- Posted from my iPhone

Goodbye Dark Chocolate M&Ms

2011-11-15T14:25:00.001-06:00

Last night at Tai Chi, my nose was running a lot. I was also having trouble breathing which has never been an issue when doing Tai Chi.

Today, I've sneezed about 5,000 times and used 10,000 Kleenexes. People around me have been sick, but this definitely feels more like an allergic reaction than a cold. At first I thought it might be something in the sweater that I am wearing for the first time this season. But now, I'm not so sure. The sweater is not connected in any way to last night's issues.

So what is the common factor? I hate to say this. I wish it wasn't so. But the common factor is Dark Chocolate M&M's. I had some last night before class. I ate a few on my way to school. I had several (OK, several handfuls) with my lunch, after which I had the most sneezing, runny nose and watering eyes problem of the day. That's what gave it away. The symptoms were going away, so I just used the last few to test my theory, and sure enough, the allergy symptoms just increased.

I guess I just have to switch back to Peanut Butter M&Ms that don't make me sneeze (or quit completely, but that's a little extreme don't you think?)

-- Posted from my iPhone

Random insights and revelations

2011-11-13T23:02:00.011-06:00

I should be asleep now, but when you eat dark chocolate m&ms after 9pm and use diet Dr. Pepper to take your night time pills, you just don't go to sleep easily. So, I decided to blog about some of my recent "lightbulb" moments.

Friday night I took a book with me to read while I waited for the choir concert to begin. The book is The Way of Qigong by Kenneth S. Cohen. I loved these two sentences:
"The foundation of qigong is song, relaxation and tranquility. Instead if making an effort and doing more, it may be important to do less."

First of all, I've known about the concept of song for quite awhile now. And I understand that the spelling of the word being the same as the word for a piece of vocal music is completely coincidental, but I still like to think of them as related. My best moments of singing are the ones where I find relaxation and tranquility. Song creates relaxation and tranquility in my life. Over the past several years, I have also learned that I was physically working way too hard to try to sing correctly. I'm learning that be doing less, I can often achieve more.

The next quote (from the same book) reminded me of Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." Neither God nor Qigong will make our troubles go away, but we can find peace in the middle of the tempest.
"Taiji means the balance point between yin and yang, the place of stillness amid change. Finding the Taiji state of mind is equivalent to finding what Thoreau called 'the witness self,' an aspect of the self that is untouched by life's turmoil and that can be accessed during times of difficulty."

Here is one of my favorite quotes and I believe it 100 percent:

"Writing is an act of hope. It is a means of carving order from chaos, of challenging one's own beliefs and assumptions, of facing the world with eyes and heart wide open."

--from The Writer's Idea Book by Jack Heffron

Writing is how I figure things out. I learn when I write. Usually I it's when I'm blogging or journaling, but occasionally, I learn something from writing fiction too.

A character in my novel (yes, the one I am currently writing) said something quite profound and I didn't realize it until I reread it later. She was trying to justify her actions and explain to my main character that it's all about power. Everything we do is about power. My main character is the leader of this group and therefore has power, but Trish pointed out a few other ways that Alanna seeks power. I won't quote the whole passage, but one of the things Trish tells Alanna is that she (Alanna) is a fixer. She's always trying to make things better for people. And fixing is power.

When I reread that, it hit me. I'm a fixer. I want people to be happy. And in many cases, it has transformed situations where I felt powerless. The danger comes when the fixing is more about me than about others. I think that this is what Trish was accusing Alanna of, making the situation better to make herself feel better, not really to help the other people.

Today, the Dalai Lama's tweet says,"Compassion is a feeling from deep in the heart that you cannot bear someone else's suffering without taking steps to relieve it."

I'm rethinking power. I'm not sure I really need it anymore, at least not in the way I used to view it. But that doesn't mean I need to stop being a fixer. I just need to fix because I feel compassion so strongly that I have no other choice but to make a difference.

It's Been a Good Week

2011-10-22T19:04:00.002-05:00

This week:

1. I did something brave. Two brave things actually, but no I'm not brave enough to share what I did with the world.

2. I did something I didn't want to do, but needed to do. (But I still have a giant "I Don't Wanna" to tackle).

3. I did something extremely time consuming but very rewarding.

4. For one day of my long weekend, I found a balance between working and resting.

Not bad. I think I'll need to try all of those things again soon.

NaNoWriMo anyone?

2011-10-11T06:59:00.001-05:00

The new site just launched for nanowrimo.org and now the fun begins. Officially the writing starts on November 1st, but things start to pick up in the forums in October as people share what they are doing to get ready. And what am I doing to get ready?

I'm trying to decide if I can really pull it off this year. So lucky you, you get to read my personal debate. On the plus side, maybe as I try to convince myself, I'll convince you to.

1. NaNo often leads to sleep deprivation, neglect of friends and family, a messy house (because who wants to take the time to clean when you have a writing deadline?), and doing just enough at work, but skipping the "extras". Yeah, I should be concerned about that, but let's look at my life currently: sleep deprived, no social life beyond FB and my colleagues at work, messy house, and weeks behind in my planning and organizing the studio. So I guess I can't use these excuses. How much worse can it get?
2. My social life actually improves during November as I make the time to go to write-ins and spend time with people that understand my serious obsession.
3. Creativity gives me energy. I often feel better in November even though I'm busier.
4. I can't decide what to write about. I can't really use that excuse since my best year so far is the novel I wrote when I started 10 days late and had no idea what I was writing about.
5. I'll have to haul my computer to and from school everyday. Yes, it's heavy and adds to my shoulder tension and pain when I carry it too much, but I suppose it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I pull out the rolling back pack again.
6. I've been encouraging other people to do this, and they won't be happy if I drop out and leave them to make the journey alone.

I know there were a few other reasons why I shouldn't do NaNo, but I can't remember them right now, so it looks like the good things outweigh the bad.

My author name/username is robinejm, so look me up on the site and let me know where I can find you. And please, please, please join me in this crazy, life-changing adventure.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Time Wasters

2011-10-05T18:54:00.001-05:00

Yes, the Internet and all the cool things there can really be time wasters. But today I want to talk about the serious wasters in our lives, the things that have been wasting the time (or money or energy) of humans for millenia.

For example:
1. Having to go to the bathroom. Yes, I do know that it serves an important biological function by helping remove waste from the body, but seriously, what a waste of time.

2. Eating. While sometimes enjoyable, with the time spent preparing, eating and cleaning up after our meals we could accomplish major things.

3. Travel. When do we get "beam me up" technology?

4. Shopping. OK, there are some people that enjoy this, but I'd be perfectly happy if clothes that look good on me just magically appeared in my closet.

5. Shaving. Couldn't we just opt out of this. No, I don't want expensive hair removal. I just want to check a box and hair doesn't grow any more.

And as long as we're on the subject of what I really want, how about one of those machines from the Jetsons where you walk in one side and come out the other just seconds later showered, shaved, dressed etc?

What do you hate wasting time on?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Negotiations

2011-09-18T10:25:00.001-05:00

It used to be that when I had a Fibromylagia flare-up or got sick that I would think or say, "My body hates me." I don't believe that anymore. Over the years, I've learned that pain, fatigue, and illness are my body's way of reminding me that I need to take care of myself. My body lets me know if I'm pushing myself too hard, eating the wrong things, or not getting enough rest. Now that I understand what my body is saying, I can usually make adjustments and get back on track fairly quickly (although sometimes not as quickly as I want).

One of the big things I'm learning as I get older is that "doing my best" means doing my best without compromising my physical, emotional, or spiritual health. When I was younger, it just meant that I should push myself harder. If I wasn't dead, I could do more. To be honest, that philosophy helped me accomplish some amazing things, but I was miserable. Not just woe-is-me misery, but feeling-like-I-might-die-but-I-couldn't-possibly-be-that-lucky misery.

But I'm over that. Like I said, I now listen to my body and make the necessary changes and I'm much happier. Most of the time. This week started with a fibromyalgia flare-up. I called in sick for the Parent Open House and went to bed early. For the next few days, I made sure to take my meds, do relaxation exercises and get to bed early so my body had plenty of time to recover. I was managing the flare-up fairly well. I thought my body and I had come to an agreement about how hard I could push myself this year.

I was wrong. My body starts out with little reminders like pain and fatigue. When it doesn't get what it wants, it increases the intensity or throws in something else. So when my attempts at slowing down my life were not enough,my body took the next step and weakened my normally strong immune system just enough for me to get the Back-to-School cold. I felt it starting on Friday morning, and hoped that I was wrong or that a few immune system builders would help keep it away. By the time I left work on Friday, I knew I had lost the battle. I stopped at Target to get the supplies I would need to get me through the weekend. Then I went home and started treating the cold symptoms instead of trying to fight it off.
This is the nastiest cold I have had in a very long time. I've been through almost 4 boxes of Kleenex since Friday night. I'm resting. I'm getting lots of liquids. I'm doing nasal sinus irrigation. I'm doing Qigong exercises to strengthen my immune system and my lungs, and clear my sinuses. I'm taking meds to ensure that this doesn't turn in to a sinus infection, an ear infection, and bronchitis, which used to happen regularly whenever I had any respiratory illness. I'm trying to figure out what other things my body wants from me because I have to work on Monday. Recovered or miserable, I need to be there. Yes, I'm self-employed and can take time off whenever I need to, but I don't get paid sick days. If I miss and I don't want to give up the money, I have to make it up at a later date. How do I make my body understand this? Dear body: I know you liked the summer schedule, but that schedule doesn't pay the bills. I can come straight home from work and go to bed early every night, but I have to be functional at work. So get over this, OK. You have until 6am tomorrow.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Side-effects

2011-09-08T07:37:00.001-05:00

I'm lying in bed waiting for the allegy meds to kick in. I'm glad I have them, even though it means I'm going to be a little groggy and super dry most of the day. Neither side-effect is helpful when teaching voice lessons, but they are preferrable to the alternative which is blowing my noise for 3 minutes every 5 minutes to remove the gallons (maybe a slight exaggeration) of snot.
I'm also waiting for pain meds to start working. I only take them in the day time when the pain is bad enough that I'm willing to risk being nauseated and dizzy for a few hours.
I won't take you through my entire list of drugs, but hopefully you get the point. Anyone out there who preaches no meds, has never been miserable enough to need them. Generally I agree that singers should avoid anti-histamines if possible, using sinus rinses and other "natural" methods of keeping the airways free of allergens. But I would never tell someone to never use them, because they live in that body. They know how it responds, and they know what they can endure. I like my doctor's philosophy. He says that all drugs have bad side effects, but some if them also do something good.
Right now, I have two friends with cancer. One is doing chemo and radiation treatments determined to suffer whatever is necessary to beat the cancer. The other friend is halfway through her chemo, has never wanted it, but reluctantly agreed to it, and is considering stopping it. At first, I couldn't understand her perspective. She'd really rather gave cancer that a few months of torment? Her answer is yes, she'd rather have the cancer. The other day, when I was telling my mom about my friends, she said that if she was diagnosed with cancer, she might choose to just let it run it's course and live the rest of whatever time she had as fully as possible. It kind if surprised me, but once again reminded me that healing is not the same as curing, and each individual has to choose the path that is best for them. Only that person knows what it is like to live in that body, so only he or she can decide what is best for that body.
I'm glad that I live in a time when modern scientific medicine and ancient healing tecniques offer many options for coping with my challenges. I'm also working hard to remember to share what I know has worked for me, without implying that it is the one and only solution for everyone.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Funerals

2011-08-29T14:51:00.003-05:00

As a musician, I get the opportunity to share in some of the most joyful and some of the saddest days in people's lives. Today I played for the funeral of a 5 year old little girl. It was an interesting experience as we tried to honor and respect the religious and cultural differences of those in attendance, and there were some major differences.

The viewing/visitation was held just prior to the funeral in another room at the church. I had been asked to play some quiet music on the piano there until just before the funeral. To be honest, I think that some people were uncomfortable with me there, but I know others felt comforted by the music. Sometimes it was just me and the little girl alone in the room. The piano was right by the casket, so I was witness to the sorrow and mourning of many individuals. As a stranger, I couldn't do much to comfort them, but through music, I created a place of peace for them to say goodbye.

There were two beautiful things that I really l loved. First, as I got to the chapel, those already seated were having a pre-funeral funeral, with singing and speaking. I didn't understand the language, but I felt the love. Second, no one that spoke at the funeral stood alone. (Even the Bishop had a translator at his side.) The others had one or more friends or family members that came and stood with them, holding a hand, touching a shoulder, giving love and support. There certainly aren't any rules about not having extra people there, but we generally think of the pulpit as a "one-at-a-time" place and the speaker somehow becomes isolated and set apart from the congregation. I loved seeing one woman who had had a particularly difficult time during the viewing, come up to stand with the mother as she spoke. I don't know their relationship, but I could see the love.

Sitting in this funeral made me think once again about what I want my funeral to be like. Long ago, my father told us that he wanted to be buried in a pine box, and he wanted "Ghost Riders in the Sky" and "Happy Trails" for the music. I'm not sure if he ever got Mom to commit to that. She believes that funerals are for the living. (She does have her own funeral program planned, however. But, I might need to get the updated version since I know that at least 1 person she wants to participate is much older than she is.)

Anyway, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but here are the things I would like to have.

1. No organ prelude music. I want congregational a cappella singing before the funeral. Mormons might not know what to do, but I'm sure they'll pick up
on it. Some awesome call and response stuff would be great too. And don't just sing the slow funeral songs.

2. I want a brass quintet to play "Amazing Grace".

3. Musical numbers or hymns should include, "Though Deepening Trials","Lead, Kindly Light", "How Firm a Foundation" and the Richard Walters arrangement of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". OK, yes, the first two are slow, depressing funeral songs, but I like them. I'd also like Nancy Pratt to sing "Guide Me to Thee" She knows which arrangement.

4. Lots of music, a few people sharing memories, minimal sermonizing.

5. I would love some Dixie land jazz as postlude, but that might be pushing things a bit.

6. Mormons don't do wakes, but our family does the next best thing. After the funeral and burial, the family gathers for a meal and lots of visitng. I want that. And it's totally OK if they don't even talk about me. I miss the huge gatherings we used to have for Grandma Finlayson's birthday. Since her death, we don't get together as much. For my funeral, I want everyone that can make it to be there and share memories of their childhood, their families, and the things that make us who we are.

Funerals are a time to mourn, a time to celebrate a life, a time to re-assess our own goals and desires. This little girl brought joy to the lives of all who knew her. I'd better start living my life so that they can say that about me, because in the end, nothing else really matters.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Happy Birthday Mom!

2011-08-27T19:52:00.004-05:00

Today is my mom's birthday. And of course, although it's been on the To-Do list for a week, I didn't get the card sent. Actually, if I ever got a card of any kind sent to my parents before the date of the event, they wouldn't know how to deal with it. Mom would think I had been replaced by a pod person from the planet Mars. It would cause all sorts of trouble, I'm sure. But since I can't get my act together enough to send cards, I try to call and/or send an e-card. Or like today, I blog and send a link.

Mom is the normal one in the family...kind of. There is the issue of her Warner sense of humor. It's totally warped, and none of us with Warner blood can escape it. But really, who would want to. It makes life a lot more fun.

My mom loves words. Her love of words and her sense of humor mean that I always have someone to share awful (or wonderful) puns with. However, she is also the grammar queen and although newer rule books allow it, she would correct that last sentence saying, "Never use a preposition to end a sentence with." We used to watch the local news out of a small town in Idaho and she would have to jump up and get her dictionary to check and see if the newscaster had pronounced a word correctly or used it correctly. (Usually Mom was right and the people on the TV were wrong.) It was lots of fun, really, and educational for all of us too. One year, my dad gave her an unabridged dictionary as a gift. She was totally excited about it. How nerdy is that! I love it, love her, and love that monster dictionary. (Can you put me down for that in the will?)

Speaking of strange gifts, one year my mom's friends and my dad's co-workers gave Dad a really bad time about the gift he gave Mom. She came to his defense saying that the chain saw was exactly what she wanted. And it was true. Yes, she likes pretty stuff (see my Hyacinths post), but she's very practical. They needed a chain saw, she needed a gift, money was short...it was the perfectly logical choice.

Mom knows how to make the best of whatever she has to deal with. She thinks that we were traumatized by some of the events in our childhoods, but some of those hard times are my favorite memories. One year we ran out of heating oil before the end of the winter and didn't have money for more. We closed off the rest of the house and basically lived in the living room, kitchen, and bathroom, heating that space with space heaters and whatever heat the oven generated while in use. It may not be one of her favorite memories, but to me, it was an adventure.

My mom could also make tasty food from whatever cheap ingredients she had. I haven't made these in years, since I now have serious issues with what goes into hot dogs, but I loved these dishes as a kid.
Recipe #1: Roll hot dogs in mustard and then in corn flake crumbs. Bake in the oven.
Recipe #2: Slice hot dogs length-wise and fry them in BBQ sauce. Stir in cooked macaroni and more sauce.

(Just in case you are wondering, she can make real food too.)

My mom does have a couple of weird food things. She can buy a chocolate bar or ice cream and eat a little at a time through the week. How is this even possible??

My mom is probably the person most responsible for me becoming a musician. She is a singer, pianist, and music teacher and I grew up surrounded by music. In fact, because I heard it so much, I was singing in Italian before I knew the ABC song. She also made my music lessons a priority. I know that there were times that the money could have been used for other very important things, but she found a way to pay for my lessons.

My mom set a wonderful example of the importance of life-long learning. She is super intelligent and curious. How many people do you know that read Einstein for fun? We joke that my dad knows more useless trivia than anyone else we know, but I'm betting that Mom could give him a run for his money. And truly, no knowledge is useless. It just gets filed away until you encounter a situation where you need it. From my mom, I learned a love of history, especially British history. Mom and I had a plan to take a trip to England for the year that she turned 50 and I turned 30. (Maybe we started with 40-20. I can't remember.) Anyway, neither one of us has been able to afford it so we haven't been there yet, but someday we are going together. The joke now is that it will be when we are 100 and 80 and I'll be pushing her wheelchair.

I have been incredibly blessed to have 2 very open-minded, compassionate parents. My mom is a seeker of truth and know that truth comes to many people. She shares what she believes and listens and learns from the beliefs of others. When I bought my tickets to the Dalai Lama events in MN last spring, I sent her an email because I knew she was one of the few people that would understand how excited I was. She once commented that she wished Pope John Paul II was still alive because she would like to hang a trio of pictures of him, the Dalai Lama, and Thomas S. Monson and call it her wall of heroes. I told her she should do it anyway. These men radiate love and that's the kind of people that are her heroes.

Because my mom is only twenty years older than me and I was always very mature (that means nerdy, responsible, couldn't understand dumb kid stuff)some people thought we were sisters. Mom says sometimes she was the mom and sometimes I was the mom (yes, I did have some bossiness issues). We took care of each other, we worried about each other, we went to shows and concerts together. We've been known to start singing the same tune at the same time, in the same key and the same place in the song. Neither one of us can draw to save our lives, but when we are a team for Pictionary, we beat my artist dad and brothers. We can recognize each other's sad attempts at art. I can't remember who said it first, but it has been noted that sometimes we share a brain. And if I'm going to share a brain, I can't think of anyone better to share it with than my wonderful friend, my mom.

Happy Birthday, Mom! Start saving those pennies for England.

Learning NOT to Multi-task

2011-08-11T20:36:00.001-05:00

My name is Jeannine, and I am a multi-tasker.

I'm on Week 1 Day 2 of my 10 week "Making Healthier Choices" plan. Right now, I'm not eliminating all the "bad" stuff and forcing myself to do "good" stuff, I'm just making little changes.

So, today after a LONG day of teaching, I let myself stop and get pizza on the way home. "Wait a minute!" you say. "How is that a healthier choice?" Here is where the healthier part comes in. I tend to do other things while I eat. I can accomplish a lot while I'm eating a meal. To be honest, I can't remember the last time (before tonight) that I ate a meal without doing several other things. The big problem with that is that then I tend to overeat...a lot. My healthy choice today was to eat my pizza, but just eat my pizza. I couldn't do anything else.

It was hard. I mean really, really hard. I even had to take a break to read the mail. Yeah, I know that technically that means that I didn't eat the whole meal without doing anything else, but the important part is that I didn't eat while I was doing something else.

In our culture, multi-tasking is praised and seen as a skill to develop if you want to really go places in the world. In many ways, multi-tasking has allowed me to achieve things that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. But...I think that there is something to be said for being completely focused on one thing, being fully present, and slowing down.

There is a time and place for multi-tasking, but I think I spend too much of my life there. I've found recently that I'm even starting to multi-task my Tai Chi. "Check your breath. Check your alignment. Keep your heel down. Feel that weight shift." Yes, I do need to tweak all those things, but I also need to sometimes just do the form. Move it, feel it, observe it, be present. Then surprisingly, several of those other issues that I was trying to fix all at the same time kind of fix themselves.

My dinner experiment was tough, but I think I'm going to keep doing it for at least one meal a day. Be present, enjoy the food, and stop when I've had enough.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Where the Music Comes From

2011-08-05T07:12:00.001-05:00

I have a student working on Lee Hoiby's "Where the Music Comes From" and we had a wonderful discussion yesterday about what we think the words meant to the composer and what they mean to each of us.

This is a pretty good recording, although she doesn't sing it quite the way I would. (Each singer brings their own life experiences to the music, which of course, would make her performance different from mine).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lacnk2cwElU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

You can read the text here:
http://stephanieadrian.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/lee-hoiby-where-the-music-comes-from/

A while back, I wrote a post about some of my theme songs, songs that have given me courage and strength over the last 20 years. Those songs include "Hold On" from Secret Garden, "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, and "I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles. I think "Where the Music Comes From" is my current theme song. (Glenda will be so proud that I've finally got an Art Song as a theme song. And you should remember that I recently posted about 3 of the most beautiful pieces ever written and 2 were Art Songs and the other was an opera aria.)

Just that list provides insight to where I've been in my journey. "Hold On" was a reminder from a dear friend that even when it seemed like the world and my health were conspiring against me, I could ride out the storm and still succeed. "Defying Gravity" was when I finally quit letting the world (and my health) get to me and I decided to push the boundaries and do what was right for me. "I Am What I Am" was about accepting and loving myself and giving up worrying about what the rest of the world thinks.

"Where the Music Comes From" is the essence who I am, who I've always been, the person that was trapped under all that other garbage. It is peace, but it's also a hunger, a desire to connect with the beauty all around, to the oneness of all that is. I want to grow. I want to feel. I want to love.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Tonglen practice

2011-08-05T04:24:00.001-05:00

For years, I have been using deep breathing with visualizations for meditaion, relaxation, and pain relief. The general idea is that with each inhalation, you bring in health, peace, joy, relaxation etc. I often use the imagery of light and energy flowing into whatever part of my body is experiencing pain or tension. With the exhalation, you then release the pain, tension, negative emotions, etc. It is actually quite powerful and effective and recommended not just by spiritual guides and practioners of alternative medicine, but allopathic doctors and psychologists as well.

A few months back, I attended two events featuring the His Holiness the Dalai Lama and a Tibetan medical conference, where I was introduced to the concept of Tonglen practice. I must admit, that I only know the very basics of this, and I'm just beginning to understand it's immense power, but already it is having a huge affect in my life. You can read a little more about it here:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen

At first, this seemed very strange to me. Tonglen practice was completely opposite of the strategies I had used previously. Inhale the bad stuff and exhale the good stuff? How would that make me feel better? Plus, my mind is still far too accustomed to Western thinking and duality. If something is the opposite of another thing that we have identified as right and good, then then new thing must be wrong and bad. I love the Chinese concept of yin and yang. Both are necessary for wholeness, and each contains a seed of the other. I can choose to inhale light and exhale pain, or I can inhale suffering and exhale compassion, depending on the situation and my goals. What I've found is that I love Tonglen meditation, and in some ways it is even more powerful than the more "traditional" breathing imagery. I inhale suffering, but the process of converting it to compassion to be exhaled purifies it. I grow stronger, and strangely, more peaceful as well, by taking on the suffering of others.

I started out with little things and small changes. Because of my ADD and fibromyalgia, it is difficult for me to sit through church and stay focused. We are encouraged to come not just with an attitude of seeking spiritual nourishment, but with an attitude of "How can I serve those around me?" Because I don't stay for Sunday School or the social gatherings that happen once a month after church, I don't have a lot of opportunities to reach out to others while at church. The service I attend does not involve much participation of the congregation or interaction with other members. But, I can focus on the pain and suffering of those around me and inhale that and exhale compassion. If nothing else, my love for them grows, and I am more focused during the meeting.

Recent health challenges of family and friends have given me more opportunties for Tonglen practice. I send messages of encouragement, but I can't always be there to help them through the rough times. I like to think that breathing in their suffering and breathing out compassion for them helps their healing. But even if it doesn't, it increases my love for them, and I believe that love is incredibly powerful and has no boundaries of time or space.

Yesterday as I waited at a stop light, I had another opportunity to apply my new Tonglen practice skills. The light was red, and there were several people waiting to make right turns, which is legal at this intersection if there is no oncoming traffic. Someone a car or two back evidently determined that the first car had missed some good opportunities to go, and therefore, honked their horn to show their disapproval. This totally annoys me, even when I'm not the one being honked at. If you are not to first person in line, you really don't have a clear view of the oncoming traffic. Plus, you have no idea how long it will take that first car to get moving and up to speed. Only that driver knows. So, of course, I became frustrated and upset at the honker and immediately felt the physical responses to that negative emotion. My heart began to beat faster. My muscles tensed. The flight or fight response kicked in and I was ready for a fight. I try to avoid road rage and usually think things like, "Let it go," or "Think positive thoughts," but this time I decided to do a little Tonglen practice instead. As I focused on the suffering of the annoying horn honker, I realized that there may be other reasons beyond rudeness and impatience for his or her behavior. Perhaps there was a family emergency that the person was in a hurry to deal with. Maybe they were late to an appointment due to other complications beyond their control. Maybe they had just had a crappy day and were taking it out on someone else. These thoughts did not justify their behavior, but they did help me to move away from being so judgemental. I still felt protective of the person in the car that they honked at, but I no longer felt the anger or frustration at the offending party, just a renewed commitment to be more understanding of situations when I don't know all the details (which is pretty much all the time). It also was the deepest, slowest inhalation I had done all day, and I'd been teaching voice lessons all day, so that says a lot. That's the thing about inhaling suffering, it is never hard to find, or in short supply. (If you are not aware of the suffering in the world, read this post:
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=5879 and learn a little.) Although love and light and peace are also never in short supply, sometimes it's harder to let enough in for a good deep breath of it.

I'm still a baby when it comes to Tonglen practice and I have much to learn, but what I know and what I've experienced so far have changed me and my responses to the world. Ultimately, Tonglen practice is not just about changing how we think or feel about others, although that us extremely important. What is most important is that compassion drives us to action, to say or do things to help lessen the suffering of ourselves and others.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Summer Vacation

2011-07-26T08:22:00.001-05:00

During my summer, I teach a much lighter load and enjoy long weekends nearly every weekend. Some years, I also get to travel to conventions, reunions, or to see family. But I rarely do anything that I would really call a vacation. This weekend, that changed. I did something totally fun that didn't have any work or family connections. After 15 years in MN, I finally spent a weekend at a cabin up north. And I loved it.

We arrived about 3pm on a warm, sunny afternoon and then went swimming in the lake.

Later, I sat at the kitchen table and tried to read, but I was totally unable to focus on the book. The gentle movement of the trees in the breeze, the delicate features of the hummingbird at the feeder just outside the window, and The Muldau playing softly on the radio created an intense moment of peace and beauty that I didn't want to abandon for a formulaic novel.

After dinner we went for a boat ride around the island. The island and lake are beautiful and I loved being on the water.

We walked back down to the dock to watch the amazing sunset. Once again, my iPhone camera doesn't show things exactly as I saw them, but I still really like these pictures.

The lake inspired me to write and as I was writing, and later as I was trying to fall asleep, I finally figured out the big missing pieces to a story I wrote ages ago. There is still a lot of work to be done on it, but at least now I know what I am doing.

The second day there was rainy and cold, so I didn't get to spend more time in the water, but I really enjoyed the day anyway. We did Tai Chi. We read. We went for a walk. We put together a puzzle. We talked.

Good company, wonderful food, and a beautiful location plus reading, writing, swimming, and Tai Chi created the perfect vacation for me. Now I'd better post this and get ready to go back to the real world of work.

Today's profound thoughts

2011-07-21T20:57:00.001-05:00

Just in case you were starting to think that I have amazingly deep and profound thoughts all the time, I've decided to share a little of what normally goes on in my brain.

I am a reader. I don't even really try to read, but I notice things and read them whether I want to or not. Today while stuffing my face with potato chips, I happened to read the bag:
"MADE WITH ALL NATURAL INGREDIENTS"
First of all, if we're not supposed to type in all caps because that is like yelling at someone, why do companies use all caps on their labels?
Second, though I appreciate their efforts to avoid all that nasty artificial stuff, I'm eating potato chips. If at this moment I really cared about putting only the best in my body, I wouldn't be eating potato chips. There are no "healthy" potato chips. Some just kill you slower than others.

Then turning to the back of the bag, I see "It all starts with farm-grown potatoes" and "farm-grown potatoes" is in bold.

Number 1, I am from Idaho and should probably know the answer to this question, but help me out anyway. Can potatoes be grown in greenhouses? I thought the options were a farm or a garden.

Number 2, Why are they emphasizing farm-grown? Is that supposed to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? There are some wonderful farms, and some farms do horrible things to the environment (and the food they grow). Which kind of farm did these potatoes come from?

Yes friends, these are the kind if thoughts that fill me head most days. I'm so glad I have all of you to occassionally inspire me to deeper things.

-- Posted from my iPhone

The power of music

2011-07-17T17:49:00.001-05:00

Yesterday's Hyacinths post got me thinking about the power of music. Today I'm sharing a clip from my favorite opera where music causes us to share in a character's despair and determination, and hopefully through that be moved to take action to see that no one else lives through that. Then there is a clip from one of my favorite movies where a character uses music to hold onto beauty and hope, and to avoid despair.

Magda in The Consul is my dream role and this amazing aria is one of the reasons I love this opera. The other reason I love it is because it is real. Yes, these characters are fictional, but the things they face are not. No specific time or place is given as the setting. It was written during the Cold War, but this story is still happening all over the world. Politics and bureaucracies and petty differences keep us from seeing that real people, real lives are at stake. Magda ends the aria with these words: "Oh! the day will come, I know, when our hearts aflame will burn your paper chains. Warn the Consul, Secretary, warn him. That day neither ink nor seal shall cage our souls. That day will come."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIB9cGlLkm0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The next clip is from Shawshank Redemption and pretty much explains itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKPVDjEkC0c&feature=youtube_gdata_player
-- Posted from my iPhone

Hyacinths

2011-07-16T19:36:00.001-05:00

I brought my laptop home, but somehow left the power cord at school, so I'm blogging from my phone again. When I get to a real computer, I'll embed the YouTube videos or change them to links. For now, just do the old -fashioned cut-and-paste into your browser.

My mom enjoys spending time making her home beautiful. As you know if you've ever been to my house, I'm a total failure in that department. It's not that I don't want a beautiful home, it's just that I don't want to spend the time and money to do it. I was explaining this to my mom and she quoted one if her favorite poems.

"If, of thy mortal goods, thou art bereft,
And from thy slender store two loaves
alone to thee are left,
Sell one & from the dole,
Buy Hyacinths to feed the soul"
-Muslihuddin Sadi,
13th Century Persian Poet

I love the idea. We all need beauty in our lives and nourishing our souls through beauty is as important as nourishing our bodies with food. But, I'm a bread addict, and hyacinths can cause irritation to people like me with sensitive skin.

Seriously though, being able to see and experience beauty is essential to our well being. My house might not be beautiful, but I see beauty every day. I have to be really careful about driving at sunset, because sometimes I get so caught up in the breath-taking view that I forget to pay attention to driving. I'll pull over at random times to take pictures of trees or flowers. I crave beauty and I have to get me fix every day.

Here are 3 of my "hyacinths" from this week. OK, to be honest, it hasn't just been this week. These are songs I come back to frequently. The ending of the first one brings me to tears every time. The other two are definitely in the top ten most beautiful songs ever written. These songs speak to me. They tear at my soul and make me feel whether I want to or not. They may not have the same effect on you, but find the songs, or the art, or whatever beauty that exists that makes you feel something beyond yourself and keep it close for those times when you need "hyacinths".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC0qzrGA0MI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQZep0kWD9Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfXJ72qZftA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

-- Posted from my iPhone

10 things I've Never Done

2011-07-14T22:57:00.001-05:00

Today a friend posted something on Facebook and said something like "it was even more awesome than hp7.2." I wondered what new computer/software/gadget release I had missed. A few hours later I figured it out--the new Harry Potter movie. Most of my "cool" friends either went to the midnight showing or will see it this weekend. I've never been to a movie on opening weekend. Usually I wait until it's at the cheap theatre or on DVD. If I do make it while it's at the first run theatre it's usually a few weeks into the showing and there are at most 20 of us in the theatre. I don't like crowds, and I don't function well enough late at night to ever enjoy a midnight movie. And all that got me thinking about things that most of my friends do quite regularly that I've never done. So here's my list of 10 things, and no, my life is not empty or pathetic without them. I'm quite happy, thank you.

1. I've never been to the midnight opening of a movie.
2. I've never been to a rock concert. (The closest I've been to anything like that has been concerts by Linda Eder, Mandy Patinkin, and Riders in the Sky. BTW, those were three separate concerts, they didn't all perform together, although that would definitely be interesting.)
3. I've never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld.
4. I've never been to NYC to see shows.
5. I've never been to LDS General Conference in Salt Lake City.
6. I've never had a desire to sing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (but it is pretty awesome to have friends in the choir.)
7. I've never had any piercings; even my ears are unpierced.
8. I've never dyed my hair (but I did use colored hair gel and had numerous perms in the 80's.)
9. I've never been to Mexico.
10. I have never even come close to using all the minutes and texts allowed on my cell phone plan (and I have the cheapest plan available.)
Bonus one--I've never spelled theatre with er at the end instead of re. Call me a snob and maybe a movie place should be er, but if it has a stage, it deserves the best, most proper spelling.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Learning at my own pace

2011-07-05T21:26:00.001-05:00

I very clearly remember that when I was in elementary school I really wished I could go to a school where I could learn at my own pace. There were many areas where I felt held back by the other kids who were progressing at an average rate. There were also some things that I wanted and needed more time on to feel like I really knew and understood.

As a student, and as a teacher I have been frustrated by deadlines. "All students should master these skills by this date" just doesn't work for me. Voice lessons gives me a little more freedom to help the student see that the journey is more important than the destination, but still I have to deal with getting kids ready for an audition or contest by a certain date. And these kids really want to do these things.

I have had several students over the years with sincere desire and a great work ethic that simply are not yet vocally ready for what they want to do. And it's not their fault or mine. They will get there eventually, but probably long after these current opportunities have passed.

It's not just school where we see this. Even at church, there is the pressure of a "deadline". We are reminded to always put things in an eternal perspective (in the big picture, does it really matter that your friend got in the musical and you didn't), but at the same time, we get one lifetime to get it together, and if you don't, too bad for you for all of eternity. Sometimes it makes me want to believe in reincarnation where I keep getting chances until I get it right.

I don't have a solution for learning at your own pace in formal education or religion, but I have found a wonderful gift in Tai Chi. I have found a place where I can learn and grow as fast or as slow as I need to. There is no perfection in Tai Chi. There is always something to work on and improve. How many new moves we learn may be dictated by how quickly the class is picking up on it, but there is no piece of paper stating that we must get to such and such a point by a certain date. And if the overall learning pace is slower than mine, then I can use the extra repetitions to take it to a deeper level. I never feel like I am wasting time or being held back. If the overall pace of the class is a little faster than mine, then I do the best I can to get the overall shape and know that I will have time to improve later. I am not articulating this well, but what I'm trying to say is that for the first time in my life, I am really enjoying something (and hopefully improving too) without the pressure of deadlines or competition or having to be perfect. I'm simply doing what is right for me right now. And it's wonderful.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Nerd Alert

2011-07-01T14:39:00.001-05:00

I put up wallpaper today. Kind of. It's paper and it's on the wall, but it's not for the purpose of beautifying my home. In fact, I had to take down 3 nice pictures to put up the paper. It's kind of a long story, but here's the short version: I am a major nerd.

Read on if you are not surprised by that and would like more details.

In the fall of 2003, my friend announced at bookgroup that she would not be attending the next meeting because she would be participating in NaNoWriMo and trying to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. It sounded fun, but I put it in the "not for me right now" pile and let it go. But it didn't let me go. On November 10, I registered and then went on to win. (That means I wrote more than 50,000 words.) Also, although there are gaps that I need to fill in, I finished the novel in the sense that I got to the end of the story. Kind of.

It has a great ending, but one that begs for a sequel. So...since 2003, I've written big chunks of 4 more novels in this series, plus 2 short stories, plus a few pages of 2 more stories (or maybe they'll turn out to be novels too), and I have ideas that I want to explore in at least 7 more stories or books.

A couple years ago I was involved in a writing group. Several people in this group have since had stories or novels published. I had a great time and enjoyed being with them, but I couldn't really get excited about preparing my novel for publication. I decided that I didn't want to take the fun out of writing. It fed my soul, and I needed that, not the grueling and stressful acts of editing, rewriting, and revising. Granted, it may that I'm just too lazy to do the hard part of the writing process. But the point is, I decided to just keep exploring this world and these characters. I mentioned at one meeting that maybe I'm not writing several novels. Maybe I'm doing the world building for one major epic that would make James Michener's best look like a little book. Today, I'm pretty sure it's not just one book. I'm also pretty sure that I'm still exploring and trying to figure out the answers. There are questions that arise in the 2nd book, that every subsequent book or story has been trying to answer. I've found a few answers, but the characters are still revealing their world to me. And more questions arise with each new story.

My writing is not autobiographical, but my characters deal with situations and issues that I am dealing with at the time. In the first book, Holly struggles with pain, frustration and depression that are closely linked to her work and her gifts. I wrote that at a very difficult point in my life. If I had an awful day, I would come home, sit at the computer, and give Holly something even worse to deal with. Writing about her struggles helped me cope with my own. I found peace when she did. My roommate commented on how happy I was because of the writing.

This crazy bunch of stories about this world and these people keep calling to me. Some years I've written other novels for nano, but these people won't let me go. I can't go more than a year or so without at least rereading and jotting down notes for where I want to go in the future.

That's what the "wallpaper" is for. I have notes saved on my phone; I have a notebook with spidergraphs and lists; and of course, I have the stories themselves. But I need to be able to see it all at once--to put all these people and events on a time line, to draw line connecting people and describing relationships. And the best notes on a computer will not do that. (and I hate flipping back and forth between a million different pages) To be honest, I don't think the hall wall is big enough, but I need to rearrange the bedroom and move furniture in order to use the big wall there. Since I still haven't finished the closet cleaning project yet, I'm going to wait on the rearranging. The hall will give me a place for a first draft and I can always copy or enlarge later.

I guess it's better than giant posters of the blueprints for the Enterprise (which I think are totally cool, but I would never decorate with them), but I think a wall of story notes definitely earns me nerdom.

-- Posted from my iPhone

My Dad

2011-06-18T17:38:00.001-05:00

My dad is...what's the best way to put this...unique. I was tempted to use words like weird, crazy, warped, bizarre, etc., but not all my readers (all 3 of you) know that in my family, those words are compliments. He's not perfect, but he is an incredible man that really means a lot to me.

Of course my mother played a major role in helping me become the person I am today (and she'll get a post for that on her birthday since I missed Mother's Day), but the older I get, the more I realize just how much my dad influenced who I am and what I love.

When I was trying to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up (before college, not last week), I knew that it would involve either teaching or medicine. Today I am a teacher and I'm starting on a path to become a healer.

My dad didn't start his teaching career until I was a teenager, but he's always been a teacher. Kids are drawn to him. Maybe it's because he is just a taller, balder, grayer version of them. My dad never forgot how to be a kid. And he never forgot the challenges of being a kid. He's tough on his students, but they know that he cares. And sometimes he's been the only person that they felt did care. I couldn't help but be a teacher; it's in the blood on both sides of the family. But I'm grateful for the example he set in really caring for the individual student, not just their ID number and test scores. I hope my students know how much I worry about them when they have troubles and how much I rejoice with them when they succeed.

As I mentioned, I'm on the path to becoming a healer (more details at a later date) and I think I got that from my dad too. He's had first aid training and was always the go to guy when anyone in the neighborhood got hurt. To be honest, I'm not really sure how extensive his knowledge is, but we knew that he could take care of whatever happened. And I think that trust and the ability to put an injured person at ease did a lot towards helping the healing to begin.

Dad claims that my I got my musical talents from my mom, but I know some of it came from him too. He played the trumpet in HS and helped my brothers out when they were learning trombone and drums. It may not be what he spends his free time doing, but I refuse to believe that he is not musical.

Speaking of free time...my dad works until he is ready to drop and then watches TV and reads to relax and recharge. And his choice of TV shows, books, and movies reflects who he is and certainly shaped my personal philosophy.

My dad is a sci-fi fan and we've seen many shows together. We watched Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn so many times that we could quote all the best lines. Of course, with his super brain, that only took one viewing; I took a few more to get it. But it's not the quotes that formed my beliefs, but the concepts I learned through countless episodes and movies: there are always possibilities; the color of your skin, your gender, your political affiliations do not determine your value; family is worth sacrificing for, and that family may include people that you have no legal or blood connection to; those we perceive as the enemy can become our trusted friends, etc.

But enough about sci-fi. Let's get to the really nerdy stuff: comic books. You know, I didn't really appreciate them as a kid. Comic book collecting was just something Dad did. I don't know all his reasons for loving them, but here are a few things I've learned from comic books and super heroes: we all have alter egos and hopefully the public persona and the private persona both work for good in their own ways; we all have things that make us strange and different (and I wish I had some mutant superpowers) and it's those quirky things that allow us serve mankind; we all need wardrobe updates ocassionally, but drastic changes can make other people uncomfortable.

When we would watch Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris movies, I remembered being impressed by their skill, but it wasn't really my thing. But now I have found my thing, and surprise, it is based on the martial arts. I have issues with violence, and as much as I respected the discipline of the martial arts, it is still fighting and that bothered me. Tai Chi, however, is based on the same moves, balance, and discipline, but is a form developed for promoting health, not for battle. So once again, my dad and I have a lot to talk about.

Just to be clear, my dad is not a violent man; he just enjoys beat-em-up movies. My dad is actually one of the kindest most, most loving men you will ever meet. He will never be a rich man because he can't see people or a program in need and not do something about it. I don't know how many thousands of dollars he has spent over the years getting things to help his scouts. They didn't have enough tents, so he bought some. When my parents needed a new car, he bought a mini-van to make scouting trips easier. (Their kuds were all adults when they purchased their first mini-van). My dad will literally give you the shirt off his back. Well, maybe not the shirt, but he did take off his brand new coat and give it to someone he thought needed it more than he did.

I think part of my dad's incredible character comes from the heroes of his childhood: The Silver Screen cowboys. Roy Rogers and Gene Autry wore the white hats and there was never any doubt that they would do the right thing. Yes, I love me some Jack Bauer, and I know that unfortunately our world is much more like the world of 24 than any setting of a Roy Rogers movie, but still I miss knowing that their is a right choice and our hero will make it. Plus, I've never heard Kiefer sing, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be as good as Roy or Gene.

My dad's favorite scripture is Isaiah 49:31, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings of eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint."
He believes it. He lives it.

One day my mom made a comment that the Isaiah verse was dad's favorite, but Job 27:5 is who he is.
"...till I die I will not remove my integrity from me."
Of all the amazing things I have learned from my dad, this one is the most important.

Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you!

-- Posted from my iPhone

More Love

2011-06-05T17:23:00.001-05:00

I'm blogging from my phone today, so I can't make nice pretty links, but copy and paste these into your browser and you'll still go to the right places.

Love has been on my brain lately. You might remember this post on unbiased compassion.
http://notquitewhatyoudexpect.blogspot.com/2011/05/unbiased-compassion.html

Today I read this post
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=5010
and I'm thinking again about what it really means to love others.

A couple of years ago, I was asked to do "More Love" by the Dixie Chicks for a wedding. We ended up not doing it after all, but in the process if preparing it, I grew to love it. I loved the message, but I also loved it because it reminded me of the bride's father. He is one of the most loving, compassionate people I have ever met, and I think he passed this on to his children. Yes, it was about the couple that was getting married, but I think it was also their world view. We have our differences, but the most important thing is the love we share.

You can read the lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dixiechicks/morelove.html

or watch and listen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BBDpvPbdjc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

-- Posted from my iPhone

I love to cook

2011-05-30T14:21:00.001-05:00

I love to cook, and I'm good at it too. I just don't do it very often. But when I cook, I really cook. Today I made zucchini bake, potato soup, minestrone, and a yummy macaroni casserole that I've yet to name.

Last week, I went nuts at Aldi. In addition to bags and bags of canned goods, frozen veggies, and pastas, I bought way too much produce. It wasn't really too much. I just didn't cook/eat at home as much last week as I had planned to. Tuesday through Friday of this week are total craziness, so I knew that if I wanted to use this stuff I'd better do some cooking today.

I started out with the potato soup. I used my recipe for potato corn chowder, but made a few adjustments including adding carrots and celery. It turned out really well.

Then I used the onions, red pepper, green pepper, zucchini and tomatoes for the zucchini bake. I let it cool and then put it over pasta to make indivdual
meals.

I needed to use up the rest of the zucchini and pasta and some more of the celery, so I made up my own minestrone recipe throwing together some canned beans and tomatoes with some spices and frozen vegetables. I wish I had paid attention to how much if everything I was using, because the final product was amazing.

I had another green pepper to use, plus some green onions that wouldn't last much longer. A box of mac and cheese, a can of diced tomatoes with chilies, frozen corn, and some sharp cheddar cheese were added and I had a casserole.

And now I have freezer meals for quite awhile.

My mom's mother was a wonderful cook. I think sometimes my mom felt that she wasn't as good a cook as her mother, but my mother taught me a lot about creative cooking. My mom was a creative cook mostly out of necessity. We had some really lean times when I was growing up. It's hard to find variety when you have to keep coming back to the same really cheap basics. My mom could make delicious meals with hotdogs as the main ingredient. I do not like hotdogs, but I would eat those dishes.

I don't do much experimenting with hotdogs in my cooking, but I do enjoy seeing what I have and trying to make something tasty from it. And the more I do it, the better I get.

-- Posted from my iPhone

I am an iPhone camera

2011-05-21T19:22:00.001-05:00

I crave beauty. I've been stopping the car at random places to jump out and take pictures of beautiful flowers, trees, clouds, etc. People think I'm crazy, but I can't help it. Everything is so beautiful right now, and I want proof for those days when it seems there is nothing beautiful in the world.

The funny thing is that the pictures don't really show what I was seeing, but they are beautiful too. Sometimes it's a little frustrating when my camera phone can't capture what my eyes can. But, it's limited focus and the fact that it doesn't see light in the same way my eyes do, creates stunning effects. If I had a good camera, I couldn't get these pictures. I don't know how to create this, but my less than fantastic camera does and can.

Sometimes it's easy to get discouraged when my limitations and imperfections get in my way. But I'm also thankful for them. They make me who I am. There is incredible beauty in my life,not in spite of the difficult things, but because of them. And my limitations and imperfections sometimes let me see beauty that other people miss. I am an iPhone camera.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Curiosity

2011-05-17T13:42:00.001-05:00

I was going to just post some quotes about curiosity on FB, but a friend recently complained about a quote as a status, so to spare her, I'll blog about them instead.

I just got the summer catalog for Learning Life, courses offered through continuing education at the U of MN. I've been to a few of their classes/events and loved them. I think they are targeted towards retired people/senior citizens, but that doesn't bug me at all. I like hanging out with smart people regardless of their ages. Anyway, the catalog came. They are offering some amazing "Curiosity Camps" and I wish I could attend them all. They filled the blank spaces between course descriptions with quotes about curiosity.

This one is my favorite:
"My own curiosity and interests are insatiable."
Emma Lazarus, American poet

That so perfectly describes me. There are very few things that don't interest me. I will never run out of things I want to learn more about.

Here's another great one:
"Curiosity was framed. Ignorance killed the cat."
Anonymous

I might have to frame that one.

And finally, from Walt Disney:
"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we are curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."

-- Posted from my iPhone

Why I'm not a fan of seafood

2011-05-10T18:00:00.001-05:00

I've never really liked the taste of seafood, plus when served, it too often resembles what it looked like alive. I'm not a vegetarian, but I do have issues with the whole eating animals thing.

Yesterday at the Tibetan Medicine Conference, someone asked the panel about how Tibetans view the vegetarian diet. An important part of Tibetan medicine is identifying your constitution and then making choices about your food, activities, etc. based on that. Some people need a high protein diet and some need very little in the way of animal proteins. One of the panelists (an MD that uses aspects if Tibetan medicine in her practice) commented that Tibetan Buddhists do not each much fish. According to her, Buddhists see the taking of a life as something serious and 1fish feeds fewer people than 1cow. I almost laughed, not because it was a ridiculous concept, but because I've thought that my entire life, and thought I was completely alone. I won't eat shrimp because it takes several lives to make 1meal, but I do eat beef because many people can be fed by that one animal.

Maybe I was a Tibetan Buddhist in a former life. :)

-- Posted from my iPhone

Unbiased compassion

2011-05-08T19:41:00.001-05:00

Today I skipped church and spent the day with the Dalai Lama (and a few thousand other people). A concept that came up repeatedly was that of unbiased compassion. I'm not going to write about what he said as much as I want to explore what it means to me.

We hear a lot about unconditional love. I could write for hours just on what love means, but I'm not going to today. Lucky you. Unconditional obviously means without conditions. I will love you regardless of what you do or say or think. You ate the last cookie. I love you. You robbed a bank. I don't like what you did, but I still love you. You were responsible for genocide. God's gonna make you pay, but I love you.

Unbiased compassion might sound like the same thing, but I see subtle differences in this approach that I think make a huge difference in our personal peace and the peace of the world. I love this definition of compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it. Isn't that really what we are referring to when we talk of Christ-like love? And then when you make that compassion unbiased...wow!

As you know, I'm a dictionary nerd and I don't just read the definitions that obviously fit the
context in which the word was used. The verb form of bias means to give a settled and often prejudiced outlook to. If our compassion is biased we have judged whether or not that person is worthy of our compassion. But here's the cool definition: to apply a slight negative or positive voltage to (as an electron-tube grid). Totally wrong context, but it prompts deep thoughts. Positive versus negative energy and we choose based on how we feel about that person and their beliefs and actions. Unbiased compassion, on the other hand asks that we not only avoid judging others, but that we also recognize them as children of God (or the universe or the same creator). And because of that we want to serve them and alleviate their suffering.

Some people just radiate love. His Holiness the Dalia Lama is one of them and that's why I wanted to see him today. And now I have a lot of things to think about.

I'm going to leave you with a beautiful text that touched me. My favorite line is, "Enthused by wisdom and compassion". Love it!!!! But that's a post for another day

With the wish to free all beings,
I shall always go for refuge
To the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha
Until I reach the heart of awakening

Enthused by wisdom and compassion,
Today in the Buddha's presence
I generate the mind for enlightenment
For the benefit of all beings.

As long as space remains,
As long as sentient beings remain,
Until then, may I too remain
And dispel the miseries of the world.

It Takes Time

2011-05-07T12:07:00.000-05:00

I am loving my new journey of learning Tai Chi. And I am amazed (though I probably shouldn't be) and how many similarities there are between this and studying/teaching voice. When I first began my Master's degree in vocal performance, my teacher had me read Brenda Ueland's book If You Want to Write. She said to just substitute sing whenever Ueland said write. The book is amazing and has influenced me both as a writer and a singer. In Dr. Paul Lam's latest newsletter, I found an article and a link to a video that once again reminded me how closely related the things that I love are.

The article is actually the text from Brenda Hum's talk that she gave at a Tai Chi Conference. "What does the Spirit of Tai Chi Mean?" is a beautiful exploration of what Tai Chi can do for us as individuals and as a group. If you substitute the word music, you could give this talk at a music educators' conference. Please read it. All I can add is AMEN!

The video of Marty Kidder's talk is hilarious, especially as he shares "code" phrases for how to encourage your students and what the teacher might really be thinking. Students--I just want you to know that I've been using these phrases for years, and not because you are clueless, but for the reasons he states at the end. The pursuit of any worthy goal takes time and discipline and a willingness to risk and even embrace failure in order to learn.

Someone recently asked me about my interests and activities and I mumbled a few things and then felt like I must live a pretty boring life. I think she just caught me at a bad time. The truth is, I live a pretty amazing life. I love to explore--places, ideas, feelings. I read a lot. Lately it's been more news and blogs than books, but I can't stop reading. I love watching plants and animals and people. You can learn so much from quiet observation. I love music, tai chi, and writing and those 3 interests alone could provide a lifetime of learning and challenges. I'm not perfect, and I don't have to be to really enjoy them. The mastering of any skill or art takes time, and even the greatest masters never stop learning and practicing.

Live and Love

2011-05-07T10:15:00.001-05:00

I've discovered that when I type using the tiny touch keyboard on my iPhone, because the keys are so small, the o and i often get mixed up. Often I try to type that I love something and end up saying that I live it instead.

Is it really a mistake, or my subconscious telling me how important it really is? Do I live in a way that reflects the things and ideas that I love? Do I love the way I live?

I mix up of and if too, but I don't really have any profound thoughts about that.
-- Posted from my iPhone

I love Tai Chi

2011-04-30T21:21:00.001-05:00

Not wanting to bore my friends with the same status I've used a million times before, I've tried not to post "I love Tai Chi" as my FB status after every class, but I know I think it frequently. And today, I love it so much that it is my blog title, not just a status.

Once again, Saturday offered too many choices of good things, but I chose the one that I really needed--World Tai Chi and Qigong Day at Normandale Community College. I saw demonstrations of many styles and forms of Tai Chi (and participated in the demo of one form). There were also breakout sessions, a group meditation, and an amazing drum performance. I left energized and excited and educated about my future with Tai Chi and Qigong.

But before talking about the future, I need to share a little of the past. I first became interested in Tai Chi years ago when it was introduced as part of a class on Sociology and Health that I took from Dr. Aho at Idaho State University. The entire course was amazing, but I was particularly interested in Chi and it's place in Chinese health and society. For years, I casually looked for a Tai Chi class that fit my budget and schedule, which basically meant that it was all just wishful thinking. Then late in the fall of 2009, I decided that it was time to do something for me. During what was probably a mini-manic phase (because I actually thought I had the time and money), I called and made an appointment for a massage, signed up for Mini-Medical School at the U of MN, and enrolled in a Tai Chi class through our school district's Community Ed.

Technically, I'm morbidly obese (according to weight charts, although blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. are all at normal levels). Plus, I'm not the most coordinated person in the world. (We still laugh and wonder how I can play the organ which requires both hands and both feet all working together, when other things like learning to drive a car with a clutch were really hard). I love to dance, but it takes me a long time to learn the steps, and the directors and choreographers usually did a good job of hiding me in the back. Also, every gym/fitness class I ever took in high school or college was always the most stressful course in my load. I was a brain, and my physical lack of coordination, ability, etc. destroyed any joy I may have gotten from the experience because I was worried about my GPA being ruined because I was a clutz. (Did I mention that I frequently walk into walls?)

So, that huge rambling paragraph was just to illustrate the fact that although I was excited to finally explore Tai Chi, I was also a little frightened. Luckily, I happened to find one of the best Tai Chi instructors and programs.

I started with the Sun 31 form in January of 2010 and discovered that I could really do this and I loved doing it. I had only planned to do the one session, but I couldn't quit. In the Spring, I fell and broke my arm. (It was not a sports injury. I couldn't even blame it on the icy MN winter. The clutz stepped in a whole and fell). Because of the break, I missed a few weeks of class, but then when I was healed, I started attending twice a week to make up the missed classes. Twice a week was even better! I was definitely hooked.

Linda asked me to be her teaching assistant for the Sun 41 class in the fall. (41 is the form currently endorsed by the Arthritis Foundation and is very similar to the form I had already learned). I jumped at the oppotunity to get another hour of Tai Chi for free. This year has been awesome as I've polished my skills at Sun 41, learned Yang 24, and started learning the Fan Form.

One of the reasons that Linda's classes have been so good for me is that she is really good at reminding you to find what feels good for your body. It's not a competition; you don't have to meet certain proficiencies by a certain date; you just learn the basics and gradually refine it as your skill level and strength increases. This will probably sound bad, but I think that one of the things that allowed me to thrive in this class is that there were real people in the class, dealing with weight issues, health problems, and coordination challenges sometimes worse than my own. And Linda helped each of us to find how Tai Chi can best work for us.

Last year, as I was leaving class, another student commented on how graceful I was doing Tai Chi. Part of me laughed, but another part was super excited. I've been called many things, but I don't think I had even been called graceful. (I have the heart of a dancer, but even when I was thin, my body was not proportioned correctly. And if course there was that little balance/coordination issue). I came home and sent a message to my college dance instructor/choreographer knowing that he'd think it was as funny as I did. Last week, another student used the word graceful referring to me. Tai Chi is good for my self-esteem!

Seriously, it is good for my self-esteem. Actually, the last decade has been good for my self image. I used to be super critical of myself, and I'm learning to really like me, just the way I am. Yes, I really do need to lose weight, but I'm more comfortable in this body than I was in my 140 pound college body. I like who I am, and I find myself being less and less critical of this body, while at the same time making choices to make it better. On a bad day,I might have a thought or two about having my huge backside to a group of people in an exercise class, but even then, I just turn and do my thing and forget about it pretty quickly. My size doesn't get in the way of me helping these people to learn Tai Chi.

And today, my size actually helped someone and helped her to see that she can do Tai Chi too. Linda invited me to do the demo with the Normandale classes and instructors. I'm pretty comfortable in front of our class now, but this was an audience of strangers, and although I would be in a big group, it was a group of people I didn't know. I figured I'd be safe if I stayed in the middle, and when we lined up in the hallway, I tried to position myself so that I would be in the middle. Unfortunately, I ended up on the side, so there were people in front and in back of me, but not to the right. On my right was the audience. It should not have been a big deal, but performance anxiety did get in the way a bit. I didn't do anything really wrong, but I didn't get into it as much as I wanted to. I got through it. The best part of the day though was during a break when someone from the audience came up to talk to me. She thanked me for doing the demo and said how nice it was to see a queen size person up there doing it. She is not as large as I am, but she had taken a class previously where she had been made to feel like she shouldn't be there because of her size and joint problems. She was so careful as she phrased it, not wanting to offend me by saying I was fat. I wish I had gotten her full name and contact info so I could really thank her. I've loved helping Linda teach her classes, and this comment from a stranger today simply reinforced my desire to learn more and eventually teach Tai Chi. I want people to see that you can make healthy choices and do things that are good for your body even if you don't have a perfect body.

I teach voice lessons to students of a wide range of talent and skill level. Of course I love the super gifted. Who doesn't? But what I love most about teaching is seeing the students progress from wherever they are. Yes, it's great when your student wins a competition or is chosen best in site at contest, but it is also extremely rewarding, sometimes more so, when the kid that couldn't match pitch is now singing in tune 80% of the time. Some teachers would be frustrated by that other scary 20%, but I see how far the kid has come and feel great joy and satisfaction in that.

Tai Chi is "exercise", but it is primarily about promoting health by increasing the flow of Chi. Chi is energy. One of the speakers today called that energy unconditional love and said we are all born with it.

One of my voice teachers described the voice as a glowing ball of light (and I've told this and adapted it so many times, that I'm not sure where her imagery ends and mine begins. Sorry) We are all born with it. Some are big; some are small; some are brighter than others; but we all are born with a beautiful light. But life covers that light with layers of other stuff until sometimes the light is not visible at all. Voice lessons are not about "building" a voice. They are about gradually peeling away the layers to reveal the light and beauty beneath them.

Every time I think of a ball of energy when doing Tai Chi or Qigong, it looks exactly like my voice ball of light. Coincidence? I don't think so. I think they are one and the same. I have always felt called to help people find their voices. This new Tai Chi adventure is not a new path for me. It is simply more exploration with new terminology. And it is another way that I can make a difference in the world.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Will the real Jeannine please stand up

2010-11-27T06:25:00.000-06:00

I have social anxiety (and a lot of other things whose acronyms I string together and lovingly refer to as my Alphabet Soup Disorder.) I deal with it a lot better than I used to and some people that I interact with regularly are completely unaware of it. But it is still there. And that means that it is really hard for me to start up a conversation with a stranger. Even in a group of friends, I often just sit back and listen. It also means that almost every word and action is accompanied by me wondering how those around me will take what I do and say.

I'm also not super touchy-feely. I don't always jump anymore when someone touches me unexpectedly and if I'm with a touchy-feely group, I can get through the hello and goodbye hugs just fine. But I'm not the one hugging everyone in sight. Not usually anyway.

But there are times when all of that disappears and I am someone else. Catch me after I've given a great performance and I'm all about hugs. I'll hug complete strangers. I just won NaNoWriMo and then made 5 or 6 hilarious, totally unedited posts on the forum. They were what I really wanted to say, not what I revised to make pleasing to the ears of my listeners (or eyes of my readers in this case.) If you get my brain going and I am intellectually excited and challenged, the quiet girl disappears and you can't shut me up. In all of these cases, I am still in or coming off of an experience of total flow. I love flow! When I'm working in flow, I am totally focused and thoroughly enjoy whatever it is I am doing. But I don't think the benefits end there. I think it actually changes my brain chemistry for awhile afterwards. I can't remember if Csikszentmihayli (you won't believe how many times I had to check to see that I spelled that correctly, and I'm still not sure, but I'm not going to check again) says anything about that in the book. I'll have to reread it and see. But I can't help but wonder if flow makes my brain more "normal". (Yes, I know there are no truly normal brains out there.) Is this who I am supposed to be? Is this who I would be if my brain always functioned like it should?

The flow and post-flow Jeannine is kinder, more affectionate, more honest. And I'm certainly more open. That's a good thing, but it kind of scares me too. Sometimes that part of your brain that shouts "Don't say that!" is right. Some things are best left unsaid, or unwritten. I'm also a little frightened of what I might do if the wrong person took advantage of one of those moments. When I first moved to MN I dated some real losers. (If you are my FB friend, you are not one of them, which will be obvious when you read the next part.) Their number 1 goal was sex. But they didn't get very far, because all their sweet talk and/or acting macho did nothing for me. There weren't many second dates and I don't think anyone made it to 3 dates. Years later when I was telling a friend about it, I jokingly said, "Those guys would have gotten a lot farther with a good intellectually stimulating conversation." It was funny. And true. And scary.

When I'm coming off of one of those great moments, my everyday walls and barriers that I usually put up to protect myself fall away. And I am happy to let them go. I don't need them. But what about those lines that I've said I won't cross? It was easy to avoid them when a wall stood between me and the line, but I'm afraid that without the wall I may lose track of where the line is. I may cross it thinking it is a remnant of the wall I just tore down.

Maybe I just crossed it. Maybe this is TMI.

The Grammar Police strike again

2010-10-22T11:21:00.001-05:00

This morning I was listening to my John Denver station on Pandora as I worked. (And why do I hear Elton John and Jason Mraz on that station? That's another post entirely. Now back to the real topic.) I enjoy listening to music while I work. I've even learned to mostly turn off voice teacher mode so I can listen without critiquing. But I can't quiet The Grammar Police and their associates.

I actually kind of like Neil Diamond, although I'm not sure why. But "brang"?????? Really?!?!?! I know it had to rhyme with sang, rang, and sprang, but "brang" just hurts. I know I'm not the first to make this observation, but wow!!! --the pain it brang to us grammar sensitive folks. Other than that, "Play Me" is a great song.

Then there is James Taylor's "Song for You Far Away". Again, a singer I like, performing a pretty good song. The word "away" shows up at least 11 times, and every time he sang the second syllable correctly, but the vowel at the begining of the word was the same as the one in the second syllable. I'm not fond of a back and down uh-way, but ay-way is just wrong!

Finally, Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours". As I just read through the lyrics, a few other issues jumped out at me that didn't bother me as I listened to the song. My big question is, did he really mean "God-forsaken right" and there is some deep meaning there that I am missing (which I'm not so sure of since the song is kind of shallow) or did he mean "God-given"?

Enough complaining. Back to work.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Freezer meals

2010-10-21T20:23:00.001-05:00

Facebook wouldn't post this first paragraph, so I was forced to write more and make it a blog post.

Two and a half hours, 3 grocery stores, $160 and numerous trips up and down the stairs hauling in and putting away the food. Now the fun begins! By Monday morning, my freezer will be filled with individual portions of ranch bean chili, hearty macaroni casserole, chili bake, chicken pot pie, enchiladas, creamy sweet potato and butternut squash soup, and a few other things I'll throw together with the leftover ingredients.

Tonight I made enchiladas and while they were in the oven, I put together the hearty macaroni casserole. But then it was dinner time and I had two meals ready, so I had to try a little of each. The enchiladas were good. I found just the right amount of spicy this time. I was a little nervous about the casserole since I've never used this recipe before, but it turned out great. The Italian style diced tomatoes really made it tasty. I think this one will be added to the regular rotation.

Tomorrow I will start with the ranch bean chili (another new recipe) and the chili bake (a chili based casserole that I made up). Both of those can go straight to the freezer. I love having a freezer, fridge, and cupboards full of food. The only hard part is deciding what to eat. I want it all now.

By the way, I was too full after dinner to try the Boo Berry or Franken Berry cereal. It will have to wait for another day.

Does anyone have any ideas why I love most chocolate things, but was not in the least bit tempted to buy Count Chocula? I know we had that at my grandparents' house too. Oh well, saved me from the calories and wasted money.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Seeing what we want to see and hearing what we want to hear

2010-10-10T20:18:00.001-05:00

Yesterday after Tai Chi class, I went looking for some beautiful fall colors. This year I have seen more of what I would refer to as burned colors. There are yellows and reds, but they are dry and dull. I knew I had seen a few trees of the vibrant colors I love, so I went looking for more. I wanted pictures to remind me that they existed. This was the first picture I took.

I love it. It was exactly what I was looking for. I also love the reflection in the water and the blue sky and clouds above.

I took a few more pictures at this location and then went in search of more colors. I found a beautiful red bush that I wanted a picture of. I was using the camera on my phone and I haven't figured out how to zoom yet, so I got a lot more in the picture that just the bush.

I then noticed the trees on the right. Those branches were bare, but absolutely beautiful. So I took another shot to include more of those trees.

Only when I was at home deciding which photos to post on Facebook did I notice what this picture is really about. It's not a picture of the red bush, or the bare-branched trees; it's a picture of the shadows of the tree branches on the sidewalk. I didn't even see the shadows when I was there.

I learned (or relearned) two important lessons:
1. Even when the world seems dull or ugly, we can find beauty, exactly the kind of beauty we need at that moment, if we really look for it; and
2. Sometimes we get so focused on what we want to find, or expect to find, that we miss out on the beauty right in front of us.

It's been an emotional week. I have many friends that were hurt by President Packer's address and more specifically by how some of their Mormon friends decided to interpret it. But some of the people coming to their defense seemed to think that the only way to protect their friends was to demean and degrade the offenders and all of their beliefs.

I live in a difficult world. My liberal friends think I'm too conservative and my conservative friends think I'm too liberal. I work and associate with people that don't understand my beliefs. I go to church with people that don't understand what wonderful, Christ-like people my friends and co-workers are. I work in a field that for whatever reason seems to have a much higher representation of the LGBT popluation than most fields. I love these friends. They are good people working through the arts to make the world a better place. I love them and support them. I am happy that they are out and have found peace with who they are. The frustrations melted away this week when I heard the joyous news that one of these same sex couples is going to have a baby. They will be wonderful parents and the child will grow up in a home filled with love.

Yes, there is a point to my ramblings and these two seemingly unrelated topics are connected. We see or hear what we are looking for, or what we have the expectation of finding. People on both sides were expecting something from President Packer and they heard what they expected to hear. For some, disagreeing with what they thought they heard ruined any hope of finding the beauty in any part of Conference. I didn't watch conference, and the first reports I heard of it were of this controversial address. I'm moving slowly, but I am working my way through, looking for the beauty and trying to be open to the fact that beauty may exist even in the talks and concepts that I don't agree with or don't understand.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "I testify you are individually loved of God, you are central to the meaning of His work, and you are cherished and prayed for by the presiding officers of His Church. The personal value, the sacred splendor of every one of you, is the very reason there is a plan for salvation and exaltation. Contrary to the parlance of the day, this is about you."

Right at the very beginning of conference, I found what brings me peace. This is what I believe. When nothing else makes sense, I know that God loves me, and loves me as I am.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Oxygen

2010-09-27T21:18:00.001-05:00

Tonight as I walked in to the Sun style Tai Chi class that I'm helping with, I heard the familiar click of a portable oxygen tank and couldn't help but smile. You might think that a little inappropriate, but I love that sound, because it reminds me of people and places that were very special to me.

When I was in college, I was having a very difficult time for lots of reasons, but the roommate situation was particularly difficult at one point. A dear, dear family took me under their wing and opened their home to me as a place where I could feel safe and and calm. I even ended up living with them one summer. The father was on oxygen and you always knew when he was home because you could hear the hum of the oxygen machine. That sound soon came to represent the safety and peace that I felt there.

Several years later, my grandmother had to be on oxygen and although I was saddened that she needed it, the sound didn't bother me, but instead brought back wonderful memories.

When I hear the click of a portable oxygen tank, I also think of another dear friend who had to be on oxygen towards the end of her life. When we first met, she wasn't on oxygen, but still had major medical concerns. One of the first things I remember was when she took the time to take me to one of my doctor appointments across town. She was always serving others.

I hope that no one else that I love ever needs to be on oxygen, but at the same time, I love those sounds, how they make me feel, and the memories of loved ones that they bring back.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Things I need someone to explain to me

2010-08-26T12:33:00.001-05:00

Today I have too much free time, as will be obvious when you read this post. Actually, I have plenty to do, just no schedule, so I keep getting distracted by the dumbest things.

I need someone to explain these things to me, because as smart as I am, I just don't get it.

Fat free cheese--It feels and tastes like rubber. Is the idea here that you will give up cheese completely rather than eat this stuff?

Sugar free ice cream--First of all, the whole point of ice cream is the sugar. Secondly, the things they put in it to make it almost edible (taste wise, that is)are probably worse for you than just eating the sugar. Again, I ask is the idea here to get you to give it up completely?

If you have brands of no fat, no sugar foods (and I mean for things that usually contain fat and sugar) that actually taste good, please let me know.

Enough about food. Now we move to fashion.

Hoodies--Why do some people wear hoodies with the hood up even when it's not cold? Bad hair day?

Knee highs with a skirt with a slit up the back or side--I'm getting used to bra straps showing, but seeing the tops of your knee highs is weird. Am I wrong here?Pantyhose or tights-OK; bare legs-OK; knee highs where the tops are covered by your skirt or pants-OK; but unless they are socks and you're going for the school girl look, I just don't get knee highs that show.

And on to deeper things,

Trying to get the parking spot closest to the door when you are going to the gym. Huh?

Kids that have $3,000 worth of new school clothes, but can't afford a $20 book for voice lessons. I know, we have to
have priorities.

Back to food --
How do you buy chocolate chips to use to make cookies 5 days after the shopping trip? Can people really keep them hidden (from family members and themselves) for that long?

I really have to go do something productive now.

-- Posted from my iPhone

"To do what He is"

2010-08-22T18:37:00.001-05:00

I've been reading a lot lately and the thing I love about reading several books at once is that little similarities pop up where you would least expect them. Last week I finished reading Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God: Book 1. I still have about 135 pages left to finish Abraham Joshua Heschels's God in Search of Man: A Philosophy of Judaism. While they both deal with man's relationship with God, they come at it from very different perspectives.

Heschel was a rabbi and one of the leading Jewish theologians and Jewish philosophers of his time. (On a side note, he also marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. in Selma.) His work is beautifully written and quite profound and enlightening. This is not, however, a quick read. This is a book where you read a few paragraphs or at most a chapter and then you have to stop and give yourself time to fully process everything he said. It's deep.

Walsch believes that he did not write his book, but merely took dicatation from God in answer to his own questions. He says, "...God was responding to my questions in direct proportion to my ability to comprehend. That is, I was being answered in ways, and with language, that God knew I would understand." This statement is actually what I also believe regarding personal revelation. It also accounts for the fact that Walsch's God has a sense of humor and occassionally makes slightly sarcastic comments. (I like this God!)

Sometimes these 2 books are almost completely opposite with regards to issues and doctrines. And sometimes, they are saying exactly the same thing, like in the passages I found in Heschel today. He says, "The Torah is primarily divine ways rather than divine laws" and "The plea is not to obey what He wills but to do what He is." We tend to think of the Torah as The Law of Moses, a complicated system of Thou shalts and Thou Shalt Nots. We teach that the law was given to prepare Israel for the higher law that Christ revealed. But it is not just about what we (or they) should and shouldn't do. It is about doing things the way God does and becoming as he is.

I love how Walsch (or God in Walsch's book) talks about this. In reference to the Ten Commandments, he says, "You shall know that you have taken the path to God, and you shall know that you have found God, for there will be these signs, these indications, these changes in you". He then explains each of what we refer to as commandments and how it would be impossible to do anything else if we are truly seeking God.

I really have trouble with the concept of obedience. Maybe it is because regardless of how I reframe it intellectually, my gut still hears, "Do what I said because I said so. End of discussion." Even though it may be the right thing to do, obeying because I should just doesn't work for me. I love the idea of learning about who God is, what he does, and how he does it and using that as the map for my journey--no commandments, just sign posts and commitments. You may argue that I'm saying the same thing, but it feels different to me. I am making a personal choice to do something that I want to do, rather than just doing what I'm told by someone who may or may not understand me and what us happening in my life.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Accompanists

2010-08-19T21:28:00.000-05:00

I've been asked to speak to a group of music teachers in a couple of months about accompanying. I can go any direction I want, but it was suggested that I might want to include training young accompanists. As I considered what I want to talk about, I decided that it might be best to structure my comments using my own musical history.

As I started making a list of people, events, and experiences that helped me to learn to accompany, I made a somewhat unsettling discovery: I received the training and nurturing that I needed as a young accompanist because I went to schools that couldn't afford to hire professional accompanists and coaches, and the church I attended does not hire professional musicians. I was given opportunities as an accompanist because there was no one else to do it.

I now live in an area where schools and churches hire professional musicians. In many ways, this is a good thing. The quality of the performances is better, and musicians are able to make money doing what we have invested a great deal of time and money in learning to do. I believe musicians should be paid, but what opportunities for training the next generation are missed when we hire professionals? Is there a way to hire professionals, maintain a high level of artistry, AND give young people the opportunities they need to learn?

Then the question becomes why should we teach young people to be accompanists? If that is truly the profession they want, there are many wonderful collaborative piano programs at the University level. Do students need collaborative experience prior to college? What about those that won't be pursuing this as a career, those students whose adult musical experiences will be avocational at best? Should we teach them to accompany and if so, why? What purpose will it serve?

Although I do occassionally take an accompanying gig, this is not my main source of income. However, the experiences I have had as an accompanist have shaped who I am as a musician, teacher, and human being.

Here is one small example from my accompanying "career" that changed me in more ways than just making me a better accompanist. Weston Noble is a big name in the choral world, especially here in the Midwest. When I was a student, and the choir accompanist, at Idaho State University, he came for a festival or clinic, or some similar event. I don't really remember the details, but I remember how he changed my life. I've always been really good at "following", but he encouraged me to do more. He taught me to be open to the music and how to work with him collaboratively, not merely follow his beat pattern. I don't really even remember what he said, but it changed the way I viewed the music, the way I viewed the performance experience, and the way I viewed myself. For a big event like that, perhaps they should have brought in someone with better technique and more experience, but I am very glad they didn't. And because they didn't I learned about trust.

I will never play as well as my accompanist/coach. She is amazing. But does that mean that I shouldn't call myself an accompanist or that I shouldn't play for groups or soloist when I am needed? Absolutely not! Yes, we need amazing accompanists and coaches, but there are places in the world where those of us that are just pretty good can do just fine. There are even times when those who doubt their skills can be great.

Watch for future posts as I explore who we should teach to accompany and why.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Surrender

2010-08-14T04:42:00.001-05:00

I have to tell you about an amazing woman I talked to today. She has lost over 130 pounds in the last 10 months. That's not the amazing part though. The amazing part is how. Yes, she had bariatric surgery, but that was the last thing she told me about. The focus of our chat was where she thinks the true success came from--total surrender and total obedience. She asked God to take away her desire for food and give her a desire for exercise. And because of her commitment and faith, that has happened.

Surrender was a choice that made sense. She had already chosen it in other areas of her life, and asked herself "why not this too?".

I love the idea of surrender, and I believe it works and can change lives. But, I'm not very good at it. Because I've had to take care of myself for so much of my life,it is really hard to rely on someone else, even God, to take care of me. To trust and let it go is hard. My friend's amazing weight loss is quite an achievement, but I'm more impressed with her surrender, her giving this problem to God and trusting that he will bring about what is best for her. Her faith is amazing and it is motivating, both for her and the people around her. What a great example!

-- Posted from my iPhone

Making a Difference

2010-08-12T08:39:00.001-05:00

The August 2010 issue of Minnesota Women's Press (see www.womenspress.com) celebrates the 90th anniversary of women's right to vote. When I learned that it took over 70 years to get the 19th Amendment passed and the work that generations of women did to bring this about, it made me think once again about what I am doing to make a difference in the world. Is it enough? How much longer might it have taken if fewer women had spoken up? How much sooner might we have been given this right if more women had taken a stand?

With a few minor exceptions, I am healthier than I have been in over 20 years. The last several years have been about me focusing on the things that will bring peace and health to my life. I know I can't return to the overcommitted and stressful life I used to live, but is there room in my life to do something more to make a difference?

I love my current job, and don't see myself leaving it in the near future, but it was never my intent to spend my life here. This was a temporary job to pay the bills and help me gain valuable experience. The real dream, and the one that I still see at some point in my future is running my own non-profit arts school where all students, regardless of ability or financial situation, can have a life changing experience with the arts. I've seen a lot of kids miss out on these opportunities simply because there was no money to pay for them. I know teachers that only want to teach the best and the brightest because the are the most fun to teach and they make the teacher look good.

Yes, I do love it when one of my "stars" succeeds, but I know that some of my most rewarding moments as a teacher have been in seeing the growth in those students that some other teachers might label hopeless. And the growth I'm talking about is not just vocal. In my early years as a voice teacher, I had an adult student that was going through some major struggles and life changes. As we worked on a hymn we talked about what those words meant to her, especially with the situations she was dealing with. She chose to sing this song at the recital. Afterwards, an audience member (who is also a voice teacher) told me how touched she had been by this student's performance. Technically, it wasn't the best performance on the program, but because this woman sang from her heart and let us know what she knew, it was the most beautiful performance on the program. That is why I teach--to help students find the beauty and to help them know how to share it.

Last month I had a great talk with a friend, fellow voice teacher, and one of my teachers and mentors about my dream. At that point, I was really in the "I need to do more" mode. She reminded me of how important what I'm doing right now is. The students that I'm teaching now will take the things they learn (whether it is technique, discipline, music appreciation, or any number of things) and use them and share them throughout their lives. She made a difference in my life, and because she did, I am now making a difference in the lives of my students. OK, I will admit that some will leave my studio having changed very little if at all, but whatever influence I do have will continue to echo through generations.

In the past two weeks, I've heard from two different people (that didn't really stand out in my memory) that I had made a difference. They were still using tools that I taught them. Even more than the talk with my friend, these incidents reminded me of the difference I can make, that I do make, every single day.

But the question still remains--Is there more that I can do? Are there bigger issues that I can and should be taking a stand on? When is the right time, both in my life and in the history of the cause for me to become actively involved? Can I simply share what I feel and believe, or do my actions and how I choose to spend my time need to say something about what is important to me? Are rallies, marches, and hunger strikes in my future? How far am I willing to go, what am I willing to risk to make a difference?

-- Posted from my iPhone

To borrow or to buy

2010-08-09T12:25:00.001-05:00

Anyone that knows me well knows that I love to read.

Anyone that has ever helped me move knows that I love books. (Strangely, after hauling boxes and boxes of books up and down stairs, these friends find ways to be too busy to help with the next move.)

Anyone that has seen the balance of my bank account knows that I need to limit the number of books I buy. There is no way I could afford to purchase everything I read. But I want to.

The good news is that the universe, my friends, and my family find ways to help me get my hands on those books.

First of all, I am blessed to live in an area with a fabulous library system. Libraries are amazing!
You can spend an afternoon wandering and browsing, or with current technology, you can reserve a book online and they will have it ready for you. You can be in and out in just minutes!

I now use the library for most of my fiction reading. I will occassionally reread a novel, but for most things, once is enough and getting the book from the library saves me a lot of money.

Non-fiction is trickier though, especially if it is something that is related to my work. When I read non-fiction, I like to read with my highlighter ready to mark up anything that is particularly interesting. Librarians don't like that very much! Book collectors and librarians think that books should have pages that are free from markings, food smudges, etc. Being the child of a book collector, I know how to read a book and have it still look brand new when I am done. I also understand the value of a signed or rare edition. As a teacher and learner, I know that the books that have really been understood and enjoyed are the ones that are written all over and are a little more beaten up from traveling everywhere with the reader while he or she was reading it. (Side note to music teachers--If your students' lesson books are pristine, you can pretty much bet on the fact that they are not getting enough use at home.)

So basically it comes down to this for me: If I want entertainment and/or escape, I can borrow the book. If I want to really get something out of it, I need to buy it.
Here's an example: One of the 3 books I am currently reading is Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God Book One. I had 2 reasons for getting this one from the library. First, I had no money, and second, because I'm a bit of a skeptic. I have no problem with the idea of personal revelation, but I am a little cautious when someone says, "God told me to tell you..." You'll have to wait until I've finished for my full review, but what is important in the context of this blog is that even though I don't buy into everything he writes in the book, there are several places that I loved and that gave me new insights into what I believe. If I'd been able to use a highlighter and a pen while reading, I might have received even more inspiration of my own. This might just be a book that I have to buy after I read it.

So, when I have to buy a book, where do I go? Usually the only time I buy new books is if I have a gift card from Barnes and Noble or Borders. Yeah for gift cards! I love used book stores. Here in the suburbs, Half Price Books (they have gift cards too!) is the only place I've found. Like the name implies, their books are generally half off the cover price. That's a good deal, especially when you find older editions and the cover price was $1.65. I also love their clearance shelves with books for $1 or $2.

There are a few other used bookstores in Minneapolis that I love but don't get to very often anymore. The thing I love about used book stores is that you have to browse and in doing so you often find gems that you weren't even searching for. The drawback is that their stock is limited. They might not have a copy of what I really want.

That is where online shopping comes in. I've used amazon.com for both new and used purachases, but my new favorite is half.com. I've found some great deals there.

It is possible to build a great personal library on a budget. Most of the books I own were purchased used.

Now is your turn to share. Do you buy or borrow or do a little of both? If both, how do you decide which thing to buy and which to borrow?

-- Posted from my iPhone

It's August! Yeah! (I think.)

2010-08-05T20:13:00.001-05:00

It's August, and August means that there are a zillion things I wanted to get done this summer that I haven't done yet. There are still items on my "To Do" list from August 2009 that aren't done yet. But, overall it's been a great summer and I've had some awesome experiences.
I kicked off my summer with a presentation on memorization at the MMTA Conference in June. I had a great time preparing and giving it, and except for having more material than time (even though I timed it a couple of times the week before) it went very well. My nerves showed up in the form of dry mouth, so I took a lot of drinks, but other than that, I felt good about it and got some positive feedback.

Summer lessons started the next week. I have over 40 students registered for summer lessons, but because of camps, vacations, etc., I'm lucky to give 20-30 lessons each week. I love my summer schedule. Monday is my day. Sometimes I use it for doctor's appointments or other errands, sometimes I clean (I've been doing a much better job of keeping up with the cleaning), and sometimes I just read and/or waste time. I've had Tai Chi classes on Monday nights, so I never waste the WHOLE day. I have pretty full teaching days on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then do half days on Thursday and Friday, leaving some time for the business side of teaching. Like I said, I love my summer schedule. I just wish I could afford to have this schedule year round.

In early July I went to SLC for the NATS Conference. Here's a cut and paste from the blog I started about that, but never finished and posted:
I'm back from my trip and trying to get caught up on everything and get ready to teach lessons again starting tomorrow. Overall, I had a good trip. I didn't plan as well as I should have, so I ended up spending more money than I should have and I missed seeing some friends. But, the lack of planning also gave me some flexibility that was really nice.

I spent much of my time at the convention with my friend Elizabeth.

On Sunday, July 4, my parents picked me up and we went to a family picnic where I got to see relatives on my mom's side that I haven't seen in years. I really need to to a better job of keeping in touch. I just get so caught up in trying to survive my own life that I don't take the time to keep up with others.
After the convention I rented a car and drove to Soda Springs, ID to see my parents, niece, and other relatives.
End cut and paste.

I also made a quick run up to Rexburg to spend more time with Elizabeth.

While I was with my family, I helped with some of the cleaning of their house. The previous renters left the kitchen in a pretty scary state, so that's where I spent my hours. You would not believe the scary stuff I cleaned off of that stove. The kitchen cupboards were not much better. It made me want to come home and really clean my house because if for any reason someone had to come clean it for me, I didn't want them thinking thoughts about me like those I was thinking of the previous occupants. How can people live with that filth?

I had jet lag (or extreme lack of energy and motivation) for the first couple of weeks after the trip, but then I finally kicked it in gear and have really accomplished a lot the last few weeks. Which is good since there is so much I haven't done yet.

I was really going to get back to eating healthily this summer, but that kind of went out the window while I was on my trip. Sunday I'm going sugar free and low carb again. It's not about the weight (although I really need to lose some). I just feel a lot better when I'm filling my body with good things. I had an amazing salad for dinner tonight from the co-op salad bar. I love salad anyway, but all organic just tastes great.

Another thing I was going to do this summer is get back to going to the gym regularly. It hasn't happened yet, but on the positive side, I have been taking the Tai Chi class once a week and getting in 1-3 other sessions on my own at home.

There are always ay least a million things I want to do over the summer to improve my teaching and my business. I have lots of things I picked up at NATS that I want to work into lessons. I've already started with a few things and I'm getting very positive responses from the kids.

Another goal has been to find more ways to make use of Music Teacher's Helper. I used it last year to set up my studio website and started using it for calendaring and billing, but entering all the data was taking too much time. I'm starting to experiment with ways to enter things during the student's lesson, thus saving me some time. This week I've been typing up lesson notes during the lesson and then emailing them immediately when I reconcile the lesson. The only drawback is that I have to take my laptop to and from school all the time, or leave it there and be computerless at home.

School starts in a little over a month. I've set a goal to enjoy August and not get stressed out. At the same time, I want to see if I can maintain this level if high productivity so that I start the school year strong.

-- Posted from my iPhone

-- Posted from my iPhone

Goals

2010-06-06T06:30:00.001-05:00

Yesterday while searching for some notes I need for a presentation on Monday, I came across some goals I set sometime between December 1997 and December 1999. They included a 5 year plan and a 10 year plan. Since both dates have passed, I thought it might be interesting to evaluate how I did and see how different my life is from what I expected then.

5 year goals
1. Begin concert career. Health problems and financial issues derailed this plan. However, even though I'm not performing regularly right now, I am practing regularly, singing better than I ever have, and enjoying the whole process a lot more.

2. Full-time job with benefits OR enough income from teaching and gigs to pay my bills and create my own benefits package. I'm trying hard not to laugh here. I currently am self-employed. I do make enough to pay my bills and buy basic health insurance. Retirement savings, sick days, and paid vacation, however, are things I can only dream of.

3. Washer and dryer. This might seem like a silly goal, but it became a very important one to me. The money and time saved by having access to free laundry in my own home has greatly reduced my stress level. Yes, I was able to make my hours sitting in the laundry room productive, but I can do so much more when I am free to do anything I need to while my clothes are in the washer. Since 1999, I have been lucky enough to live in rentals with a washer and dryer in my home.

4. If married, consider children. When I wrote these goals, I really thought that both marriage and children were somewhere in my future. I love though that I said, "consider" children. Even then, I understood the dangers and difficulties of bearing and rearing children while dealing with my health issues. By using the word "consider", I left open the possibility that children might not be a realistic plan for my life. Also, although a friend had encouraged me to consider being a single parent if I hadn't met Mr. Right by the time I was 35, the wording of this goal clearly indicates that I did not want to choose to be a single parent. I know many wonderful single parents, and I'm confident that if forced into single parenting through death, divorce, etc., that I could make it work. However, I have no desire to start the journey knowing that I would do it all alone.
At this point in my life, the reality is that neither marriage or becoming a parent is likely to occur. I did struggle with that for awhile, but I'm OK with it now.

5. Car payed off. Accomplished!!!!

6. All belongings in the same state. This is another goal that might need a little explaining. When I moved to Minnesota in 1996, it was with the plan that I would be here for 2 years and then leave. Consequently, everything that was not essential to success in grad school was boxed up and stored at my parents' house in Idaho. I found myself having to buy things I already owned, but didn't have access to. Or I purchased cheap replacements thinking I would only use them for a short time and then I could get back to my good stuff. My kitchen was stocked with pans, dishes, etc. from the dollar store when I had high quality stuff in boxes in another state.
In 2003, my parents moved, so I took that opportunity to go home and get my stuff. However, after their move, they found a few more things of mine that somehow we had missed before. Consequently, most of my belongings are with me in MN, but some of my life is now in storage in WA.

10 year goals
1. Established performing career. (Much laughter here). I wouldn't mind performing more, but a career as a performer doesn't really even appeal to me anymore. See #1 under 5 year goals.

2. Good job, or private studio. See #2 above. Although I don't have benefits, and my income fluctuates depending on many factors out of my control, I really do have a good job. The situation is perfect for me since I have the recruiting power and collegial support that comes with being connected to an educational institution, but I have the autonomy of a private contactor. This year, the poor economy hit my studio pretty hard, so finacially this year has been a struggle, but I feel like I did really good work and improved my teaching and my studio in many ways.

3. Children??? See #4 above.

4. Credit card debt paid off. While in grad school, I used my credit card way too much to fill in the gaps between what school and life cost and the income I had from financial aid and part-time jobs. I accumulated an obscene amount of debt. I am happy to report that through working multiple jobs and lots of 12 hour days, I was able to pay off the credit cards and my car in about 5 years. For several years, I didn't even use a credit card. Unfortunately, with the extreme reduction in my income this year, I used my credit card to fill in some of the gaps. Though I'm not paying off the full balance every month like I would prefer to, I am paying much more than the minimum. I hope that by cutting out a few things this summer and taking more students in the fall that I will be able to get out of this mess before it becomes too big to handle. Going back to the insane schedule I had while paying off the huge debt is not currently an option. Yes, I was making good money, but at a major sacrifice to my physical, mental, and spiritual health. One of my new goals is to try to find some kind of balance where I'm healthy and happy and free from debt.

5. Buy a house. This is still something that I would like to do, but the realities of my money situation have made this more of a dream than an actual goal. I simply don't have the funds for a down payment or to take care of all the home maintenance issues that are currently covered by my rent.

6. New piano--baby grand. (More laughter). I don't have the space or money for a spinet, much less a baby grand. Yes, it would be nice, but I spend so much time at school now that it is easy to just do my practicing there. I really don't need a piano of my own.

7. Begin retirement savings. See all the other statements about my lack of funds. I keep trying, but everytime I get a little money put away, an emergency arises and it just makes more sense to pay that off now and worry about retirement later. My current retirement plan is to teach until I am in my mid 90's and then drop dead during a lesson. (Or maybe right after a lesson so I don't permanently traumatize a student.)

8. New car. This plan has been revised. My 98 Saturn has over 120,000 miles on it and is still doing great. I plan to keep driving it until it completely dies, or the cost of repairing it exceeds the cost of a new car. The gas mileage is good, and why should I replace something that works just fine. Sure, it's not luxury, but it serves its function quite well.

I'm considering drawing up new 5 and 10 year plans for my life, and I may actually do it. But, there is another part of me that really wants to just relax and see what life brings.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Waiting

2010-05-11T05:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I start to think that if I am not busy doing something that I'm wasting time. Using that logic, I've wasted a lot of time over the last month. Since I fell a month ago, I haven't really "accomplished" much. I do think that the accident triggered a fibromyalgia flare up. I've definitely experienced more pain and tension, even in parts of my body that were "unaffected" by the fall.

I've also been rating high on some of the warning signs of depression, which is also linked to fibromyalgia. It's not the "woe is me. My life is so miserable" kind of depression. It's the kind where all you want to do is sleep, but you don't sleep well; the kind where nothing can hold your attention; the kind where nothing motivates you. I've always been lucky that even in my worst times dealing with depression I have been able to make myself go to work and do my job, and I have been able to do that this time around too. But beyond that, all I've really done is read a couple of books (and I can't even focus enough to do that now) and watch Star Trek videos.

So what do a fibromyalgia flare up and depression have to do with waiting, you ask. Here's the thing: I often think of them as something to get through, to get out of, but I'm starting to realize all that they can teach me. And it's not just about how I need to take better care of myself, which I know already.

Sometimes these quiet times of accomplishing nothing are really times of openness--times to observe and collect information without needing to process it or use it immediately. And then when sufficient data has been stored, the connections begin to fall into place and the deeper meaning of it all becomes clear, without any real work on my part.

I believe in the power of fasting and prayer. I believe that they work because they alter our consciousness in a way that allows us to be open, to see things in a new way, to be guided by powers greater than our own. I think that in some ways, these mild episodes of depression work in a similar way, allowing me to process things differently, to quiet all the noise of the world and listen to what I need to do and be.

I've always had very vivid dreams, and last night I had one that brought everything that has happened these last few weeks into focus. I'm not one of those people that thinks that every dream has deep meaning, but this one did. It really helped me to see who I need to become and what I need to be doing with me life. And I know the dream wouldn't have occurred without the experiences of the last few weeks.

So yes, I do need to get up off my couch and clean my house, but I also need to know when not to fight this, when to just wait it out and be open to the revelation.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Broken bones and life lessons

2010-04-14T21:21:00.001-05:00

I fell on Monday, caught myself with my left arm, and broke it. The good news is that the break is right at the elbow and it's a type of break that heals very quickly. I just have to wear a sling for 2-3 weeks.

Everything is complicated when you only have 1 good arm. So far I'm doing pretty well. I can still do most things. They just take a lot more time, patience and focus. In a way, that is good because it reminds me to be present and focus on what I am doing right at that moment. I'm also becoming much more aware of how certain movements and postures affect the bad arm.

Here are some of my major accomplishments in this one- handed adventure:

Chopped vegetables

Shampooed my hair-- but I did waste some shampoo figuring out how to make it work.

Flossed my teeth--OK, I did cheat a little. I'm not using regular floss. I bought those floss picks. I hate them, but it's better than not flossing.

Cut up meat.

Typed up this blog (and several emails) holding the phone in my right hand and typing with the thumb of that hand. That may not be impressive to those of a younger generation, but I've never been able to do it, and now I can because I must.

Isn't is funny how life works that way. We learn by doing what needs to be done.

Here are a few things that I need to figure out still:

How to put my hair up or in a pony tail. I wear it down most of the time at work, but I like to get it out of the way at home.

How to use a pepper mill. This has been tricky. I have been able to get some pepper out, but it has been really hard.

How to shave under my right arm pit with my right hand.

And here are the things that I just plain can't do and need to learn to live without for awhile:

Tai Chi

Playing the piano with both hands. For now, it's right hand alone.

Really, there isn't much I can't do if I'm patient, creative, and have enough time. And that's another life lesson.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Learner vs. learned

2010-04-03T12:24:00.000-05:00

"In times of change, learners inherit the world - while the learned remain beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." --Eric Hoffer

I just found this quote and I love it. To me, this quote means that to know a lot is great and wonderful, but in order to really grow and thrive, we need to keep learning. Learning must be an ongoing process. We can't depend on the knowledge we gained last week, or last year. We have to keep learning the things that will help us right now.

To be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God. 2 Nephi 9:26
All the knowledge of the world is useless unless we can be open to new knowledge (from God or any other source) that enables us accomplish the things that are most important at that time. But, no knowledge is ever wasted. Everything we know provides a foundation for what we will learn in the future. Everything we encounter is colored by what we know.

One of the things I love about being a singer is that every time I sing a song it is different from any other time I have sung it. Each performance is colored by the new things I have learned about my voice and my life experiences. To expect or even desire to give a performance that is just like another is not only not realistic, it also will lead to stagnant, boring performances. Performances are fresh and engaging when we've practiced and learned all the details, but then allow ourselves to be open to the needs, emotions, and energy of the moment--to learn and experience as we go.

I am learned. I hope to always remain a learner.

I learned something new

2010-03-30T20:21:00.001-05:00

Today, I learned that one possible cause of nasality is huge tonsils. A student was really struggling today and no matter what I asked her to do, we could not get rid of the nasality. Finally I sent her to the mirror to see what her tongue looks like in the ng position and what it looks like down. I looked too and realized that even with her tongue down, it is touching her huge tonsils and there is hardly any space back there.

Anyway, now I know to check tonsils when nasality is a major problem.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Meaningless Words

2010-03-28T21:25:00.000-05:00

My 9th grade English teacher hated the word "nice". She said it was a meaningless word and there were far better words to use.

There are a lot of meaningless words in my life. But, it's not that these words have no meaning as much as the fact that I just can't connect with them. I can give you a definition, but it doesn't mean any thing to me. Unfortunately, several of those words are pretty big and important concepts at church. I could give a rather impressive lesson, quoting all the right definitions, reading the right scriptures, and helping others relate to the concept, and still feel no real connection to it.

This is the first in a series of posts about my search for personal meaning in these words.

This week's topic is grace. The part of the definition that I can connect with and understand is divine help or strength. I also love the fact that grace can also mean beauty and charm, as well as thanks. I found an article on grace that explained how all of those definitions are part of a larger whole. It also dealt with grace as related to salvation and whether or not we earn grace. My brain was about to explode, so I decided to come back to that later. (Funny thing-I've been reading 2 books on neuroscience this week and did just fine, but the Bible Dictionary and this other article on grace was more than my brain could handle.)

What I can appreciate and handle and understand today is this: Grace is divine help or strength. I've seen it, and I've felt it. I need it. Grace is beauty. There is so much of it in the world if we can look past the ugliness of bigotry and hate. Grace is thanks. I feel thankful.

My goal for this week is not to totally get it, but to see the kind of grace that I do understand in the things around me.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Filling Our Spiritual Lamps Through Scripture Study

2010-03-21T08:45:00.000-05:00

A couple of months ago, I was asked to give a 5 minute talk on scripture study at an event in early March. I thought it wouldn't be too hard and immediately started brainstorming and writing my ideas on a list on the fridge. Then, about a week before the event, the person sent me an email saying, "Are you still able to talk about filling our spiritual lamps through scripture study?" My first thought was Yuck! Matthew 25.

I hate the story of the virgins and the lamps. Intellectually, I understand the principle that Jesus was trying to teach, but so many other things bug me about the story that sometimes it is hard to focus on that main idea. Even the idea of preparation for meeting the Savior at some point in the future bugs me a little.

Let me explain. For most of the first 35 years of my life, I endured and suffered through a lot, knowing that it was only temporary and that it would end. And of course, the difficult thing always did end, AND was followed by something else that I just had to get through. Finally I was tired of suffering through life in hopes of not suffering in the future and I decided that I needed things that helped me to be happy, healthy, and spiritually connected today, right now. So back to Matthew 25--At this point in my life, I cannot prepare for the Second Coming as some future event. I need to find ways to know Jesus Christ today.

So, I set out to try to find a way to tie in the topic of the meeting--Filling Our Spiritual Lamps--with something that makes sense to me. I thought about the lamp--What is its function? Why do I need it? Lamps give light. Light is something I need every single day. I could talk about filling our lamps in terms of daily inspiration and guidance. Instead of Matthew 25, my scripture focus became Psalms 119:105:

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

By the way, I really liked the way they chose to frame this topic for the meeting. The Relief Society president read from this talk.

Steadfast and Immovable, Always Abounding in Good Works

I really liked Elder Bednar's comments, especially since they fit so well with my idea of needing to fill my lamp daily for use now.

Here is the basic text of my talk, plus a really long list of possible ways to study the scriptures.

Being a Scripture Chase champion or clocking 12,775 hours of scripture study will not make you Christlike or guarantee your place in the Celestial Kingdom. Scripture study is not something we can check off on our "Checklist for Perfection". And if it is only another "should", it will be a source of guilt and frustration.

For me, filling our lamps isn't just about preparing for an event that will happen at some point in the future, or even about checking off an item on our "should" list. Filling my lamp is about finding the light and strength that I need to get through each day. Reading, studying and pondering my scriptures is a way of refocusing on who I am, what I believe, and what I want to do and be.

The motivation and desire to study the scriptures must come from within you. Others may encourage you or challenge you, but ultimately, what you receive from your scripture study depends on what you personally are seeking.

The worst thing that ever happened to my scripture study was when my stake president challenged us to read for 30 minutes every day. I became overwhelmed and discouraged. My regular scripture study fell apart because I couldn't find the time for a 30 minute session, so I just didn't do it. What made it even harder for me was that I really liked my stake president and knew that he was inspired to give us this challenge, which made me feel even more guilty about not being able to make it work in my life.

I recently added up all the little things that my doctors, therapists, and church leaders say are everyday essentials. It came to 26 hours. I can't do it all, and I'm starting to be OK with not doing it all, as long as I'm doing something and moving in the right direction.

Recently, my scripture study has improved as I've started to apply a concept that had worked very well in other parts of my life: I need to explore many different methods and approaches and then find the one that works for me. The tricky part is that the one that works varies depending on my current life situation. It is also essential that I remember that a little is better than nothing.

What follows is a list of scripture study possibilities. There is not one "right" way. Your right way is the one that helps you to find the light, peace, and understanding that you need at that moment.

Memorize a scripture.
o A person I know prints off a verse of scripture that speaks to him and takes it with him when he runs. He then spends his entire run memorizing and pondering that verse.
o Write a favorite scripture on a Post-it, place it somewhere that you will read it often, and leave it there until you have that scripture memorized.
Pair reading/studying with a task you do daily.
o A woman I know brushes her teeth while she reads and says that her dental health and spirituality have increased.
o I also know of people who read while they eat their lunch or during the bus ride to work.
Journal or blog about your scriptural insights. Writing it down preserves those ideas and inspirations for times when you're not feeling inspired. (I had not intended to make this blog about spiritual topics, but I've been surprised at how often I want to write about something I am studying.)
Read straight though one of the standard works to help you see the big picture and understand the context in which the concepts were taught.
Study by topic.
o Use the dictionary to better understand the meaning of the word.
o Look up all the cross references.
o Use the Bible Dictionary and Topical Guide.
o See if the topic is covered in Preach My Gospel, Gospel Principles, Institute manuals and other church books.
o Look for hymns that address the topic and study those as well.
o For topic ideas, you can use articles from the church magazines, the Church News, and Mormon Times. You can respond to something that resonates with you, or something that you don't understand or don't agree with.
o Search for related church materials at lds.org.
o Google it. You can gain profound insights from people of other faiths. Even if what you find is not doctrinally correct, seeing another perspective can help clarify what you believe.
While studying Preach My Gospel, Relief Society lessons, or Sunday School lessons, stop to look up the references and maybe even check the cross references on those.
When pondering/studying a scripture, ask yourself 3 things: 1. What is the context in which this was revealed? What did it mean to the people at that time and place? 2. What does this mean to church members in general? What have the prophets and general authorities said about it? 3. What does this mean to me right now, in my current situation?
Use the hymns as part of your study.
o Hymns can provide insights.
o Singing can help bring the Spirit.
o Music can express what words alone cannot.
o At the bottom of each hymn, you will find 2 scripture that tie in with the message of the hymn. You can also search for hymns by topic, or look for hymns related to certain scriptures.
Make a list of "Feel Good Favorites" for days when your regular plan just isn't inspiring you. Keep that list in your scriptures.
Mark up your scriptures.
o If you've already underlined something you like, then highlight it or box it in a different color to indicate that it touched you more than once.
o Write insights and related quotes in the margins.
o Your scriptures are not a collector's item. These pages should show wear and have writing all over them and maybe even a little food that you spilled when you were eating and reading at the same time.
Try reading the scriptures in a foreign language. This not only helps me stay focused, but I gain new understanding of both the language and the scripture as I ponder the words chosen for the translation.
Some topics, parables, or verses may bother you. Don't let yourself get sucked into the frustration. You don't have to understand it all and love it all right now. Find one good thing you can take from it and move on, trusting that at another point in time you may find a way to make sense of it.
Listen to the scriptures while you are in your car running errands, commuting, etc.
Read online.
Get a scriptures app for your phone.

For further reading:
Yoshihiko Kikuchi, “Opening the Heavens,” Ensign, Aug 2009, 34–38
Russell M. Nelson, “Living by Scriptural Guidance,” Ensign, Nov 2000, 16–18
L. Lionel Kendrick, “Search the Scriptures,” Ensign, May 1993, 13
David A. Bednar, “Because We Have Them before Our Eyes,” New Era, Apr 2006, 2–7
Julie B. Beck, “My Soul Delighteth in the Scriptures,” Ensign, May 2004, 107
2 Nephi 31:20
2 Nephi 4:15

ACDA Conference

2010-03-07T19:40:00.000-06:00

Someday, I would like to have amazing professional enrichment events that don't cost more than I can afford and don't leave me exhausted and feeling unprepared for returning to work. But I know that that will never happen in my life time, so I just have to make the best of it.

Wednesday through Saturday of last week, I attended an amazing conference in Minneapolis. At this point, I think it was totally worth all the money I spent, but we'll see how I feel when I see the total amount I put on my credit card. In addition to hearing amazing music, I was able to attend sessions by Alice Parker (major choral arranger), Eric Whitacre (amazing composer), and The Real Group. If you don't know The Real Group, check them out on YouTube. They gave a fabulous concert on Thursday night, and also did a couple of sessions on Wednesday during Immersion Day. I really enjoyed their performing, but was also really impressed with them as people and as educators. The worst thing about the conference was that I couldn't attend everything. I know I missed several wonderful sessions either because I was in another session at that time or I was just too tired to go.

I'm also really worn out and my house is a disaster. I've been home only long enough to add to the mess, not clean it up. I could be cleaning right now, but I just don't have the energy. I did manage to wash the sheets and make sure I have clean clothes for tomorrow. That will have to be good enough.

The next week is a busy one as we prepare for All-State auditions on Friday. Sometime soon I've also got to do my taxes and get my info in for the presentation I'm doing at the MMTA Convention in June. At least I never have time to be bored.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2010-02-23T19:48:00.000-06:00

No, this is not a movie review. But the title was one of the things I thought about when reviewing my current situation.

The Good--I will not be wearing make-up for a few days. Those of you that only see me at church probably thought that I never wear make-up, but I really do on most days, just not on my days off work.

I hate almost everything about make-up. I don't like the extra time it takes when I'm getting ready. I don't like taking it off. It seems like an awful waste of money. I resent the fact that people judge you on your outward beauty, therefore forcing us to at least make an attempt at the world's idea of beauty. So you see, I find not wearing make-up quite freeing and empowering. Plus I feel a little rebellious since two of my voice teachers that I really respect made a point of telling me how important it is to wear make-up every day.

The Bad-- The reason I cannot wear make-up right now is because of an ugly patch of dry skin/rash stuff that reacts horribly to anything I put on it. 4 days without makeup cleared it up, and then wearing make-up on Monday made it worse again. Besides looking awful, it itches so bad that I'm about to go insane. The insanity and the fact that I look like death is starting to affect my teaching (although I'm not sure if it is in good or bad ways.) Kids are asking what's wrong, which is OK. They are also really trying hard to do what I ask this week. Maybe having them feel sorry for me is not a bad thing.

The Ugly--The red, scaly, swollen patches of skin, plus the lack of make-up really does make me look like death. This wonderful self-portrait, caught mid-blink, gives you an idea of what my colleagues and students had to look at all day.

Does everyone feel bad for me now? Here's a slightly more attractive shot. Don't you wish you were me?

Hard Hearts and Closed Minds

2010-02-13T11:06:00.000-06:00

Today, I read this:
"And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word..." Alma 12:10

And being the articulate, thoughtful person that I am I said,"Well, duh!" If you don't let it in, you are not going to get anything from it. For the first time, I made the connection that hard hearts are closed minds, and hearts that are not hard are open minds. Sometimes we miss out on the greater portion of the word because we've already decided the one and only thing that it can mean and we close ourselves off to all other possibilities.

"I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little" 2 Nephi 2:30 (Italics are mine.)

We talk a lot in church about the "line upon line" part, but it seems like we interpret the "here a little" part as referring to different times. My personal belief is that it also refers to different places and sources. Are we willing to open ourselves to truth from a source other than an approved church manual? The gospel encompasses all truth, and I believe that that includes some things that we don't talk about at church.

"Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more!" 2 Nephi 28:27

Hopefully I won't offend too many people here, but I worry about people that read only their scriptures, or maybe books published by Deseret Book. Yes, there is a wealth of information and truth there, but there is amazing truth outside of that narrow focus as well. My testimony has been strengthened by reading the writings of Pope John Paul II, Mother Teresa, Jimmy Carter, Mary Baker Eddy and others. No, I don't agree with them on everything, but they have brought light and truth to my life. For me, 2 Nephi 28:27, in addition to addressing the issue of continuing revelation, addresses the need to look outside ourselves and the truths within an easy reach. It invites us to continue questioning and searching and growing. It invites us to open our minds and hearts to truth.

I should have seen this coming!

2010-01-30T19:43:00.000-06:00

I've probably written this post before, or at least one very similar. And I'll probably write it at least a few more times before I finally quit being so stupid.

Fibromyalgia is my friend. It warns me when I'm doing too much and pushing myself too far. I've been majorly stressed since getting back to work after the holidays. There have just been too many things to do and not enough time and energy. To be honest, there have been a few good days here and there, but sometimes that's not such a good thing as I push myself even harder when I feel well.

Last week was pretty much a full fibromylagia flare up. The pain and tension were way up and the energy was way down. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it to someone that hasn't lived it. It's not just about being tired. Even fatigued doesn't quite describe it. I was so weak that a couple of times I wasn't sure I could walk. I did, but it took a lot of effort. Then there was Wednesday night while I was waiting for my takeout at Noodles. (No time to cook between work and meetings.) All I had to do was stand there and wait. I just about fell over and had to grab the wall to steady myself.

But my fibromylagia flare up isn't what this post is really about. The post is about me being stupid and not listening to my body's cries for rest. I'm on the planning committee for a major event that happens on Feb. 5. (Check out the website at www.voicesofhopemn.org). There were things that had to happen this week. I couldn't just put them off. So I did them. And because I failed to listen to my body's warnings, it had to take more drastic measures. It always does. When I don't listen to the pain and the fatigue and do something about it, my body resorts to its only other option in trying to get me to rest--it lets the germs take over.

Well, I got plenty of rest today because every time I got up to do something I felt like crap. The thing that really annoyed me was that when I was in bed, I didn't feel sick enough to just lie around wasting time. I did manage to accomplish a few things today, but none of the things that really needed to get done. I can probably allow myself most of Sunday to continue recovering, but once Monday hits, I have no choice. I have to work and get this stuff done. There are no times left in the schedule for make up lessons and I can't just refund the money since I really need it. The event will happen whether I get my stuff done or not, but the responsible part of me won't let me drop the ball at this point.

So either I get really healthy with my one more day of rest, or next weekend I'll be really, really sick. Why do I do this?

Tests and Trials

2010-01-24T13:09:00.000-06:00

Nearly 2 years behind schedule, Boeing began a 10 month test flight program in December on their new 787 Dreamliner. A lot is riding on the success or failure of this plane. They have already received orders for 840 planes at an official cost of $150 million per plane. Boeing is a major employer in the Seattle area and many, many lives are affected by what happens at Boeing. The first flight was a success and everything went as planned. The second flight however had some minor difficulties with the landing gear. Did they label the 787 a failure and scrap the whole project? Of course not! They expected there to be some problems. That is what the test flights are about--to see how the plane performs under a variety of circumstances, and if it doesn't perform as expected, to keep tweaking it until it does.

The link below tells more about the second flight and also has some great quotes that I will be referring to.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/boeingaerospace/2010568452_secondflight23.html

So why all this stuff about Boeing? Today I had a mini-inspiration and Boeing's story seemed like a great way to explain it. Today in church, the person giving the Invocation said something to the effect of "we know this life is a trial," referring of course to our belief that this life is a test to see if we will prove ourselves worthy of all that the Father has to give us. As he said it though, my thought was "this life is a trial-run, a chance to see if we are ready for the real thing."

As I've mentioned before, I'm in the process of reframing a lot of what I learned at church as a child. I think that I ended up with a lot of ideas that weren't necessarily doctrine, or even what those teaching me intended me to get. We learn through the filter of our own personal experiences and personalities. I was born a perfectionist and a rule keeper. Everything was black and white. I do believe that this was part of who I came to this earth as, part of my personality, and not just what I was being taught.

To me, tests and trials were about judgement, pass or fail, good enough or not good enough. I was frustrated that people kept telling me to think about the eternal perspective and that the difficulties of this life didn't matter much in the context of eternity. Our lives were just a tiny point in the line of our existence. Then in the next breath, they would say that this life is our one chance. If you do well, you get the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. If not, well it doesn't really matter what happens if not, because if you are not in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, you have failed and will not be able to progress. You have one life and only one, and when you are dead there are no more chances to change. We are here to prove to ourselves, not all-knowing God, where we really belong.

Or at least that is what I thought they were saying to me.

The slightly more mature me sees trials and tests as learning experiences. Pass or fail is not as important as what you gain from the experience. It is in the process of getting there that we learn what we need to know. And so when I thought about life as a trial run, it just made sense. Heavenly Father has promised us all that he has, but he has to know that we can handle it. Life isn't a one time pass or fail. It is a series of test flights. Some are successful and some...well, not so much. Each of these flights gives Heavenly Father a chance to see where we are and what we need to become like him. It's not all or nothing. He's not going to scrap the project. He will (and we should) keep tweaking it and fixing the little things until all is as it should be.

Now for the quotes:

Aviation-safety expert John Nance, upon hearing a description of the problems based on recordings of the flight's radio chatter, said they sounded "pretty straightforward. ... These are things you always have on a test flight."

Did you catch that? "These are things you always have on a test flight." ALWAYS. Nobody is perfect. We should expect some mistakes and difficulties.

A company statement said, "It's important to remember that flight-test programs are conducted to identify and solve issues as they arise."

"To identify and solve issues," not to condemn, not to declare a failure, but to get to the heart of the problem and do something about it.

Here's another thing I heard in church today, "Heavenly Father doesn't expect you to be perfect, he expects you to try."

My latest binge food

2010-01-23T21:58:00.000-06:00

I am happy to announce that I've done extrememely well avoiding that list of foods that I seem to have no control over. You remember them: cookies, cakes, candies, pies, french fries, white bread, potato chips. Basically, I've cut out all junk food and it really helps, but there is a deeper issue. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm stressed, like I have been for the last few weeks, my eating gets out of control.

I need comfort foods. Today it was blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese. I think I had enough today to count the blueberries as a serving of fruit. Scary, but true. Rationing doesn't work. If it's in the house, I eat it. So I guess, another beloved favorite is being added to the list of things that I can't bring home.

In a counseling session once, it was recommended that when I am eating emotionally, I should substitute a healthier food for the bad one. I do like carrots, but I'm sorry, they just don't cut it when you need something to calm you down. Carrots are not a substitute for potato chips or gold fish.

What I really need to do is get back to exercising every day and doing my deep breathing exercises. Both do a lot to help me keep my stress, eating, and weight in check. I know it. I just need to do it. The good news is that I went to the gym tonight. I didn't stay long, but I do feel better.

If you have ideas for great low-cal comfort foods, please let me know. I want foods that are warm, flavorful and creamy. I actually found a really good low-cal butternut squash soup that seems to satisfy that need for comfort food.

Baggage vs. Experience

2010-01-18T10:54:00.000-06:00

Just reading the title of the blog inspired me. In the blog, the author talks about baggage vs. experience in terms of singing and teaching. I love the things she has to say, but I wanted to take it further and explore what those terms mean in my life and how they affect how I live. If you are interested in what she had to say, you can read her blog here.
Once More With Feeling: Baggage versus Experience

Baggage
--burdens that trap us in the past.
--things that weigh us down and keep us from moving forward.
--heavy.
--keeps us focused on our own problems.
--things we can't let go of.
--bondage.
--makes us fear the future.
--makes us victims.
Here are two great definitions from the dictionary--"superfluous or intrusive things or circumstances", "outmoded theories or practices."

Do we have too many "things" in our lives that keep us from seeing and doing what we need to see and do right now? How often do we continue with the old methods of coping even though they clearly aren't working any more?

I keep thinking about the rule we used for international choir trips--you only pack as much as you can run through the airport with. When we are hauling too much baggage, we are too slow and miss opportunities for wonderful things because as the plane leaves for the adventure, we are still trying to get one of those stupid carts loaded up with all the bags full of stuff we thought we couldn't live without.

I keep thinking of Matthew 11:28-30. I know I've written about it before and I probably will again because it is such a powerful statement. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden..." That sounds like an invitation to people that are carrying too much baggage. And in this world, you don't have to look for baggage, it finds you. Baggage comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a natural disaster, like the recent earthquake in Haiti. Sometimes it is abuse--physical, emotional, or sexual. Sometimes we pick up baggage when someone offends us. And sometimes the offense occurs without any intent on their part. Sometimes baggage is a physical or mental illness. Sometimes the baggage is a list of "shoulds" that belong to someone else.

I teach in a school that as a whole is extremely privileged. But as you start to look at individual lives, you see the horrendous baggage that has been thrown at these kids. I have several students that qualify for accomodations under the Federal Disabilities Act. I have had students with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I heard that there is a family living in their car--in Minnesota in the winter!

Life is hard and we have no control over the baggage that is thrown at us. We do have some control over what we decide to pick up and carry with us long term. We also have some control over when we choose to set it down. Notice that I said "some control". It would be nice if it was as easy as just surrendering the baggage to God, but even that is not as easy as it sounds. The process of changing that baggage into something that helps us grow and move forward is time consuming and work intensive, but ultimately so much better. Unfortunately, I can't give you the formula since every person must process every piece of baggage in a way unique to that person and situation.

Experience
--what we have learned from the past.
--things that open the door to a better future.
--allows us to reach out and help others.
--things we own, but do not allow to control us.
--freedom.
--helps us trust the future.
--makes us survivors.

My favorite dictionary definitition of experience is "knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events."

When I think of experience, two scriptures come to mind. The first is Doctrine and Covenants Section 122 vs. 7: "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. "

That is some serious baggage being thrown at you, but the Lord is telling us that even with all of that, it is possible to learn and grow from it.

The other scripture is 2 Corinthians Chapter 4: 8-9, 17: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed...For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."

I've always been just a little jealous of people with perfect faith. Yes, I do know people who really can look at things like Paul did. Logically, I know from past experience that I will survive whatever it is that life is throwing at me and that there is the potential to learn and grow from this experience, but it is a lot harder for me to find that peace--to let the event become experience instead of baggage.

I've been fascinated recently by what I've been reading about the brain and how it works. There are two things specifically related to this baggage and experience topic that have interested me. First, some brains naturally function in a way that promotes the faith and peace that Paul displayed, and other brains tend naturally toward fear and mistrust. The second thing that impressed me is how much we can change the way our brains and the brains around us function by making conscious choices. Yes, I've just simplified it incredibly, there's much more to it than that, but I love the idea that yes, the choices we make are affected by our biology, but our choices also affect our biology. We may be given baggage, but we have the power to change it into experience--to make it into something better.

I used to carry a lot of baggage. I've understood the experience principle and even used it well in some circumstances. For example, I have asthma, which is not great for a singer, but I have learned how to live with it and sing with it, and I have been able to share that knowledge with my students with asthma. Other kinds of baggage are harder to let go of or transform. There are still some things I need to let go of, but when I started thinking about baggage and experience last night, I was pleasantly surprised to realize how much of the baggage I have been able to get rid of.

I am who I am. My past is my past and cannot be changed. I can own my past including all the baggage whether that baggage is of my own making or thrust upon me, but owning it doesn't mean giving it control over my life now. It means acknowledging it and finding a way to make my life better, not in spite of the bad things, but because of them, by embracing them and learning from them.

One last random thought for today. God doesn't want us to have baggage. That mountain of stuff stands between us, keeping us from feeling His love and keeping us from growing. Experience is what He wants for us. Experience is what brings us closer to our divine potential.

Highs and Lows

2010-01-14T19:58:00.001-06:00

This week I have done some amazing things and some really dumb things.

Monday and Tuesday were great days. I made a bunch of phone calls I have been putting off (I hate the telephone) and scheduled doctor appointments and an appointment to get my car serviced. Also in a moment of what I'm sure was complete insanity, I signed up for a Tai Chi class, emailed someone to let them know that I will be attending a Singles Conference this weekend, and signed up for the U of MN mini-medical school. I'm kind of glad that I was slightly manic and not really thinking things through, because if registering for those things had been on the list of things to do today, I might have been to overwhelmed to commit to them. Tai Chi starts Jan. 25 and goes for several Monday nights and then the mini-medical school lectures are the several Monday nights after that. Both are things that I've wanted to do for a long time, but this is the first time that they have been offered at a time that I'm not teaching.

Monday I also set up a massage appointment. Yes, it's another expense and I'm trying to trim the budget, and no, it is not a luxury. It is an investment in my health. Several years ago I was getting regular massages and they helped with the pain management a lot. I had my massage on Tuesday and have another set up for next week. Again, I'm glad I was feeling good enough that I didn't stop to think about all the reasons I really shouldn't do this. I really should. It helps and that is reason enough. I'll trim the budget in other areas.

Now on to the not so good days. I'm on the organizing committee for a major fund-raiser that happens on Feb. 5. For more details on it, go to www.voicesofhopemn.org . It is going to be amazing, but the part of it that I am taking care of is getting frustrating for me. It's mostly because I have people that I need to get things to by a certain date, but I can't do that until I received information from other people and the date that I will get that just keeps getting pushed further and further back. I do realize that I overplan. I want to have a plan to cover every little thing that might come up. I'm a firm believer that if you cover all your bases, you can change that plan if needed, but at least you have an idea of what is going on. I'm working with someone that I totally love and she is amazing with creating energy and excitement for projects like these, but her style is a little more "fly by the the seat of your pants," and that is stressing me out a little. I know that everything will turn out all right in the end, but that didn't help me sleep any better last night. It took me several hours to wind down after our meeting and then I woke up thinking about it again this morning.

Because I let the fund-raiser frustration take over my brain, I heard myself say something totally inappropriate this morning. It was very out of character for me. I immediately apologized, but still I can't believe I even let it happen. I believe that as much as possible our interactions with our students should be positive ones. We correct, but we never belittle or do anything to make them feel that who they are as a person is wrong. (I had that experience with a teacher, and it taught me that I never want my students to feel that way.) But today, the part of my brain that is in charge of monitoring those communications wasn't working. A student was walking down the hall toward me to come to her lesson. She said, "My books are in my locker. Do you want me to go get them?"

My response should have been, "Yes. And please hurry." Instead I said, "(insert name), that was a DUMB question. It's your voice lesson. Of course you need your books." I don't believe in dumb questions, or I didn't, but that really was one. However, I should never have responded that way. I immediately apologized, but have thought about it several times during the day wondering how I could have changed that. Like I said, there was no thought process before it came out my mouth. The thought and the words happened at exactly the same time. That's something I get on these kids for, not something a mature adult should be doing. Anyway, I hope that I can learn to deal with my stress and frustration better so that I don't end up in "blurt mode" anymore.

Enchilada Madness

2010-01-04T19:08:00.000-06:00

I just remembered why I don't make my amazing enchiladas very often. In fact, I think it has been over 6 months since I did. Why, you ask, would anyone avoid making such a great meal? It's actually a little bit of a long story.

As I've mentioned before, there are some foods (like sugar, bread, chips, french fries, etc.) that I just can't eat in moderation. The sugar, bread, etc. I've decided just not to eat. I'm actually happier without any at all than I am when I try to eat responsibly. My enchiladas just may have moved into that category.

When I cook, I really cook. I usually make double or triple batches of things and freeze the extras for lunches later. My recipe for the enchiladas is actually a smaller version that I figured out from my friend's recipe. She makes this to feed 30 or more people. Yesterday I made enchiladas--a lot of enchildas. Here's the problem though--it's easier to separate them and cut them into smaller portion sizes after they have cooled, and I didn't get that done yesterday. So in addition to eating several yesterday, I had them for breakfast lunch and dinner today as well, and sadly, at dinner I just kept going back for more. I was full, but I couldn't stop. They say that after the first few bites you don't really taste it anymore, but that is so not true. The last bites were absolutely every bit as yummy as the first few.

The good news is that the leftovers have now been frozen in single portion sizes (and for some reason I don't pull another out of the freezer if I want more.) The bad news is that after I've finished up eating this batch, the enchiladas might have to join the "Don't eat it at all" group. Either that, or I need to freeze them immediately (which might not work.)

Lame blog, I know, but that is where my life is right now. I did a great job of not eating a lot of junk over the holidays and then I came home and overdid it with the enchiladas. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day and I can start again.

My Christmas Vacation

2010-01-03T18:29:00.000-06:00

Every time I get a few days away from work, I have a huge list of things that I want to get done. And almost always, I return to work without accomplishing as much as I had hoped. It used to frustrate me and I felt a lot of anxiety in the last 12 hours or so before returning to work. I'm learning to let go of that. My house isn't clean yet, but I had a good break. And, I have a full fridge and freezer, the laundry is almost done, and I already prepped for lessons tomorrow, so the most important things are done.

As I packed to go to my parents' house, I purposely packed lightly knowing that I could do laundry there and that I needed to save room in the suitcase for the presents I would be bringing home. When I got to their house, I found out that their washer was broken. Great! My brother ordered a part, but we all ran out of clean clothes and towels before the part arrived. It's a good thing my parents have a minivan, because we filled it with laundry to take to the laundromat. My mom and dad and I spent the morning at the laundromat. It was actually kind of fun, but also reminded me how glad I am to have a washer and dryer in my home. I don't miss the days of having to go to the laundromat. Their washer was fixed by the time I left, but I didn't get a chance to do laundry there, so I brought home a suitcase full of dirty clothes. The last load just went in the dryer.

Health problems and work schedules changed some of our usual ways of celebrating. We still went to see the lights in the park, but Dad and one brother didn't come because they both have back problems and have trouble sitting that long. We almost always go to a movie together, but the ones that looked good were too long for the guys with the bad backs and the other brother with kidney stones. My sister-in-law had to work on Christmas, so we did our dinner and opened presents on Christmas Eve. I did kind of like that, although we didn't do our usual Christmas Eve singing. Christmas was quieter and calmer.

The really great part of Christmas was that even though I received lots of foods on my "don't eat" list as gifts and stocking stuffers, I didn't eat any(quietly snuck them into the communal bowl) and came home without gaining any more weight. Yeah! Plus, I didn't have to worry about the pain and emotional roller coaster that comes when I have too much sugar.

During my break, I rested (a lot), read 3 books and part of another, watched hours of TV (I figure it's OK to waste a lot of time like this during break since I don't even own a TV), ran errands and went shopping with my parents, memorized two more songs for my recital, and had several fun game nights with the family. They get together once a week for family night, so they get to play a lot of games all year, but I'm only there once a year, so they humor me and play more than once a week. This year, my brother bought the family Phase 10 Twist. We love Phase 10 and have played it for years, but sometimes it takes way to long to finish a game. This is somewhat shorter, and still a lot of fun. I think I laugh more during family game nights than any other time during the year. Laughter is good.

This next year will bring a lot of changes for my family. My dad will probably take an early retirement at the end of the year for health reasons. Dad is talking about moving soon after that because of the high cost of living where they are now. Mom teaches music lessons and would like to continue for a few more years, but is concerned about giving up all her current students and starting over in a new place. It takes a long time to build a studio. I guess I'll know more about there plans in the spring.

My parents' health problems also make me wonder more about my future. At some point, I will probably need to move closer to them to help take care of them. Like my mom, I am concerned about starting over in a new place and the fact that it takes several years to build a studio large enough to take care of my financial obligations. Plus, the kind of work that I do here--actually working within a high school choral program--just doesn't exist there. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But right now, I need to quit writing and get ready to be a great teacher tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Resolutions and Goals

2010-01-02T12:11:00.000-06:00

At this time of year, nearly every magazine, paper, and blog has something about New Year's Resolutions and over the years, I've probably read hundreds of articles about how to set goals and resolutions and actually achieve them. Sometimes the information was helpful and sometimes it wasn't. Like singing and dieting, there is a lot of information out there, but each of us as individuals must experiment and find what works for our own circumstances. Over the past few years, I've learned a lot about what works for me. If anything here works for you, feel free to steal it. Also feel free to totally ignore what doesn't work.

First, your goal or resolution must be something that you really want to do or achieve, not something you "should" do. If you don't have a real desire for it, it will be come one of those resolutions that you forget about by the end of January.

Second, your goal or resolution should be realistic. If you use words like "every" and "never", you are setting yourself up for failure. Yes, it's good to work toward that, but if you decide to exercise every day and then miss one day in February, you've blown the resolution for the whole year.

Third, when writing goals or resolutions, you need to take into consideration things that are beyond your control. You may seriously want the lead in the musical, and have the talent to get it, but you are not in charge of casting. The director may have a different look or sound in mind. A much better goal would be to work on your singing, dancing, and acting skills and give the best audition that you are capable of.

Fourth, goals and resolutions are more easily accomplished when broken down into baby steps. Make a list of things that you need to do in order to accomplish your goal and then work on those one at a time. You are less likely to get overwhelmed or frustrated this way, and celebrating those little steps gives you the encouragement to keep going.

Fifth, post your list of resolutions or goals where you can see if every day. This helps keep you on target. In 2008, my resolutions were on the fridge door, and I've never had a more productive year (as far as resolutions go anyway).

Sixth, if at any point during the year you realize that a resolution needs to be adjusted, make the changes. Don't just keep working towards something you don't want or that is unrealistic considering your current life situation.

I didn't do so well on my 2009 resolutions, so here are some revised ones for 2010.

My 2010 Resolutions

I resolve to be more realistic about what I can accomplish.

Personal care and enrichment
1. Make writing a priority for each day. Journal, novels, stories, blogs, and voice book all count.
2. Read things that challenge me and help me grow intellectually and spiritually. Think about what I read. Highlight, take notes, and write in the margins.
3. Keep on top of laundry, ironing, de-cluttering, cleaning, or managing finances. It's OK to just do a little bit of a job. A little is better than nothing.
4. Do something every day that makes me feel good. This is one of those where I think I can make an exception to the "every" rule.
5. Continue to improve my eating habits.
6. Continue to improve my exercise habits. (Aim for 12 days at gym every month.)

Money
1. Make smarter choices about my money.
2. Eat out less.
3. Increase savings deposits and look into CDs or other investment/savings options.

Work
1. When accepting new students, think first about how much stress it will add, and then about how much I need the money.
2. No new students after 5PM.
3. Continue working to find ways to push students without pushing them over the edge.

Some people might look at this and think that I'm not pushing myself very hard. It's true. I spent too many years pushing too hard, and sometimes for things that I didn't even want. By setting goals and resolutions like this, I give myself a little room to breathe and a lot less stress. Because this is totally doable, I don't waste time and energy beating myself up for failures. I can actually do quite a bit with these kinds of goals by just reminding myself of them frequently.

New insights

2009-12-21T12:19:00.000-06:00

I love how songs, scriptures, books, etc. speak to us based on where we are in our lives and what experiences we've had. It might mean one thing when you are 15, and something totally different at 35.

Matthew 11:28-30 has always been one of my favorite scriptures, but yesterday as I read it, I found a new truth.
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I've always focused on the idea of the yoke--a way that Christ can share our burdens and make them easier. But yesterday in church, either the woman speaking skipped verse 29 or I wasn't listening closely, which is definitely a possibility, and without verse 29, I heard the truth that I was ready for.

I have a whole list of unwritten rules that carry way too much weight in my life, and I'm slowly trying to reframe them to healthier "rules". Two of those old rules are:
1. Don't get in the way.
2. Don't be a burden to anyone.
I can force myself to endure quite a lot in order to avoid burdening anyone else. As I heard verse 30, the thought came to me Christ can handle it. He can take on my burdens as well. That's not to say that what he did was easy, but I don't need to worry about "overloading" Him or pushing him over the edge. He can take it.

I'm the worst person in the world when it comes to asking for help, but it's nice to know that there is someone that won't feel overburdened by my requests.

Looking Forward

2009-12-13T16:18:00.000-06:00

Today has been a really good day. The sunrise was beautiful and for most of the day, the sun was shining and the sky was blue--a very positive way to start this new phase of my life. The last few days I have been impressed by the beauty of the sunrises, sunsets, and other small things. That is something that I want to continue for the rest of my life. I want to recognize and get excited by beauty every day.

I'm old enough and experienced enough to really understand now that I have limitless opportunities to start over. Sure, there are consequences when I can't maintain my goals, but even those can't stop me from trying again. I am no longer crushed by failures or depression. I know that the difficult times are only temporary. I will get through it and there is something better on the other side.

Fibromyalgia has really been a wonderful gift. It reminds me that I need to care for myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. It lets me know if I've missed too many days at the gym. It lets me know if I've overloaded my schedule with things for other people, leaving no time to take care of me. It reminds me that I can do anything, I just can't do everything right now. It also reminds me to review my personal goals and desires and not get caught up trying to do and be what everyone else wants me to be. Fibromyalgia is my friend, a friend that asks me, actually demands, that I take care of myself. And when I don't, it reminds me, first gently, and then not so gently, sometimes forcing me to abandon any other plans to get the rest I need.

I really do not know what my future will hold. Right now I have work that I love and people that I love to work with. I hope to continue with that as long as possible, but I also know that if I am forced to do something else, somewhere else, I can find a way to make it work and find happiness in that.

I am so much more at peace than I was several years ago, and I'm really hoping that that continues into my future. I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want. Now I'm trying to live that life with integrity--to say and do, not what the world wants me to say or do, but what I know in my heart is part of who I am.

Awhile back I posted on one of my blogs about the theme songs of my life. I've had some special songs that carried me through difficult times and inspired me. I couldn't think of anything that really fit where I am in my life now. Then a few weeks later, I heard my song. I've actually known it for several years, but it had always been just a song, not a contender for one of the theme songs of my life. So here it is, and this is how I hope to live the rest of my life.

"I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles
I am what I am
I am my own special creation.
So come take a look,
Give me the hook or the ovation.
It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."
I am what I am,
I don't want praise, I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum,
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty.
And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,
Why not try to see things from a diff'rent angle?
Your life is a sham 'til you can shout out loud
I am what I am!
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.
There's one life, and there's no return and no deposit;
One life, so it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not worth a damn 'til you can say,
"Hey world, I am what I am!"

I'm proud of the things I've accomplished, even if I'm not where the rest of the world thinks I should be. I am in a place that makes me happy. I am doing work that is important and that I love. It's not about what they think about me. It's about what I think about me. And I think I have a wonderful future ahead of me. This is going to be a great year. Happy Birthday to me!

Looking Back

2009-12-12T20:19:00.000-06:00

Tonight is my last night before a milestone birthday. I'll let you guess which one. Many people dread this birthday, and I've known some to actually become depressed over it, but I'm kind of excited. I'm looking at it as the beginning of the next phase of my life. But that's tomorrow's post.
Today, I want to write about where I've been, the things I've done, and the experiences that brought me to the place that I am today.

My mother says that I was born 50 (or she might have said 40). The point is, I was very much an adult in a little kid's body. My mother was very young when I was born. She also tells people that sometimes she was the mother and sometimes I was. I was often far more comfortable around adults than other kids my age. I did very well in school and was always one of the favorites, mostly I think because I always obeyed all the rules. OK, there were a few times I didn't, but they were so traumatic for me that I just went back to doing what I was told. I couldn't understand people that didn't follow the rules.

High school was tough for me. I did well academically, but emotionally, I was a mess. I very clearly remember times when I could hardly wait for school to be over so I could go home, and then at home, I could hardly wait for the time to go to school, so I could get out of that situation. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have a horrible home life. My family did the best the could. I just had no skills for dealing with conflict, and there was a lot of conflict in our home at that time. Often after school I would take a nap until dinner. I do think that part of it was that I was tired. I also think that part of it was that I was avoiding having to deal with people.

College provided some of the best experiences of my life, but also some of the worst. I met people that opened my eyes and mind to things I had never considered. I also saw hypocrisy that appalled me. I met people who claimed to believe certain things, but their actions seemed completely opposite. Still stuck in my "obey the rules" thinking, it really shook me.
During college, I also met people and had experiences that helped me to discover who I really am and what I believe. Through music, I learned how to trust and to be open. I can't always apply it in other areas, but this was a start.

All my years in school also took a toll mentally and physically. The depression was finally diagnosed, but it would be many years before I really understood it and gained some control over it. Depression, hormonal imbalances, allergies and fibromyalgia all played a part in making my life miserable during those years. I believe that the allergies and fibromyalgia were present then, even though it was much later that they were finally diagnosed and I began treatment for them. But even in those dark days, there were moments of brightness, when I felt joy. I had some amazing experiences and loved the intellectual challenge of all of that.

Ten years ago, I was in the middle of a DMA program in Vocal Performance when I realized I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't keep doing what everyone else thought I should be doing. And I couldn't keep pushing myself to such extremes physically. I quit school and took every little part time job I could get to get by. And I think there were a few years that I actually pushed myself even harder than when I had been in school. But I also paid off a huge amount of debt. And I started to learn about what I wanted and who I was.

I still have a huge balance to pay off on my student loans, but over the last few years, I've cut back on work to take care of myself more physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've learned to say no. There is still a lot of guilt, but it doesn't feel as bad as when I push my body too far. I've learned to listen to my body, and most of the time, I'm able to adjust things to get the rest and care I need so that things don't get really bad. I had even lost a lot of weight and was happy most of the time. When I started letting the world tell me how to live my life and spend my time, that started to slip. I've gained back all of the weight, plus a few pounds, and I'm about 50-50 for good days and bad days. But, now I know what I need to do, and I'm starting over again. I've completely cut out the foods that I know I can't manage with moderation. And I'm going to the gym more regularly again. I'm also taking time to just be still.

This is a good time in my life. I'm not a little kid. I'm not the trying to figure out what I want in life. I'm not trying to prove to the world how successful I can be. I'm finding what makes me happy, where I want to be with my life, and I care a lot less about what other people think of me. Yes, it's true that what the world thinks will never be completely removed from my mind, but it bothers me a lot less these days.

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

2009-12-11T19:34:00.000-06:00

A while back, I posted a response to a "Don't take Christ out of Christmas" email I received. I recently found this article and love what she has to say about it.

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

2009-12-11T19:32:00.000-06:00

A while back I posted a response to a "Don't take Christ out of Christmas" email that I received. I just found this article and love it. With the exception of the second to the last paragraph where she talks about resenting the "winter" concerts, and "holiday" stuff, I totally agree with her. What do you think?

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

Let's make Christmas more about remembering Christ and becoming more like him.

My Day--My Life

2009-12-09T19:14:00.001-06:00

Some people might think that a list of what I did today is not all that exciting or thought provoking. And they are right, but as I thought back on the ups and downs of this day, I realized that today is a snapshot of my life. If I had to describe my life overall, today would be a pretty good description. Stick with me here and hopefully things will get clearer.

I only pushed snooze twice this morning before finally turning the alarm off and the light on. I didn't really want to face the day yet, so instead of getting up, I grabbed my iPhone and checked the school closings on the news website. The list was huge, so I scrolled down to the R's to look for our district. I couldn't believe it when our district was on the list. I had to check the district website and my own school email before I felt OK about not getting ready for work. Then I was so excited I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up with big plans to accomplish a lot today.

I tend to be wary of good news and check it out before I let myself get excited. I'm not sure why I do that, but it is a part of who I am. I also tend to get really excited about things early on and sometimes give myself too much to accomplish.

When I checked my email on my phone, I realized that I needed to immediately take care of something that I needed to do on the computer and not on the phone. A few hours later, I had checked Facebook (several times), Goodreads, and email and had caught up on all my blog reading. I had also found a great Christmas present idea on one of the blogs and worked on that for awhile too.

It's easy for me to get sucked into lots of other things which means I'm usually working on several projects at the same time. I will also almost always choose computer work (or play) over housework.

But, my bathroom floor really needed to be cleaned, so it cooked up a devious little plan with the toilet to get my attention. Maybe the washer was in on it too, I'm not sure. Anyway, when the toilet ran over, I handled it calmly and quickly grabbed the bleachable towels and threw them on the floor. They were super absorbent so it didn't take long to clean up the mess. The towels went straight from the floor to the washer and became the first load of laundry for the day. I figured that as long as I had to scrub the floor, I might as well do it right and clean the baseboards too. The toilet, floor, baseboards, and washer are all much happier now knowing that I still care about them.

I really handled the whole toilet thing quite well. Sometimes in life things happen that we wish didn't, and you can either do something about it or let it create bigger problems.

I also trimmed my nails today and put oil on my awful looking cuticles. Then I did several cleaning projects that involved getting my hands wet or needing to wash them several times.

Sometimes we try to do a good thing (the oil), and the rest if life undoes it. Actually that seems to be a theme in my life. The important part is that I tried. Maybe I'll try again just before bed.

Today I ran the dishwasher AND put the dishes away when it was done. Isn't there some law against that? Like the law that leftovers can't be thrown away immediately but must be refrigerated until fuzzy and then thrown away. Or the law that if you are folding towels while watching TV, you must hold each towel for a minimum if 2 minutes before actually folding it and picking up another.

I totally expected Murphy's law to kick in when I went out to shovel the snow. Here's the thing--I'm not supposed to have to shovel it. I rent and in the lease it says they will take care of snow removal. It doesn't say when. The first plow came through in the morning, but since the people whose garages are next to mine park outside of the garages, the plow didn't cut in to clean out the space in front if my garage. It's a good thing I didn't have to go to work today. There is no way I could have got the car out through the massive drift in front of the door. So this afternoon when there was only an hour of daylight left, I put on 3 pairs of pants, two sweaters, my coat, and two pairs of gloves and went out to shovel. I'm surprised I could move with all I was wearing to stay warm, but I got the job done. That was the point when I expected Murphy's law to kick in. The plow should have been there right as I finished, but it wasn't. It still hasn't come.

So what did I learn from this? Murphy doesn't have power over everything in my life! Yeah! This is also representative of how I deal with most hard things. I would rather do it myself than call to complain, or ask someone to help me. It's not always a good thing, but I have learned that there isn't much I can't do by myself if I really try.

So, that was my day. What did you do?

-- Posted from my iPhone

The Fibro Dilemmas

2009-12-07T18:08:00.000-06:00

As I've mentioned before, I have fibromyalgia. One of the joys (not) of fibromylagia is the pain. And because my body hates pain, all the muscles in my body tighten in response to it. When the pain and tension reach a certain level, nausea and vomitting kick in too. Luckily I'm not there today, yet.

One of the best things to help the pain is exercise. Exercise releases endorphins which help kill the pain. Exercise also increases blood flow which helps to relax the muscles. However, there are some times when exercise is just too much and I end up feeling worse. Tonight I really want to go to the gym, but my leg is already bothering me and was hurting just walking. Do I go to the gym and fight through the first 30-40 minutes in pain? Yes, sometimes it takes that long for the good stuff to kick in. Or do I take a day off and rest?

Which brings me to the next dilemma--I need lots of rest and sleep, but if I stay in the same position too long, when I do move, there is a lot of stiffness and pain. Will going to bed early help me feel better tomorrow, or will too many hours in bed make me feel worse?

The hard part is that there isn't a formula for figuring out the right answers. Two situations that seem exactly the same could yield completely opposite results. That's the fun part of Fibromyalgia. Throw in the fact that with Fibro fog it is hard to think clearly, and it really becomes fun.

OK, enough complaining. Time for meds.

Dreams

2009-12-05T20:49:00.000-06:00

For several years I've had a recurring dream. A person that I know quite well (and who won't be named here) is trying to kill me. If you are really into what dreams mean, this could mean that I have repressed a memory of when this person really did try to kill me (scary as it sounds, it could be true), or it might be a premonition of something that will happen in the future (not as likely), or perhaps the person isn't literally killing me, but I feel like a part of myself, of my identity, has been killed, and the dreams are asking me to find it and save it (possible).

Or, since most of the time the person tries to smother me, it could mean that I'm having trouble breathing through my nose and should take a decongestant before bed. I'm 90% sure that that is what it is. But still it makes me wonder.

Goodbye NaNoWriMo

2009-12-01T07:09:00.001-06:00

Well folks, it's over. The non-writers among you may ask why we do this to ourselves every year. We even ask ourselves that frequently, but here are my reasons.

1. My imagination needs the work out. I read a lot, and although that involves imagination, it is using someone else's creativity rather than my own. Nanowrimo reminds me of my own personal need to create and gives me a wonderful venue for that.

2. I could and probably should write all year, but the realities of life often push writing to the bottom of the list. For one month during Nanowrimo, I can let the other things be less important, and let this less developed talent take center stage.

3. It gives me a chance once a year to do something hard for no other reason than I want to.

4. The most important reason I still do nano is for the people. At first for me it really was about the writing, but now it is about relationships. Through forums and write-ins, I watched people of all ages and walks of life come together with a common goal. We encourage each other when we think we'll never make it. We comfort those whose real life challenges keep them from reaching their nano goals. We remind each other that it's not really about if we make 50000 or not (even though we all want it desperately.) It is about how we change and grow through the process. We cheer wildly and sing rousing versions of "We Are the Champions" in public places when people cross the finish line.

We do crazy things like a 28 hour write-in tour. No I didn't make the whole tour, but I had a great time.

Last night I even stayed out way too late to do the final countdown with my fellow writers.

To all those NaNoWriMo friends-- Congratulations on your victory. Whether you "won" or not, you faced a difficult task with courage (although some of my other friends might call it insanity) and did something amazing that most people are never even brave enough to try. See you tonight at the party!

-- Posted from my iPhone

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T17:07:00.000-06:00

I know. I know. I win the prize for most original blog title today.
I've spent most of the day being lazy--sleeping, eating, a little writing, but basically taking it easy. And it needed it.

And now I start the part of my day where I really celebrate Thanksgiving. A week or two ago, I wrote about an email I had received about not taking Christ out of Christmas. Today I address the people that want to take Thanksgiving out of Thanksgiving. OK, probably no one really does, but I hate calling it Turkey Day. First of all, my family also has a turkey for Christmas and sometimes even for New Year's so calling Thanksgiving Day Turkey Day doesn't really make it a unique and special holiday. And, why do so many of us just eat turkey for the holidays. Turkey is a great low fat protein source that we could be eating year round.

And if I argue that we shouldn't have one day set aside just for Turkeys, perhaps I should remind myself that we shouldn't have just one day set aside for giving thanks either.

So, here are some things that I am thankful for. The list isn't complete, but it does contain things that are important to me at this moment.

I am thankful for music.
I am thankful for technology that allows me to connect with people across the world that share similar goals, values, and desires.
I am thankful for choices.
I am thankful for the chance to start over.
I am thankful for the blessing of seeing the world and all in it as inseparably connected.
I am thankful for people that reach out and share of their abundance.
I am thankful for a home, a bed to sleep in, food to eat. It's easy to compare what I have to what I want and feel deprived, but I have so much more than so many people in the world.
I am thankful that I was taught to love others regardless of whether or not I agree with the choices they make in their lives.
I am thankful for an example of giving without thought of the personal risk or consequences.
I am thankful for family and friends that love me, even when I am not being very lovable.
I am thankful for a job I love and a chance to share something I love with my students.
I am thankful for the beauty of nature, and the opportunity to remember that it doesn't have to be a sun-shiny day with bright flowers to be beautiful.
I am thankful for teachers, both those that teach as a profession, and those that have just been at the right place and the right time to help me learn something important.

Now I'm off to do more celebrating.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thoughts for the day

2009-11-23T07:09:00.000-06:00

If you didn't have deadlines, how would you know how far behind you are?

If you don't have a plan, how can you change it?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Winter solstice

2009-11-22T18:42:00.000-06:00

Do you remember that post about trying to enjoy December again? I said I wasn't going to add anything to the calendar, but I changed my mind. Sometime between my coaching with Ruth and the High School choir concerts later that evening, I'm going to find time for a personal Winter Solstice Celebration.

I can't handle the dark anymore and I'm very much looking forward to longer days. I can handle the ice and snow if I have some sun.

Any suggestions for what I should do?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Why the Christmas Gifts This Year Will Be Cheap (I Mean Inexpensive)

2009-11-21T18:50:00.000-06:00

Someday I hope to be financially able to spend a lot of money on my family and friends for Christmas. But it's not happening this year. Once again, the "big" presents will be things that the rich people I work for would call "stocking stuffers". If you're disappointed in your gift, here's why I couldn't spend more--in recent months I've been spending a lot of money taking care of me and my business and my home.

July--Purchased iPhone for my studio. Not cheap, but oh so worth it.
October--Car repairs. Stupid little things. The parts weren't much. It was the labor that made the bill so big.
--I had the furnace and furnace ducts cleaned. The same company also cleaned the bird's nest and all the backed up lint out of my dryer vent.
--Paid for the expensive, "empowered water" people to come clean my carpets. Yes, the carpets are cleaner and no chemicals were involved, but I'm not sure it's amazing enough to pay that price again.
November--The Dentist. At least it was only a cleaning, check-up and oral cancer screening. But $200??? And that was with the discount for paying that day. I should just be glad I can put off the crowns awhile longer. After reviewing my sleep study from couple of years ago, the dentist also recommended a splint to wear at night to help with the snoring. I said I'd wait on that. I sleep alone and the neighbors aren't banging on the walls yet.
--I still need to buy a plane ticket to WA which won't be cheap.

I'm really not complaining. Life is expensive. I know that. I just want you to know that your small and inexpensive, but meaningful gift was chosen because I am broke, not because I don't love you.

Pep talk

2009-11-21T13:13:00.000-06:00

I read this amazing Nanowrimo pep talk this morning and thought I would share it with you. It spoke to me on a lot different levels. Of course, it spoke to the writer in me, but also to the singer, and also to the regular everyday me just trying to get through life and make a difference.

I hope you enjoy it. I'll try to comment more about it later.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/node/3457857

Putting Happy Back in My Holidays

2009-11-20T17:35:00.000-06:00

I went through several years where I despised the month of December. Yes you read that right. I hated Christmas. It's also the month of my birthday. The two biggest celebrations of the year in the same month, and I hated that month.

When I was in college, somehow my birthday almost always fell during finals week. Happy Birthday! Not! My birthday month was connected with stress and sleep deprivation.

As I left school and began my life as a working professional, other stressors entered the December fun. How do I pay for the plane ticket home, or if I don't go home will they all be mad? What do I buy for family members that I only see once a year and don't really know all that well anymore? Oh yeah, and it can't cost very much. Then there were years when 1 or more of the grandparents were living with my parents and there were simply too many adults in the same house. When I couldn't handle the conversation (if you could call it that) I'd get up and go to the kitchen for some fudge. I ate a lot of fudge one year.

Then there is all the stress of holiday performances, both my own and those of my students. Then there are all the parties to go to, some of which I enjoy, but all of which take time that I wish I could use for other things.

OK, this post is not really about all the horrible things about the holidays. It's really about what I've been doing and what I'm planning to do this year to reclaim the joy of the holiday season and let go of some of the stress.

First we have to get through Thanksgiving. I'm doing things a little differently this year. OK, a lot different. I'm doing the eat-too-much-wonderful-food thing this week. And then I am spending Thanksgiving alone. No, please do not feel sorry for me and invite me over. I want to do this. I am choosing it. Rather than waiting for January 1, Thanksgiving Day is the day that I am starting a new phase of my life. And I will be celebrating quietly at home. I'm putting together a list of music that I want to list to that reminds me of all the wonderful things that I am thankful for. So far the list includes Mahler's "Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen"(I have a couple of really good performances of it that I will be listening to), John Denver's "It Amazes Me", and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Mack Wilberg's setting of Oliver Wendell Holmes text," Thou Gracious God, Whose Mercy Lends". Feel free to send recommendations of other songs to add to the list.

I've decided not to let myself get stressed this December. My calendar is currently as full as I'm going to allow it to be. I'm emailing the family to find out what everybody needs and/or wants for Christmas. Then I at least have some ideas. I'm going to listen to Christmas music--good Christmas music--everyday. I might even decorate this year. If it's all still up in April, you can come over and help me put it away.

What I'm not going to do in December is let the sugar control my life. Yes I love it, but it really doesn't love me, and I'm pretty sure that the world doesn't love me much when I've had too much sugar. So, this year, the holidays are not going to be about food. I'm going to find other ways to celebrate that don't involve food, caffeine, or alcohol. I'm going to do things that make me happy.

Diversity

2009-11-15T16:25:00.000-06:00

Warning: This is one of those posts, that might upset both my liberal and conservative friends. The views expressed here are mine, and mine alone, and do not represent any of the organizations of which I am a part.

I spent this weekend with a huge and crazy group of writers. We come from many walks of life, but are united by our crazy desire to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. The people I was with this weekend were maybe a little crazier than most Nanowrimo participants. You see, we were on a 28 hour write-in tour. Yes, 28 hours of writing. Granted, most of us didn't do the whole tour, but most people were there for quite awhile.

But I'm not here to talk about Nanowrimo or the tour. This post is about diversity. Diversity has become the rallying cry of the liberals, and practically a swear word among the conservatives. I was reminded this weekend just how diverse my friends are.

At the first write-in stop I overheard an interesting conversation. Someone was complaining about a friend/relative's complete anti-gay stance and this person's complete lack of morals in his/her own life while they continued to stand in judgement of homosexuals. Then I heard, "Don't get me wrong, I really do like Christians, it's just..." and the rest doesn't really matter. I just found it quite amusing that in the middle of Lutheran Minnesota, I was a minority as a Christian in this group. I had never really considered their religious beliefs or affiliations. That is not what our relationships are based on.

My friends are my friends because we share common interests. That doesn't mean we agree on everything. We shouldn't. That would be boring. I am friends with writers because of our love of writing. I am friends with musicians because of our love of music. And in both of those groups, I meet a wide variety of people with extremely diverse lives and beliefs. It's not my job to make them see the world like I do. My job is to take them as they are and build a friendship from the things we have in common.

This week, I received a well intentioned email reminding me that I shouldn't succumb to the pressures of the world to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". I shouldn't let the world take Christ out of this holiday. I was both pleased that these people were sharing their beliefs and saddened that according to this email, wishing my Jewish friend and co-worker "Happy Holidays" was compromising my own beliefs. I grew up in a small isolated community where the majority of the people belonged to one Christian church. I knew there were "others" out there, but non-members tended to downplay that status focusing instead on other things. In this community I knew very few non-Christians. Merry Christmas was a greeting that made sense in this community. In my current community, I encounter people of many religions, or no religion. Part of being a community is respecting those differences. I know some Christians who would be very upset if someone wished them a "Happy Hanukkah" or invited them to a Winter Solstice party. I think "Happy Holidays" is a great way to say, "Hey I'm celebrating. I don't know what you are celebrating, but I wish you the best anyway." Anyway, that was the long way of saying, "Dear Christian friends, please don't get on my case if I slip up and say Happy Holidays, instead of Merry Christmas. I wish all of my friends peace and happiness."

(My internet keeps disconnecting. Is it God telling me not to post this, or Satan placing obstacles in the way of my doing what is right?)

Now on to an even touchier subject. This week two Facebook friends posted references to the Catholic church threatening to stop serving the homeless in DC if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage law. While I think it is sad, I also believe that the Catholic Church has the right to make that choice. Instead of complaining that they will stop giving, perhaps the rest of us can consider how we can give more.

I will defend the right of a church to choose whom they will serve, to determine what they consider sin, and to choose how much to include or not include homosexuals in their church meetings and rituals.

I will also stand with my gay friends in defense of their rights to be treated with dignity and fairness, including matters of marriage and domestic partnerships.

Is there anyone out there that isn't mad at me now?

Sleep

2009-11-13T20:44:00.000-06:00

Sleep. Re-charging. Healing. Escaping. A waste of time. A nuisance. A luxury. A necessity.

What does sleep mean to you? At different points in my life, it has meant different things.

In high school, when I was really depressed, it was both a response to the extreme fatigue accompanying the depression, and an escape from things I didn't want to deal with.

In college, sleep was for people that didn't have very much to accomplish--people that weren't concerned about their grades and weren't involved in too many things. I had a goal to get 8 hours of sleep for the 2 weeks before any major performance. I knew my body needed sleep, I just couldn't justify wasting the time, except when a performance was coming up. I remember many nights getting home from rehearsals after 10pm, doing homework, going to bed and then being down at the concert hall practing by 6am the next morning. That kind of schedule would kill me today.

I have fibromyalgia, a syndrome that is connected to poor sleep. If I don't get a sufficient amount of quality sleep, the pain, depression, fatigue, and other symptoms are much worse. This week I have gone to bed insanely early, leaving dishes in the sink and other housework undone, but I have felt so much better.

I also am an extremely creative dreamer and can often influence the direction my dreams take. I must admit, that sometimes I sleep because I really enjoy dreaming, even the really weird and bizarre dreams.

Here's a poem from John Fletcher that I absolutely love. I hope you do too.

Come, Sleep, and with thy sweet deceiving
Lock me in delight awhile;
Let some pleasing dream beguile
All my fancies; that from thence
I may feel an influence
All my powers of care bereaving.
Though but a shadow, but a sliding,
Let me know some little joy!
We that suffer long annoy
Are contented with a thought
Through an idle fancy wrought:
O let my joys have some abiding!

John Fletcher

Choices

2009-11-08T15:22:00.000-06:00

I follow a couple of blogs that are beautifully written, are clear and concise, and almost always share profound ideas. It's hard not to feel intimidated. I started a blog earlier, trying to make what I had to say into something profound for my readers, but it just wasn't working. I've also realized that this blog isn't so much about what my readers need as it is about what I need to say. Maybe noone will ever read it. That's OK. This is about me expressing and opening up to the world about what I think and experience. So now, on to the real post.

Sometimes choices are easy, like when one is obviously good and another is obviously bad and you're not tempted by the bad one at all. But most choices in life aren't like that. Even the ones that are obviously good or bad often have extenuating circumstances attached.

Sometimes a choice must be made and no option seems like the right one. We have to examine all the possibilities and choose the one that will cause the least damage, that will hurt others the least.

Sometimes a choice must be made between things that are good and right. These are the hardest, for me at least. For the last several weeks I have had to daily choose to do 1 of 3 things when I really want and need to do them all. They are not even things that I can choose to rotate. They all have to happen every day or I can't cope physically and emotionally with all that is thrown at me. But lately, it's getting hard to do even one. Yes, I've tried a little of each, but that doesn't seem to work either, so everyday, based on the circumstances of that day, I have to decide if I want to rest, exercise, or practice my singing. Maybe this seems trivial and not all that important to you, but it is to me.

Singing is not only related to my profession, but it feeds my soul. There are days that are bleak and depressing, but my through my practice time, I am able to find peace and experience beauty. I leave a better and happier person.

Exercise is also daily must in my life. Because of my fibromyalgia and other health issues, it is essential that I exercise every day. If I don't, I have more pain, more tension, and more fatigue. I also need exercise to balance my brain chemistry. When I don't exercise I have more anxiety, depression, and I'm far more easily annoyed at little things that I should be able to let go.

Fibromyalgia has as one of its symptoms/causes poor sleep. When the body doesn't get the rest it needs, there is more pain and generally more of all the other not so wonderful symptoms. So sleep and not pushing myself to hard is also important. How am I supposed to choose?

I know that part of what I am to learn in this life is how to choose wisely and move toward balance. I don't really think that there are right/wrong answers to most things that we must choose between. I think it's like the Kobayashi Maru test (from Star Trek), a no-win scenario. The test isn't about win or lose, it's about how you perform under pressure, what choices you make when there is no right way. I think that the only true failure is in not trying. So I keep doing the best I can, and hopefully something good will eventually come from it.

Overwhelmed

2009-11-03T19:33:00.001-06:00

Today was the first day back to work after 5 days off. Originally my plan was to get a lot done over that long weekend, but my body had other plans. I'm still not sure if it wad a mild cold, or allergies plus other not so wonderful fibromyalgia symptoms. All I know for sure is that for 4 of those days I basically did nothing but sleep, eat, watch videos, and read. Yes, I really did need the rest, but when I got to school today and saw how many things need to be done in the next couple of weeks, I had to take several deep breaths so I wouldn't freak out.

I saved the freak out for when I got home. It's a good thing I don't drink. As it is, my using food (especially sugar and chocolate) to self medicate may kill me almost as quickly as alcoholism. At least my chocolate binge tonight was dark chocolate. I had lots of flavanol antioxidants.

I can make it to Christmas break, I hope. I hate living like this, but I'm just going to have to do the most important stuff and let the rest slide. And take a lot of deep breaths.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Theme songs

2009-11-02T20:25:00.001-06:00

I just read a blog from a singer about what she learned about herself by looking at the songs she was drawn to. It made me think about my "theme songs".

To be honest, I can only think of two of them at the moment, but I want to share them with you. When I was in college, I discovered the musical The Secret Garden, and "Hold On" became my theme song. Sometimes I heard a dear friend sing it to me, and sometimes I was singing it to myself. Those were very dark years in my life. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that there was something better down the road. "Child, hold on, it's this day, not you, that's bound to go away."

The year 2000 was a major turning point in my life. "Hold On" was still my theme for a few more years, but soon it was replaced by "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. I felt energized and enthused and ready to take on the world. I was making my own choices, finding my own path and I no longer felt that I had to live up to the expectations of everyone else.
"Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap!"

I'm still working on finding my own path, but "Defying Gravity" isn't really my theme song anymore. I'm not sure what is. I'm in a calmer place now, no longer fighting to survive, or fighting to live my own life.

I have some favorite songs, like Mahler's "Ich bin der Welt Abhanden Gekommen", but I'm not sure that I would really call it a theme song. And I love the Brahms, Strauss, and Puccini I'm working on now, but the despair and loss most of them present are also not where my life is now.

I'm not sure this is my theme song, but today it makes me happy. John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders"
Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high.

I love the sun and hope more sunny days are on the way.

What will you do with your extra hour?

2009-11-01T06:13:00.001-06:00

I had great plans to sleep in this morning. I really thought I would because I was exhausted by the time I got to bed last night. But, I didn't sleep well, and woke up right before my alarm usually goes off during the week. So...I'm up and blogging.

After 2 days of doing almost nothing, I think I overdid it a little yesterday. I cleaned most of the house, did some grocery shopping, and went over to the school to practice for awhile. It might not seem like much, but I think it was too much for me. I don't feel well this morning. Stupid!

So...I will probably use my extra hour this afternoon for an extra long nap.

Or...since it is the first day of NaNoWriMo, I might start work on my novel. I just have to decide which one I want to do. Should I do the one about shape-shifting dragons, time travel, and saving the world from a Dragon of Chaos with plans to rule the human race?

OR

Should I write about the girl with psi powers who was raised in a cult that abused her until she buried her talents so deep she may never again regain full control. She just found out that her biological father (that she never knew) is the man responsible for the war and he has plans for world domination. Only one person is powerful enough to stop him, and she can only do that if she finds a way to access and control her own gifts.

I was leaning toward the second idea since it is basically a re-telling of last year's story but from a different character's perspective. I know the world. I know the plot. I know the characters (and I'm excited to write last year's good guys as the people standing in her way). But, it's going to be really dark. That's good because it will help me write through some of my own darkness and frustration that I'm dealing with. It's bad because I don't know that I want to deal with depressing stuff all month. If I go with this option, I'll have to find a way to add some light scenes, maybe as memories or something.

The advantage of doing the dragon story is that I have pages and pages of character and plot notes, plus I really like the idea. The down side is that since this is my first work with these characters and their world, I don't really know them or how their world works yet.

Worst case scenario, I could write a book within a book. Whenever I get bored with one story, one of the characters can read a favorite novel.

Maybe I should just stop writing this and get to work on a novel.

-- Posted from my iPhone