Monday, December 21, 2009

New insights

I love how songs, scriptures, books, etc. speak to us based on where we are in our lives and what experiences we've had. It might mean one thing when you are 15, and something totally different at 35.

Matthew 11:28-30 has always been one of my favorite scriptures, but yesterday as I read it, I found a new truth.
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I've always focused on the idea of the yoke--a way that Christ can share our burdens and make them easier. But yesterday in church, either the woman speaking skipped verse 29 or I wasn't listening closely, which is definitely a possibility, and without verse 29, I heard the truth that I was ready for.

I have a whole list of unwritten rules that carry way too much weight in my life, and I'm slowly trying to reframe them to healthier "rules". Two of those old rules are:
1. Don't get in the way.
2. Don't be a burden to anyone.
I can force myself to endure quite a lot in order to avoid burdening anyone else. As I heard verse 30, the thought came to me Christ can handle it. He can take on my burdens as well. That's not to say that what he did was easy, but I don't need to worry about "overloading" Him or pushing him over the edge. He can take it.

I'm the worst person in the world when it comes to asking for help, but it's nice to know that there is someone that won't feel overburdened by my requests.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Looking Forward

Today has been a really good day. The sunrise was beautiful and for most of the day, the sun was shining and the sky was blue--a very positive way to start this new phase of my life. The last few days I have been impressed by the beauty of the sunrises, sunsets, and other small things. That is something that I want to continue for the rest of my life. I want to recognize and get excited by beauty every day.

I'm old enough and experienced enough to really understand now that I have limitless opportunities to start over. Sure, there are consequences when I can't maintain my goals, but even those can't stop me from trying again. I am no longer crushed by failures or depression. I know that the difficult times are only temporary. I will get through it and there is something better on the other side.

Fibromyalgia has really been a wonderful gift. It reminds me that I need to care for myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. It lets me know if I've missed too many days at the gym. It lets me know if I've overloaded my schedule with things for other people, leaving no time to take care of me. It reminds me that I can do anything, I just can't do everything right now. It also reminds me to review my personal goals and desires and not get caught up trying to do and be what everyone else wants me to be. Fibromyalgia is my friend, a friend that asks me, actually demands, that I take care of myself. And when I don't, it reminds me, first gently, and then not so gently, sometimes forcing me to abandon any other plans to get the rest I need.

I really do not know what my future will hold. Right now I have work that I love and people that I love to work with. I hope to continue with that as long as possible, but I also know that if I am forced to do something else, somewhere else, I can find a way to make it work and find happiness in that.

I am so much more at peace than I was several years ago, and I'm really hoping that that continues into my future. I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want. Now I'm trying to live that life with integrity--to say and do, not what the world wants me to say or do, but what I know in my heart is part of who I am.

Awhile back I posted on one of my blogs about the theme songs of my life. I've had some special songs that carried me through difficult times and inspired me. I couldn't think of anything that really fit where I am in my life now. Then a few weeks later, I heard my song. I've actually known it for several years, but it had always been just a song, not a contender for one of the theme songs of my life. So here it is, and this is how I hope to live the rest of my life.

"I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles
I am what I am
I am my own special creation.
So come take a look,
Give me the hook or the ovation.
It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."
I am what I am,
I don't want praise, I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum,
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty.
And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,
Why not try to see things from a diff'rent angle?
Your life is a sham 'til you can shout out loud
I am what I am!
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.
There's one life, and there's no return and no deposit;
One life, so it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not worth a damn 'til you can say,
"Hey world, I am what I am!"

I'm proud of the things I've accomplished, even if I'm not where the rest of the world thinks I should be. I am in a place that makes me happy. I am doing work that is important and that I love. It's not about what they think about me. It's about what I think about me. And I think I have a wonderful future ahead of me. This is going to be a great year. Happy Birthday to me!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Looking Back

Tonight is my last night before a milestone birthday. I'll let you guess which one. Many people dread this birthday, and I've known some to actually become depressed over it, but I'm kind of excited. I'm looking at it as the beginning of the next phase of my life. But that's tomorrow's post.
Today, I want to write about where I've been, the things I've done, and the experiences that brought me to the place that I am today.

My mother says that I was born 50 (or she might have said 40). The point is, I was very much an adult in a little kid's body. My mother was very young when I was born. She also tells people that sometimes she was the mother and sometimes I was. I was often far more comfortable around adults than other kids my age. I did very well in school and was always one of the favorites, mostly I think because I always obeyed all the rules. OK, there were a few times I didn't, but they were so traumatic for me that I just went back to doing what I was told. I couldn't understand people that didn't follow the rules.

High school was tough for me. I did well academically, but emotionally, I was a mess. I very clearly remember times when I could hardly wait for school to be over so I could go home, and then at home, I could hardly wait for the time to go to school, so I could get out of that situation. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have a horrible home life. My family did the best the could. I just had no skills for dealing with conflict, and there was a lot of conflict in our home at that time. Often after school I would take a nap until dinner. I do think that part of it was that I was tired. I also think that part of it was that I was avoiding having to deal with people.

College provided some of the best experiences of my life, but also some of the worst. I met people that opened my eyes and mind to things I had never considered. I also saw hypocrisy that appalled me. I met people who claimed to believe certain things, but their actions seemed completely opposite. Still stuck in my "obey the rules" thinking, it really shook me.
During college, I also met people and had experiences that helped me to discover who I really am and what I believe. Through music, I learned how to trust and to be open. I can't always apply it in other areas, but this was a start.

All my years in school also took a toll mentally and physically. The depression was finally diagnosed, but it would be many years before I really understood it and gained some control over it. Depression, hormonal imbalances, allergies and fibromyalgia all played a part in making my life miserable during those years. I believe that the allergies and fibromyalgia were present then, even though it was much later that they were finally diagnosed and I began treatment for them. But even in those dark days, there were moments of brightness, when I felt joy. I had some amazing experiences and loved the intellectual challenge of all of that.

Ten years ago, I was in the middle of a DMA program in Vocal Performance when I realized I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't keep doing what everyone else thought I should be doing. And I couldn't keep pushing myself to such extremes physically. I quit school and took every little part time job I could get to get by. And I think there were a few years that I actually pushed myself even harder than when I had been in school. But I also paid off a huge amount of debt. And I started to learn about what I wanted and who I was.

I still have a huge balance to pay off on my student loans, but over the last few years, I've cut back on work to take care of myself more physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've learned to say no. There is still a lot of guilt, but it doesn't feel as bad as when I push my body too far. I've learned to listen to my body, and most of the time, I'm able to adjust things to get the rest and care I need so that things don't get really bad. I had even lost a lot of weight and was happy most of the time. When I started letting the world tell me how to live my life and spend my time, that started to slip. I've gained back all of the weight, plus a few pounds, and I'm about 50-50 for good days and bad days. But, now I know what I need to do, and I'm starting over again. I've completely cut out the foods that I know I can't manage with moderation. And I'm going to the gym more regularly again. I'm also taking time to just be still.

This is a good time in my life. I'm not a little kid. I'm not the trying to figure out what I want in life. I'm not trying to prove to the world how successful I can be. I'm finding what makes me happy, where I want to be with my life, and I care a lot less about what other people think of me. Yes, it's true that what the world thinks will never be completely removed from my mind, but it bothers me a lot less these days.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

A while back, I posted a response to a "Don't take Christ out of Christmas" email I received. I recently found this article and love what she has to say about it.

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

A while back I posted a response to a "Don't take Christ out of Christmas" email that I received. I just found this article and love it. With the exception of the second to the last paragraph where she talks about resenting the "winter" concerts, and "holiday" stuff, I totally agree with her. What do you think?

Christians To Blame For Secular Christmas - ParentDish

Let's make Christmas more about remembering Christ and becoming more like him.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My Day--My Life

Some people might think that a list of what I did today is not all that exciting or thought provoking. And they are right, but as I thought back on the ups and downs of this day, I realized that today is a snapshot of my life. If I had to describe my life overall, today would be a pretty good description. Stick with me here and hopefully things will get clearer.

I only pushed snooze twice this morning before finally turning the alarm off and the light on. I didn't really want to face the day yet, so instead of getting up, I grabbed my iPhone and checked the school closings on the news website. The list was huge, so I scrolled down to the R's to look for our district. I couldn't believe it when our district was on the list. I had to check the district website and my own school email before I felt OK about not getting ready for work. Then I was so excited I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up with big plans to accomplish a lot today.

I tend to be wary of good news and check it out before I let myself get excited. I'm not sure why I do that, but it is a part of who I am. I also tend to get really excited about things early on and sometimes give myself too much to accomplish.

When I checked my email on my phone, I realized that I needed to immediately take care of something that I needed to do on the computer and not on the phone. A few hours later, I had checked Facebook (several times), Goodreads, and email and had caught up on all my blog reading. I had also found a great Christmas present idea on one of the blogs and worked on that for awhile too.

It's easy for me to get sucked into lots of other things which means I'm usually working on several projects at the same time. I will also almost always choose computer work (or play) over housework.

But, my bathroom floor really needed to be cleaned, so it cooked up a devious little plan with the toilet to get my attention. Maybe the washer was in on it too, I'm not sure. Anyway, when the toilet ran over, I handled it calmly and quickly grabbed the bleachable towels and threw them on the floor. They were super absorbent so it didn't take long to clean up the mess. The towels went straight from the floor to the washer and became the first load of laundry for the day. I figured that as long as I had to scrub the floor, I might as well do it right and clean the baseboards too. The toilet, floor, baseboards, and washer are all much happier now knowing that I still care about them.

I really handled the whole toilet thing quite well. Sometimes in life things happen that we wish didn't, and you can either do something about it or let it create bigger problems.

I also trimmed my nails today and put oil on my awful looking cuticles. Then I did several cleaning projects that involved getting my hands wet or needing to wash them several times.

Sometimes we try to do a good thing (the oil), and the rest if life undoes it. Actually that seems to be a theme in my life. The important part is that I tried. Maybe I'll try again just before bed.

Today I ran the dishwasher AND put the dishes away when it was done. Isn't there some law against that? Like the law that leftovers can't be thrown away immediately but must be refrigerated until fuzzy and then thrown away. Or the law that if you are folding towels while watching TV, you must hold each towel for a minimum if 2 minutes before actually folding it and picking up another.

I totally expected Murphy's law to kick in when I went out to shovel the snow. Here's the thing--I'm not supposed to have to shovel it. I rent and in the lease it says they will take care of snow removal. It doesn't say when. The first plow came through in the morning, but since the people whose garages are next to mine park outside of the garages, the plow didn't cut in to clean out the space in front if my garage. It's a good thing I didn't have to go to work today. There is no way I could have got the car out through the massive drift in front of the door. So this afternoon when there was only an hour of daylight left, I put on 3 pairs of pants, two sweaters, my coat, and two pairs of gloves and went out to shovel. I'm surprised I could move with all I was wearing to stay warm, but I got the job done. That was the point when I expected Murphy's law to kick in. The plow should have been there right as I finished, but it wasn't. It still hasn't come.

So what did I learn from this? Murphy doesn't have power over everything in my life! Yeah! This is also representative of how I deal with most hard things. I would rather do it myself than call to complain, or ask someone to help me. It's not always a good thing, but I have learned that there isn't much I can't do by myself if I really try.

So, that was my day. What did you do?


-- Posted from my iPhone

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Fibro Dilemmas

As I've mentioned before, I have fibromyalgia. One of the joys (not) of fibromylagia is the pain. And because my body hates pain, all the muscles in my body tighten in response to it. When the pain and tension reach a certain level, nausea and vomitting kick in too. Luckily I'm not there today, yet.

One of the best things to help the pain is exercise. Exercise releases endorphins which help kill the pain. Exercise also increases blood flow which helps to relax the muscles. However, there are some times when exercise is just too much and I end up feeling worse. Tonight I really want to go to the gym, but my leg is already bothering me and was hurting just walking. Do I go to the gym and fight through the first 30-40 minutes in pain? Yes, sometimes it takes that long for the good stuff to kick in. Or do I take a day off and rest?

Which brings me to the next dilemma--I need lots of rest and sleep, but if I stay in the same position too long, when I do move, there is a lot of stiffness and pain. Will going to bed early help me feel better tomorrow, or will too many hours in bed make me feel worse?

The hard part is that there isn't a formula for figuring out the right answers. Two situations that seem exactly the same could yield completely opposite results. That's the fun part of Fibromyalgia. Throw in the fact that with Fibro fog it is hard to think clearly, and it really becomes fun.

OK, enough complaining. Time for meds.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Dreams

For several years I've had a recurring dream. A person that I know quite well (and who won't be named here) is trying to kill me. If you are really into what dreams mean, this could mean that I have repressed a memory of when this person really did try to kill me (scary as it sounds, it could be true), or it might be a premonition of something that will happen in the future (not as likely), or perhaps the person isn't literally killing me, but I feel like a part of myself, of my identity, has been killed, and the dreams are asking me to find it and save it (possible).

Or, since most of the time the person tries to smother me, it could mean that I'm having trouble breathing through my nose and should take a decongestant before bed. I'm 90% sure that that is what it is. But still it makes me wonder.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Goodbye NaNoWriMo

Well folks, it's over. The non-writers among you may ask why we do this to ourselves every year. We even ask ourselves that frequently, but here are my reasons.

1. My imagination needs the work out. I read a lot, and although that involves imagination, it is using someone else's creativity rather than my own. Nanowrimo reminds me of my own personal need to create and gives me a wonderful venue for that.

2. I could and probably should write all year, but the realities of life often push writing to the bottom of the list. For one month during Nanowrimo, I can let the other things be less important, and let this less developed talent take center stage.

3. It gives me a chance once a year to do something hard for no other reason than I want to.

4. The most important reason I still do nano is for the people. At first for me it really was about the writing, but now it is about relationships. Through forums and write-ins, I watched people of all ages and walks of life come together with a common goal. We encourage each other when we think we'll never make it. We comfort those whose real life challenges keep them from reaching their nano goals. We remind each other that it's not really about if we make 50000 or not (even though we all want it desperately.) It is about how we change and grow through the process. We cheer wildly and sing rousing versions of "We Are the Champions" in public places when people cross the finish line.

We do crazy things like a 28 hour write-in tour. No I didn't make the whole tour, but I had a great time.

Last night I even stayed out way too late to do the final countdown with my fellow writers.

To all those NaNoWriMo friends-- Congratulations on your victory. Whether you "won" or not, you faced a difficult task with courage (although some of my other friends might call it insanity) and did something amazing that most people are never even brave enough to try. See you tonight at the party!


-- Posted from my iPhone